Does anyone else just hate sex ?

[nc202105]

It makes me feel ill. I hate doing it. Does that change ? I've felt like this for a while, but going through a bad period. Where it's just even worse than normal. I'm married.

it sounds like a kind of servitude.
that's no way to live.
do you want that for the rest of your life.
why should your life be like that, and his all about his needs, his joy.
what about your right to some peace. to be a person. your own person, not a vending machine delivering goodies when he pulls the handle, and metaphorically kicks it when it fails to deliver.
i think you should get out.

I think a man whining ‘I have no joy’ on repeat would put anybody off sex, tbh.

What a complete turn off. Is he doing anything to bring you joy? Like running you a bath and leaving you to relax for an hour, for example?

@nc202105 I had PND for close to 3 years after my first was born.

@LunaNorth no..

Why did you get married to someone you don’t enjoy having sex with? Why didn’t you tell him sooner? I think you need to see a doctor or therapist. Sex should be arousing and fun.

He gets frustrated.

OP, please remember - and remind him - that 'frustration' is not a reason to make your wife have sex when she's not aroused and doesn't want to. He knows that, doesn't he? Is he not at all concerned by the fact you're evidently not enjoying the sex you do have?

It really worries me that his approach to this is not 'we're a couple and something which was previously part of our relationship is no longer the same, how do we tackle this together', but 'sulking and whining and having sex with, at best, an uncomfortable person and at worse someone who's being emotionally ground down into doing it unconsensually'.

@CutieBear

Why did you get married to someone you don’t enjoy having sex with? Why didn’t you tell him sooner? I think you need to see a doctor or therapist. Sex should be arousing and fun.

I didn't enjoy it massively, but it didn't repulse me.

In the beginning I did. We've been together 10 plus years. I thought it was normal to go off it a bit.

whatever the reason, physical, body image, or psychological, he shouldn't be pestering you.
ask him how he would feel if he had to do sexual things with his male boss. who kept pawing him, as soon as he completed his work tasks.
that might give him some idea of how you feel.
he doesn't seem to care at all about how you feel.
he ought to be your number one help and supporter.
where is the love and consideration for you, or just respect.

He also wants to drag it out a lot. That's the worst.

I totally understand this OP. My ex was like this and I HATED IT. We could never have a quickie, it often went on for over an hour.

I had a wild time in my teens and 20s and used to like it with several previous partners, but over being with ex for a long time and having DC it became a horrible, exhausting chore, especially as I grew to like him less and less. I did eventually just stop and ultimately ended it I sometime fancy sex and who knows maybe I'll have a boyfriend again one day, but mostly I just like being single, no pressure.

You can have this too if it's what you want.

I felt the same after having my baby.

Hated my body, didn't want anyone touching it, felt gross, and felt angry about the obligation of it - there was no attempt to get me into it, I just felt gross and annoyed and like 'don't touch me, leave me alone.'

It did go away but I will say it did end our relationship when our baby was around 7 months old. He said I was just really cold and made him feel like I was repulsed by him. It wasn't that, I just needed time and the right conditions, but he didn't want to listen.

How do you feel about your husband outside of sex? Do you have good times together? Do you like being around him? Do you think he's attractive? Does he make you feel loved and valued?

@alexdgr8

whatever the reason, physical, body image, or psychological, he shouldn't be pestering you. ask him how he would feel if he had to do sexual things with his male boss. who kept pawing him, as soon as he completed his work tasks. that might give him some idea of how you feel. he doesn't seem to care at all about how you feel. he ought to be your number one help and supporter. where is the love and consideration for you, or just respect.

This You don't owe him sex. It's YOUR body not his to maul about. The times of married women being owned by their husbands are long gone.

I think I get you OP. My relationship with sex changed hugely after the birth of my son. I've never exactly been body confident anyway but afterwards I felt like I don't even recognise my body anymore, internally or externally. I'm pregnant with our second child now and we've literally had sex a couple of times in the last 8 months. I'm hoping after this birth I can work on changing how I see myself and this may have an impact on my enjoyment. Like you I find it a bit icky and gross, not on DH's part at all but I just categorically don't feel sexy and haven't for a long time.

@category12

How do you feel about your husband outside of sex? Do you have good times together? Do you like being around him? Do you think he's attractive? Does he make you feel loved and valued?

He's definitely attractive. Not sure about good times at the moment. He's always at work and I'm always working / doing house stuff / with the baby and exhausted. Loved and valued- not sure. It's just all a bit of a rut at the moment in life.

nc202105, it isn't at all unusual to go right off sex for all sorts of reasons. Having a child is one, feeling depressed or ill in any way, demoralised, etc.

The fact that you used to enjoy means you will probably enjoy it again.

However your husband is making things worse constantly following you around and wanting it. How can he want you to do something that you currently find unpleasant? That is inconsiderate in the extreme. He needs to realise that and learn some self control. Sex pests are not attractive, they repulse.

I went off sex after having children for quite a while but my husband accepted it, he loved me as a person. It came back eventually. If he had been horrible about it I know it never would have, I'd have resented him.

Sorry if I’ve missed the answer to this, but how often does your husband expect to have sex?

It should go without saying that any time you’re having sex without enjoying it is too often.

he's acting like a twat in many ways. i'd dump him and have a happier sex free life until i sorted myself out.

@nc202105 this sounds like a really tough position to be in and you clearly have your hands full with everything at the moment, without also having to regularly perform a physical act you’re not interested in at the end of the day when you’re tiredest. If your husband is also wfh during the pandemic, it may be that you are getting no space at all from the family during the day to be physically autonomous and alone with your thoughts (where you’d normally be able to do this while the baby is napping).

However if you are interested in boosting your libido, self esteem and energy levels, can I suggest you consider trying some high intensity exercise for 15/20 mins a day (anything that gets you out of breath and sweating: running, cycling, joe wicks videos, Zumba - whatever). Getting your libido going after a baby is a big challenge for lots of women but the testosterone / endorphins will give you a good hormone boost in the right direction. This will also help with your body image, you are NOT a ‘fat cow’, you are a powerful woman and the exercise will help you recognise how strong your body is and get you standing straighter and feeling more confident. As your fitness increases, you’ll also notice you have more energy.

I would say to your DH that it is a pre-requisite of you having sex that you can have this time to yourself each day and a long shower afterwards (factoring in some more me time for you!). Hope you find a solution that works for you.

@Inthemane

Sorry if I’ve missed the answer to this, but how often does your husband expect to have sex?

It should go without saying that any time you’re having sex without enjoying it is too often.

He would probably want it 2-3 times a week. I can do a max of once a week, once every two weeks and he always complains it's not enough.

I agree with PP, you don't owe your husband sex. That being said, there are two of you in the relationship and you cannot expect him to sacrifice his sex life for the remainder of his life because you do not enjoy it. It would be very selfish for you to expect him to continue to be faithful to you if you are no longer interested. If that is truly how you feel, you need to either accept an open marriage, or end the marriage. Anything else just isn't fair

[quote Moules]@nc202105 this sounds like a really tough position to be in and you clearly have your hands full with everything at the moment, without also having to regularly perform a physical act you’re not interested in at the end of the day when you’re tiredest. If your husband is also wfh during the pandemic, it may be that you are getting no space at all from the family during the day to be physically autonomous and alone with your thoughts (where you’d normally be able to do this while the baby is napping).

However if you are interested in boosting your libido, self esteem and energy levels, can I suggest you consider trying some high intensity exercise for 15/20 mins a day (anything that gets you out of breath and sweating: running, cycling, joe wicks videos, Zumba - whatever). Getting your libido going after a baby is a big challenge for lots of women but the testosterone / endorphins will give you a good hormone boost in the right direction. This will also help with your body image, you are NOT a ‘fat cow’, you are a powerful woman and the exercise will help you recognise how strong your body is and get you standing straighter and feeling more confident. As your fitness increases, you’ll also notice you have more energy.

I would say to your DH that it is a pre-requisite of you having sex that you can have this time to yourself each day and a long shower afterwards (factoring in some more me time for you!). Hope you find a solution that works for you.[/quote]
Thank you. I've actually got a PT 3 times a week and am in the gym 4 times. I feel much stronger and better for it. It's so important. I started 6 weeks ago.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate OP.

You are v hard on yourself re your body. And your desire for some control over your life/time is very understandable. Could you think about seeing a therapist for a bit to work on ways to manage this?

And could you talk to your partner about it - explain how much you feel you have on your plate (does he do his bit bTW?) - and you are working on that, but in the meantime can he be considerate c sex - could he tolerate a short break? Or if not then stop moaning/keep it shorter

@Myhairnightmare

I agree with PP, you don't owe your husband sex. That being said, there are two of you in the relationship and you cannot expect him to sacrifice his sex life for the remainder of his life because you do not enjoy it. It would be very selfish for you to expect him to continue to be faithful to you if you are no longer interested. If that is truly how you feel, you need to either accept an open marriage, or end the marriage. Anything else just isn't fair

Yeah absolutely not fair

I've never been a big fan of it, to be honest. I'm quite small and always find I get sore after a few minutes. I pretend to like it because otherwise men leave me! I am a good actress but a lot of the time I am waiting for it to be over.

I have been married twice and in between lived with someone for 4 years. On all cases, I went off it totally after 3 years and certainly as I got beyond 45 (am now 59) I went totally off it. I don’t even much like physical touch of any kind— I have no idea why and no I’m not into women either.