Blatant sibling favouritism and secrecy ....

[Margerine78]

After a week of tears and talking with friends and (other) family, members I'm pretty sure IANBU, this is more of a HTFDIDWT? (how the f**k do I deal with this?)

All my life I've rented damp, over priced flats, and struggled with money but managed all myself. The last 10 years I've been saving like mad, working 60+ hour weeks, 6 days a week, not holidaying for years, not spending anything, just rent, food and bills. Bleak life but desperate to buy a place but I can't save faster than prices are going up and have had anxiety and depression over it. I’m at an age where if I leave it any later I'll struggling to pay in back in time to have it for retirement. Plus I’m self-employed and single so everything is stacked against me. I don't share all of this with family so as to not worry them but a lot of it is pretty obvious. I work really hard, have all my life but not that well paid and always been single so no one to share the burden with, hence my situation.

My mum came into an inheritance a few years ago and told me she can't help me as she need to save it for private care. I was fine with this, I am not money grabbing, it's her money as far as I am concerned and if her keeping it makes her feel secure, then it made me happy.

However, last week I find out she gave my sister 10k to help her sell her second home, whilst I’m struggling to buy my first, and my sister was told not to tell me but did anyway (in an unpleasant gloating way). For content my sister married a well off older man, she lives in a 4 bedroom house which is nearly mortgage free (plus she has her own flat so two homes), they’re currently splashing out getting the loft converted, they’re saving for a luxury holiday which includes a 2k a night stay on a private island, they buy expensive antique furniture weekly, refuse to drink wine under £30 a bottle, she gets her hair, nails, eyebrows done regularly, buys new clothes all the time, has a flash car, does her shop in M&S (I'm Aldi all the way!)….both work full time, a 2-income household, both with really good pensions which I don’t have (I’m self employed).

I don’t expect more as I’m the struggling one but if my mum had money to spare I expect it to be equal.

Everyone I’ve spoken to has been quite shocked by this which has hammered home how messed up it is. It's the lies, secrecy and inequality from people who are meant to love me.

Its a Bank Holiday today and I’m working (as I always am). My sister will be sat her her extensive garden drinking fine wine. Every time I am stressed with work and every time my sister shows off about her wealth (which is always), it’s going to bring it back. Right now I don’t want to see either of them ever again but they’re family so really don’t want to feel this way.

Any advice / calming tips welcome.

@Margerine78 could you look at part buy part rent? I know its still rent but it is much much cheaper and you'll get equity from the buy part. Plus you can slowly buy more and more bits from the property 10% each time to eventually own your own place. You won't need a huge deposit.

Your mother is a disgrace !

I agree.
I couldn't imagine doing that to my children.

@Sitchervice, I wanted to own a place outright as it's kind of a security thing for me as my pension will be tiny. I want to be able to release equity from it and I'll get more equity if I own a place outright - plus I'm going for a really small one-bedroom place. I can afford the mortgage fine once I have the deposit, the deposit has just been so hard to get together with rent being so much and then Covid hitting. I'm getting there finally, it's just having struggled for so many years the news of my sisters 10k is a kick in the teeth as you can imagine.

Is your money in one of these ISA accounts where you get 25% bonus from the government to help buy?

I’d tell all the family.

And step right back from both bitch sister and toxic mother.

One of your sister is NC with your mother and is not feel sorry for your mother, it’s her own fault her DC feel they need to remove themselves from her in order to live happy lives.

Why on earth put yourself out for someone who is so callous to you?

Your mother can now pay her golden child to go on walks with her.

I have this with my parents OP, my “D”B (fucking arsehole) is the golden child. He’s just had £45k off them to buy a house. They then have also purchased his furniture, paid for the garden to be done etc.

Me and my DC got not a penny.

I’m happy to not have anything, but it should be fair. Brother has always been golden child who can do no wrong. They constantly pick at me “oh you aren’t buying soon” tinkly laugh always digging at me for renting etc (were same position as stuck in a rent trap and now we have kids there’s no chance)

Like you, I’ve always worked hard, been independent etc. Brother is a lazy fucker who moans about his part time hours 🙄

@BluebellsGreenbells

Is your money in one of these ISA accounts where you get 25% bonus from the government to help buy?

She can’t get a life time ISA as she’s over 40 unfortunately.

I don’t think they were a thing till a couple of years go either.

Look at interest only, or buy to let to generate income for deposit. I bought 2 bed and rented one out, it was hard but better in the end. Could you buy with a friend?

@BluebellsGreenbells yep, been doing everything right for years, I just don't earn enough to save at the speed houses are rising

That is so hurtful. I couldn't press you are not being unreasonable quick enough.

Your mum knew it was a hurtful unfair thing to do but she did it anyway

I just don't know how you can participate in that family drama without eroding yourself in the process.

As others have said, I'd be going low or no contact but I'd also explain my reasons. Not justify, explain.

Personally, I don't have time for the 'they're family' argument if said people aren't decent human beings. It's not selfish to put yourself first when it's about true self-preservation for your own mental health.

I was estranged from one parent for 15 years. We are back in contact but, frankly, it's more like meeting up with a distant elderly relative than my parent. I've learnt to accept that it will never be the relationship I would want as I can only control my reaction to them not what they do. I expect nothing from them - which is good because I get nothing!

[quote Margerine78]@HoboSexualOnslow, this is what I'm fearing, I'm so hurt by this I just know it'll be something I'll never fully get over. My other sister (not the money grabbing one) doesn't speak to my mum so part of me would feel awful not having her in my life when she's lost one daughter already, but then I'm annoyed at myself for worrying about how she feels when she's just crushed me and caused a huge rift between my other sister and I.[/quote]
I was reading this feeling so sad for you and not sure what to advise, and then read you have another sister who doesn’t talk to your mum, and was so relieved. THERE is your path. Get hold of that sister - can you??? She is your ally and your family. Get her to help you go NC with your mum and nasty sister, and build a future as each other’s support. Your mum will keep hurting you so you need to cut her off - do you think you can turn to your sister to help you?

Honestly you need to go LC with your mum and NC with your sister. It sounds all very toxic. Your sister can help your mum in her old age, being the favourite and all.

Margerine78, just remove yourself from the sphere of your mum and the favoured sister, they bring nothing positive to your life. Embrace and put your time and energy into your dad and your other sibling, they are your family, they are the ones who will support and help you.

Don't feel guilty nor allow yourself to be guilt-tripped into helping out when/if your mother needs care and help in her later years, leave the favoured one to do it.

I fell so sorry for you.
I was only thinking this morning of the inequality I received from both my parents and PiLs. Favourite sisters received much more assistance and in one case £100k or so 'loans'.
Utterly un equal. painfully so.
All the relations have been gone at least 15 years but it still hurts.

It is very important you tell your mother why though op, otherwise they will between them try to blame you for this. Tell her exactly the reasons why you are hurt, and can't continue your relationship as before. That it is no longer acceptable for you to constantly feel second best to your little sister, and that the money given to her is grossly unfair.

What your mother decides to do with that information is up to her, but she can not hide the truth any longer.

It is a form of abuse op. A bullying, manipulative and nasty game that they are playing, and you are not allowed to tell the rest of the family! It is really awful.

Tell everyone the truth, and all of the other times this has happened before, and tell them you have had enough.

Going no contact is very hard for most people, but low contact is very doable and doesn't give her a reason to make you into the bad guy. It allows you to distance yourself from them, without the pain of the loss that comes from NC.

Try to be proud of the struggles you have overcome, the fact you are on the cusp of buying your own place and you have done it all on your own. And whilst your sister may sit in the garden drinking fine wine your mother paid for, where is the accomplishment in that?

Your little place when it comes will be yours, and yours to keep. I hope you will find good friendships to surround yourself with, and as you build up a layer of insulation and love, you will find that you will care less and less, and it won't matter as much to you. It will give you the strength to remain strong and emotionally independent.

I suspect your mother thinks you will always be around, and she doesn't need to try with you. It is imperative that you stay strong and do not rush to save her/keep her company/ take her to a hospital app. It is not longer your problem to be her fall guy. No doubt when she realises you mean every word she will try and reel you back in. It is toxic.

Be ready to step back and mean it, and don't ever go back to being there for either of them.
They were happy to screw you over and rub your face in it, they are not worthy of your time or love. You sound like a lovely person anyone, and I am sorry they have not appreciated or looked after you. Now is the time to be there for you, you don't need them, look how far you have come without them

I'm glad your dad is going to help you buy a place. I really hope that you manage it. Fingers crossed.

This thread and the thread from the woman waiting from a phone call from her mother (after her mother blew her off on her birthday because her brother was coming over) convince me that parents aren't capable of being fair just because they're adults. They perpetuate a system that makes them feel the family is healthier than it really is.

OP could you write a email or letter include every member of your family and their partners.Tell /get into the open everything. Spare no detail .
Yes it will kick off BUT everyone will see what your mum /sister are really like .
Wont solve your money worries I'm afraid but you will feel better and then either go no or low contact with them .trust me they will need you before you need them. I know this as I have done this with over half my family including parents .After years of crap I finally decided my mental health is more important than their feelings .

You say you worry you can't get over it, you don't have to get over it (as in just shrug over it). This can be your turning point.
I had my own wake up and smell the coffee moment. It was something I just couldn't get over as well. It's for the best.

Be glad you have a lovely sister waiting in the wings, who already knows what your mother is like, and your Dad. You still have family op, thats the main thing. You will still have lots of support, just redirect everything now towards them, and leave the rotters to it. Your little sister will soon feel the weight of your departure, and the pressure to start doing things for your mother instead, that should be interesting.

Good luck.

Go low contact, put both their numbers on straight to voicemail and only respond when you & if you're ready. Don't tell them you're phasing them out, just slowly do it anyway.

Don't provide any care or run any errands for your mum when she's older, direct her to your sister.

Think about relocating to a cheaper part of the country to get on the housing ladder quicker. If you're under 40, can you open a Lifetime ISA to help you save to go on the housing ladder?

It stings seeing the inequality but make a plan to improve your life on your own terms. Consider getting a 2/3 day job and self employed the rest of the week this way you get a guaranteed income from the permanent job. Obviously it depends on what you do but explore all avenues to improve your earnings. Work smarter rather than longer hours.

I would definitely not go round telling the family about your situation - no way.

It will make you look the bad person, bitter and jealous about money, no a good look and your reputation with family members will be trashed.

I would just quietly walk away from the pair of them, no grand gesture or explanation. Get on with your life, make plans, re-claim control and peace of mind which is far more valuable than £10K. Yes it will sting for a while but then you'll become stronger and stronger when you think you never have to be subjected to their vile behaviour ever again.

OP, I sympathise. It sounds like a distressing situation. I wish there were some advice I could offer or a magic wand to wave to help.

It’s not about the money. You know that. Your mum is not a nice person and I speak from experience when I say your life will improve tenfold if you restrict her access to it.

@beachsidecafe thank-you, I think LC and NC for mum and sister is the plan. Once the angry subsides, this will be good for my general mental health and wellbeing.

I have had everything out with my Mum, told her everything my sister has, all I've gone without, told her I think it's grossly unfair and I'm deeply hurt. Her response was to gaslight me by trying to convince me my sister was struggling - even when I mentioned her mortgage free 4-bed house, two big salaries and pensions, luxury holiday fund in the thousands etc - she wasn't having it. It verged on bizarre. Second response was to blame me for not telling her exact amount I needed. As my mother she could've sat me down and offered me the amount she gave my sister for starters, or insisted I tell her how short I am. She's just not bothered to do that as she didn't care. This is why I've seen the narcissism and I can't un-see it now. No apology, no taking responsibility for the mistake of giving to one and not the other. No personal responsibility. It's all my fault apparently.

The money upset me but my hurt is tenfold due to the piss-poor way my mum than dealt with it.