Does anyone else just hate sex ?

[nc202105]

It makes me feel ill. I hate doing it. Does that change ? I've felt like this for a while, but going through a bad period. Where it's just even worse than normal. I'm married.

[Tiddleypoms]

Have you felt like this since you feel.bad about your body or before this.? .. if its about your body confodence i guess that is dofferent to disliking sex ? Put it this way, if you fely better in youtself.. how do you feel sex would be then ? Trying to get the source of the issue. ... for me my husband has done somwthing that has offended me sexually and I absolutely know that it has affected me . We are all so different xx

[CutieBear]

@nc202105 go to the GP and see if there’s a medical issue.

[Haveyoubrushedyourteeth]

I've been there OP and it's grim. It wasn't that I was saying that I didn't want sex ever again, it was just that I didn't want it more than once a week, or for it to go on for hours when I had 4 children under 6 who weren't great sleepers.
It got to the point where I couldn't even give him a hug without him groping me, or making me feel like I was leading him on which no doubt made him feel unloved looking back as I backed off completely but I honestly felt like a piece of meat.

He's now an ex husband, and a couple of years ago apologised for behaving the way that he did. He basically lost everything because he thought sex was the most important thing in a marriage and that his needs trumped everyone else's - I needed sleep to be a good mum to our children and I don't regret telling him that for one moment, a less selfish person would have understood.

[Italiangreyhound]

How are you feeling OP?

While it is possible you are asexual or a lesbian, I think it is far more likely you have gone off sex temporarily because you've had a baby and your husband is behaving in a totally inappropriate way.

I think it is very common for people to go off sex for periods of time fir a variety of reasons.

I also think sex is massively overrated.

The reason this opinion may be found on Mumsnet is not because if any huge mystery! My own thoughts are that the reason you will find that opinion here is because the site is anonymous and mostly frequented by women, especially women who have had children.

So much as it's great for people who think sex is brilliant (to think that) it doesn't mean other opinions are not valid. Nor that they are not truthful.

[Ginuwine]

I agree with you also @TomPinch @Looooona - I tend to get flamed for this on here so respect for putting it better than I have.

I think @Looooona your perspective being a non-Brit is very useful.

As a Brit I do think we have a very default position sometimes that sex must be described in a slapstick, humorous or deliberately icky way. And it's something you often do because, well, relationship, and it's expected at the start. Because of that, it's not surprising that people run out of runway and energy later on in their relationship.

I have found European and US friends much more open about masturbation, about sexual identity, about being a woman who has desires and needs before the incorporation of their relationship and that continue after it.

I get the complete opposite on here when contributing on such threads. It's like a race to show disinterest. You only have to take the hugely popular phrase "do the deed" on here to see where folks are generally at with this subject.

[TomPinch]

@Looooona

These types of threads are so common on mumsnet however in my group of friends, this would be unheard of. Maybe the typical mumsnet poster just doesn’t like sex very much. Also agree with the culture thing, I grew up in Canada where everyone talks about sex, masturbation, sexuality etc. when I moved here I was shocked at the lack of sexuality in this country. Men seem awkward in their approach to sex and British parents encourage their children to use pet names for their genitals (noo noo, pee pee etc.) all very strange to me and explains the weird anti sex culture.

I agree with this too. There an instinctive Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww! response on threads like these.

[TomPinch]

@janeapple111

As this clearly matters to you I agree with EmptyOrchestra's last post and you may consider it to be mine for the purpose of this argument.

[Startingagainperson]

@ouchyouchyow I”m sorry that you feel that way. In reality you are doing amazingly well, you are looking after your baby and getting sleep when you can instead of ‘just doing it’.

I wonder if you could try letting the tiny little flame of sexuality start, only when you are ready. Tell your husband that he’s got to back off, for maybe weeks, maybe a few months. But tell him that you are fully committed to getting closer again but that it will only work if he waits, without pressure, and that it starts when you are ready.

Ask him if he can handle giving you affection without sex for this time, at a pace controlled by you. Say that if this doesn’t happen sex might take a lot longer to start again. Say you’d like to be able to cuddle him, maybe a small lingering kiss, just before bed at 10pm without any sex at all afterwards... leave him something to think about!

Believe me a woman in control of her sexuality like this is pretty sexy!

[Startingagainperson]

@janeapple111 going off sex with someone you’ve been with a long time is nothing to do with monogamy, and everything to do with one or both partners being lazy and not great about sex! The idea that lack of sex drive is because we are bored and we need to get ‘a new one’ is a bit bonkers.

@TrueRefuge I agree with a lot of what you’ve outlined, which to sum is that we are complex beings, what complex emotions and feelings, perhaps some trauma or relationship troubles. Sex is mostly definitely from our brains, and so a simplistic solution like ‘just let him sleep around’ or ‘you will never want sex again that’s fine’ probably isn’t the story here. It’s respect, being in touch with yourself, him being more considerate.

Although I have to say with some experience, I started off in life thinking sex was OK, kind of, then being quite put off (probably hadn’t dealt with trauma), then again OK and then not wanting it. Wandering often if I was really that good at it or even liked it.

With my long experience... I really would say that much of it was down to partners who weren’t great at sex, which is the majority! And to be honest nor was I. I wasn’t as in touch with myself as I thought. People get very, very lazy about sex. They do it one or two ways, always about what gets them off really, one or two ‘tricks’, and then start to be quite disrespectful of each other. Women often equate their sex to what makes them look sexy, how ‘liberated’ they are. Men worry about their size but otherwise don’t think about foreplay half as much as women.

I can tell you all that sex can be amazing and fantastic! It’s harder to get a rubbish partner to be better, but it can be done. If you are in touch with your own sexuality, genuinely, not going around in suspenders type thing, but grounded in yourself, then your partner is going to love it!

So OP, don’t give up. Get yourself some room. Get your partner to back the hell off. Then teach yourself to feel stronger sexually, without having sex. Just own your own body. Look at you, you are amazing! You’ve grown a child! Incredible.

[ouchyouchyow]

I feel totally the same as you OP

The things you said about wanting time for yourself really resonates with me too. I just want to be left alone and I do t want anyone touching me. Not anyone

My child is 3 and since the birth I have gone off totally. Like you, I don't feel attractive any more. I can't bear the intimacy of sex. Especially oral sex. It feels like an intrusion. But I used to enjoy it. Now it makes me cringe.

I don't feel aroused any more. It feels like a chore. I can happily live without it

I feel guilty. My husband never pressurises me. But he always seems to make a move at 10pm when I just want sleep and then I'm even less enthusiastic. I do hope my Libido returns as
I worry about my husband resenting me

[Cathie102]

This is possibly the most depressing thread I have ever read and makes me want to go downstairs and give my husband a lovely kiss and hug.

Firstly - the vast majority of people responding to this are lovely. But my goodness some are horrible. The idea that when you get married you sign some kind of contract to fulfil another persons sexual needs for the rest of their lives or else they can go and do whatever they want? If that's how you feel you need to look at yourself. I think any person who could take sexual pleasure from an experience where the other person clearly doesn't is a bit of a bad person to be honest.

Secondly - throughout a lifetime there are a myriad of different reasons while a person might not feel sexual for a time. My husband hurt his back and wasn't up to doing the deed for a period of time. I had a bad period of anxiety and didn't feel like sex during it. On both occasions we remained loving partners who were affectionate towards each other with no agenda.

I am so sorry you don't feel sexual right now OP. I hope you can sit your husband down and explain that you need support in the home and to feel better about yourself before you can feel better about sex. Don't feel pressured into anything. There can be nice normal relationships where people have "dry patches" and its not the end of the world.

[nancywhitehead]

Sounds like you are in a bit of a negative cycle with your husband OP.

Being pestered for sex is a sure-fire way to ensure that you won't want it. It is a massive turn off. What is your husband offering you? Because it sounds like at the moment sex is all about him - he needs it, you have guilt because you are not giving him enough, not pleasing him enough, so of course you're going to have negative feelings around it.

Where do your needs come into all of this?

When does your husband consider your needs - sexual and otherwise?

It sounds like there are an awful lot of things at play here and I would urge you to go and see a therapist - perhaps on your own or with your husband if he will go with you. You have a lot to work through here.

[janeapple111]

[quote EmptyOrchestra]@janeapple111 you seem very eager for others to agree with you and validate your choices. If you’re happy with your choices, why do you need that?

Many people are very happy in a longterm monogamous relationship. Personally I would hate to be single or have multiple partners, it’s not what I want for my life. Clearly it suits you, so no judgement from me, but that just means it’s right for you, not for everyone.[/quote]
use your brain before you make a stupid comment like that.

I am not "keen for others to agree with me". Lol

A poster said to me:

"Monogamy not being natural, is nothing to do with the OP."

I replied to her.

A poster says something to me, I reply to her. See how it works? Yes? Good woman.

Bog off, and stop sticking your oar in.

[AmberIsACertainty]

@nc202105

I just want to add- it's the harsh reality that men often go elsewhere if we don't give them any sex. That doesn't mean I think it's right. But I think it's the way it works very often, unfortunately.

I don't want to protect my husband here at all, I think he has many faults and they very much contribute to the problem. But he must feel very rejected by me. I know I would be pretty devastated if I was constantly being turned down. Things are not perfect, but I do feel bad for him. Something needs to change for sure though.

This is so messed up. Yes something needs to change for this to be a happy marriage...him! Why shouldn't he feel rejected if he does stuff like sulking and being lazy? Why should he be rewarded for that? You run round after him and he does zero for you in return. Those long term happiness goals you mentioned? They're for him, he's not doing that for you, unless he's previously expressed a desire to live in a cardboard box in poverty. Things are about as far away from perfect as it's possible to get, without him becoming a murderer or something. What are your reasons for why you don't want to get a divorce? What are the personal attributes you like about him?

[Branleuse]

of course its understandable hes frustrated. Doesnt mean hes entitled to it.
I dont think people should be obliged to stay in sexless relationships, but if the person whos a bit sexually frustrated is more concerned with complaining about the lack of sex or being a gropey sex pest, than working on their relationship and intimacy and how to be the best partners to each other, then theyre not only on a hiding to nothing and probably making the situation worse, its also low-key abusive. Being in a relationship with someone doesnt mean sexual harrassment is fine. You need to have a big talk I think about whether the relationship has just run its course now or whether its something else. Do you want to be in this relationship with him. Are you affectionate and supportive to each other?

[AmberIsACertainty]

[quote nc202105]@Branleuse I know what you mean. But if it was up to me, we would literally never have sex. Surely it's understandable he's frustrated ? Hasn't gone about it the right way, but I'm not even sure what's the right way ? Just leave me alone completely would be the right way for me. [/quote]
It's an incompatibility then. You don't want sex (with him, at any rate) and he does. That's a fundamental difference of opinions. Compromise doesn't work with polar opposites. If you try to compromise from opposite places in this way, then even if you both meet in the middle with a 50/50 compromise, neither of you is happy because you're both too far away from what you want. Compromise only works when the difference isn't too big to start with.

It seems women do this quite often. They have their children and then decide sex isn't for them and expect the husband to just accept it and live the next 50 years without sex. God forbid they go elsewhere for it, then they are bastards

Do women expect men to put up with a sexless marriage? I've heard of women quietly avoiding sex or saying they don't want sex any more. I've never heard of one saying "and I demand you remain married to me and put up with it".

If someone is unhappy in a relationship for any reason and that reason can't be overcome, the right thing to do is end the relationship. It's not justified to treat someone else badly just because you're unhappy. So yes, cheating men are bastards because if they're unhappy with being in a sexless relationship they should leave.

FWIW I think humans are animals like any other, we're programmed to breed. That's the only reason anything lives, to procreate and continue the species. I'm not at all surprised to hear that lots of women go off sex after having children. Biologically their purpose has been fulfilled.

Although I suspect a lot of it has to do with the many useless men out there who don't want to parent, do house chores, be responsible for themselves ie carry some of the mental load of daily life, and are selfish in bed too.

I like good sex, I'm indifferent to so-so sex with a slightly lazy or selfish man. Sex with an arsehole of a man? No thanks, not even if he's an Adonis and I've got the raging horn. Those men are total turn offs.

[FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]

@RantyAnty totally agree - men are socialised to think their penises are the most important thing in the world, and I doubt 99% of them even consider making the woman feel pleasure. Problems aren't dealt with - premature ejaculation or impotency are very much centred around the poor embarrassed chap rather than a woman now can't be sexually gratified. Imagine for a minute if we stopped men 35 seconds in or said "sorry my vagina can't open" the shame women would feel.

I very much feel sex is something that's for men. Then again like I say maybe I've just had men who're bad in bed

[RantyAnty]

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

I hate it too. I was married and ExH had a really high sex drive, so expected it constantly. It's one thing I absolutely don't miss being single! I've never found sex anything but boring, disappointing and exhausting. I'd rather read a chapter of my book. And I've been with plenty of men. Maybe most men are just shit in bed?

I truly believe they are shit in bed.

Once they get settled in, they don't want to please you anymore. Foreplay becomes a boner in the back and they want to hop on and jackhammer until they finish. No thank you, I'm not interested in being your human wank sock.

The excuse of him going elsewhere for it.. if he can be happy screwing just anyone, that certainly wouldn't make me feel special either. It'd make me feel he is just around for regular sex and to do all the wife work he doesn't want to do.

I couldn't imagine being a young woman these days with all the guys thinking you need to act like porn stars. I would hate being treated like to a piece of meat to slap, choke, anal, maneuver into a bunch of painful degrading positions. Hell no to that nonsense.

And then they wonder why we don't want sex with them anymore? Are they really that dense?

[minniemomo]

Exhaustion might be the cause. I certainly wasn't that interested at that stage of life. The positive message is things can change and it's great now!

[TatianaBis]

Anyway, eventually I dumped him and after a few months of being alone, whaddaya know, I started to feel like a happy normal person again who had sexual feelings. It wasn't sex that I hated, it was being harassed and groped constantly in my own home. Everyone needs a safe place where they can feel at ease. When you live with a sex pest there's nowhere safe anymore. It's really wearing on your psyche

Please heed this OP.

[FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]

Urgh your post is reminding me of my exDP and even remembering how he used to nag, whine and constantly paw at me makes my stomach turn.

Same.

ExH would withhold promises he'd made too if I didn't give him sex. It was horrific.

[FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]

I hate it too. I was married and ExH had a really high sex drive, so expected it constantly. It's one thing I absolutely don't miss being single! I've never found sex anything but boring, disappointing and exhausting. I'd rather read a chapter of my book. And I've been with plenty of men. Maybe most men are just shit in bed?

[LittlestBoho]

Urgh your post is reminding me of my exDP and even remembering how he used to nag, whine and constantly paw at me makes my stomach turn.

I did the same as you at first and gave in to sex I didn't want for 'an easy life'. But the more I did that, the more disgusted I became with sex. I would physically cringe every time he touched me, yet every fortnight (as often as I could stomach it) I would have sex with him because I felt like I had to. Eventually I just couldn't do it anymore, I was revolted by him, myself, the act of sex. I thought I was broken.

Having sex with him was a dirty chore that I tried to put off, like scrubbing the grout in the bathroom, or cleaning the toilet with a toothbrush.

One time, after he'd nagged and whined and groped me for hours, I let him have sex with me. Afterwards he complained that it was rubbish and I just lay there. I incredulously said "because I obviously didn't want to have sex with you?!" This would have been clear to anyone with even the emotional range of a teaspoon, but it was obviously the first time exDP had considered my feelings. He actually looked guilty for a moment that he'd coerced me into sex, but then rallied and replied "well if I didn't nag you then we'd never have sex!" As if that's a defense.

Anyway, eventually I dumped him and after a few months of being alone, whaddaya know, I started to feel like a happy normal person again who had sexual feelings. It wasn't sex that I hated, it was being harassed and groped constantly in my own home. Everyone needs a safe place where they can feel at ease. When you live with a sex pest there's nowhere safe anymore. It's really wearing on your psyche.

[TwoLeftSocksWithHoles]

I don't think the male praying mantis looks forward to it very much...

[MrsBunHat]

plus he nags during sex, like ,,there is a cobweb- you did not clean properly!

OMG. What a charmer!