Does anyone else just hate sex ?

[nc202105]

It makes me feel ill. I hate doing it. Does that change ? I've felt like this for a while, but going through a bad period. Where it's just even worse than normal. I'm married.

[janeapple111]

OP - does thinking about having sex with another man, feel gross to you?

Or just with your husband.

I am not telling you to have sex with another man, I just want to get an idea of how you are thinking.

[TatianaBis]

It's hard when it's the only relationship you know, it wasn't like this at the beginning and it's not all bad. I will leave but at the moment I have no money, I'm in debt, have 3 young children and nowhere to go.



Have you spoken to Women's Aid? Sounds like you could do with support to make a plan.

[TomPinch]

@janeapple111

Another article on the topic from livescience.com

"Only 3 percent to 5 percent of the roughly 5,000 species of mammals (including humans) are known to form lifelong, monogamous bonds , with the loyal superstars including beavers, wolves and some bats."

Do you think humans should run around on all fours? Most mammals do that too.

[Doona]

@nc202105

He doesn't understand and just follows me around. I try to avoid it. But he won't let it go and when I refuse be gets angry sometimes. He says he has no joy.

I do feel bad. I think it would be more bearable if I looked normal again.

Anyone would hate this. Its perfectly normal to hate sex when it happens in a way that's unkind and when you don't feel you have control over it!

You've been through a lot giving birth. His job is to make you feel fantastic again, not to use you like that. I'm really angry on your behalf.

[Branleuse]

Are you in love with your husband?

[janeapple111]

@TomPinch Humans are mammals you know. Did you know that?

Livescience.com also compares humans to animals.We are all mammals. Note the "including humans"

Only 3 percent to 5 percent of the roughly 5,000 species of mammals (including humans) are known to form lifelong, monogamous bonds , with the loyal superstars including beavers, wolves and some bats.

[Umizumi2]

I'm exactly the same as you OP.

[janeapple111]

@TomPinch and marriage did not always exist. There are many accounts of early generations of humans being polygamous.

Marriage was invented by men, in later stages of human development, so that women would become men's property.

Here is an article from a history website online.

"The first recorded evidence of marriage ceremonies uniting one woman and one man dates from about 2350 B.C., in Mesopotamia. Over the next several hundred years, marriage evolved into a widespread institution embraced by the ancient Hebrews, Greeks, and Romans. But back then, marriage had little to do with love or with religion. Marriage's primary purpose was to bind women to men. Through marriage, a woman became a man's property. "

[Lockeddownagain]

I'm not a big fan. I never understand people who go on about how great sex is. I hate the it's the wrong man shit. Not everyone likes everything I think it's ok for some people not to like sex. X

[thehorsealreadybolted]

I think it’s boring. Not done it for over a year. I feel sorry for my bloke but why should I make myself if I really do not want to? I’ve made myself give in to it for 20 years and now I don’t want to.

[VenusTiger]

@nc202105 does your DH know any of this? If not, you need to tell him, else it's a vicious circle - he thinks you don't love him and you think he doesn't love you.
The old saying 'men need sex in order to feel loved - women need to feel loved in order to want sex'.
Start being open about everything with him OP, you've got nothing to lose and you need to be transparent.
See a sex therapist together.

[Looooona]

These types of threads are so common on mumsnet however in my group of friends, this would be unheard of. Maybe the typical mumsnet poster just doesn’t like sex very much. Also agree with the culture thing, I grew up in Canada where everyone talks about sex, masturbation, sexuality etc. when I moved here I was shocked at the lack of sexuality in this country. Men seem awkward in their approach to sex and British parents encourage their children to use pet names for their genitals (noo noo, pee pee etc.) all very strange to me and explains the weird anti sex culture.

[Rejoiningperson]

I’d say that your feelings about sex are you your feelings about how you are and about your relationship. It’s not the sex if you used to like it. It’s a symptom for you. Especially after having a baby a lot can change about how you feel.

Your husband needs to back off - and stop sulking. You’ve had his child FFS does he have any idea what a huge thing that is for a body to go through? He should try doing it!

Don’t feel bad. What you need is some respectful, affection at the pace that you can handle. No kisses that turn into a sulk just because it doesn’t lead to sex. You need to know you are safe and secure with your man, which means you need him to have your back while you recover from the birth and from tiredness. Hugs and hand holds, small gestures, with no expectation. Give him it straight!

And then don’t worry about sex. If you liked it once, and your man cares enough to back off, then it will come when you feel OK about everything again and not a moment before.

Also, I’ve had children with two different men. The first one was an asshole about sex after I’d had our child, I felt so tired and he was sulking he wasnt’ getting attention. I went off sex completely. He told me I was probably a lesbian. We split up and I felt that maybe I was rubbish sexually for a long time.

Second man, was really respectful but also really sexy. After I had his child, he made me feel like a goddess. Complimented my body. Affectionate. And crucially gave me affection but never once made me feel under any pressure, he’d just stop immediately if I pushed him away. But he did keep up with making me feel sexy, as in, he’d give me a kiss and say how fantastic it was, and then back off so I wouldn’t feel under pressure. It’s pretty easy to feel sexual when someone makes you feel like that. So we had a really good sex life that was as active at the end as the start.

So, it’s not you.

[TomPinch]

[quote janeapple111]@TomPinch and marriage did not always exist. There are many accounts of early generations of humans being polygamous.

Marriage was invented by men, in later stages of human development, so that women would become men's property.

Here is an article from a history website online.

"The first recorded evidence of marriage ceremonies uniting one woman and one man dates from about 2350 B.C., in Mesopotamia. Over the next several hundred years, marriage evolved into a widespread institution embraced by the ancient Hebrews, Greeks, and Romans. But back then, marriage had little to do with love or with religion. Marriage's primary purpose was to bind women to men. Through marriage, a woman became a man's property. "[/quote]
"a history website online".

[thepeopleversuswork]

I suspect OP that a large part of your aversion to sex springs from the fact you're married to a sex pest who has the emotional age of a child and has no interest in your emotional wellbeing or sexual pleasure.

I would bet my house on this being the main cause of your low libido. Unless your husband can go through a radical personality transplant I'm not hopeful that this can improve: you could talk to him but it doesn't sound like he has the emotional equipment to process this.

Aside from that, its very normal to go off sex for a period of time after childbirth and when nursing small children. This, combined with being married to a bully, would put most people off sex.

I think you need to decouple your feelings about your husband from your feelings about sex in the abstract. I have to say, though, that even leaving sex out of the equation I wouldn't want to be married to and raise children with someone with such a neanderthal and entitled view of your relationship.

I strongly suspect your libido would return if you left him. More to the point you would probably feel happier and more confident in other unrelated areas of your life.

[Rejoiningperson]

[quote janeapple111]@TomPinch Humans are mammals you know. Did you know that?

Livescience.com also compares humans to animals.We are all mammals. Note the "including humans"

Only 3 percent to 5 percent of the roughly 5,000 species of mammals (including humans) are known to form lifelong, monogamous bonds , with the loyal superstars including beavers, wolves and some bats.[/quote]
The difference is that with humans the children take a long, long time to grow up. Almost all mammals stay together to bring up their children, but their children are independent very quickly.

It is very important evolution wise that a child has the best chance, and with humans that is with it’s mother and father being monogamous so that the attention of both parents ensures it’s survival. Only wealthy men in our societies tended to have more than one wife, as they could afford to, and even then there is usually a hierarchy with legitimate heirs. Having sex with more partners also has more risks of infections, STDs.

So the argument that we are meant to be non-monogamous isn’t based on solid historical or biological evidence. And certainly throughout time a traditional marriage type arrangement where men and women mate for life is overwhelmingly the norm.

[TomPinch]

Tbh, whether humans are naturally monogonous or not has no relevance and is of no help to the OP.

[DRGT]

There is nothing wrong with you. You don't need a sex therapist. You are not gross. You don't need a new body. You need someone who doesn't see and treat you as a possession and put such awful pressure on you. While I appreciate it is frustrating to have a mismatch in sex drive, a person who loves you would do everything in their power to make you feel valued, and important and listened to. Pregnancy and childbirth and the changes to your body AND your mind can be immense. For some people not so much, for others (along with the exhaustion and giving EVERY ounce of yourself to another human life) takes its toll on your well being. I definitely recommend a GP visit, some therapy and a day a week to yourself (that baby girl will love nursery time). Prioritse yourself, have time on your own, pursue your own interests and NOT in pursuit or a pre pregnancy body. Hopefully, your husband will support and encourage this. If he does, the intimacy may return. To be comfortable and confident with physical intimacy there needs to be emotional intimacy... What you do not need right now is pressure... you are not weird. You are not gross. You do not have to appease his moods and sling and passive aggressiveness. You and your body are yours and yours alone. If you decide never to have sex again then this is your choice. I imagine, if you were treated better then you may feel better about yourself and be more interested in physical intimacy...

[Rejoiningperson]

I do think it’s weird that in our culture it is OK for either a man or a woman to ‘sulk’ about ‘mismatched’ sex drives. It totally kills sex. Sulking is the most unsexy thing ever as it just reduces sex to a mechanical act that anyone could do with anyone else.

It’s like we’ve lost the art of sex and seduction, and that sex is about a connection with that person, which is crucial in marriage as well as when single. Sulking is the opposite of connection and so sex dies.

[lookylookyhooky]

The fact you’re even asking shows you know it’s not right....

[lookylookyhooky]

Sorry wrong thread!

[me4real]

PP's are right by the way, coerced sex is non-consensual. And definitely non-sensual. I used to call some sex with one of my exes 'anti-sex' before I realized it was rape.

[DRGT]

...and sulking is essentially coercive and controlling behaviour

[CorianderBee]

Sounds like a combo of an annoying sex pest husband becoming unattractive to you (and nobody wants to shag someone they find unattractive) and low self esteem around your body (if you can't feel sexy then sex isn't sexy). Throw in feeling obligated and like you can't escape it and boom - sex is uncomfortable and gross.

That combo would make me hate sex too.

[CorianderBee]

@Myhairnightmare

I agree with PP, you don't owe your husband sex. That being said, there are two of you in the relationship and you cannot expect him to sacrifice his sex life for the remainder of his life because you do not enjoy it. It would be very selfish for you to expect him to continue to be faithful to you if you are no longer interested. If that is truly how you feel, you need to either accept an open marriage, or end the marriage. Anything else just isn't fair

See I disagree. She's not saying forever, but she's asking to slow down or have some time off for a bit. If he can't do that to try and help her feel happier and more able to want sex then frankly he doesn't love her.