Blatant sibling favouritism and secrecy ....

[Margerine78]

After a week of tears and talking with friends and (other) family, members I'm pretty sure IANBU, this is more of a HTFDIDWT? (how the f**k do I deal with this?)

All my life I've rented damp, over priced flats, and struggled with money but managed all myself. The last 10 years I've been saving like mad, working 60+ hour weeks, 6 days a week, not holidaying for years, not spending anything, just rent, food and bills. Bleak life but desperate to buy a place but I can't save faster than prices are going up and have had anxiety and depression over it. I’m at an age where if I leave it any later I'll struggling to pay in back in time to have it for retirement. Plus I’m self-employed and single so everything is stacked against me. I don't share all of this with family so as to not worry them but a lot of it is pretty obvious. I work really hard, have all my life but not that well paid and always been single so no one to share the burden with, hence my situation.

My mum came into an inheritance a few years ago and told me she can't help me as she need to save it for private care. I was fine with this, I am not money grabbing, it's her money as far as I am concerned and if her keeping it makes her feel secure, then it made me happy.

However, last week I find out she gave my sister 10k to help her sell her second home, whilst I’m struggling to buy my first, and my sister was told not to tell me but did anyway (in an unpleasant gloating way). For content my sister married a well off older man, she lives in a 4 bedroom house which is nearly mortgage free (plus she has her own flat so two homes), they’re currently splashing out getting the loft converted, they’re saving for a luxury holiday which includes a 2k a night stay on a private island, they buy expensive antique furniture weekly, refuse to drink wine under £30 a bottle, she gets her hair, nails, eyebrows done regularly, buys new clothes all the time, has a flash car, does her shop in M&S (I'm Aldi all the way!)….both work full time, a 2-income household, both with really good pensions which I don’t have (I’m self employed).

I don’t expect more as I’m the struggling one but if my mum had money to spare I expect it to be equal.

Everyone I’ve spoken to has been quite shocked by this which has hammered home how messed up it is. It's the lies, secrecy and inequality from people who are meant to love me.

Its a Bank Holiday today and I’m working (as I always am). My sister will be sat her her extensive garden drinking fine wine. Every time I am stressed with work and every time my sister shows off about her wealth (which is always), it’s going to bring it back. Right now I don’t want to see either of them ever again but they’re family so really don’t want to feel this way.

Any advice / calming tips welcome.

My sister was the favourite of my step dad because according to my mother she wore glasses like he did!

@wtfisgoingonhere21 this is awful too, this thread is shocking me. How can parents do this to their kids? I thought it was just my crap family!

I think stepping back is right. Leave the manipulators and the grabbers to each other and focus on getting my little place, and the good people in my life.

I know you say if your mother OFFERED then you'd have accepted (been thrilled/grateful etc) but from what you have said about your sister I don't think your mother offered it to your sister, I think she asked / demanded

I agree with you OP, a parent only giving one child that sum off money is not on. Don’t give if you can’t give equally. The only time I wouldn’t say gibberish equally is if one kid was a druggie or had gambling issues or was in a domestic violence relationship.

@Margerine78
I keep
Them at arms length as much as I can.

I rarely see or speak to my sister anyway even though she loves round the corner.

I tried to mak the effort during lockdown as I was off work to meet for dog walks and take out coffee etc etc but she just constantly let me down so I stopped bothering.

The only time she doesn't let me down is if I'm taking us somewhere nice for a breakfast and even then she just never says thank you etc etc but is happy to go then.

My mums the same. Will happily go out somewhere in the car to look round shops without my dad or go for a coffee but very rarely comes over in my only day off.

Tell a lie my day off last week she was coming for a coffee but didn't actually turn up till nearly 3pm and was gone by three forty five. I asked why she was so late and the excuse was painting her fence however I now know it's because every Monday now she entertains my sister and her daughter for lunch. I've never been invited over and she won't tell me she's doing it.

This is why I stay back from them both

Your mother has created a victim with your sister just like my mum has with mine and no amount of anything will ever change their mindsets op

Step back gracefully it's really not worth it.

My sister is the golden child, and I'm the villain because I no longer want her in my life. She and Mum have a horribly toxic dependency on each other, and I stay well clear of it for the sake of my sanity.

They don't know that I know that Mum has handed her businessand business property over to her, and that Mum has done equity release on her house to allow sister to buy a house. Guess who won't be getting any inheritance when the time comes............. not that I'd want it, anyway. I can make my own way in life, and I think that's why my sister hates me so much.

You're far from being alone, OP. It's horribly common. I've just learned not to get upset or stressed with it - it's like the 3 C's, I didn't cause it, can't control it and certainly can't cure it. It's not worth the headspace.

To me the issue shouldn't be about who has what or who needs it. To me as a parent it's about being fair. I personally think you should give equally to all your children regardless of their need as otherwise you create sibling rivalry and it's just not fair!!

Favouritism is alive and kicking here unfortunately. Both DH and I had a parent each who showed blatant favouritism. Both sets of our parents were divorced.

When DH Dad died he left everything to DH sister in a will written when DH was still in his twenties and studying for his PhD. DH always glossed over the obvious favouritism and never said a bad word about his Dad.

I was personally sick of my Mother’s blatant favouritism as was one other sister. We didn’t make any dramatic no contact announcements and didn’t cut her off but we both went low contact. The other three siblings still ran around after her, the golden child appeared when Mother was seriously ill and disabled. She had done nothing for her than sponge off her for most of her life. She did step up to the mark in the last year and move in with her to care for her but became more of a gatekeeper. The three other siblings had cared for Mother for a decade. Myself and other low contact sister live over 200 miles away. My Mother would have needed a care home for those last 11 years. A new will was written in that year, she left everything to that one sister.

None of us have any contact with that sister now.

@iolaus rather tellingly (this says a lot), I try to see my mum every few weeks for a walk as she's on her own. Last time I saw her she said she hadn't seen my little sister for months and barely hears from her. Then this last month mum has been invited over to my sister's constantly out of the blue, totally stepped up the socialising...then suddenly little sister is getting 10k. What would've happened (knowing them both), sister would've hinted giving mum exact amount she needs. Mum would've offered, and then my sister would've pretended to be all reluctant and humble about accepting.

Thing is, at that point, mum should've come to me and said I can't do this for one of you and not the other when I know you're struggling. Instead she tells my sister not to tell me.

Look to move somewhere cheaper where you could afford to buy, live and run your business. Hopefully a long way from your mother and sister.

Maybe first have a conversation with your mother and ask for a loan yourself. If she refuses tell her you won't be able to see her so often as you will be moving away. She has behaved disgracefully so deserves nothing from you

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/90988426#/

@Lobelia123

You would not be causing 'a huge rift'. And theres obviously a reason your other sister is NC. I think its very damaging to your sense of self to allow yourself to be treated like this and just accept it. Tell them both to fuck off and walk away to a life where you are loved, appreciated and respected by everyone lucky enough to be in your circle. Let the golden child and the nasty enabling mother enjoy the poison of each others company.

I fully second this.

The golden child/scapegoat dynamic is corrosive and extremely damaging. The really bad news is that those of us in this position go on and on hoping that things will be better someday, that our relationships with the divisive parent will improve, and that perhaps if I just get that job, lose that weight, marry that man, they might start to approve of me. But it never changes.

You are worth more than this. You deserve to protect your own wellbeing.

For the sake of your own sanity do not try and understand them, you are not like them so it’s behind your comprehension. Two of my sisters made themselves very ill when the Will was revealed. They are the kind of people that are so lovely and giving that they are bewildered by any unkindness.

Myself and other low contact sis accepted the unfair situation years ago. It really helped with our own headspace. The favouritism extended to golden child’s sons, lets just say they are not upstanding young men at all.

If it were me, I would call a family meeting and insist that everyone (dad, mum and ALL siblings) attend. No need to tell them what it's about before hand as that just means discussing things outside the intended meeting. I would use that as a break or make time and clearly explain how you feel. Which by the way is so justified. It's VERY unfair for your mum to favour one child over the other in such an overt way (not that any favouritism is justified but I leave room for human weakness). Make sure you say ALL you want to say in the meeting and then if they don't see your point, walk away. Yes, you can communicate but you make a conscious decision to emotionally walk away because remaining emotionally attached hurts you more than it's worth. Hopefully, your mum and sister will realise the damage they have done and apologise and try to do better in future. But otherwise, I would walk away.

Seek solace with your NC sister, you will always be subjected to your Mother if you want contact with your Father who is her enabler. So low contact may be the way. I moved 200 miles North for University and then stayed. I also grew up by the sea and do miss it. But those Northern house prices mean I have a lovely home that is 260k here but would be 500k in my home town

@Cam2020 I've tried to see all POV as I hate feeling like I've been totally screwed over but nothing makes sense. Mum told me a couple of years ago (to be fair) that she couldn't help but since them we went through Covid, I had a horrible first year of lockdown as I rent, I'm self-employed, work dried up, I had to halt saving any money and was scared (until the Gov helped with the grants) that I'd use the (relatively) meagre savings I'd struggled so hard to put back on food and rent and I'd have to start again with saving in my mid-40s and I was facing never having security or my own home. I felt trapped and depressed. My mum knew I was going through all this. Much crying down the phone. Suffering from anxiety. Deeply unhappy. Damp infested rental with no working heating. She knew all this and this was only last year, and no offer of a loan to get me out of my situation arose. It's this I can't get past. Money was suddenly found for my sister?

[quote Margerine78]@HoboSexualOnslow, this is what I'm fearing, I'm so hurt by this I just know it'll be something I'll never fully get over. My other sister (not the money grabbing one) doesn't speak to my mum so part of me would feel awful not having her in my life when she's lost one daughter already, but then I'm annoyed at myself for worrying about how she feels when she's just crushed me and caused a huge rift between my other sister and I.[/quote]
Why on earth would you want to be in contact simply because she's lost one daughter already? Theres obviously a good reason your other sister has gone NC. Maybe you should consider it too. It's not your responsibility to play pretend happy families and cover up the fact that your mother clearly puts your grabby sister ahead of the rest of you.

Op in your position I would do this:

An honest and frank discussion with your mother about the unacceptable way she treats you, that your struggles have been very real for decades, and it is so hurtful that she has handed over 10k to your wealthy and comfortable sister. You can no longer continue your relationship as it was, and will be taking a step back to protect your own mental health. I would scale back and go low contact. Birthday cards and christmas cards only. No phone calls, check ins or walks. Your sister can step up and do that from now on.

I would do the same with little sister, complete distance. I would refuse to have any kind of relationship with her. What a foul woman she is.

With this new found time, you spend it with the people that really love you and are looking out for you. Your Dad and your older sister, your friends and you leave the toxic duo to it. Be honest with your older sister and husband, and tell the whole family why you are not able to continue with this anymore. Do not hide the truth.

The bigger the distance you can create, the happier you will be.

I am sorry she is not a better parent, I am sorry she can not see the damage she is doing to you op, but the best thing you can do now is leave her to it, enjoy the many good things in your life and never look back. See it as freedom. Free to live your life. When your mum is old and lonely lets hope your little sister has plenty of years set aside for down side of things because I am hoping you will be nowhere to be seen

OP I decided a few years ago not to invest more in family relationships than they do. They don't look after me in any way whatsoever (I'm fully grown and in luckier position than you financially so I'm not talking about financial support, just a tiny bit of emotional care would be nice). It's meant the relationships with most have become pretty nonexistent but it's the right thing to do. I would encourage you to not worry too much about your mum's feelings in this as that only really works if it's 2-way. Which it clearly isnt'y.

My DH is the Scapegoat, my advice is to go NC and enjoy your own life. Stop worrying about how your mother feels about you because you will always be let down.
The last 12mnths have been a real learning curve for DH, he has finally realised that no matter how much or how little he tries with his M it makes no difference to how she treats him.
The shadow she has cast over him for the last 50+ yrs is fading and h3 is much happier. It’s now time for one of her other 3 sons to take their turn.

Some families are extremely bizarre about money and support and are deeply entrenched in the ‘golden child’ or ‘most needy/always needs rescuing child’ mode. Very rarely do they or the dynamics change.

My sibling only goes to my parents when they’re having a crisis and they’re always bailed out despite it biting my parents on the butt every time.
I am still 🤨 at my parents offering all of a decent lotto win to my sibling for a house deposit (following relationship drama), which was turned down - “owning is a hassle”. Sibling also turned down the suggestion of my parents getting a buy to let and renting it from them instead of renting from a stranger. Talk about desperate to help someone who doesn’t want to help them self! Nowt stranger than folk!!

My cousin had recently found out that their parents have given their only sibling money towards a house deposit and paid for 99% work to be done on the property and also gives ‘pocket money’. Similar conversations about keeping secrets and a goady sibling.
It hasn’t gone down well which I think is understandable. They feel forgotten and deemed ‘not worth the help and support’ which is very sad.

@beachsidecafe thank-you, that's really good advice. I don't have a husband (part of the reason I'm struggling as I'm doing it all alone, my sister has the wealthy older husband). I think distance in a f**k you way without severing ties completely works. Can't bare to see either right now but sadly I'll have to put up with seeing sister at family dos in future. She's very histrionic, always tears and drama if anything is ever said to her, she plays victim so I think avoidance and distance with her is needed. She knows what she's done. I know. No point talking about it. She won't change and I'll get just upset.

I can't remember the last time I saw my sister where she didn't say something awful, either arrogant, or putting my down, or showing off. So actually a lesser relationship would be good!

My mum knew I was going through all this. Much crying down the phone. Suffering from anxiety. Deeply unhappy. Damp infested rental with no working heating. She knew all this and this was only last year, and no offer of a loan to get me out of my situation arose. It's this I can't get past. Money was suddenly found for my sister?

That's shit. I couldn't get past that, I'd have to take a step back and concentrate on myself.
Imagine not helping your own child out in a situation like that. Your mother is a disgrace.

Your sister is toxic and your mother has probably given her the money to keep the relationship going, and to feel valued in some way.
All of my siblings had help. I have always managed on my own. I actually think it was looked upon as a failing that I did not ask for help. How I live is my business and nobody else's.
Just keep doing what you are doing and let them get on with it but do let your mother know that you know. It's only right.