Does anyone else just hate sex ?

[nc202105]

It makes me feel ill. I hate doing it. Does that change ? I've felt like this for a while, but going through a bad period. Where it's just even worse than normal. I'm married.

From what I understand of PND, it can go on for years, especially if it isn't treated. But all the feelings you describe are also normal for a woman in your situation having given birth, physical changes, constant demands on you from everywhere and no space to breathe.

Added to that, he is manipulative and coercive- it's disgusting.

It's completely understandable that you feel the way you do. xx

@Ginuwine

From a personal perspective I've always had a high sex drive, was lucky enough to navigate my way mentally around childbirth and the changes in available time, couple dynamics, being "touched a lot" by DC.

But again I think that's because a) I see myself as a sexual being and was clear about my sexual identify before DC, and b) I don't see sex as only the initial bit a relationship - there to tolerate and maybe enjoy it when being pursued, then immediately lose interest once it's served its function.

I really think this country would benefit a bit from a bit of a shift in culture when it comes to sex. On here the default is often to the slapstick, functional, pragmatic, and bawdily humorous ways of describing sex - as if we all have a shared language that "no way my DH will get that from me" or "when doing the deed (really?! ugh) I called out to ask when dinner might be". Hilarious! Until you realise in the end when the worst happens why one party is mentally still invested in sex, and one party always treated it as a kind of awkward joke.

This is so incredibly patronising.

The reasons that you give for why you think you retained your sex drive have absolutely nothing to do with why you retained it. You retained it while others don’t because our hormones all operate differently, some women have an increased sex drive during and after pregnancy, some lose it completely. Some are affected for a few weeks, others for years. It’s not down to some attitude defect.

One cannot control their sex hormones or thyroid function, the two main causes of loss of libido during and after pregnancy. Factor in things like birth trauma, feeding issues, the difference from one baby to the next, your personal sleep requirements, your partner’s attitude etc etc etc, there are so many variables that play into this issue. Losing ones sex drive does not imply being uptight about sex, and suggesting this is bloody offensive.

And then they work through it somehow by the OP getting the headspace they need to rediscover their sexuality, or discover the truth of their life if sex was never really a thing and it's really come to a head.

@Ginuwine But the reality is with guys like this, he's unlikely to truly give her a break. After a while he'd be asking her how she feels about sex now etc. And that's if he's an enlightened sex pest- most sexual controllers and coercers would be less subtle probably.

Have you looked up something called sexual aversion? I read an article on it and it made total sense to how I'm feeling. I've never particularly enjoyed sex but would do it for my partner, he will get moody if I'm not in the mood, will stamp his feet on floor when I'm downstairs in morning looking after the kids as a way of summoning me up to please him, he constantly touches me and saying sexual things. After feeling very let down by him and with no support after our last child being born, the emotional connection which I guess helped me put up with those things has gone for me, so now I can't bare any type of intimacy with him.

Hmm but when is OP supposed to make that call?

Erm before she is next called upon to something that she 'hates' that 'makes her feel ill'.

She's got the ick. Whether it's just childbirth or whether it's her DH's dire off-putting personality or a bit of both. She can't continue to put herself through this.

@BlackspotBanjo

Have you looked up something called sexual aversion? I read an article on it and it made total sense to how I'm feeling. I've never particularly enjoyed sex but would do it for my partner, he will get moody if I'm not in the mood, will stamp his feet on floor when I'm downstairs in morning looking after the kids as a way of summoning me up to please him, he constantly touches me and saying sexual things. After feeling very let down by him and with no support after our last child being born, the emotional connection which I guess helped me put up with those things has gone for me, so now I can't bare any type of intimacy with him.

Fucking hell. There isn’t a woman alive who wouldn’t have sexual aversion in that situation. He is an abuser. How dare he treat you that way? I am furious for you.

Try reading this, I think how you feel is very normal and a lot of women feel like they have no sex drive or desire post-partum. This may also give you an idea of how to discuss with your husband that this is hopefully temporary but that you need to work things out before you have sex again.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/apr/12/sex-after-pregnancy-meaghan-oconnell-now-we-have-everything-extract?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

I don't think she's got sexual aversion or out of touch with her sexuality. I think she has an aversion to her DH as he's a relentless sex pest. I would too.

You hate sex because your husband is coercing you into it! There is no great mystery to solve here! I can’t believe some posters suggesting op should put up with it or have an open marriage A decent husband would be concerned and want to work through this with you, even if that means taking sex off the table for a while. I can’t believe some of the hand maids tale style bullshit some women have to put up with. Sulking and pestering for sex IS NOT NORMAL AND NOT OKAY!!!

That goes for Banjo too.

Why do women put up with this in 2021?

Do you really think this is what life/love is supposed to be like?

I don't think its that otu hate ses, I think it is that you hate sex with only one person.

Monogamy is not natural. It is something that women have been told they must do.

I have been in two long term relationships, both times I hated having sex with the man, after about six months. Really hated it.

Now, I am in my thirties, I am single, and I talk to hundreds of men on Tinder. I like chatting to loads of different men online. I can go months without meeting any man, but if I ever feel like I want sex, I go on a date with a man off Tinder. I usually meet about ten - fifteen men in a year. And I chat to alot more online. Not loads, but the perfect amount for me.

oh the typos

You can also be perfectly fine without any sex at all.

I also think that women are told when we are young that we must be having sex every few weeks to "be normal". That is also bullshit. Everyone is different. And no one ever died from lack of sex.

I once went three years without any sex, and I was perfectly happy, a few years later, I now have sex with a few different men a year. Sex is not a priority for me in any way, other things are more important to me.

I think how women have been taught about sex from a young age is wrong. We have been told that we "should be having sex, and we should be having sex every few weeks", by men.

When I was younger and just starting to have sex, I definitely had sex because the man wanted to, and because it was expected of me, not because I actually wanted to.

There is a lot more risk involved with sex for women.

• The physical risk, if we are naked and alone with a man, he can physically force us into doing something that we dont want to do,
• Pregnancy risk.
• STI risk.

Then there is the factor that many men can be selfish in bed, and that alot of men in this generation have been educated by violent sexual porn, and sex can be very risky for women to do.

If someone said to me "here is a man that will sexually pleasure you to orgasm and will not physically hurt you in any way", I would want to have sex with that man every week. But I cant guarantee that, I have been with too many men in the past who physically hurt me, and that is what has put me off sex, the risk factor involved.

@nc202105

I felt like this the whole time I was with my ex-partner and the constant pestering for sex was intolerable. I tried hard to hide my anger and resentment and often I physically recoiled at the 'pawing'. Given the chance, he would have it morning noon and night. Even when I was unwell I was pestered and coerced into it and eventually found it totally gross. I don't think you are so unusual in that.

To not have sex when the other wants to is a death knell in a relationship, and especially if your man is attractive there will be someone else waiting in the wings for sure. That is the danger of not giving in to the demands. I did give in and felt absolutely invaded for years. It's so hard to have sex when you really don't want it. I too felt like I 'owed' it to him and would lose and did lose so much by not wanting it. It was a major factor in our relationship ending and him finding someone else.

To make matters worse he was never around at all when the kids were little leaving me to do everything as he was chasing his career goals and I was constantly exhausted with the drudge. I have had one partner since who was a bit useless in bed and I binned him I gave it up as a bad job. I am now older so my interest has waned even more. the thought of it grosses me out. It's nice to get in bed with a cup of tea and a book.

@janeapple111
Can you post evidence that monogamy is not natural?

Ladies - look up who invented marriage. It was men, and they used it as a way to control women.

[quote BeefSupreme]@janeapple111
Can you post evidence that monogamy is not natural?[/quote]
Sure.

My first search of "monogamy is not natural" gave this result.

"Monogamy is not natural — hardly any species practice it, except for birds. Social monogamy wherein two creatures mate and work together to meet their needs is especially uncommon among nonavian warm-bloods; only about 5% of the 4,000 mammal species are monogamous"

The only time I felt like that was when something switched in my head and my ex's very existence irritated me. I glanced in his direction one evening and thought that he looked like a troll, when he'd just been a normal looking man to me a few minutes earlier.

Everything about him suddenly made me feel ewwwwwww. I didn't know why, but I completely lost any response at all it was crap before but I could go along with it because it only lasted a minute or so and he reacted to my reluctance with whining and wanting more and more porn star like performances when I just wanted to scream at him to get away from me and to soak myself in a boiling hot bath for hours.

A couple of months later, I realised what had caused the switch to flip. By waking up during the night. My subconscious had kicked in to tell me that the vile specimen had begun to rape and sexually assault me in my sleep because he felt he wasn't getting enough from me when awake.

Got rid of him, met DP, everything started working again.

I hope that isn't the case for you - but I have never felt such repulsion as I did for him and you could easily be describing every feeling I had over that time.

Another article on the topic from livescience.com

"Only 3 percent to 5 percent of the roughly 5,000 species of mammals (including humans) are known to form lifelong, monogamous bonds , with the loyal superstars including beavers, wolves and some bats."

I think when you have a little kid hanging off you all day, extra weight you don’t like and then your DH touching you just when you have five minutes to yourself it makes sense you have no libido. You have to ask yourself why the kid is in your bed though.... are you using her as a barrier between DH and yourself or because you felt guilty for not BF or simply because you think it’s easier? At 18months she could be going into her own bed/cot and giving you a better night’s sleep. That would help you enormously with the weight, energy and self-confidence. You would BOTH develop better space there, for a start. As for DH, is he providing you with genuine emotional intimacy? It’s easy to get bogged down in every day life with a little one. You both need to get out of your own everyday rut and do something you enjoy just to make you happy. Can he take your DD so you can go out with friends for a coffee or go for a walk by yourself?

@TatianaBis

That goes for Banjo too.

Why do women put up with this in 2021?

Do you really think this is what life/love is supposed to be like?

It's hard when it's the only relationship you know, it wasn't like this at the beginning and it's not all bad. I will leave but at the moment I have no money, I'm in debt, have 3 young children and nowhere to go.

Hate is a strong word, but I've definitely gone off it since the kids were born and that was 20 years ago! Now I'm menopausal and sex is uncomfortable - I wish I'd gotten over it earlier and not wasted so many years.

Sorry to ask a very direct question but - is he actually any good in bed?

He doesn't understand and just follows me around. I try to avoid it. But he won't let it go and when I refuse be gets angry sometimes. He says he has no joy.

You don’t hate sex, you hate being sexually abused and that’s exactly what’s happening.

Coerced sex is rape, as a pp said.

He isn’t treating you like a human being with your own sexuality but like an object there to satisfy his desires.

All this shit about post pregnancy etc; yeah, that may be stuff to think about in a loving, respectful relationship, but this isn’t one of those. I guarantee that if your H weren’t being continually sexually abusive towards you, you would feel very differently about sex.

Time to start looking at your H and your marriage through a different lens. You do not owe him sex. He is not entitled to your body. Coerced sex is rape.

Shocked at the blindness in so many of these replies.