Does anyone else just hate sex ?

[nc202105]

It makes me feel ill. I hate doing it. Does that change ? I've felt like this for a while, but going through a bad period. Where it's just even worse than normal. I'm married.

@garlictwist

I've never been a big fan of it, to be honest. I'm quite small and always find I get sore after a few minutes. I pretend to like it because otherwise men leave me! I am a good actress but a lot of the time I am waiting for it to be over.

this is awful for you. you'd be better off without the idiots who treatyou so badly.

@Myhairnightmare

I agree with PP, you don't owe your husband sex. That being said, there are two of you in the relationship and you cannot expect him to sacrifice his sex life for the remainder of his life because you do not enjoy it. It would be very selfish for you to expect him to continue to be faithful to you if you are no longer interested. If that is truly how you feel, you need to either accept an open marriage, or end the marriage. Anything else just isn't fair

Perhaps if he stopped following OP around, pestering for sex and getting moody (sulking) when she doesn't want it, and actually respected her, and built her up, things might improve?

A sulking sex pest is hardly attractive.

Sex has never been something I’ve craved. I am generally a bit ‘prudish’ (can’t think of a better term right now) when it comes to sex. I can read about it and watch it but doing a lot of it freaks me out! I too struggle with losing control. The idea of making a fool of myself is a deep seated fear I think.
I also really went off it after my kids were born. I had no emotional energy left for it.
I have persevered for my DH and we seem to have found a point that works for us.
I find actual sex to often be painful due to birth damage so we do other stuff.
I enjoy it once we get going and it’s important for our relationship.

He's definitely attractive. Not sure about good times at the moment. He's always at work and I'm always working / doing house stuff / with the baby and exhausted. Loved and valued- not sure. It's just all a bit of a rut at the moment in life.

It sounds like your relationship could use some attention - it's difficult to find any desire or enjoy sex if you're knackered and not really having good positive affectionate interactions with your partner.

If he just makes it seem like another chore or he'll kick off or be a grumpy prick, then that's not sexy. And if you're constantly in mum mode then that doesn't feel sexy either.

No absolutely not, I’ve loved sex all my life and have been quite sexually confident from a young age. I think it comes down to my parents being able to openly talk about sex and masturbation when I was younger. although they told me to only do it in private, they never shamed me either.

It’s normal to not want to have sex when you’re tired or stressed but the fact you say it’s gross strikes me as unusual. Not judging but just an observation, perhaps a sex therapist would help?

You sound quite introverted as you say you like to be alone a lot- this is the reason my partner and I chose not to have children. The thoughts of never having our own space again just terrified us.

This makes me sad to read. I love all intimacy with my husband and love sex. He always makes it a priority to make sure I’m happy and satisfied. I hope you and your husband discuss this and get some counselling or something to help. You can’t continue like this if you hate it, you must talk to him.

I am not keen on sex at the moment. I've been through cancer treatment in the last year and I don't enjoy the idea of anyone being physical with me, I've had enough of people touching my body and being vulnerable around people.

To be fair lockdown hasn't helped even, stuck with DH day in day out doesn't exactly make for romance. I don't know what the answer is OP, but you're not alone

I’m the same OP. Might you be asexual?

[quote nc202105]@LunaNorth no..[/quote]
what @LunaNorth said that a ALOT of your problem, he doesn't look after your emotional needs. Just him caring how you feel and no pressure for sex will probably make you feel a whole lot better in time. It's a chore for you at the moment and you are just turned off completely by the sound of it. He needs to care about your needs like he cares about his own. It will come back, if he learns to treat you like a his wife with feelings. You need to talk with him and tell him how you feel and that it will take sometime for you to enjoy it again and explain why (exhausted,baby, low sex drive) Maybe if you can spend time with sex off the cards (so you don't feel pressure) do things you enjoy together or have a catch up about your day. Take it slowly and he has to agree not to sulk. If you can connect again emotionally and be closer as a couple things might change for you. Marriage/relationships are hard work but he should know it's about give and take. If he cares and loves you he want you to be happy about this issue and it will require patience.

Is it a case of you've just lost your sex drive? Maybe invest in a good vibrator to get your mojo back?

If you liked it in the past then it is an issue of desire and a sex therapist may be able to help with this. If you have only ever tolerated it then maybe you are asexual?

If you think about the mechanics of sex it is kind of gross. But for most of us the pleasurable aspects of it cause us to over look the ick factor. It seems like, as you have lost interest and desire (maybe because you dont feel good about yourself) you have focussed more on the mechanics of it and the more you think about that, the more grossed out you get. At the same time, seems like your husband is pressuring you for sex which would put many people off.

Would you be up for therapy? Some individual therapy for you or relationship therapy with DH? Could be a safe place to explore what is really going on.

Lots of marriages have no sex. OK if both are happy with it. Hugely problematic if one side is not ok.

Did you have a bad pregnancy/birth? A traumatic birth could put you off sex, subconsciously you might be terrified of getting pregnant again.

@Frogsonglue

I went right off sex after having my first child 7 years ago and never really got my sex drive back. Sometimes I quite like it but often the thought grosses me out, and I can always take it or leave it. It's definitely connected to birth and how my body has changed, I just don't feel like a sexual being any more. Maybe it will come back, maybe it won't. But I really feel for you. My husband is at least understanding and does his best not to put pressure on me, although often even just his eagerness puts me off. Your partner needs to really understand that the more he pesters and bullies you the less chance there is you'll ever want to do it.

@Frogsonglue

Thanks for sharing your story. Same here. I feel very differently about my body/ sexuality since having children. Glad to hear it's not just me

There are a lot of women in Britain who I think identify with your posts OP.

Maybe it's something about our culture here (sexy is often a bad or cringe word, sex is something to joke about rather than openly desire) but for a great deal of women there is an inbuilt, cultural psychological barrier to properly understanding themselves as a sexual being.

This is just my view but I see it time and time again on these boards. Folk saying "I never really liked sex, never got into it, DH is nice enough but it doesn't do it for me and never has". Ok that's all fair. But this also means there was likely to be a first two or three years where something about the heady flush of being desired by a nice funny good person (or however you view your DH) meant sex was tolerable. Their minds allowed it to be permissible somehow.

I feel exactly the same as you. I have a thread in 'sex' about trying to reclaim my mojo. Ultimately I share some of your feelings particularly feeling angry and wanting to scream during. It's awful.

While lots of people are helpful and say you don't have to do it if you don't want to, they are also quick to point out that it's unfair to expect someone else to live in a sexless marriage.

You have my sympathy.

@Myhairnightmare

I agree with PP, you don't owe your husband sex. That being said, there are two of you in the relationship and you cannot expect him to sacrifice his sex life for the remainder of his life because you do not enjoy it. It would be very selfish for you to expect him to continue to be faithful to you if you are no longer interested. If that is truly how you feel, you need to either accept an open marriage, or end the marriage. Anything else just isn't fair

Well that was constructive! Do you feel better now?

OP, I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest this might be a hormonal imbalance of some kind, possibly relating to pregnancy. Any chance you have any other symptoms of an under active thyroid?

Years ago I was on a medication that obliterated my sex drive. People don’t understand that losing your sex drive doesn’t mean you aren’t really in the mood - sex actually becomes something repulsive or even frightening.

I had years like this. Then it would come back intermittently - then I got pregnant and it was gone again for a year after birth. It might come back occasionally for a week or two but then it goes again.

It’s bloody horrible feeling this way and just not wanting to be messed with. But unlike you, my DH wasn’t demanding sex I didn’t want - it was brutal for him but we kept communicating, and now when my sex drive does come back we have very enjoyable sex because I don’t resent or feel angry with him.

This is how things are for you currently. I would certainly see the GP, see if depression might be an issue and ask for blood tests. Then I would have a conversation with your DH where you say that for now, you don’t want sex and therefore won’t be having any. You’re trying to get help to see if there’s something that can be resolved, but you don’t know if it will get better.

His choices are to stay and see how things go without forcing you or blackmailing you into sex, or to leave. He does not get to manipulate you into sex you don’t want. Ever.

Can't say I hate it ,but every one I have been with after a while I just can't be bothered, when I was married it's what made my then husband left , but I did tell him that what would happen although it didn't happen for quite a while and after he left I have not been with anyone else has been 23yrs

Coerced sex is rape. Of course you hate it.

It's hardly going to help your self-esteem to be treated like an inanimate object either.

From a personal perspective I've always had a high sex drive, was lucky enough to navigate my way mentally around childbirth and the changes in available time, couple dynamics, being "touched a lot" by DC.

But again I think that's because a) I see myself as a sexual being and was clear about my sexual identify before DC, and b) I don't see sex as only the initial bit a relationship - there to tolerate and maybe enjoy it when being pursued, then immediately lose interest once it's served its function.

I really think this country would benefit a bit from a bit of a shift in culture when it comes to sex. On here the default is often to the slapstick, functional, pragmatic, and bawdily humorous ways of describing sex - as if we all have a shared language that "no way my DH will get that from me" or "when doing the deed (really?! ugh) I called out to ask when dinner might be". Hilarious! Until you realise in the end when the worst happens why one party is mentally still invested in sex, and one party always treated it as a kind of awkward joke.

@Myhairnightmare

I agree with PP, you don't owe your husband sex. That being said, there are two of you in the relationship and you cannot expect him to sacrifice his sex life for the remainder of his life because you do not enjoy it. It would be very selfish for you to expect him to continue to be faithful to you if you are no longer interested. If that is truly how you feel, you need to either accept an open marriage, or end the marriage. Anything else just isn't fair

It's very selfish of a man to bully and manipulate by pestering and sulks into sex she doesn't want.

The answer to sex pesting is not a fucking open marriage.

OP - this can't continue. You will have to tell your DH that you can't have sex with him any more.

This is no life.

Not read whole thread bit just to say I don't think you're abnormal at all. I think it can be very common to go off sex completely after giving birth and your life changing completely, giving everything to your child all day leaves you feeling like the last thing you want is to give over your body and emotions to yet another person. Also, second thing is that your DH is not responding well and should not be getting angry and making you feel guilty. I had a similar thing and went to a counsellor for a few months. Really helped me work out the new person I'd become. Your DH would benefit from hearing how you feel once you know what it is. If he can't respect that, it could be time to move on.

@Myhairnightmare

I agree with PP, you don't owe your husband sex. That being said, there are two of you in the relationship and you cannot expect him to sacrifice his sex life for the remainder of his life because you do not enjoy it. It would be very selfish for you to expect him to continue to be faithful to you if you are no longer interested. If that is truly how you feel, you need to either accept an open marriage, or end the marriage. Anything else just isn't fair

I think it's very early on to say that, they don't have a child now in school and they are having sex once every couple of weeks at least. Lots of people on here have sex very sporadically until the child is in own room, sleeping through and the Mother is feeling happy in her body again. To suggest an open relationship as a realistic option to someone who had a baby an year and a half ago and still has a go even when she doesn't feel like it is a bit cruel I think.

@TatianaBis

OP - this can't continue. You will have to tell your DH that you can't have sex with him any more.

This is no life.

Hmm but when is OP supposed to make that call? That's like a trumpet signal for "end zone of relationship", is that what OP should do?

Isn't there a middle way, where they are able to go to their partner and say

• I acknowledge this is hugely frustrating for you
• this isn't about you though and I need my time to work through this
• I value our relationship and recognise the importance of sex to you in it
• but you pressurising me doesn't acknowledge any of the changes in our life and to my body and self perception

And then they work through it somehow by the OP getting the headspace they need to rediscover their sexuality, or discover the truth of their life if sex was never really a thing and it's really come to a head.