To have left this child behind because of their inappropriate (for the weather) clothes

[Oilpyii]

This afternoon I’ve been asked to take a child with my children to an activity we go to regularly. It’s near the docks and involves a 20-25min walk along the waterfront. Even further inland the weather is rough here, and forecast to get wetter this afternoon. I’ve already text to the parent ‘xxx will need warmer/ drier clothes than you think, it’s always wetter and colder than you think at xxxx. Puddles are a nightmare too’

Said child has just turned up with a thin hoody, no coat, and canvas pumps. There is no issue with clothing and I know the child has numerous coats and waterproof shoes. They are affluent and have huge amounts of everything, I’ve seen their clothing.

I pointed out it’s wet/ cold and was told xxxx doesn’t want to bring a coat. I said they need one, can you pop back to get it (their house is 2-3 min from the bus stop), I’m happy to wait and the bus isn’t due for a while anyway. It was repeated they didn’t want one. The child stroppily said she wasn’t taking one.

For context I’ve struggled every time I’ve taken this child out and tend to avoid it now, as they moan about everything. How far to walk/ being wet/ bored/ hungry. This is not the kind of child that runs laughing in rain and seems unaware of cold and wet (I know a few!), this is a child that will provide misery and they go on and on about being wet or cold and then try to demand someone else’s waterproofing. Or want to turn back. Last time I saw them we met and they wore suitable footwear for a forest walk and we ended up not actually being able to walk anywhere (group meeting) and it was a drama. Another time at brownie camp they refused a coat and made it miserable for the whole pack with the fuss over and over as they froze and got soaked.

Their mums view is it’s their choice/ a lesson they can learn. (Little laugh). After a lot of back and forth I said ‘look no coat, either your mum can come or you stay at home. Get your coat if you are coming with us’. They chose to go home.

Mum is annoyed the child is missing the paid for activity (she can’t come due to another child needing a lift soon). She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child. My view is I have no urge to parent her child, but I refuse to put up with the inevitable moaning.

People can choose to parent how they wish and tolerate what they wish to tolerate.
What they cannot do is force other people to tolerate it when the consequences of their parenting choices are a PITA to be around. Other people get to choose to not want to be around youe child.
OP quite rightly excercised her right.
That's all there is to it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yay! Well done OP. DC will need more than a tee shirt in their career as a deliveroo rider.

you were completely fair enough.
You told them the child needed to be dressed warmly because you know this kid will whinge the entire time about being cold and wet. Not because you are personally worried about how she feels. You know from experience that the kid will ruin the trip if shes cold, and since she definitely would be, then her mum can take her by herself if she thinks thats reasonable

It's really lazy and crap parenting to put the responsibility for "learning moments" on other people.

It might be an idea to not take the child again at all if there are going to be these problems.

Not sure if this is a Brownie activity or just something you are doing.

Whether you are paid or doing out of the kindness of your heart you are responsible.

If there was a problem because of your shortcomings as a leader you could be held responsible - legally/morally/socially.

So its perfectly reasonable to say no coat, no trip. (I’ve got frozen in a fleece today)

I did the same when I took hill walking trips when I was a teacher. No walking boots, no coat, no trip.

We had a stock for those without and lent them to those pupils - normally sorted the week before. But I seem to remember pointedly holding the bus up to get one child some.

Why do you agree to taking child

I would say no

Or are you paid to look after her

I'd be blunt if she says anything else: your failure to explain and insist upon appropriate footwear and layers means it ends up affecting everyone else on these activities.

YANBU at all. Totally correct and not your job to parent her dd. Sounds as if the woman needed some boundaries herself!

I would find myself using that phrase: ' I just don't feel comfortable with it.'

At the end of the day, with petty irritations and difficulties, you can either find a way round, or it's just not feasible. You come across as genuinely trying to help, so this isn't about you trying to work out how much you can be bothered to put yourself out for somebody else. It's about what you feel you can honestly do under the circumstances.
You are going against your own principles of the right way to treat children and between a rock and a hard place in knowing what to say and explain to the child. What can you say to the child? 'Your mum thinks you should learn the hard way by finding yourself wet and freezing and too numb to do the activity?'.
Supervising a group of kids is no easy business, anyway.

I would have tried to get a spare coat of one of my kids - if I could - to give it to her. And then say I can't take her again.

I can see why her parents were annoyed if she missed a paid-for activity, but all you can do is be honest OP and say you're sorry if you pissed them off but it's not really fair on the other kids if she would be complaining and wanting to get back home again straight away.

Although I guess on a brisk walk to an activity 20-25 mins away what could she really have done except a bit of moaning? Not like a day out where you'd actually have to come home early if she was not dressed appropriately. I probably would have taken her but refused future requests.

For clarification- I’m not paid. I’m just a mum taking my own three to a sports activity and being asked if another can tag alone with us on the journey. I ignored the first text request ‘accidentally’ missing it, but gave it last night when they had no other option. The activity was paid for well before I was asked to take the child, for all they knew I may not have been able to.

My house is not near the bus stop so I have no spare coats.

Mother is a mega CF

It was absolutely wild here yesterday cold, windy and throwing it down with rain. OP knows it’s colder on waterfront and has pre warned parent. OP has other children with her. She is on public transport. She gets 20 mins into walk and girl is blue with cold, crying, shivering and refusing to walk as her feet are soaking wet and her canvas shoes are rubbing her feet - what can OP do? She can’t leave girl alone. Call her mum to collect her and others miss activity? Carry her and get bus home and the others miss it.
How mum parents is up to her when she’s dealing with it.

@Bibidy

I can see why her parents were annoyed if she missed a paid-for activity, but all you can do is be honest OP and say you're sorry if you pissed them off but it's not really fair on the other kids if she would be complaining and wanting to get back home again straight away.

Although I guess on a brisk walk to an activity 20-25 mins away what could she really have done except a bit of moaning? Not like a day out where you'd actually have to come home early if she was not dressed appropriately. I probably would have taken her but refused future requests.

It's not just the walk back though is it?

Potentially the child will be cold the moment they get out if the car...

So 20 minutes walk, 45-60 minutes activity and another 20+ minutes walk again.

It's bad enough having a whining kid for ten minutes let alone over an hour.... Especially when all that was needed was for their parent to send a bloody coat...

Oh...and on the bus back!!

Proud of you OP

It is indeed for her to parent her child. She could provide appropriate clothing or take her herself. That would be parenting 😉

@swimlittlefishy

She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child

I'd tell her it's about time she started doing so by dressing the kid properly in the first place.

Fuck me, if she's moaning about parenting her child then SHE needs to drag her own moany wet cold kid along a tow path for an hour. You deffo made the right decision her op

Well done for sticking to your guns

I was going to reply with something I was told by someone old and wise years ago:

"A child wears a coat when its mother is cold."

However, if this particular child is permanently whinging about being cold then yanbu. Although it sounds like they won't learn from being left out if they haven't learnt it's fucking cold at the docks!

Then say no next time

Well done OP. For those people saying that she should have had the natural consequence of being cold, remember she did have a natural consequence- she didn't get to go. Why are people so afraid of that consequence?

I wouldn’t tell a friend my children had autism.
Your child's health is your own business. However, if I've offered for your child to go out with my child for the day, I would expect that I know all relevant information that might pose a risk to his safety. So you don't have to say his health condition, but if you told me that he's prone to running off or gets upset at loud noises or whatever, I'm prepared.
I've had one parent do that to me when even the rudimentary basics would have been helpful to prevent another child getting hurt and I'll never invite that child along again - purely because while I know now he's got a medical issue because she alluded to it recently, I'm still none the wiser how to ensure that I manage it, what his limitations or triggers are. So I'm not going to risk his safety or the safety of the others on the outing.

OP, my 9yo will only wear shorts, and absolutely refuses to wear anything heavier than a hoodie. He's not got SEN. If mine landed back saying you sent him home for not wearing a coat, I'd text you to thank you and tell him he bloody well deserves to miss out if he's not prepared to tog out properly.

The lesson she is learning today is that if she doesn’t dress appropriately she will not go to the activity - not up to the mum, up to you

Well done

Im sorry if people misunderstood re autism. It's just I knew someone whose child had very severe autism and things like this could be challenging for both parent and child. I meant no offence to anyone.