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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blatant sibling favouritism and secrecy ....

165 replies

Margerine78 · 03/05/2021 08:39

After a week of tears and talking with friends and (other) family, members I'm pretty sure IANBU, this is more of a HTFDIDWT? (how the f**k do I deal with this?)

All my life I've rented damp, over priced flats, and struggled with money but managed all myself. The last 10 years I've been saving like mad, working 60+ hour weeks, 6 days a week, not holidaying for years, not spending anything, just rent, food and bills. Bleak life but desperate to buy a place but I can't save faster than prices are going up and have had anxiety and depression over it. I’m at an age where if I leave it any later I'll struggling to pay in back in time to have it for retirement. Plus I’m self-employed and single so everything is stacked against me. I don't share all of this with family so as to not worry them but a lot of it is pretty obvious. I work really hard, have all my life but not that well paid and always been single so no one to share the burden with, hence my situation.

My mum came into an inheritance a few years ago and told me she can't help me as she need to save it for private care. I was fine with this, I am not money grabbing, it's her money as far as I am concerned and if her keeping it makes her feel secure, then it made me happy.

However, last week I find out she gave my sister 10k to help her sell her second home, whilst I’m struggling to buy my first, and my sister was told not to tell me but did anyway (in an unpleasant gloating way). For content my sister married a well off older man, she lives in a 4 bedroom house which is nearly mortgage free (plus she has her own flat so two homes), they’re currently splashing out getting the loft converted, they’re saving for a luxury holiday which includes a 2k a night stay on a private island, they buy expensive antique furniture weekly, refuse to drink wine under £30 a bottle, she gets her hair, nails, eyebrows done regularly, buys new clothes all the time, has a flash car, does her shop in M&S (I'm Aldi all the way!)….both work full time, a 2-income household, both with really good pensions which I don’t have (I’m self employed).

I don’t expect more as I’m the struggling one but if my mum had money to spare I expect it to be equal.

Everyone I’ve spoken to has been quite shocked by this which has hammered home how messed up it is. It's the lies, secrecy and inequality from people who are meant to love me.

Its a Bank Holiday today and I’m working (as I always am). My sister will be sat her her extensive garden drinking fine wine. Every time I am stressed with work and every time my sister shows off about her wealth (which is always), it’s going to bring it back. Right now I don’t want to see either of them ever again but they’re family so really don’t want to feel this way.

Any advice / calming tips welcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
Margerine78 · 03/05/2021 10:18

@ElphabaTWitch yeah same with my sister, she's always been an idiot with money, landed on her feet through marriage and my parents bailing her out.

Wise words, thank-you!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/05/2021 10:21

I think your other sister has worked your mother out. I think your mother benefits from your cruel sister through her high earning DH, lifestyle etc.

How much are flats where you are looking to buy? I love up north now would be interesting to compare!

LittleOwl153 · 03/05/2021 10:21

Does your business need you to be where you are or could you move again? If you can I'd move well away from your mother. There is no way I'd want to be within the area when she requires care - leave that to the golden girl!

You need to walk away from her. You say you don't want to as she has already lost your sister - but instead absorbing all the hurt yourself....

Original poster
Margerine78 · 03/05/2021 10:21

@QueeniesCroft, sorry you've gone through it too. I swear those that work hard get ignored. You're right. I need to calm down, distance myself from them, see more of my Dad (I'm always at his anyway, he can't get rid of me!), and concentrate on the good in my life not the crap. I hate being bitter. I do not want to feel this way indefinitely.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 03/05/2021 10:23

I think DM is being very unreasonable here .She seems to favour this wealthy sister over both you and elder DS .Not the point here obv but 95% mortgages are coming back .Would this help you at all? Anyway I would try and reduce contact with her and favoured DS . Maybe you could look in a cheaper area? Even if it extends work commute ,you can still save money on Renting at least .Also Some areas have part buy, part rent for first time buyers .Need a 10% dep and have to earn less than 80k .Also have you thought about putting your name down for a Council property?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 03/05/2021 10:28

YANBU at all. Your mum is being grossly unfair - I’m so sorry. 💐

Supersimkin2 · 03/05/2021 10:28

Cruel.

Almost worse, you've been faced with the awful fact that your DM and Dsis are horrible - and what do you do about it?

Dohrehmee · 03/05/2021 10:28

I think
You should speak to your mother the unfair treatment you get . Tell her about how you work so hard where’s your syster is comfortably well off. Tell your mother you know about the wedding money as well and the other 10 k. Ask your mother how it is fair your sister has a lot more and still she helps that syster more. Then leave it at that. As fir your sister, you can tell her that everything you have is cos you worked hard for it. Then go nc with her

AbsolutelyPatsy · 03/05/2021 10:30

money comes to money op.
ditch your sister and your mother.
then you wont be beholden to them

FFSFFSFFS · 03/05/2021 10:32

I'd be finally with great relief be cutting off my mother and the horrible sister if I were you.

On a tangent - you won't necessarly need 20% deposit. You need to find a good broker who specialises in/knows about self-employed mortgages.

Viviennemary · 03/05/2021 10:33

That really mean. Go no contact with the lot of them.

Grandbisou · 03/05/2021 10:33

We have similar in our family. I long made peace with getting no financial help from my parents, despite sibling getting a lot and will be inheriting everything it seems. I’m ok with that and plan everything based on my own money. The favouritism in other ways still stings sometimes ( I’ve been dropped like a hot stone when sibling turns up etc) but also have grown to accept this. Mostly, I’m fine now and realise my parents just don’t get it and never will.
My dh parents in contrast split everything equally and show no favourites. That is how I will be with dcs for sure.

YouJustFoldItIn · 03/05/2021 10:34

I would have to confront my mother if she did this. And I wouldn't let her squirm off the hook over it. It's appalling.

LadyEloise · 03/05/2021 10:34

Cousin's family - favoured family member who did the least for the parent got the most in the will.
The one who did the most- well above and beyond what could// should be expected, got the least.
The one who got the most was in a position to manipulate.
So sad.
So unfair.
I definitely see the manipulator in a different light now.
Not a nice person.

GooseberryJam · 03/05/2021 10:37

I would tell your mum that she'd better look to your wealthy sister to help her out when she needs it, because you won't be involved. You do realise that she'll expect you to be the one running around after her when she does need care. Put her straight on that now.

MrsDoctorDear · 03/05/2021 10:39

@GooseberryJam

I would tell your mum that she'd better look to your wealthy sister to help her out when she needs it, because you won't be involved. You do realise that she'll expect you to be the one running around after her when she does need care. Put her straight on that now.
This will happen unless you move away. Your sister will be 'too busy'.
Original poster
Margerine78 · 03/05/2021 10:39

@RandomMess, my Dad and my other (non grabbing) sister live here, plus wider family, family dogs (very important!) and I love the sea, so I'd be chopping off nose to spite face moving away for two family members when I'm close to the rest. Also I'm not in a posh touristy part of the Westcountry so prices aren't extortionate relative to elsewhere like some parts, so that's not so much of an issue.

OP posts:
randomer · 03/05/2021 10:41

This is deeply hurtful and not about the money. The money is a vehicle.

I have had the same thing done to me, its beyond belief really.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 03/05/2021 10:42

I ha e a sister similar op and a mother who still thinks my sisters a victim in life so helps her with whatever she needs.

My parents have paid her overdraft off more times than I can count and every white good in my sisters house was bought by my parents.

Oh and my sister hasn't worked for twenty years but has a partner that does and an adult child that is independent financially.

Had a funny moment with my mother just last week where I asked if I could borrow £10 for a few days to pay for something on a deadline for one of my dc and got a barrel of crap about how they're both retiring soon (mother hasn't worked fully for years so fathers been supporting her) and there will be no money In the pot blah blah.

Told her to stick her £10 up her ass and give it to my other sister along with the £100 she's just paid someone to cut my sisters hedge cause she had complaints about it and was too friggin lazy to do it herself.

Step back from them op because you will forever feel not quite good enough and it's soul destroying.

I've had it for years.

tuttifuckinfruity · 03/05/2021 10:42

Why does your other sister not speak to your mum? What is your other sister like? Are you close?

Obviously it's a difficult situation and it's not ideal to make sweeping statements, but based on the info you've given here I would distance myself from your mum and money grabbing sister and align myself more with the other sister and sounds like she has the measure of your mum. I would struggle to forgive this behaviour as well.

I wouldn't fall out, but I would definitely distance myself.

Do your two sisters still speak to each other?

RandomMess · 03/05/2021 10:43

Yes lots of reasons to stay!!

Around here you can buy a 2 bed old terrace in a good area for £130k short drive/bus to the coast etc if you hadn't had lovely family to stay for.

ChaToilLeam · 03/05/2021 10:45

They have both been pretty cruel, they have watched you struggle and done nothing to help. At least you have a decent parent in your dad. I would suggest taking a break from contact with your mother and sister and see how you feel about going low or no contact in the future. Just as well your mother has a few bob aside for her old age as she’d better not be relying on you to help her.

tuttifuckinfruity · 03/05/2021 10:45

And yay for your dad!! 👏 Just saw your update.

It sounds like you have plenty in your life without your mum and money grabbing sister.

Original poster
Margerine78 · 03/05/2021 10:46

@RandomMess this is the issue, pre-Covid I had just about enough deposit for a small flat between £90,000-£130,000 absolute tops - I just need one bedroom and a tiny weeny outside space due to wanting a dog, don't care about decor or anything, I'm really want the basics. Wasted a year due to pandemic and now those kind of places are averaging £150,000. Another year of saving who knows what they'll cost. I think Yorkshire got quite expensive too didn't it? I do love it there though, beautiful place.

OP posts:
HowWeAre · 03/05/2021 10:52

Sounds really upsetting OP. Do you have kids? Does your sister? I’m just wondering because maybe if you don’t and she does she sees it as an investment in her GC too? Obviously still very unfair but trying to see what your Mum is actually thinking here.