To have left this child behind because of their inappropriate (for the weather) clothes

[Oilpyii]

This afternoon I’ve been asked to take a child with my children to an activity we go to regularly. It’s near the docks and involves a 20-25min walk along the waterfront. Even further inland the weather is rough here, and forecast to get wetter this afternoon. I’ve already text to the parent ‘xxx will need warmer/ drier clothes than you think, it’s always wetter and colder than you think at xxxx. Puddles are a nightmare too’

Said child has just turned up with a thin hoody, no coat, and canvas pumps. There is no issue with clothing and I know the child has numerous coats and waterproof shoes. They are affluent and have huge amounts of everything, I’ve seen their clothing.

I pointed out it’s wet/ cold and was told xxxx doesn’t want to bring a coat. I said they need one, can you pop back to get it (their house is 2-3 min from the bus stop), I’m happy to wait and the bus isn’t due for a while anyway. It was repeated they didn’t want one. The child stroppily said she wasn’t taking one.

For context I’ve struggled every time I’ve taken this child out and tend to avoid it now, as they moan about everything. How far to walk/ being wet/ bored/ hungry. This is not the kind of child that runs laughing in rain and seems unaware of cold and wet (I know a few!), this is a child that will provide misery and they go on and on about being wet or cold and then try to demand someone else’s waterproofing. Or want to turn back. Last time I saw them we met and they wore suitable footwear for a forest walk and we ended up not actually being able to walk anywhere (group meeting) and it was a drama. Another time at brownie camp they refused a coat and made it miserable for the whole pack with the fuss over and over as they froze and got soaked.

Their mums view is it’s their choice/ a lesson they can learn. (Little laugh). After a lot of back and forth I said ‘look no coat, either your mum can come or you stay at home. Get your coat if you are coming with us’. They chose to go home.

Mum is annoyed the child is missing the paid for activity (she can’t come due to another child needing a lift soon). She’s text me a cross text saying it’s for her to parent her child. My view is I have no urge to parent her child, but I refuse to put up with the inevitable moaning.

I was expecting you to say this was a headstrong toddler not a child old enough to attend brownies. It's unlikely she's going to learn from natural consequences at this stage although that's a battle for her mum to endure if she chooses. Yanbu at all. I don't suppose it was the actual clothing you were objecting too just the fact you'd be dealing with the whining. I'd make that clear

You’re brilliant! Well done for standing up for yourself

“Oh it’s definitely your job to orient her, that’s why I suggested you come with us if she won’t wear a coat. I’ve been there before when she’s mad about being cold and wet remember haha! No good pretending tending I can manage that on my own so easier for you to come or just pop her up when you’ve got her ready, I’m happy to bring her home.”

you did the right thing. saying that as a parent of a coat refusing child with sensory disabilities. (they did not inherit coat refusal from me, fifty million layers on here)

it was not easy to get them in a coat, so they would have had the same options as op gave them. though I would have taken them myself as they are not easy to get in a coat, and that is not someone else's problem.

Child should put a kagool on backpack. Very light to carry, waterproof and to some degree windproof too. Patent is being very unreasonable.

Children need parents to think for them. That's why we don't leave them alone. If this mum doesn't want to do that, then fine. But you are under no obligation to bear the consequences of her lax parenting, which time has shown will be most irritating. As you say, some kids seem to be impervious to cold and rain, but this young lady isn't that kid.

I made choices about suitable outerwear for my boys until they were 12 or 13 -- old enough to suffer in silence and keep up with the expedition if they made wrong choices themselves.

Mum is cross because you put your foot down and refused to bow to childs tantrum - something mum clearly can't do!

As far as it being up to her to parent her child... Then child would have had a coat or not gone to yours. Simple. But she didn't - she let the kid do what they wanted and that isn't parenting - that's taking the easy way out which results in a stroppy brat!

Kid has form for ruining the day - totally not unreasonable to leave them and save the day.

Mum says it's their choice and it is a lesson to learn from.... Well this too is a lesson - do as you're damn told and stop moaning! Learn that one or don't go out.

Health and Safety should always be considered as you will be held responsible if anything goes wrong. YANBU. If the mother still wants the child to go without the correct clothes then ask her to put it in writing. Without that, don’t take her.

You told her very plainly coat or child does not go. Not your problem she's not meeting the very sensible requirement

You should have just said no in the first place

Well, I doubt they'll ask again, but if they do you have an excellent excuse not to - "oh, no, sorry. That didn't work well last time did it, with x refusing to wear a coat and the time before with her ruining it for the others?"

YADNBU

Wow. YANBU!!!
The child is 7yo. Of course they are going to refuse to wear the right clothes if the fancy takes them. However as a parent, or in loco parentis, it's our job to make sure they have the right clothes at least with them.

Of course the child might be neuro diverse in some way and have difficulty with that, in which case the parent has to make a decision about which child they stay / go with.

My children would never dream of being so rude to someone else's mum!!!!!!! Not at 7yo anyway. Surely most 7yos just mumble "ok, yeah" and get on with it to avoid the fuss?!!!

If she ruins most outings or gatherings for the other kids then leave them out. So unfair on the majority to pander to this girl.

You are not being unreasonable but you do quite obviously have no relationship with this child so should not agree to have 'it' again, it's unfair on everybody

YADNBU - you're doing exactly what her parents should be doing. Well done, you.

What's unreasonable is that you put up with this crap for so long. Do not invite her along again. YWNBU to have left her behind.

I voted yanbu but is it possible the child has sensory issues? My child struggles with clothes (including coat and wearing certain shoes etc).

It’s absolutely up to her to parent her child, however, if this poor child was cold and got sick while in your charge than surely you are negligent!you were right to refuse and brave too.

I’d have refused too OP. It’s totally inconsiderate of a parent to send their child on a trip in the cold/wind/rain without even a coat — a recipe for misery for whoever has to field the cold/wet youngster.

If her parents can’t ‘persuade’ her to put on her coat then they can’t persuade you to take her to her activity.

@jclm

I voted yanbu but is it possible the child has sensory issues? My child struggles with clothes (including coat and wearing certain shoes etc).

Then it was especially important for the child's own parent to sort it or come along herself.

It is completely their choice of course as to how they parent their child. It’s the child’s choice not to wear a coat etc. It’s your choice however, not to take the child because of their choices because you have experienced the fallout of said choices on previous trips out. Be prepared though if you didn’t tell her about those fallout situations, that she’ll say you should have.

I would hope that this clearcut outcome might teach parent and child a bit about not messing people around...hopefully something the little star might learn at school too?!

I don't think you were in the wrong at all.

If she's so keen to "parent" herself she can take her own children to their activities. What a cheeky cow.

[quote Oilpyii]@MyDcAreMarvel it’s like me telling you ‘well my niece is in a wheelchair and can’t wear normal coats, so she’d have not been able to go’. It’s a totally different set of circumstances isn’t it? You bring in an SEN, and a scenario where you are present and presuming not in the same place or weather. How’s that influence me taking another child, without her parent, without Sen and a totally different reaction to extreme weather in a different place?[/quote]
Because some people can't help but make everything all about them

I would reply, "happy for you to parent however you like, but if you are not there it is me that has to deal with the consequence of wet, annoyed and uncooperative child and to be honest this is my time as well and I am not prepared to deal with that, you are more than welcome to come along and deal with that as the consequence of your parenting, I am not doing it, I pay for my child to do this also and want to enjoy it"

If the child is such a nightmare why are you taking them in the first place?
YANBU no coat - no trip simple!
If mother wants them to go mother can take them