Blatant sibling favouritism and secrecy ....

[Margerine78]

After a week of tears and talking with friends and (other) family, members I'm pretty sure IANBU, this is more of a HTFDIDWT? (how the f**k do I deal with this?)

All my life I've rented damp, over priced flats, and struggled with money but managed all myself. The last 10 years I've been saving like mad, working 60+ hour weeks, 6 days a week, not holidaying for years, not spending anything, just rent, food and bills. Bleak life but desperate to buy a place but I can't save faster than prices are going up and have had anxiety and depression over it. I’m at an age where if I leave it any later I'll struggling to pay in back in time to have it for retirement. Plus I’m self-employed and single so everything is stacked against me. I don't share all of this with family so as to not worry them but a lot of it is pretty obvious. I work really hard, have all my life but not that well paid and always been single so no one to share the burden with, hence my situation.

My mum came into an inheritance a few years ago and told me she can't help me as she need to save it for private care. I was fine with this, I am not money grabbing, it's her money as far as I am concerned and if her keeping it makes her feel secure, then it made me happy.

However, last week I find out she gave my sister 10k to help her sell her second home, whilst I’m struggling to buy my first, and my sister was told not to tell me but did anyway (in an unpleasant gloating way). For content my sister married a well off older man, she lives in a 4 bedroom house which is nearly mortgage free (plus she has her own flat so two homes), they’re currently splashing out getting the loft converted, they’re saving for a luxury holiday which includes a 2k a night stay on a private island, they buy expensive antique furniture weekly, refuse to drink wine under £30 a bottle, she gets her hair, nails, eyebrows done regularly, buys new clothes all the time, has a flash car, does her shop in M&S (I'm Aldi all the way!)….both work full time, a 2-income household, both with really good pensions which I don’t have (I’m self employed).

I don’t expect more as I’m the struggling one but if my mum had money to spare I expect it to be equal.

Everyone I’ve spoken to has been quite shocked by this which has hammered home how messed up it is. It's the lies, secrecy and inequality from people who are meant to love me.

Its a Bank Holiday today and I’m working (as I always am). My sister will be sat her her extensive garden drinking fine wine. Every time I am stressed with work and every time my sister shows off about her wealth (which is always), it’s going to bring it back. Right now I don’t want to see either of them ever again but they’re family so really don’t want to feel this way.

Any advice / calming tips welcome.

@PegasusReturns

It’s not about the money. You know that. Your mum is not a nice person and I speak from experience when I say your life will improve tenfold if you restrict her access to it.

This, the blatant favouritism for one child over the others is one of the worst things any parent can do, it's hideous.

Your mother has lost one daughter already due to her actions. Why should you be the whipping boy?

I'd tell them all what I thought of them then walk away with my head up. Well done for all you've achieved and be sure to laugh in their face if they ask you for anything.

It is time to stop taking their shit and asking them to give you more.

[quote Margerine78]@beachsidecafe thank-you, I think LC and NC for mum and sister is the plan. Once the angry subsides, this will be good for my general mental health and wellbeing.

I have had everything out with my Mum, told her everything my sister has, all I've gone without, told her I think it's grossly unfair and I'm deeply hurt. Her response was to gaslight me by trying to convince me my sister was struggling - even when I mentioned her mortgage free 4-bed house, two big salaries and pensions, luxury holiday fund in the thousands etc - she wasn't having it. It verged on bizarre. Second response was to blame me for not telling her exact amount I needed. As my mother she could've sat me down and offered me the amount she gave my sister for starters, or insisted I tell her how short I am. She's just not bothered to do that as she didn't care. This is why I've seen the narcissism and I can't un-see it now. No apology, no taking responsibility for the mistake of giving to one and not the other. No personal responsibility. It's all my fault apparently.

The money upset me but my hurt is tenfold due to the piss-poor way my mum than dealt with it.[/quote]
I think I'd probably just tell her that - while you don't expect money from her, based rather on her general attitude you will follow your other sister into reducing contact.

Yes, it's hard to unsee the narcissism.

My mother has spent the last year acting like the victim of me because i have not respected her right to be hurtful. I will not say sorry for calling her out on hurting me.
I have the clarity to know now, she doesnt care about hurting me. This is hard to accept but that is what the evidence tells me.

Could you not ask your dad or mother for a loan? It sounds like a loan and she's winding you up.

sorry you are going through this OP. I come from a toxic family so i understand

I feel your anger my "wonderful" mother gave her 3 DC'S 5000K each when my dad died, I had no idea until my SIL told me 🤔. She had no idea I had been left out very embarrassing for her, I told her to forget it
My stepmother disliked me as I was in my dad's previous life.
Good luck OP, I think evil thoughts about her now, RIP you old bitch, I hope not.

It is good that you have been totally honest and frank with your mother already, and she has not accepted her responsibility at all for causing such hurt. She has been given the chance to put things right (she could ask your sister to repay the money, could give you 10k or other actions) and she has chosen to do nothing. That speaks volumes. She can see how distressed you are about it, and ignores it.

So you don't need to say anything else just walk away from both. Don't reply to texts, don't answer calls, if you see her wave and say hi, be civil but keep walking. No more walks, no more visits. Nothing. Visit your Dad instead, and see your older sister for walks. Pour your time into your plan to buy a place. Give them no further thought.

If she is happy to do this to you, and you have told her how quite clearly how upset you are, there is nothing more you can do.

If your family ask, tell the truth in very neutral tones, do not lie. Of course this will continue to hurt for a while, but as time passes it will fade. You only have to be the black sheep if you choose to be. You can break free and be a pink sheep!

For those of us that have been there, she will do her level best to get you back running around her, resist at all costs.

I am sorry it causes so much pain, but in the long run I think you will be far better off without them.

I'm sorry this is happening and you don't think it's fair.
However I do think it's important you remove yourself from this situation if you don't like it. You're not obligated to be an active part of the family if you feel you're not being treat fairly.

But also I really think it's not fair to expect your mum to treat you all equal financially now you're adults. Your mums money is hers, she inherited it and she chooses what to do with it, she shouldn't be made to feel like she has to split it between children or even tell you what she does with it, it's her money.
My mum bought my younger sister a car, paid a deposit on a house for her, bought all her furniture and paid for the garden to be completely redone, she's also paying a lot towards her wedding and has gifted her and her fiance a honeymoon in New York.
I've never had a penny off my mum and I've struggled for years. My mum knows this.
I'm actually closer to my mum than my sister, I've never asked for money and never expected it. My younger sister only sees my mum when she wants money. If we go out for a family meal my mum will pay for my sister and her fiances meal and not offer to pay for mine.
The thing is I don't really care. My mum isn't responsible for me now and I don't automatically think to go to her if I have money troubles, she's my mum and I want her to be there as my mum, not as my bank. I don't feel bitter my sister gets everything because I have never believed my mum has any obligation to me in that way, she raised me and paid for me for 18 years and after that it's my turn to sort myself out. I'm sure if I asked she would give me something but we've never done that. She's seen me struggling and never offered and I've never asked.
I actually enjoy going shopping with my mum and buying her a new pair of shoes or breakfast because it shows her that she's not an ATM to her children, that I don't look to her for money like my sister does.

Ultimately I think if you don't like what's happening you need to step back from the situation. But your mums money is hers and she has no reason to explain herself to anyone on who she gives it to.

Horrendous OP.

I would seriously consider going NC with your mum and sister.

Your mum has treated you so badly and your sister sounds a really horrible person. Your sister could also help you financially or emotionally but instead she is gloating about her own life. This is not the behaviour of a loving sibling.

Is there any way she can get the 10k back and give it to you?

When I moved out I became independent and never had or expected a penny off my parents, I made my own financial decisions and didn't live beyond my means.

The big difference here is your mum is not only financing your sisters lifestyle while you are clearly struggling, but colluding with her to hide it because she knows it is wrong. Add to that your sister is telling you to make you feel shit.

My other sister (not the money grabbing one) doesn't speak to my mum so part of me would feel awful not having her in my life when she's lost one daughter already

I assume your mum hasn't "lost" a daughter, she destroyed her relationship with her too through her own actions. For your own sake, you cannot trust either your dm or the money grabbing sister, so maybe you need to take a leaf out your other sisters book. They will keep treating you like this as long as you let them.

I have a friend who wishes she had done this years ago. When her mum died she left her entire estate to a favoured sibling, by then it was too late tell her mum how shit she had made her feel and get the answers she felt she needed.

You’re not unreasonable to be deeply hurt about this.

Can you have a serious conversation with your mother - not about the money as such, but about the favouritism? And be quite rational. Try not to do the emotional blackmail thing of how hurt you are. Just ask her for her reasoning. Gently. Get her to realise how hurtfully she’s behaved.

Maybe your mother assumes that as you rarely speak about your struggles, you don’t need help?

Sometimes people need to feel needed in order to be generous. But sympathy to you it’s a really hurtful thing to learn.

This is shocking OP. Truly shocking.
Sorry to hear that you have a complete bitch for a mother and a sister who is a chip off the old block.

I think it would be a good idea to print out your post and send it to your mum she might then realise how very unfair she has been.

I had it out with my parents op as well, and it is quite liberating.

When one exposes the truth, when it is said out loud it becomes much more potent and undeniable. I was able to move on once I said my piece, and that I no longer wanted to be involved. I deserved to be loved in the same way as my brother. I should be respected and treated equally. Of course they didn't change, and were never going to. I am prepared to be left nothing, I am prepared for any eventuality now. But actually speaking about it blew their cover of being 'a nice family' and now won't allow for any of them to pretend they are fair, kind and decent parents.

I felt sick for a few weeks after, I felt a kind of bereavement for the parents I felt I should have had, I felt sorry for the little girl always forced to stand by and watch her brother get the love, attention and treats lavished on him. The outlier that she didn't want to be. However it has made me incredibly strong, resilient and independent, and I have her shitty behaviour to thank for that.

My mother made no secret at all that my brother was her favourite child, she would openly talk about it to me, my father and family friends. It was very well known, and not even questioned. Over the years she has given him tens of thousands of pounds secretly. He has a gambling habit. She pretends it doesn't matter, because he can't help it apparently

I took drastic action as a young person and moved overseas for ten years, and in that time I learnt how to manage my life without them. I came back, and have never looked back. I don't go to them for anything now, I don't discuss my feelings with them. And during the lockdown my brother didn't call my parents once with an offer of help, I think my mother was surprised and hurt, and now wondering what she will do in old age. I live five hours away, and don't plan to move. You reap what you sow.

I have a tremendous group of friends, my dh family are super lovely and creating a support network will be a number one priority. Find someone else to confide in, to talk to, someone that will always be there for you.

You can be happy, really you can and content. LC works brilliantly for me, and I feel no obligation to see them/do anything for them. I am free.

You reap what you sow.

You certainly do.

I’m sorry for you I know this pain. I have the same in my family both of my sisters are favourites of other people, one is my mother’s favourite and the other my grandmothers partner’s favourite...which is absolutely sickening he’s a man in his 80s the (ex) sister in her 50s. Her two older boys are shoved out and her youngest is a ruined golden child by her and the old man so it’s rife and they flaunt it. It’s not so much about the money it’s the blatant favouritism it’s so damaging.
Please try and limit your time with them, the less you hear and see the disgusting behaviour the less it will damage your peace of mind. My ex sister is dead to me now having put two of her kids what our own mother put us through and I feel so much more at peace.

Its a Bank Holiday today and I’m working (as I always am). My sister will be sat her her extensive garden drinking fine wine.

Praying for rain in her neck of the woods! Horrible situation though.

You sound lovely, your mum and sister can have each other. Reconnect with your other sister and spend time with them and your dad, there’s a reason he divorced.

Make it clear in your head now that you will not get involved in any of your mums care. Don’t see her once every few weeks as you feel sorry for her having no one, she has golden child. We’ve made the decision we will not help with in-laws care after the way they treated us and held money over us. We are LC with them, would go NC but intertwined with other family that we like and don’t know what’s happened.

Well I think you've seen the light now. Focus on the rest of your family and don't whitewash what your mum and sister have done. Be honest and open about it, because you can bet they will be telling their own dishonest version. Better to have your version out there.

Why would you want to stay in contact with 'family' like this? Your sister is a waste of space and your mother not much better. I would be cutting myself off from the pair of them and focusing on my own future. When your sister has rinsed out the money your mum has intended for her care then who do you think she will come running too to take care of her in her old age? You sound like you have enough on your plate, stop letting them treat you this way. Ditch them, as hard as it may be and you will feel all the better for it.

Hi op

Sorry your having a crap time

But there's something I really feel I need to ask and I want it to come out as gently as possible to you .

You say you are self employed and have been struggling for years now, every time you think you are close the goalposts move . You have no pension and no real security .

Is there a point where you can look back and maybe see if your plan is actually working for you ? Is you business really working and supporting you as it should , or could it be a habit or vanity project ?

Could you earn more and be more secure in paid employment, that also could gain you a small pension at retirement .

It seems a possible radical overhaul is warranted, if not thought about, you sound like you are bashing your head against the same brick wall, maybe it's time to dismantle it and build it anew?

Its not really about the money more is it?, Its the hurt that your dm has caused you and the refusal to say sorry and make any attempt to make it right, Its almost a feeling of having love denied you by your parent, it must be so very painful I would be very LC with her now, you have to protect yourself, love yourself, you are worthy of a great deal better treatment.
As to your sister, i would go NC, she sounds horrible, why bother with someone you wouldnt want to make friends with just because of DNA?, sod her!

Nothing really to add as there's been some good advice on here, but I've been treated similarly by my family - sibling has had uni fees paid, free board and lodging for about 5 years, and a deposit on a house adding up to about £45-50k, while I've had a loan of £5k that I had to repay within a year.

The feeling of being treated unequally is horrible, it can really affect your self-worth. I completely get you. They're happy to let her relax and have a nice life while you need to graft. I'm now low contact with them all but it still hurts deeply.