To have left this child behind because of their inappropriate (for the weather) clothes

[Oilpyii]

This afternoon I’ve been asked to take a child with my children to an activity we go to regularly. It’s near the docks and involves a 20-25min walk along the waterfront. Even further inland the weather is rough here, and forecast to get wetter this afternoon. I’ve already text to the parent ‘xxx will need warmer/ drier clothes than you think, it’s always wetter and colder than you think at xxxx. Puddles are a nightmare too’

Said child has just turned up with a thin hoody, no coat, and canvas pumps. There is no issue with clothing and I know the child has numerous coats and waterproof shoes. They are affluent and have huge amounts of everything, I’ve seen their clothing.

I pointed out it’s wet/ cold and was told xxxx doesn’t want to bring a coat. I said they need one, can you pop back to get it (their house is 2-3 min from the bus stop), I’m happy to wait and the bus isn’t due for a while anyway. It was repeated they didn’t want one. The child stroppily said she wasn’t taking one.

For context I’ve struggled every time I’ve taken this child out and tend to avoid it now, as they moan about everything. How far to walk/ being wet/ bored/ hungry. This is not the kind of child that runs laughing in rain and seems unaware of cold and wet (I know a few!), this is a child that will provide misery and they go on and on about being wet or cold and then try to demand someone else’s waterproofing. Or want to turn back. Last time I saw them we met and they wore suitable footwear for a forest walk and we ended up not actually being able to walk anywhere (group meeting) and it was a drama. Another time at brownie camp they refused a coat and made it miserable for the whole pack with the fuss over and over as they froze and got soaked.

Their mums view is it’s their choice/ a lesson they can learn. (Little laugh). After a lot of back and forth I said ‘look no coat, either your mum can come or you stay at home. Get your coat if you are coming with us’. They chose to go home.

Mum is annoyed the child is missing the paid for activity (she can’t come due to another child needing a lift soon). She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child. My view is I have no urge to parent her child, but I refuse to put up with the inevitable moaning.

Well if the girl hasn't learned by now that she should wear appropriate clothes when will she?

She also won't stop being a misery whilst there are no consequences!

Does her mum know what a misery she is for other parents?

Perhaps not if she keeps getting taken out?

When we were kids an absolute rule was do as you are told when out with others & no whining!

If you didn't enjoy it-don't go again!!

Does this kid really want to go on these things or is her mum fobbing her off on others?

YANBU. Can't believe she sent her child in inappropriate clothes to begin with after you warned what the conditions would be like. Sounds like the child gets their own way frequently.

YANBU. It’s not the coat so much as the child having moaned and fussed previously that’s the issue. She shouldn’t be allowed to spoil everyone’s day, and for that reason YADNBU.

I’d stress that to her mum - her DD makes silly choices and then tries to blame everyone else and ruin things when the fault is hers.

I wonder whether the child actually wants to go? Is she playing up because she doesn’t want to be there? Either way it’s not on and she’s old enough to know better.

You were not at all unreasonable. Yes, it is her place to parent her child but she wasn't doing it. Hopefully the child will have learned a lesson from this.

Their mums view is it’s their choice/ a lesson they can learn.

I’d point out it has been a lesson for her (and her mum) to learn, so the idea of natural consequences has resulted in exactly what she was aiming for. The girl now has missed out and is probably miserable because she didn’t wear appropriate clothes.

My dd (4) is a nightmare for this and point blank refuses coats, tights, trousers, leggings (all leg coverings), most shoes other than wellies or glittery ballet pumps, skirts, shorts, jumpers, long sleeves... She then cries she is cold and wants to go home. Natural consequences have never changed her behaviour and she is an utter pain to be around. There’s nothing we can do, but I’d not inflict her company on anyone else!

YANBU but I just wouldn’t have agreed/ got in to this situation. You can always tell who the cheeky ones are. It’s too big an ask to take a child every week, especially a moaning one. I bet there’s no reciprocation from her? Just take, take take. I don’t even engage with the parents like this. Give an inch and they take a mile.

Just say ‘that would be great if you could parent your child. It’s not working for me to take her to this activity anymore.’

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@Summerfun54321 responsible for her safety not her body temperature.[/quote]
great and when the child gets hypothermia? all because the parent happily sent them out to a freezing cold and wet activity because the child refused the clothing.

As a parent you are allowed to say no to your child. Autism or not. ie. no coat wearing = no wet cold activity. So child doesn't go. Easy.

If you are willing to allow your child to risk getting hypothermia, that's on you. You take them out in the freezing cold with no coat etc. you deal with the consequences.

But, don't expect others to take that responsibility on - just because you, as their parent, have allowed them to attend an activity with inappropriate clothing (whatever the reason is).

@MyDcAreMarvel - would you allow your child to do something like Go Ape, where they refused to wear the harness, or quad biking where they refused to wear a helmet? kayaking without a lifejacket...

I'm guessing not.

[quote Oilpyii]@MyDcAreMarvel it’s like me telling you ‘well my niece is in a wheelchair and can’t wear normal coats, so she’d have not been able to go’. It’s a totally different set of circumstances isn’t it? You bring in an SEN, and a scenario where you are present and presuming not in the same place or weather. How’s that influence me taking another child, without her parent, without Sen and a totally different reaction to extreme weather in a different place?[/quote]
SEN has nothing to do with this. it's absolutely irrelevant. Whilst it might explain why the child won't wear the coat, it doesn't mean they're automatically allowed to attend an activity anyway. If that child is not wearing warm enough clothes/safety gear/whatever - then it's absolutely acceptable for the adult in charge of the activity to refuse participation.

If the parent of the child wants to come along and take responsibility for lack of appropriate gear, then great. It's totally their choice to put their kids safety at risk whilst they supervise.

But it is not at all reasonable to expect another adult to take this risk on.

Oh dear @steppemum. You have decided to read quite a lot into my post that isn’t there!

She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child.

Indeed so. That would be my reply....

@MyDcAreMarvel

My children have autism they are often “inappropriately” dressed for the weather. Another child’s clothes are non of your business.

If you’ve asked me to look after your children and I will have to deal with them whinging and moaning because they are inappropriately dressed, then it’s definitely my business.

I think you did exactly the right thing OP. It's one thing to do someone a favour but entirely different to put up with a child who is whinging because they don't follow your rules/requirements. I've come across children before who when asked to do something reply ' but my mum would let me do it like this or not make me do that ' to which I just replied 'well your mum isn't here so you do what I say or you can go home'.

YANBU! Well done!

But she wouldn’t be parenting her child whilst they are pissing and moaning about being cold and wet and tired, you would.

I probably would have done the same. The mum is also wrong for raising it by text with you, she should have done it face to face.

@MyDcAreMarvel

My children have autism they are often “inappropriately” dressed for the weather. Another child’s clothes are non of your business.

This is literally irrelevant to the OP

You did everything right. I bet the mum would be first to complain if the child came back all frozen.

@HowWeAre This is literally irrelevant to the OP is it? I wouldn’t tell a friend my children had autism.

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]**@HowWeAre* This is literally irrelevant to the OP* is it? I wouldn’t tell a friend my children had autism.[/quote]
Because it's irrelevant.it only explains why they might not wear the coat.

It doesn't mean that another adult has to deal with the consequences of the coat refusal.

It seems to me she didn't want to go and this was her get out. It sounds as though she hates wet walks and brownies. She soon skipped off home when given the option.

I haven't RTFT but I would say that if you've committed to taking a child to an activity you should keep that commitment unless the child not having the coat etc. would actually make it unsafe rather than just unpleasant for you.

However, after the inevitable moaning and complaining about the cold I would then explain to the Mum that you won't be taking the child out again unless they are wearing appropriate clothing.

If the child is not appropriately dressed for an activity, then I wouldn't be taking the child, apart from anything else if a child takes ill due to them being soaked/cold, you will end up with the blame, whether your fault or not. As for the parents, letting a child dictate what they will/won't wear is ridiculous. The conversation should be you are going to x today, you will need warm clothing/waterproofs, if child won't comply, child doesn't go. I do appreciate if child has a health/autism issue or simìlar, it will be more difficult. For heavens sake, the parents need to get a grip.

@MyDcAreMarvel Your comment would be relevant if the OP was regarding her seeing a child out in the cold and thinking the parents were UN for not putting a coat on her. But that’s not the case.

It’s absolutely OPs business what the child is wearing if the child is in her care. If the child in question has autism then surely the Mum would have told her to explain the not wearing of the coat and also if she was placing her SEN child in her care then surely that’s something OP should absolutely be aware of?

Ds is autistic ds wont wear coats on bad days still take the coat with me for the inevitable realisation that its fucking freezing then he puts his coat on

Literally nothing to do with the op but I just thought I would point put that just because my son is autistic doesnt mean I'm fucking stupid enough to let him out the house without one

Yanbu.

You are in fact in parenting her child on her absence. Mother of bratling should be making things as easy as possible for you since you're doing her a huge favour. If it isn't good enough then she needs to go too, to parent her little darling.