To ask the nanny not to have hot drinks whilst looking after the children?

[namechangedasouting]

We have a new part time nanny, currently settling in with out just 2 year old and 5 month old. I'm not back to the office for a couple of months but am WFH part time (hopefully, I will soon be able to be WFH on the nanny days, but currently I'm around to help most of the time whilst she's here).

We're on week 3 now, and there a few things which are making me a bit uncomfortable. She is drinking a lot of tea/coffee (at least 10 cups a day) which in itself is fine, but she leaves them accessible to my toddler. They are piping hot (freshly boiled water), not left to cool before being brought into reach. More than once I've had to pull DS away from the table they are at and ask her to move the mug. She is finding time to sit with the drinks instead of making an effort to interact with DS. He is pretty unsettled (new nanny but also other stuff happening as well) so is understandably a bit clingy, but I do feel that if she got down on the floor and started playing he would join her.

How should I approach this? Would IBU to ask her not to have hot drinks at all whilst she is around the toddler and baby? I'm not a tea/coffee drinker so may be underestimating how big an ask this is. I feel like I need to address the safety issue urgently, but also the decision to sit with feet up and a hot drink rather than interacting with the kids (again, if it were a couple of times a day it would be different, but it's at least once an hour).

You are her 'boss' you make the rules, and you pay her wages. It's bloody tough having to leave your kids, so you need to be 100% confident in their carer.

I don't know many people, least of all a children's nanny, who could possibly drink 10 cups a day, she may have a caffeine addiction? Either way, it's a problem that needs to be addressed.

She’s had 42 hours with your children and you’re still struggling to let go.

There's a table between the sofas we use for water glasses which was the offending place the first 2 times and then the final time the mug was up on a shelf of our kallax unit

This is quite a controlling statement. Why is the table only for water glasses?

You’re struggling to let go, fair enough, but you have to or she’ll probably be the one to tell you it isn’t working. Also your children will pick up on your hovering and anxiety. And then where will that leave you? Replacing yourself with your mum also isn’t going to help your anxiety or her ability to work. I presume you found her from a reputable source and are happy with her qualifications and references?

I think a travel mug and stepping back properly is all you can do here.

Also is she really drinking ten cups a day or is that your anxiety catastrophising / exaggerating?

I agree with All the PP in so far as hazards but these can be managed via travel mugs etc as people have suggested.

I don't think a blanket ban on hot drinks is reasonable!

But it may just be that she is not a good fit for you abs your family and it's ok to call it a day on that basis.

But I do wonder if the fact that you are there and not fully working, I.e literally around all the time and the children are used to you be there 100% in lockdown, is making it really hard for her to take control and make her connection and routines etc with the kids.

Although in a home setting it is a job. So along those lines I would expect a drink mid morning, a couple at lunchtime and another in the afternoon. Surely her priority is to interact with the children and it is her relationship with them that I would be looking at. Does she talk to your two year old and interact with him as he plays? How old is she? She sounds more like an inexperienced teenager.

YABU for expecting someone not to have a hot drink. I alongcwigh millions of other parents will drink hot drinks while caring for children. They do need to be put out of reach though.

YANBU to have second thoughts a out this nanny though. If she's got time to drink 10 hot drinks a day she's certainly not paying enough attention to the children, which is what my concern would be. I'd expect a nanny to do more than just observe my child. I think you need to find another nanny.

New nanny would seem to need to have a hot cup to drink all the time. It is like a sort of psychological crutch I would say - not a good sign - quite apart from the safety aspect of burning the children.

I can't believe all of these people saying YABU not to just give her a takeaway mug and let her get on with it 😂.

I have worked in similar capacity before and would never have had time for or expected 10 hot drinks a day whilst on the job, especially in the early days. Once she and the children are in a routine I think it would be reasonable to help herself to a hot drink during the day when they are napping or there is downtime etc. But whilst they are adjusting surely her priority is helping them to settle and showing you that she is putting in her best effort. Leaving the drink within reach of DS is another issue altogether that just seems bizarre. An experienced nanny should not need to be told not to leave hot drinks around a toddler.

All the best references in the world do not outweigh your own observations. I really think you should trust your instincts on this one.

I suspect it’s because we are wondering if OP hasn’t just latched on to the mug she saw and has exaggerated how many hot drinks the nanny is having.

10 drinks a day?
I'd be running to the loo all day long... I honestly don't get how people manage 'endless hot drinks' end rant

@Gwenhwyfar

"She's on probation. That's when you're on your best behaviour."

I've always drunk tea when on probation
I'd need quite a lot to keep me awake during a ten hour shift as well.

aww missing your nap?

I wonder if she is drinking so much tea because she is stressed, and she can't develop a bond with your child while you are always there and doesn't really find the role what she expected . Its not easy looking after a child that doesn't want you while mum is always there, kids are amazingly stubborn and single minded ,but she should know better with the cups.

Personally id find a new nanny but perhaps try asking her to curtail her breaks. You sound very people pleasing and tentative. I think being firmer about the risk to ds.

On the settling in front, after the initial introduction days, hand dc over and leave. You are making it harder for all concerned by hanging around. Nanny will be able to settle dc much better when you aren't there.

This is a safeguarding issue. Also it’s weird that she’s not sat on the floor playing with DS.

Is there a reason you don’t want to use a nursery for your older DC? If you pick a good one you get outstanding childcare, interaction and structured activities.

Get rid of her.

I was totally ready to say you were being unreasonable until I clicked the post. 10 cups a day is ridiculous and the time to make/cool/drink them is a big abstraction from her working day. I'd al

Is she drinking 10 cups of tea or making 10 and half go cold?

Is she making tea because she isn't interacting or is she not interacting because of the tea?

If she is good in other ways? If the only problem is the tea buy her a contigo and make her use it.

Could you set up a nanny cam so you can see what she is like when you are not there?

Your 2 year old will be having a hard time, lockdown is tough for everyone but your toddler has been isolated with family, now there is a new baby taking mummy's time and a new human has arrived who seems to want to be his mum.

It might be worth contacting her references and asking clear questions.

If she is not going to fit in with your family then it might be better to get a new nanny.

Is she drinking 10 cups of tea or making 10 and half go cold?

This. Or its the same cuppa that she is drinking gradually.

And its perfectly possible to interact with a child while popping the kettle on. Talking to them about what you are doing is interaction.

10 cups of tea in a single shift is insane for any job (other than tea taster). And that’s when you’re there and she’s on probation.

The big question for me is whether she actually has a plan of active for your child even though you’re there? A really engaged nanny (especially one trying to bond with a new child and distract them from their mother being there) will come in each morning with a few ideas for the day - a walk collecting leaves / a visit to the shop to buy flour and make some play doh together / sticking pictures/ doing paintings. If she’s sitting there like a pudding drinking tea and doesn’t have those plans and isn’t doing those activities, get rid immediately- she’s a babysitter not a nanny.
Lots of nannies bring their book to interview- photos and pictures of what they’ve done with their charges - baking / threading beads / etc. They are meant to be professional child carers and have a good concept of child development and age appropriate activities. They don’t just sit and stare at a child on the floor, whoever else is there.

Be honest is a nanny right for you? I’m not being unkind it’s just I am one. As it sounds to me like maybe nanny is twiddling her thumbs as granny is there and your there and both kids of course want mum over nanny etc.

Im an experienced nanny and I work well with parents working in and out of the home but I’m afraid the situation you have described tells me your not really going to ever trust this women to get on with it.

I would be asking her to imagine this scenario: she is sitting on the sofa looking at her phone. Two year old child approaches and grabs her cup of tea left on the low, accessible table. Child is scalded and screams. What is her next course of action?

Because, frankly, it will probably happen if she keeps doing it. It beggars belief that someone who is trained and experienced would place a cup full of hot liquid within easy reach of a toddler. I just can't fathom it. Even as a teenager totally unused to children, I put cups up high where they couldn't be knocked or grabbed. It's surely the most basic common sense?

I do think OP needs to back off and let the nanny do her job. Her DS will get used to nanny as the go-to person. But, I couldn't get past the hot drinks within reach and responsible adult on the phone thing. She'd have been out the door the second time she did that, and I'd have let her know how unacceptable I found it the first time.

Sack her, honestly.

It's the not playing with the toddler as much as the hot drinks everywhere.

It's her job to help your toddler transition, and i wouldn't leave a child that age with someone who didn't enjoy playing with children. It would be different (maybe) if he had a sibling old enough to play with him.

As a nanny, I find it concerning that she is not seeing the danger of this. I don't think I could trust her after you have already spoken about it. Why does anyone need 10 cups of tea anyway?!
I would look at getting another nanny. This could be serious for one of your children. I know of a little boy who was scalded down his back and arm, needing skin grafts because a childminder had left a cup of tea on top of a tea towel and he had pulled a boiling hot tea on himself.

You've had very good advice here. The main thing you need to do is to sit her down for a review, and be prepared for it to be a two way thing. Ask her for her advice re your son's clinginess and ask her what problems she is having with the job. Mention the drinks danger, and buy her a travel mug. I don't think you can ration her drinks, but you can say "Please make sure your drinks are always out of reach of the children".

Replace her. This is not going to work out. Better for all parties if you call it a day now. You have to have full confidence in your nanny when you go back to the office.