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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Blatant sibling favouritism and secrecy ....

165 replies

Margerine78 · 03/05/2021 08:39

After a week of tears and talking with friends and (other) family, members I'm pretty sure IANBU, this is more of a HTFDIDWT? (how the f**k do I deal with this?)

All my life I've rented damp, over priced flats, and struggled with money but managed all myself. The last 10 years I've been saving like mad, working 60+ hour weeks, 6 days a week, not holidaying for years, not spending anything, just rent, food and bills. Bleak life but desperate to buy a place but I can't save faster than prices are going up and have had anxiety and depression over it. I’m at an age where if I leave it any later I'll struggling to pay in back in time to have it for retirement. Plus I’m self-employed and single so everything is stacked against me. I don't share all of this with family so as to not worry them but a lot of it is pretty obvious. I work really hard, have all my life but not that well paid and always been single so no one to share the burden with, hence my situation.

My mum came into an inheritance a few years ago and told me she can't help me as she need to save it for private care. I was fine with this, I am not money grabbing, it's her money as far as I am concerned and if her keeping it makes her feel secure, then it made me happy.

However, last week I find out she gave my sister 10k to help her sell her second home, whilst I’m struggling to buy my first, and my sister was told not to tell me but did anyway (in an unpleasant gloating way). For content my sister married a well off older man, she lives in a 4 bedroom house which is nearly mortgage free (plus she has her own flat so two homes), they’re currently splashing out getting the loft converted, they’re saving for a luxury holiday which includes a 2k a night stay on a private island, they buy expensive antique furniture weekly, refuse to drink wine under £30 a bottle, she gets her hair, nails, eyebrows done regularly, buys new clothes all the time, has a flash car, does her shop in M&S (I'm Aldi all the way!)….both work full time, a 2-income household, both with really good pensions which I don’t have (I’m self employed).

I don’t expect more as I’m the struggling one but if my mum had money to spare I expect it to be equal.

Everyone I’ve spoken to has been quite shocked by this which has hammered home how messed up it is. It's the lies, secrecy and inequality from people who are meant to love me.

Its a Bank Holiday today and I’m working (as I always am). My sister will be sat her her extensive garden drinking fine wine. Every time I am stressed with work and every time my sister shows off about her wealth (which is always), it’s going to bring it back. Right now I don’t want to see either of them ever again but they’re family so really don’t want to feel this way.

Any advice / calming tips welcome.

OP posts:

AFS1 · 03/05/2021 08:41

That’s really nasty, and I’m sorry, OP.
I can’t offer calming tips because I would be absolutely livid in your position.

Have you tried speaking to your mum about it?

vivainsomnia · 03/05/2021 08:48

Could it have been a loan but your sister said it as she did to wind you up?

SwimBaby · 03/05/2021 08:49

That’s awful about the 10k OP and I can’t imagine not wanting to help my DC. I recently inherited 100k and have two thirds of towards a home for my DS.

motherloaded · 03/05/2021 08:58

It's horrible.

The circumstances are actually irrelevant as far as I am concerned, I cannot comprehend giving to one child and not the other - unless one or his family needs life-saving urgent treatment but that's the only time.

I honestly don't get it. So YANBU to be upset, especially as you are struggling.

Parents who make a judgment about their kids lifestyles are horrible in my book.

Original poster

Margerine78 · 03/05/2021 08:59

@AFS1, I did yeah and it made it much worse. I was hoping it would help but instead she told me how much my sister is struggling and how having to rent out her second home is such a burden (it was a real WTF moment), followed by a text from my Mum telling me not to tell the rest of the family my sister has the money as she doesn't want her upset further.

In other words, my sister knows the rest of the family think it's grossly unfair and she's money grabbing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Margerine78 · 03/05/2021 09:03

@vivainsomnia ..this is where the extra rage comes in, my sister said it was presented as a loan but then laughed in my face about how mum gave her thousands for her wedding and 'wrote it off' so she doubted she'd have to pay it back. My sister also went to my Dad (they're divorced) and got full amount for wedding from him, so she played them both!

Also, if my Mum had offered me a loan like that I could've saved so much money not renting I would've paid her back straight away - but no loan was offered. In fact I was told there was no spare money.

OP posts:

HoboSexualOnslow · 03/05/2021 09:05

I'd find it very hard to forgive my mum if she did this. Yes it's her money but I can't imagine watching my daughter struggle. It's quite cruel.

minisoksmakehardwork · 03/05/2021 09:09

Pop over to the 'we took you to stately homes' thread in relationships. They have very helpful advice on there.

I too have parents who have always treated me very differently from my sister. My sister and I are no contact now and I'm only just rebuilding bridges with my dad. Mum passed away last year. I actually think that helped in a way.

Original poster

Margerine78 · 03/05/2021 09:11

@HoboSexualOnslow, this is what I'm fearing, I'm so hurt by this I just know it'll be something I'll never fully get over. My other sister (not the money grabbing one) doesn't speak to my mum so part of me would feel awful not having her in my life when she's lost one daughter already, but then I'm annoyed at myself for worrying about how she feels when she's just crushed me and caused a huge rift between my other sister and I.

OP posts:

MargaretThursday · 03/05/2021 09:14

I understand you being upset and angry. It is unfair.

But would 10k have made a difference to you being able to buy? And if so, would your dm know that?

You obviously discussed her potentially giving some of the inheritance for buying a house, whether she brought it up or you did. So maybe if you'd said £10k loan would be enough she would have been happy for that. She may have thought that to make a difference to your situation she would need to give far more.

AOwlAOwlAOwl · 03/05/2021 09:15

I would go mad at my mum tbh and tell her some home truths.

What do you have to lose - she's hurt you badly, she doesn't think she's done anything wrong, that will always be on your mind every time you speak. I'd be done and tell her so.

I'm sorry OP.

Lobelia123 · 03/05/2021 09:18

You would not be causing 'a huge rift'. And theres obviously a reason your other sister is NC. I think its very damaging to your sense of self to allow yourself to be treated like this and just accept it. Tell them both to fuck off and walk away to a life where you are loved, appreciated and respected by everyone lucky enough to be in your circle. Let the golden child and the nasty enabling mother enjoy the poison of each others company.

lobsteroll · 03/05/2021 09:19

I completely understand why you feel hurt. It's very mean and your sister sounds vile.

Why doesn't your other sister speak to your mum?

SuddenArborealStop · 03/05/2021 09:21

My dad funded my sisters first car and kitchen.. I got nothing, I'm assuming my brother also got nothing but I'm not opening old wounds to ask.
I have come to terms with it as its in the past but if it happened now I'd have to confront it immediately.
I think he had spare cash when she hit those milestones and didn't once I got there. He also sees me as independent and capable and probably just assumed I'd do it myself. I did, but a little help would have been nice.
Anyway it hurt for a while but he's hurt me in many small ways over the years. I realise I can't change him I can only change my reactions to him, so I'm pleasant but don't have the relationship I have with my mother with him and its his loss.
My sister though never gloated and assumed we'd all get the same in turn so I hold nothing against her. If she was crowing about it I wouldn't be talking to her.

DrSbaitso · 03/05/2021 09:21

That is so strange.

MyGorramShip · 03/05/2021 09:25

Tell us more about why your other sibling is NC.

It sounds like an extremely toxic dynamic with a clear Golden Child.

I’m sorry OP, it really does suck.

Stillfunny · 03/05/2021 09:28

That is terrible. It does not matter at all what each of your financial situations are . To give quite a big sum to one daughter and not the other is awful. My sister and I had different needs at different times in our life , but never would my parents have treated one so much better with money than the other.
Your sister sounds like a bitch , too, gloating about it.
Maybe you and your other sister should just get together and leave them to each other.

JackieWeaverFever · 03/05/2021 09:29

Your mother is terrible.

I'd be telling the whole family.

And you should reduce contact right down.
Try and focus on yourself and spend more time woth people who care for you - your family are not nice and this isn't how they should behave.

MargosKaftan · 03/05/2021 09:31

OP - does your Mum know you know about the wedding loan that wasn't paid back, and does your mum know that your dad also gave your sister money, and so she kept your mums money but didn't need to spend it on the wedding?

In your situation, you should blow this open. Tell your mum about your sister's gloating about money for the wedding and money for the house, and that she's laughing that she won't need to repay it.

Tell everyone in your family about all of it, the money for your sister while you struggle, your sister taking money from both parents for the wedding and essentially profiting from it.

Let them feel the upset from others.

Your mum might not help you, but she's not a good parent and your sister is not a nice person, and you don't need to cover for them.

Original poster

Margerine78 · 03/05/2021 09:32

@MargaretThursday, I've never sat down with my mum and told her an exact amount I needed as she made it clear she had no money for me, and I didn't want to worry her or hint but 10k would be life changing for me...I know it's not much to some but I'm only after a tiny 1 bed place.

The deposit I need to save keeps going up by about 8k (plus) a year due to house prices rising, but due to me being in a rent trap and not earning a lot, that's like saving one-third of my yearly wage in effect and when I get there the amount of deposit I need goes up again - having a lump sum given to me like this would help me break this cycle of not being able to save fast enough.

Also my mum knows I've been saving for years, she knows I work silly hours and have had burn out so often, she knows I desperately want a place. She must know the only reason I've not bought yet is money. It's obvious to everyone else.

OP posts:

motherloaded · 03/05/2021 09:33

so part of me would feel awful not having her in my life when she's lost one daughter already,

you are too nice. Do what you feel is best for YOU, keep a relationship if it feels right for you, and YOU would suffer if you pretty much disappeared.
You can still keep some distance though.

You are not responsible for your parents, you owe you mum nothing at all. Litterally.

Cam2020 · 03/05/2021 09:34

It sounds awful, but it also sounds like you're quite private able your finances. Perhaps your sister simply just asked. How long ago does your mother say she couldn't help you? Perhaps she's relaxed or changed her mind since then? Perhaps able thinks if to needed help, you'd ask?

I'm not at all justifying their behaviour, just looking at it from another POV?

SecretSpAD · 03/05/2021 09:38

I could fill a thread with my tales of my toxic mother and the golden child (my brother). But instead I will just advise you to do what I wish I'd done - block them on all phones, social media. Cut them out of your life. Tell everyone what they did. Live your life for you and don't give them another thought.

RandomMess · 03/05/2021 09:41

Ditch your Mum and get in touch with your other sister.

How do you feel about moving away somewhere more affordable? Leave sister to look after your Mum in her old age?

Original poster

Margerine78 · 03/05/2021 09:44

@MargosKaftan, I did tell my Mum about the wedding money in the context that I would pay the money back had I been offered it, whereas my sister wouldn't (as she had form). My Mum made excuses for her, although when I told my Dad he was annoyed as he had no idea she had gone to both of them! (I actually told my Dad by accident, not to stir, I mentioned my sister talking about Mum writing off the wedding money and then he told me he had paid for it and had been played!)

I've told my mum about the way my sister told me about the money, and she flatly refuses to believe me. She thinks my sister told me about the money as she so honest and kind and that there was no gloating involved. I'm being treated like I'm the a**hoe in this whole scenario.

OP posts:

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