To ask the nanny not to have hot drinks whilst looking after the children?

[namechangedasouting]

We have a new part time nanny, currently settling in with out just 2 year old and 5 month old. I'm not back to the office for a couple of months but am WFH part time (hopefully, I will soon be able to be WFH on the nanny days, but currently I'm around to help most of the time whilst she's here).

We're on week 3 now, and there a few things which are making me a bit uncomfortable. She is drinking a lot of tea/coffee (at least 10 cups a day) which in itself is fine, but she leaves them accessible to my toddler. They are piping hot (freshly boiled water), not left to cool before being brought into reach. More than once I've had to pull DS away from the table they are at and ask her to move the mug. She is finding time to sit with the drinks instead of making an effort to interact with DS. He is pretty unsettled (new nanny but also other stuff happening as well) so is understandably a bit clingy, but I do feel that if she got down on the floor and started playing he would join her.

How should I approach this? Would IBU to ask her not to have hot drinks at all whilst she is around the toddler and baby? I'm not a tea/coffee drinker so may be underestimating how big an ask this is. I feel like I need to address the safety issue urgently, but also the decision to sit with feet up and a hot drink rather than interacting with the kids (again, if it were a couple of times a day it would be different, but it's at least once an hour).

How do you know it’s ten hot drinks? Not doubting you, just curious.

I said above that it’s totally unacceptable to leave them where a child can get them, but I’m nosy about the practicalities.

Did you get references? Worth trying to speak to one of them?

My only thought is that she feels a bit of a spare part with you around and isn’t really focussing? That’s being optimistic though.

I would NOT be happy with this. I wonder how experienced she is with older children? You say she's great with your baby, if she's more experience with babies who aren't mobile maybe she's thinking a low table is enough, but honestly, just as a parent- even before being a parent- I would never leave a cup of hot tea in reach of anyone's small child. I used a travel mug when my child was a baby and managed a max of three cups a day and that was when I was operating on hardly ny sleep.

I understand you're anxious, and agree you're probably making the settling in worse, but are you seriously saying you're in your home office, and she is letting your son go into you and not stopping him? That is entirely on her. Her job should be finding ways to distract your son -- the minders in my dd's nursery are great at this when children are struggling at drop off, really good at distracting and whisking away. She should be much better able for this.

I agree at a minimum you need to sit her down, ideally with your husband. Say you want to schedule a chat to check in, and if you can, get your mum to watch the kids/take them out. I'd say you've been very concerned about the hot drinks, and I'd give her a chance to explain. Why does she think its ok to leave them on the table/play unit? Is she totally thoughtless, does she misunderstand your child's levels? Why did she notice or react to you moving them?

What does she think bout phone calls - you would prefer she not use her phone, except for emergencies, is this acceptable? I think you need a list of four or five things you need to feel better about leaving your children with her, and a plan of how to get them settled in if you're Hppy with her answers. But this doesn't seem to be working out. And I think the sooner you act on that the better.

"Please make sure your drinks are always out of reach of the children"

If she needs to be told something as basic as this, can you imagine what else she might need to be told? I wouldn't keep her around to find out.

Listen to your gut. Find another nanny.

"It isn't and plenty of work places don't allow it "

Those workplaces will probably have proper breaks though, which I presume a nanny on a 10hr shift doesn't get as she can't leave the house.

Surely a nanny on a 10 hour shift should be able to come up with a long list of reasons to leave the house for the sake of her charges? A nanny who believes it’s her job to stay in all day is pretty rubbish too - and one of the reasons people pick nannys over nursery is because they can go out and about an interact with ducks / playgrounds/ shops etc

maybe I am odd but I do not manage to get a drink all day at work, sip of water maybe

Yes that is odd.

All this competitive show of martyrdom on the job is so typical of MN.

Stop normalising working yourself to the bone with not so much as a tea break, it's good to give your mind a rest even for 10 minutes.

I’m a nanny . I’ve been working with children as a nanny for over 30 years so I speak with some experience .
Firstly your nanny should not be leaving hot drinks anywhere your DC can reach them . That is basic common sense , and not something that an experienced nanny with great references should need to be told . References I’m afraid as in all jobs can be made up/ done by a friend etc . I knew a nanny who got the sack for smacking and generally bring abusive to the children in her care , yet I saw her a month later with new children in tow . Sorry op , I’m not saying this is the case but it happens .
I do sympathise with her with regards to you

@sashh

Is she drinking 10 cups of tea or making 10 and half go cold?

Is she making tea because she isn't interacting or is she not interacting because of the tea?

If she is good in other ways? If the only problem is the tea buy her a contigo and make her use it.

Could you set up a nanny cam so you can see what she is like when you are not there?

Your 2 year old will be having a hard time, lockdown is tough for everyone but your toddler has been isolated with family, now there is a new baby taking mummy's time and a new human has arrived who seems to want to be his mum.

It might be worth contacting her references and asking clear questions.

If she is not going to fit in with your family then it might be better to get a new nanny.

Oh dear god, please tell her if you're going to film her! This has disaster written all over it...

I am going to be on the other side here, as I was an aupair myself when I came over to the UK originally 10 years ago and I worked in a household where the parent worked from home and it was an absolute nightmare.
I didn't feel comfortable to do anything, and I always had someone 'watching me' - the fact that you mention you are there EBF one of the children and the other is clinging to you anyway, I can see why she seems to be just sitting around drinking coffee as ... why is she even there?

The hot drink thing - definitely recommend she use a travel mug as that would be safer and perhaps she just didn't even think of that and will thank you for the tip (if she is a good nanny!).

Otherwise, would it be possible for you to work in the office away from the children and the nanny and not be 'there to help'? Your LB will then get used to the new nanny and have a chance to bond, as will your younger one.

Doing 'childcare' when it doesn't seem necessary is exhausting and I think can be frustrating from both the nanny and your own points of view.

I'd possibily put the sitting around down to you being there so much but the hot drinks thing is ridiculous. A it's a lot of drinks, is she chucking half a cup when it gets tepid? Is she spending half her life on the loo?? Arguably she'll have less time to do that when you're not there but drinks out the way is as basic as it gets. I'd get someone else. You'll not be able to relax

Sorry posted too early ...
If you are nervous about leaving the children with her they will pick up on it , and be unsure themselves .
I have worked for many parents who are around a lot of the time , it doesn’t bother me that much but sometimes if they are super anxious and are often hovering around it makes life really hard . The children automatically want to spend time with Mum or Dad of course, and if the parents look like they encourage that , it can be frustrating . Once the children understand that while the nanny is there , they are the one who for the most part cares for them ( except for a cuddle etc when they you making yourself a cup of tea or whatever , that kind of thing ) I find then life is much easier for everyone . Children like to have routine . In my current job one boss is around a lot , the little boy often is upset in the morning ( it’s a new job and he is the age where separation anxiety often Shias itself ) but I take him into the playroom and close the door . After a minute or two he settles down snd it’s all good . If Mum was to keep coming in to check etc it would just make the situation so much worse.that could be why she is zoning out ,she may feel really frustrated
That said the drinks thing is the issue , I’d look further into her references to be honest . If it doesn’t feel right after 3 weeks , and your gut instinct is it’s not right , then I’d seriously consider looking for someone else . It’s better to change earlier rather than leave it till more time has passed which is more upheaval for the children .
You could also try and talk to her about how she feels , she may be unhappy herself but not know how to say anything .
Returning to work , feeling like you do , is going to be a nightmare , you will have to get it sorted before you leave the children with her .

I actually gave up having childcare in my house during the past year as my kids are SO CLINGY when Im trying to work from home. They know Im there and just can't focus on the nanny - this was after school care for older children.

If your babies were in nursery or with a childminder - you would have to shut the door and walk away.

It makes me cringe to imagine having to get down and encourage a toddler to play - with their incredibly tense mother watching!

EIther you trust her or you don't - the kids will cry but they need to see YOU put trust in her as well - if you don't trust her then don't hire her.

Having a cup of tea/coffee while caring for small children perfectly acceptable (I often did, show me a parent who doesn't).

Putting/leaving that hot liquid within reach of baby/toddler, totally unacceptable. ANY nanny should know that. So I take it she's not trained or qualified .

IF you already told her not to do that, and she 's still doing it, then she's unfit and you should sack her. Because that tells you that she is knowingly careless with your child's safety, and god knows what worse breaches she's doing when you're not there.

I also wonder if she is drinking cups of tea out of nerves because she feels so self conscious with you around. I'd get her to take the kids out for the day if its sunny.

Personally - I used a very very experienced childminder for my children - I loved it - a loving caring adult - who had years and years of experience with babies and toddlers - and I got to walk away and put every trust in her. I never micromanaged or even to be honest had much of a clue what went on! but they loved her.

My little one was with the CM even when breastfed at 5 months - still loved being with her and much better I wasn't around.

when you say she had "great references"; I hope that means you personally contacted her previous employers by phone and had a conversation where you checked out when she worked for them, how old the children were, what her responsibilities were, and were the employers satisfied? and compared their answers to whatever Nanny told you wehn you asked her the same questions.

Because if you didn';t check, those references could be fake, as many are.

OP if this isn’t going to work out maybe a more formal setting would suit you better like a nursery. Where you have no choice but to close the door and leave. But where there are definitely going to be rules about hot drinks near children and scheduled breaks for staff so they never bring their drinks anywhere near them! Plus a variety of staff your DS can engage with and plenty of activities.

My experience is that if it doesn't work in the first 3 weeks, it won't. I've lived to regret keeping on a slack nanny. They shouldn't need reminding about such basic stuff.

@MolyHolyGuacamole

maybe I am odd but I do not manage to get a drink all day at work, sip of water maybe

Yes that is odd.

All this competitive show of martyrdom on the job is so typical of MN.

Stop normalising working yourself to the bone with not so much as a tea break, it's good to give your mind a rest even for 10 minutes.

Not just odd, but also unhealthy not to drink anything throughout a working day.

I would get rid while you are still at home some of the time. This is basic safety and she doesn't seem to be interacting with him.

From the title, I thought you sounded awful. From the actual post... I wouldn't leave a toddler with someone who doesn't understand the most basic principle around hazard. That's in obvious common sense territory, and I am also sceptical about her references.

A friend had a nanny she was uneasy about. She's still unpicking the distress her child felt now, 2 years later. Nothing abusive and nothing per se wrong, but the nanny didn't like her child and while not overtly unkind, he knew it. Just lots of small things individually, but...it was a big deal, cumulatively.

I agree that it's not likely to improve. If you don't feel easy about leaving your children with her, then don't. I wouldn't leave mine with a nanny who didn't understand not to leave tea in reach of toddlers. If this person were a friend, would you ask them to babysit? Yet you're considering paying her for sole care, day after day? And if this is how she is when you are right there in front of her, so she's on her best behaviour, what is she going to be like when you aren't?

Find someone ASAP. If she's behaved like this in your presence...

Sounds like an accident waiting to happen, I'd get rid! I worry about hot drinks when family/friends are around even knowing they are extra careful. I couldn't relax knowing she lacks basic health and safety common sense.

I wouldn’t tell her she can’t have them. But, I would tell her she needs to use a travel mug for drinking it and leave it out of reach of the children.

Ask her to get a thermos that closes if she wants to drink hot drinks while on duty. I’m a nanny for older kids then that and still use one.

In regards to her not interacting, not to be rude but is it because you are there? Are you interacting with the child and she doesn’t want to intrude?
Seems strange to be honest. Has she been a nanny before, did references say anything similar to what you’re noticing?
Maybe suggest an activity and observe from a distance. Or ask her what activities she’d like to do with them. Some people have different styles and strengths/ weaknesses.