To have left this child behind because of their inappropriate (for the weather) clothes

[Oilpyii]

This afternoon I’ve been asked to take a child with my children to an activity we go to regularly. It’s near the docks and involves a 20-25min walk along the waterfront. Even further inland the weather is rough here, and forecast to get wetter this afternoon. I’ve already text to the parent ‘xxx will need warmer/ drier clothes than you think, it’s always wetter and colder than you think at xxxx. Puddles are a nightmare too’

Said child has just turned up with a thin hoody, no coat, and canvas pumps. There is no issue with clothing and I know the child has numerous coats and waterproof shoes. They are affluent and have huge amounts of everything, I’ve seen their clothing.

I pointed out it’s wet/ cold and was told xxxx doesn’t want to bring a coat. I said they need one, can you pop back to get it (their house is 2-3 min from the bus stop), I’m happy to wait and the bus isn’t due for a while anyway. It was repeated they didn’t want one. The child stroppily said she wasn’t taking one.

For context I’ve struggled every time I’ve taken this child out and tend to avoid it now, as they moan about everything. How far to walk/ being wet/ bored/ hungry. This is not the kind of child that runs laughing in rain and seems unaware of cold and wet (I know a few!), this is a child that will provide misery and they go on and on about being wet or cold and then try to demand someone else’s waterproofing. Or want to turn back. Last time I saw them we met and they wore suitable footwear for a forest walk and we ended up not actually being able to walk anywhere (group meeting) and it was a drama. Another time at brownie camp they refused a coat and made it miserable for the whole pack with the fuss over and over as they froze and got soaked.

Their mums view is it’s their choice/ a lesson they can learn. (Little laugh). After a lot of back and forth I said ‘look no coat, either your mum can come or you stay at home. Get your coat if you are coming with us’. They chose to go home.

Mum is annoyed the child is missing the paid for activity (she can’t come due to another child needing a lift soon). She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child. My view is I have no urge to parent her child, but I refuse to put up with the inevitable moaning.

You should not have offered to take the child and explained it is due to her behaviour. You are not prepared to take her unless she wears x clothes etc. The Mum then knows. Can't imagine it will be suggested again so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

In future when arrangements are communicated say "all children must arrive with wellies and a waterproof coat for this trip or they will not be allowed to attend"

None of this it is colder than you expect crap. Tell them the rules and if they don't like it tough. Don't let one stupid parent ruin the trip for everyone.

If they didn't have suitable gear it would be different but if they do they need to come equipped. Proper equipment for outdoor activities is a safety issue.

" She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child. My view is I have no urge to parent her child, but I refuse to put up with the inevitable moaning."

Yes, it is for her to parent the child. It is for her to accompany her coatless child and listen to her moaning about being cold. It is for her to chivvy on her child when she starts dragging a 25 minute walk into an hour. But she wasn't going to be the one doing that, it was you. And you, rightly, chose not to have her child inflict this on you.

Your response to her was far more polite than mine would have been. And any future requests would be a flat refusal, even if the girl was appropriately dressed. The parents are the ones who need to feel the consequences.

I can see why her parents were annoyed if she missed a paid-for activity, but all you can do is be honest OP and say you're sorry if you pissed them off but it's not really fair on the other kids if she would be complaining and wanting to get back home again straight away.

But it was the mum's fault she missed the paid-for activity, not the OP's. 'They chose to go home'. Mum prioritised allowing her to refuse to take the coat over going to the activity! I don't think OP has any need to apologise.

Well done OP

And avoid taking this kid in future

@theliverpoolone

I can see why her parents were annoyed if she missed a paid-for activity, but all you can do is be honest OP and say you're sorry if you pissed them off but it's not really fair on the other kids if she would be complaining and wanting to get back home again straight away.

But it was the mum's fault she missed the paid-for activity, not the OP's. 'They chose to go home'. Mum prioritised allowing her to refuse to take the coat over going to the activity! I don't think OP has any need to apologise.

Yes true.

I don't think OP needs to apologise, just thinking myself of my SD who will often refuse appropriate clothing despite a long time of wrangling and trying by me and her dad. If we finally gave up and then took her to the person who was taking her to a pre-paid activity and that person then refused to take her because of her clothes, I can see how you'd be frustrated.

But I do agree it's well within OP's rights to say no if this child is going to make the whole thing a nightmare for others, and you are right that her parents could definitely have popped home and got her a coat.

"If we finally gave up and then took her to the person who was taking her to a pre-paid activity and that person then refused to take her because of her clothes, I can see how you'd be frustrated."

I wouldn't be frustrated. I'd be telling the child "tough luck" this is what happens when you don't do what's needed. 🤷‍♀️

OP I think you did absolutely the right thing! I work as a dog walker so have spent a significant part of today outside and it has been miserable! Even dressed appropriately for the weather I haven't had an enjoyable day. I'm glad I had just got home by the time the hail storm hit I can't imagine having to have been outside today in the clothing you describe her turning up in.

@00100001

"If we finally gave up and then took her to the person who was taking her to a pre-paid activity and that person then refused to take her because of her clothes, I can see how you'd be frustrated."

I wouldn't be frustrated. I'd be telling the child "tough luck" this is what happens when you don't do what's needed. 🤷‍♀️

Yeah true! Tbh I would feel the same if I hadn't already paid for it. And at 10/11 (which I think I saw this girl is?) she shouldn't need to be wrangled into a coat anyway.

@Lexilooo

In future when arrangements are communicated say "all children must arrive with wellies and a waterproof coat for this trip or they will not be allowed to attend"

None of this it is colder than you expect crap. Tell them the rules and if they don't like it tough. Don't let one stupid parent ruin the trip for everyone.

If they didn't have suitable gear it would be different but if they do they need to come equipped. Proper equipment for outdoor activities is a safety issue.

The OP isn’t running the activity!

She has stated several times that she’s just another parent ferrying her children to the activity and back again.

The other mother was already cheeky to start off with, by asking OP to take her child with them, especially as child is known to be a PITA and try and cadge the clothes off the backs of the OP’s children when she gets cold and wet.

If you ask another parent to ferry your kids around, the least you can do is to ensure that your kid does not cause any hassle for the parent doing you the favour AND you make an effort to return the favour in a timely manner!

Why are people so afraid of that consequence?

Perhaps because they're not used to them?

This tends to happen when everything's everyone else's fault and people tiptoe around these folk ... which is why OP's been so wise

Assuming the child had wanted to go, and wasn’t being made to by her mum, I hope she’s made to pay for the wasted activity by deduction from her pocket money. That’d larn the little madam.

Very odd from the parent and I agree with your response. It is a hard lesson that some, often quite badly spoilt children can drain the life out an afternoon or day out, and it drains you if you have to continue trying to placate then whilst dealing with everyone else.

YANBU! Child (and parent) were given the chance at the bus stop to nip home and get a coat and more suitable shoes and they chose not to do that. They are completely to blame for missing the activity.

I’m a childminder, I’m very aware that their are children who will be happy in the cold and rain with no coat and some who will be miserable if they are freezing cold and wet. I know how hard it is to jolly up a child who is miserable and doesn’t want to walk and it’s no fun for anyone, especially if you are doing it as a favour for someone.

If the mum wants to teach her a child a lesson, she can do it on her own time. Not when someone else is helping her out. She can take her own child next week and then it’s no problem if the child doesn’t want to wear appropriate clothing.

@MyDcAreMarvel

My children have autism they are often “inappropriately” dressed for the weather. Another child’s clothes are non of your business.

It is if you then have to deal with a child with hypothermia, though.

OP’s already walked to bus stop with 3 kids. 3 kids to mind on bus and then a decent walk along waterfront. Hang around whilst do activities and same in reverse. Agreeing to take an extra child was very kind of OP. The mum should have been extremely grateful not moaning. It’s not like if child is cold she can just tell them to sit in car.

If I was asking someone else to do my a favour and take my child to an activity (involving a walk and a bus) I’d be making sure they were as helpful and not adding extra hassle. I’d also be buying a bottle of wine to say thank you etc. I wouldn’t be arguing about a coat or moaning at the person I asked for a favour in the first place.

My children have autism they are often “inappropriately” dressed for the weather. Another child’s clothes are non of your business

Your kids clothes are my business if I am minding your kids, or ferrying them around, or any time I am in charge of your kids and have to listen to them whining about being cold.

My point of view, that I would express to the other mother, is that I am happy to take her child along with me so long as everything is going smoothly. However, my experience is that her child gets very unhappy when she is uncomfortable (too cold/hot/wet/hungry/tired) and I don't want to be in a position where I will need to choose between leaving her child in misery or removing my (properly clothed) DCs from their activity early. So the other mother is absolutely within her rights to dress her child however she chooses, but I will reserve the right not to offer to help if it potentially puts myself and my DC in a difficult position.

The mother is a cheeky fucker, the child a PIA, and if I were asked to take a child to an activity in these circumstances I would have done as you did. Next time 8 would refuse at the outset.

@Lexilooo
‘ In future when arrangements are communicated say "all children must arrive with wellies and a waterproof coat for this trip or they will not be allowed to attend"’

If I was running a school I’d probably send out stuff like this. If you ask me to take your kid somewhere as a favour though I owe you nothing. Take it or leave it, get your own child to the activity yourself if you don’t agree with me. That’s easier for me anyway.

I have to admit though I simply cannot relate to the idea of not being able to make a 7 year old wear a coat, to the point where I’d just roll over and let them have their way. Shove it in a backpack, hang in on their head whatever- or leave them at home. But I think, bar sensory disabilities, I am the adult. Once mine reach their teens they get a say, but I’ve taught them how to operate by then.

@Dixiechickonhols exactly. I cannot believe you’d be anything but grateful if someone agrees to take a group of children on a bus. 4 kids on a bus isn’t a dream, followed by a rainy walk.

As others have said what a ruddy relief to get a poster who has the backbone to say No, rather than the usual "I was walked over, kicked at and laughed at, and then I asked them for more because I hate confrontation" usual annoyance!

Good work OP! Any more responses from the wet blanket mother?

Did the mum always know that she wouldn't be able to come?

And that her daughter when incorrectly dressed moans & in general is a pita?