Blatant sibling favouritism and secrecy ....

[Margerine78]

After a week of tears and talking with friends and (other) family, members I'm pretty sure IANBU, this is more of a HTFDIDWT? (how the f**k do I deal with this?)

All my life I've rented damp, over priced flats, and struggled with money but managed all myself. The last 10 years I've been saving like mad, working 60+ hour weeks, 6 days a week, not holidaying for years, not spending anything, just rent, food and bills. Bleak life but desperate to buy a place but I can't save faster than prices are going up and have had anxiety and depression over it. I’m at an age where if I leave it any later I'll struggling to pay in back in time to have it for retirement. Plus I’m self-employed and single so everything is stacked against me. I don't share all of this with family so as to not worry them but a lot of it is pretty obvious. I work really hard, have all my life but not that well paid and always been single so no one to share the burden with, hence my situation.

My mum came into an inheritance a few years ago and told me she can't help me as she need to save it for private care. I was fine with this, I am not money grabbing, it's her money as far as I am concerned and if her keeping it makes her feel secure, then it made me happy.

However, last week I find out she gave my sister 10k to help her sell her second home, whilst I’m struggling to buy my first, and my sister was told not to tell me but did anyway (in an unpleasant gloating way). For content my sister married a well off older man, she lives in a 4 bedroom house which is nearly mortgage free (plus she has her own flat so two homes), they’re currently splashing out getting the loft converted, they’re saving for a luxury holiday which includes a 2k a night stay on a private island, they buy expensive antique furniture weekly, refuse to drink wine under £30 a bottle, she gets her hair, nails, eyebrows done regularly, buys new clothes all the time, has a flash car, does her shop in M&S (I'm Aldi all the way!)….both work full time, a 2-income household, both with really good pensions which I don’t have (I’m self employed).

I don’t expect more as I’m the struggling one but if my mum had money to spare I expect it to be equal.

Everyone I’ve spoken to has been quite shocked by this which has hammered home how messed up it is. It's the lies, secrecy and inequality from people who are meant to love me.

Its a Bank Holiday today and I’m working (as I always am). My sister will be sat her her extensive garden drinking fine wine. Every time I am stressed with work and every time my sister shows off about her wealth (which is always), it’s going to bring it back. Right now I don’t want to see either of them ever again but they’re family so really don’t want to feel this way.

Any advice / calming tips welcome.

Your mum knows you are trying to buy and knows she has done you a dirty.

This is interesting
My other sister (not the money grabbing one) doesn't speak to my mum so part of me would feel awful not having her in my life when she's lost one daughter already

1. That your other sister has clearly wised up to her.
2. That you care so much about her feelings when your mother doesnt give a shiny shit about your feelings.

Are you close to your other sister?
It may be worth talking to her / reconnecting.

Separately have you looked at lodging. It can be much cheaper than private ne bed or studio rental
I rented a really big/nice second bedroom for 650pm in zone 3 london bills internet council tax all in (This was 2 /3 years ago)
It may help you save faster / close the price gap to buy also it can be nice company.

Ditch your Mum and get in touch with your other sister.

Yep. What a pair of absolute wankers. So sorry OP

@SuddenArborealStop, sorry you went through it to, it's such an awful feeling isn't it. It sounds dramatic but I've felt heartbroken this week, betrayed, angry, bitter (which I hate as I'm not a bitter person). Also, I have this sinking horrible feeling that independent people like you and I who don't take and try to manage and work hard always get overlooked and the takers continue to get ahead and have the easy ride. It's a bit of crap life lesson.

Sounds like your sister is your Mums Golden Child.

Leave them to it.

Would your Dad be able to help with a loan or being a guarantor on a mortgage?

* I'd find it very hard to forgive my mum if she did this. Yes it's her money but I can't imagine watching my daughter struggle. It's quite cruel.*

^This. Your sister is nasty, your mum is very cruel

It is a shame your mum wants to save her inheritance for private care - for most people there is little difference for the person between private care and that paid for by the state - a care home place will be £800-£1000+ per week and once that is almost spent the state takes over. Care in the home runs in a similar way - same agency organises the care. The few private only care schemes - you are talking Megabucks.
Trouble is you have to be very careful about giving money away once you approach needing care so perhaps she is worried about doing that.
DSis sounds a complete PITA and one to be avoided

@JackieWeaverFever, I did share houses with friends for years in London, I could never afford to rent a place on my own, then I moved home (Westcountry) and the cost of a small flat was half the cost of a room in London so I do rent my own place now. it's manageable, it's just hard to save a wad of cash a year whilst paying for rent, bills, food. Like most people none of my outgoings are huge in themselves, it just adds up.

Taking a different spin on this, as you can obviously see how awful your mum and sister are, with the stamp duty changes at the minute and some banks offering up to 90/95% mortgages, could you not get one with these changes?

As an aside have you looked at shared ownership ?

But yes I agree your mother has been very unfair.

Your relationship can never be the same again .

@RandomMess, I had a mini break-down this week, thought I'd never have any security and was in floods of tears and my Dad offered to help me. He has before to be fair but I'm independent but this time he insisted and I accepted. He's saved me from a world of worry, I've just got to work out what to do with the uncaring side of the family now!

I'm so pissed on your behalf.

I would have sat down with my DC and looked if we could have made it as a loan, how it would work etc.

So glad your Dad has come though!!!

For now I would distance yourself and cool thing and drift away. Hopefully they won't notice as you don't need the drama. Ultimately you could go NC but you may find LC works for you.

Do NOT feel guilty or responsible for your DM feelings she has been utterly heartless over yours.

@PurpleMustang I'm a first time buyer and looking for a very small basic cheap flat so stamp duty I wouldn't pay. The problem is my age (44), I'm self-employed and single so I'm high risk for lenders so I need a big deposit. I've spoken to a mortgage advisor who suggested getting 20% but the 20% keeps going up as houses go up faster than I can physically save. I'm on my way now to getting there but the issue I think is more historic, I've struggled for years and this 'loan' offer was never offered to me. My mum's had inheritance for over 5 years now. Also she saw me go through immense worry in lockdown as I nearly lost my business due it it. I'm self-employed in an industry heavily affected.

OP, why don’t you want to say why your other sister doesn’t talk to your mum?

There is clearly a pattern here and one of her children has already cut her off and now it seems obvious that cutting her off is probably your best option as wel…

I would walk away from both of them. Keep contact to a minimum.. And if /when dm needs any help she can ask The Golden Child. And you can say no guilt free.

You need to separate out the issues.

Firstly your own personal struggle to buy a property is a separate issue to your sister marrying a wealthy man and sipping fine wine etc.

They are unrelated. Owning a property is your dream. You chose to make those sacrifices, work all the hours etc and she is not to blame for your inability to achieve this.

It’s important to separate your feelings about your circumstances verses hers. Otherwise you risk looking bitter or jealous when in fact you have a very valid reason to be feeling hurt and upset right now.

The money from your mother is a different issue. YANBU to be deeply hurt by the deceit. The inequality. To mourn the impact that would have made to your life.

That is something I would find very hard to forgive. Your mother is responsible for her own actions. She gave your sister the money. She lied to you. She saw your struggle and chose to ignore it. She is siding with your sister now because she knows your sister will defend her.

In all honesty I’d wash my hand of both of them because life is too short for this hurt. These people are supposed to be the ones who support you in life, who have your back, who are there for you. In reality they are the ones dragging you down. Causing you pain and misery.

I would tell your mum that you are going to have a real from her and your sister because you are so hurt and need time to come to terms with the way she has favoured one of you so much and that you feel incredibly let down. If it's easier email or text and then I would honestly just take some time to process all of this. I'd feel exactly the same as you so I think your mum thinks she can get away with it but if you show how deeply it's affected you she might actually listen. Your sister sounds like an idiot too.

Break not real!

Totally unnecessary. Maybe your sister asked for the money whereas you do not. Maybe it was a loan and she’s just rubbing your face in it to be a cow. I have been ‘left out’ from financial gain from my parents all my life. And their time. And their affection. And their emotional and physical support. It’s sucks. It’s outrageously unfair as I struggled to get where I got , following the ‘rules’ etc. Siblings got pregnant young, ran up loans and credit cards. Went crying to banks and got most of it written off and paid back a tiny portion. Constantly being bailed out by parents. Luckily I did what I did for me, not expecting help. I know when it comes to inheritance they’re already quids in anyway... it’s unfair but alas none of our business what they get up to. Hold your head high, try to accept ( although it really really stings) that you can’t control them in any way, and get in with being successful and revel in the fact that you did it by yourself. You go girl!

I’m in a similar position Op. My mum bought my sister her first home in secret while I was struggling with rent. I hate myself for feeling so bitter about it but I’m so hurt, I can’t see how I’ll ever get past it.

@OnlyInYourDreams I feel bad talking about it as its her business and a long story which goes back to my parents divorce, but in short my other sister feels she's a crap mum. Self-servicing and a narcissist. Not maternal.

The fact she claims to have not known I've been in the s**t for years when I'm always broke, always working 60+ hour weeks, always burnt out is telling. Everyone else knew my situation.

OP I'd move away from toxic family. Head up north and get yourself a wee property.

@Victra, I'm so sorry, that's awful. If I won the lottery tomorrow, I would give all my family the same amount as a gift than keep spare back if people needed more thereafter, but I'd be really transparent about how the money was there for everyone. I don't get why parents think this is unacceptable, it's the kind of thing that breaks families up and make people feel like crap for their entire life.

@Hankunamatata a couple of my best mates live up North, I do love it there...;)

I'm so sorry you are also going through this, OP.

You can't repair your relationship with your mother, you can only either accept her the way she is, or walk away. There is no happy ending there (this is actually quite freeing once you truly accept it- you will never get the happy and mutually supportive relationship you want, since whatever you do will be wrong, so you might as well do what gives you the most peace/happiness). Your mother and sister can't be what you want them to be, it just isn't in them.

You have one good parents, concentrate on that relationship. Your mother didn't lose a daughter, by the way, she drove one away. Your health is clearly suffering already (mental if not physical), cut your losses now.

My parents sound very similar to your mother. They always made a huge fuss about treating us all equally, but if that were true I would have driving lessons, a car, two horses and 5 years of car insurance to show for it. Instead I was manipulated into working in their businesses for free for ten years. When they sold up to retire my sister got a lovely holiday and I got moaned at because I hadn't done more for them. I'm done now and we have no relationship at all. The hard part is letting go of the idea that there is something you can do to make them be nicer to you. Once you let go of that and accept that the real problem lies with them, then the rest is much easier.