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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask the nanny not to have hot drinks whilst looking after the children?

296 replies

namechangedasouting · 03/05/2021 20:14

We have a new part time nanny, currently settling in with out just 2 year old and 5 month old. I'm not back to the office for a couple of months but am WFH part time (hopefully, I will soon be able to be WFH on the nanny days, but currently I'm around to help most of the time whilst she's here).

We're on week 3 now, and there a few things which are making me a bit uncomfortable. She is drinking a lot of tea/coffee (at least 10 cups a day) which in itself is fine, but she leaves them accessible to my toddler. They are piping hot (freshly boiled water), not left to cool before being brought into reach. More than once I've had to pull DS away from the table they are at and ask her to move the mug. She is finding time to sit with the drinks instead of making an effort to interact with DS. He is pretty unsettled (new nanny but also other stuff happening as well) so is understandably a bit clingy, but I do feel that if she got down on the floor and started playing he would join her.

How should I approach this? Would IBU to ask her not to have hot drinks at all whilst she is around the toddler and baby? I'm not a tea/coffee drinker so may be underestimating how big an ask this is. I feel like I need to address the safety issue urgently, but also the decision to sit with feet up and a hot drink rather than interacting with the kids (again, if it were a couple of times a day it would be different, but it's at least once an hour).

OP posts:

Startingagainperson · 03/05/2021 23:39

No I wouldn’t keep her on. If she doesn’t see the danger, she can’t be trusted to keep them safe. They are your kids, and you get the say. I wouldn’t care anyway if anyone else thought your were unreasonable OP, when it comes to your kids, you can be as cautious as you bloody like!

goldfinchfan · 03/05/2021 23:40

I would be inclined to trust your gut feelings about safety issues.
The mugs of boiling hot drinks is a no-no.
Surely an experienced Nanny would not take a risk,

I would talk to her about this, say you find it difficcult and then see how she responds.

If you are not comfortable then she is not the right person for the job.

These are your precious kids nd you need to feel that they are safe.

VaizyCrazyDaizy · 03/05/2021 23:43

She is there to do a job and should do it properly - maybe I am odd but I do not manage to get a drink all day at work, sip of water maybe. Ten hot drinks is excessive, lazy and irresponsible. When my kids were young I never served hot drinks to anyone in my house! Maybe a little over the top but I saw the effects of one cup of tea on toddlers in my student nurse days on a children’s ward and it just stuck horrifically in my brain forever. Get rid of her she sounds awful selfish.

Stompythedinosaur · 03/05/2021 23:44

It sounds like a really tricky set up - I honestly think you'd be better off leaving her to it. It is hard to criticise her when you arent really giving her a chance by being present all the time.

You'd be unreasonable to say no tea and coffee, but asking her to use a travel mug is OK.

Startingagainperson · 03/05/2021 23:45

I'm sure I'm an overanxious employer and that's probably a pain. but you aren’t employing her to update your spreadsheets are you, she’s looking after your young children. You can be as over anxious as you like!

There are plenty of parents who are less ‘careful’ with their kids, and more ‘laid back’ (I hate that expressions). But that’s their family. It’s not yours OP. I’d have her out the door to be honest. The older I’ve got, the more comfortable I’ve got about being the ‘over cautious’ parent. Now I just say that my quality of care is higher than others, if anyone tells me I’m ‘over’ anything! It is so weird really how having high safety standards is looked down upon by anyone.

You feel confident in yourself OP and your decisions. You don’t have to explain them to anyone as long as you are keeping your kids happy, healthy, safe and secure.

Startingagainperson · 03/05/2021 23:48

And also I’ve two family relations who were nannies / childminders. Both trained and one in a very reputable company.

Neither of them I’d trust with my own kids! So... trust your instincts!

Dugee · 03/05/2021 23:48

It's pretty unanimous. I wouldn't be happy about her leaving hot drinks in reach of the kids - as a nanny she should know this. Others have suggested good solutions such as a travel mug or a high shelf and as a nanny she should be doing this anyway.

I wouldn't be able to relax at work - I'd be wondering what else she was doing that would put them at risk. Hope she isn't in charge of bathing them.

KizzyMoo · 04/05/2021 00:03

I had time to make 2 cups of coffee and actually drink them at work last week and thought that was bliss as I never usually have time. How does she have time for so many drinks!

KizzyMoo · 04/05/2021 00:03

In the same day*

miltonj · 04/05/2021 00:03

She must be taking a lot of wee breaks too

RightYesButNo · 04/05/2021 00:08

Ah. Then, to be honest? Maybe this is valuable (though stressful). You’ve learned some good lessons about boundaries, so you can try a different tact with letting the next nanny get on with settling the children. And I say “the next nanny,” because yes, there is very much a p between you just being too attached versus if DS was actually reaching for the cup (I’m sure that’s given you a nightmare or two since it was that close, but try to let it go... and bin the nanny). I’m surprised she hasn’t had an accident already with previous charges! Maybe she doesn’t drink hot drinks when on her own with the children, BUT that’s not your lookout. Thisl really is a probation issue now - during probation, llllas a few others have mentioned, she should have been on her “best” behavior, and as you’re seeing for yourself, you’re never going to completely trust her now as a result.

I would tell her it isn’t working now so you have as much time as possible to find your next nanny, and then before she or he arrives, think about how you want to communicate boundaries from day 1.

YourWinter · 04/05/2021 00:10

Wow, I work part time in a supermarket and I get one 15 minute break which isn't long enough to make a hot drink and drink it before being back at my checkout. She is really taking the mickey, not engaging with the toddler, not realising the danger of hot drinks within his reach, but actually taking the time DURING HER SHIFT to make so many drinks, and drink them, and wash her cup? You need to let her go, this isn't going to get better and she's proved early on that she's not the right person for the job.

Derbee · 04/05/2021 00:10

New nanny. It’s too difficult to police the behaviour of someone with no common sense and affinity with children

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 04/05/2021 00:18

The nanny needs to go.

A great nanny, who actually cares about your kids, does not leave boiling hot drinks or other hazards around them. Nor do they take a tea break every hour or hang out on their phone.

Total bs that it’s harder when you are there. Yeh maybe you are an anxious or clingy parent. So what. A great nanny will still find ways to interact with the kids even with you around.

There are far better nannies. Get rid. Get a new one. Stick to your standards, don’t turn into mumzilla and don’t doubt yourself.

BluebirdHill · 04/05/2021 01:05

You'd be unreasonable to say no tea and coffee,

I'm amazed by the number of posts saying this, as if tea or coffee while you work is some kind of human rights issue. It isn't and plenty of work places don't allow it - just as many don't allow staff to have their phones on them, or wear certain clothes or whatever. People can choose to leave a job where they don't like the restrictions. I do think you've not helped by being around so much but you are allowed to say 'look, I just don't want you to do this anymore, and if that's beyond what you feel you can do, then let's part ways now'.

LaBellina · 04/05/2021 01:11

I’d find myself a new nanny.
Friend of mine still bears the scars on her arm at (52 years old) of a clumsy placed mug of tea when she was a toddler. Anyone with just a little bit of common sense would know to not leave a hot drink in reach of such young children. I would seriously be worried about her risk assessment skills. Don’t feel guilty to let her go because of this. She has already proven herself to be incompetent to do her job properly on a very basic level.

unvillage · 04/05/2021 02:30

I've read the whole thread. If you want a nanny, please trust her to care for your children. No wonder she's been anxious, with you hovering. It sounds like you haven't allowed her a moment alone with the chldren. She has left personal items because you are right there and she doesn't feel like she's in full control.

Go to work, or don't. At the moment neither one is getting the best of you. If you don't trust her, find someone else - but this is not about hot drinks. This is about you letting go.

GoldilocksAndTheThreePears · 04/05/2021 04:55

I was a nanny for many years, and I'll echo what others have said- nannying in a home with a parent or others constantly there, no boundaries, makes it incredibly difficult. I've worked in a house with a working from home parent and it was quite strict, dad was on top floor all day and popped down at lunch. It was routine and expected, and didn't undermine me or confuse the toddler.

The hot drinks is very different though. It should be common sense. For someone to be at a point where they need 10 or so hot drinks a day, even 5, they should know it's hot and can burn! I'd be wondering if there is common sense in other areas too, road safety etc. I've also never seen a nanny sit down with a hot drink or any drink unless the children are asleep or completely occupied. I did work in a house with one of those boiling water taps so making 10 drinks a day would be very quick but even so it's so much time!

Sparklingbrook · 04/05/2021 06:02

@BluebirdHill

You'd be unreasonable to say no tea and coffee,

Totally agree. I don’t get the obsession with having endless hot drinks all the time. I love a cup of tea on my break at work but that’s it. I didn’t realise being able to have a cuppa whenever you liked was so high up people’s dream job requirements.

Keepingitreal14 · 04/05/2021 06:13

I think YABU to ban them completely, YANBU to ask her not to leave them around your children and to use a travel cup.

You will probably find when your not around that she doesn’t have time to drink 10 cups a day!

It’s a tough one as I feel the trust may have gone but also feels like she is currently in ‘observing mode’. Mums still home with a clingy toddler and a breast fed baby. Doesn’t sound like she’s getting much of a look in.

I think it’s time for a full frank chat for both about how it’s working out (ask her opinion too, she might fess up that she can’t bond with the kids as you won’t let her). You need to agree to start leaving for at least a few hours each shift and she needs to step up and nanny. She may just feel like a spare part at the minute. If you still don’t feel comfortable then move on, find someone else.

Tumbleweed101 · 04/05/2021 06:26

Could you maybe discuss the hot drink concern and then go and leave her properly with just a nannycam to check in on? I find it difficult to fully interact with children while their parents are there and watching and the children behave differently too. With a nannycam you can still see what is going on but be out of the equation for the children.

Thehop · 04/05/2021 06:37

If nothing else please address the hot drink thing straight away. It shows an alarming lack of safety awareness. I’d be very concerned too.

Definitely buy a travel cup.

Though the feet up switched off approach would have her fired, personally.

SunshineCake · 04/05/2021 06:39

A good nanny can do her job even if the parent is there. They would have the confidence to be in charge and know it was down to them. She has to go because of the safety aspect. What else doesn't she know is dangerous.

cansu · 04/05/2021 06:53

Speak to her clearly about the hot drinks. Get her a travel mug to use in the kitchen. Be clear that she shouldn't have these drinks in reach when taking care of the kids.

I think though that you need to leave her alone to allow the kids to settle with her. It is pretty impossible to get a 2 year old to leave his mum alone and this is the clingiest age. You need to brace yourself for tears and go out for a while.

cookiecreampie · 04/05/2021 06:54

@CandyLeBonBon

I'm sorry *@osbertthesyrianhamster* did you mean to be that rude?

Wow, people actually use this pathetic little saying?

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