To have left this child behind because of their inappropriate (for the weather) clothes

[Oilpyii]

This afternoon I’ve been asked to take a child with my children to an activity we go to regularly. It’s near the docks and involves a 20-25min walk along the waterfront. Even further inland the weather is rough here, and forecast to get wetter this afternoon. I’ve already text to the parent ‘xxx will need warmer/ drier clothes than you think, it’s always wetter and colder than you think at xxxx. Puddles are a nightmare too’

Said child has just turned up with a thin hoody, no coat, and canvas pumps. There is no issue with clothing and I know the child has numerous coats and waterproof shoes. They are affluent and have huge amounts of everything, I’ve seen their clothing.

I pointed out it’s wet/ cold and was told xxxx doesn’t want to bring a coat. I said they need one, can you pop back to get it (their house is 2-3 min from the bus stop), I’m happy to wait and the bus isn’t due for a while anyway. It was repeated they didn’t want one. The child stroppily said she wasn’t taking one.

For context I’ve struggled every time I’ve taken this child out and tend to avoid it now, as they moan about everything. How far to walk/ being wet/ bored/ hungry. This is not the kind of child that runs laughing in rain and seems unaware of cold and wet (I know a few!), this is a child that will provide misery and they go on and on about being wet or cold and then try to demand someone else’s waterproofing. Or want to turn back. Last time I saw them we met and they wore suitable footwear for a forest walk and we ended up not actually being able to walk anywhere (group meeting) and it was a drama. Another time at brownie camp they refused a coat and made it miserable for the whole pack with the fuss over and over as they froze and got soaked.

Their mums view is it’s their choice/ a lesson they can learn. (Little laugh). After a lot of back and forth I said ‘look no coat, either your mum can come or you stay at home. Get your coat if you are coming with us’. They chose to go home.

Mum is annoyed the child is missing the paid for activity (she can’t come due to another child needing a lift soon). She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child. My view is I have no urge to parent her child, but I refuse to put up with the inevitable moaning.

It might well mean that for safety reasons everyone has to come home early though. You can’t just leave the other children to take coat free madam home and getting properly cold and wet is actually dangerous dh nearly got hypothermia when his bike broke down and he had to faff about and fix it and he’s an adult. Spectacularly selfish behaviour

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]**@HowWeAre* This is literally irrelevant to the OP* is it? I wouldn’t tell a friend my children had autism.[/quote]
Really?

So, you would expect me, as the friend, to take your 7 year old to a place where they are walking along the docks, and then taking part in an activity and you don't think that it is relevant for me to know that your child has autism?
You don't think that piece of information is helpful to someone looking after your child?

But it is irrelevant in this context anyway, if your child, autistic or not, is a pain in the neck because they are cold, lags behind, won't walk with the others, whinges and moans and wants to borrow the coat from one of the others, then your child is a pain BECAUSE they are not wearing the right clothes.
If you choose to take them out like that, fine, your choice. But if you want me to take them out like that, then I have the right to say - no thanks, I don't want to deal with the consequences.

Her mum paid for the activity! You're being completely unreasonable. Up to the mum how her child is dressed and if she gets a cold

@Daisylion

I haven't RTFT but I would say that if you've committed to taking a child to an activity you should keep that commitment unless the child not having the coat etc. would actually make it unsafe rather than just unpleasant for you.

However, after the inevitable moaning and complaining about the cold I would then explain to the Mum that you won't be taking the child out again unless they are wearing appropriate clothing.

Would you take the child on a boat trip where they refused a lifejacket? Would you take them to a high ropes course where they refused to wear a harness? Would you drive them somewhere when they refused to wear a seatbelt?

Guessing not.

The child's safety was at risk by wearing inappropriate clothing. They could have got hypothermia for example.

If you're willing to deal with a child that isn't yours with hypothermia, then great. But OP shouldn't feel obliged to take that risk on.

Re. the autism point, which isn't at all relevant to the OP as the child she was dealing with clearly DID need a coat, just refused to wear one - a friend of mine has 4 DC on the spectrum. At least 3 of them will wear "inappropriate" clothing for the weather, because their body temp regulation is different - it's often been mentioned by people that 2 of them will wear shorts and no jumper in winter (Australia) and long trousers and jumpers in summer. But that's how their sensory issues manifest - they feel the temperatures differently.

IF the child in the OP had been without a coat before and had been fine and just got on with it, fair enough. But she hadn't - she'd whinged and moaned about being cold, held up the others in the group and made the outing miserable. So no sensory differences - she's just a stroppy little girl who likes having her own way and whose mother can't be arsed with the argument.

My DS2 - also a stroppy little child - refused to wear a jacket out this evening, because "it's not that cold". No, probably not when we left, but since it was going to get darker and colder, we all knew he'd need one - but not him! He refused! So he got to go out without his jacket (or we'd have been late) and sure enough, when it came time to go home and we had to go out in the cold and wet, there was lots of whinging. He'll learn eventually - but this is MY child and I am the one dealing with it - this is up to me. I wouldn't inflict this on another parent, especially not one doing me a favour!

My two boys never wore coats, still don't now they are at uni. I always let them choose, but they would not be taken out again if they moaned about being cold. Spoiling everyone else's day is not on. I would have said exactly the same 'bring your coat or you aren't coming, I'm not prepared to listen to/put up with your moaning'

The parent asks you to take child?
Just say NO.
FGS

@Sn0tnose

She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child.

The only response to this is ‘You’re absolutely right. I’m so glad you understand and agree that it’s not my job to deal with a child who is cold, wet and miserable because they weren’t dressed for the weather’.

This is your response word for word. Send it. Don't allow the mother away with that. Daughter didn't lick it off a stone.

BUT, I think you were very silly to invite the child knowing the lay of the land.

One strike and you are out in this house.

I had enough with my own children and had zero tolerance for any others that exhibited signs of being hard work.

You shouldn't have invited her.
Don't do it again.

Apologies misread, you were asked to bring her.

Even more annoying.
Absolutely correct not to allow her to spoil the outing through stubbornness.

Christ alive the mum needs her head testing.

I was expecting you to say she was thirteen/fourteen. 7?! What kind of parent lets their child go out with another family in weather like this with no coat?! She’s a little girl, she gets told what to bring. That’s like saying you wouldn’t pack her lunch if she said she wouldn’t be hungry.

Well done for standing your ground, OP. Maybe little miss and her mum will think about their expectations and actions next time!

I hope you and your children had a lovely day!

You did the right thing. I’d have texted back “I’m not trying to parent your child, I was offering to do you a favour but am not prepared to have to deal with a cold, wet , miserable extra child at what is supposed to be a fun activity for my children”

She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child

She's right, it is, just as she's right that it's a lesson for the child to learn ... and one of those lessons is that others don't have to tolerate stupidity and whining, whether it's from the parent or the child

A useful learning experience for them both, I'd say ...

@MyDcAreMarvel

My children have autism they are often “inappropriately” dressed for the weather. Another child’s clothes are non of your business.

My nephew’s paraplegic, what’s your point?

Completely irrelevant circumstances.

The child in question isn’t autistic therefore should be properly dressed.

And the pratt of the week award goes to:
@MyDcAreMarvel

@XelaM

Her mum paid for the activity! You're being completely unreasonable. Up to the mum how her child is dressed and if she gets a cold

Why didn’t her mum fetch her coat so she could go then seeing as she’d paid for it!

Well done OP. A child that age doesn't get to make the decision whether they need a coat or not. They can't see past how they're feeling at that immediate moment anyway. My youngest would never want to take a coat, if I knew it was going to be where the way he'd need one it would be two choices, take your coat or don't go.

He's now 14 and I said exactly this when we went for a pub meal last week and it was clearly going to get cold as the evening went on! My stance was that I'm paying for the meal and I don't want it to be spoilt by a cold 14 year old who wants to go home sooner than everyone 🤣

OP you are a breath of FRESH AIR ...

You were doing the mum a favour. You and your children shouldn’t have your day ruined by someone causing problems and making everyone miserable. Tell her mum I’m sorry but I’ve got several people to think about can’t spend all my time fussing over your dd. Please provide apt clothing ( even if in a backpack) or I can’t take her. I need to be able to pay attention to everyone and it’s not fair on my kids or your dd if she’s upset and no one can help her.
Really not your problem. If her mum wants her to go underdressed then she can take her herself. She can’t visit her problems in you to make her life easier.

You were absolutely right to leave the child behind - due to the reasons stated, previous experience, you knew she would moan, whinge and spoil the day/activity.

One of my dd’s would do this. She sounds exactly like the girl you describe - headstrong, stroppy, demanding. Also has the good points you describe of the girl. No way would I let her come with you if she was dressed inappropriately as I know what she’d be like and how it would spoil the day. I’d have told her myself to dress correctly otherwise she’s not going. If she refused, I would have rang you first and told you she was no longer coming and why - I wouldn’t have rocked up with her expecting you to still take her.

Those of you saying the OP should have taken her, get a grip! Why would you take someone as a favour who is just going to ruin the day? Seriously, we need to stop molly coddling our children. Dress correctly, follow the rules, behave with others, or you’re not going. Simple.

The poster with a dc with autism. Get a grip also - your comments are stupid. It has nothing to do with the OP’s situation. I have another dd with autism, but that’s not relevant to this discussion.

@XelaM

Her mum paid for the activity! You're being completely unreasonable. Up to the mum how her child is dressed and if she gets a cold

Lol. Are you the child's mum??

The mother had notice of needing a coat.
Refused to go back and get a coat after being told her child couldn't attend without it.
Refused to bring daughter along herself after the child returned home.

It's not the OPs fault the kid missed out

I wouldn’t tell a friend my children had autism.

I would hope you would if they were taking care of them for the day.

@XelaM

Her mum paid for the activity! You're being completely unreasonable. Up to the mum how her child is dressed and if she gets a cold

Yes an the child is still welcome to attend said activity, OP isn't stopping her she's just not willing to be the one to take the child to the activity if she isn't dressed properly. It sounds based on past experience this is a good move by OP.

@XelaM

Her mum paid for the activity! You're being completely unreasonable. Up to the mum how her child is dressed and if she gets a cold

Would you take a child in car somewhere that refused to wear their seatbelt? You'd drive them to the activity anyway, because their parent had paid for it?

Or would you perhaps think that it's not safe for them?

@XelaM

Her mum paid for the activity! You're being completely unreasonable. Up to the mum how her child is dressed and if she gets a cold

I agree - as long as it’s the Mum dealing with the fallout and inconvenience to everyone else when the child is cold and wet rather than OP

I wouldn't have agreed to take her in the first place. I would have told the mum that the child ruined the last group activity with her moaning that she was cold/wet/slow because she didn't have the appropriate clothing so she can take her herself in future. End of.