Blatant sibling favouritism and secrecy ....

[Margerine78]

After a week of tears and talking with friends and (other) family, members I'm pretty sure IANBU, this is more of a HTFDIDWT? (how the f**k do I deal with this?)

All my life I've rented damp, over priced flats, and struggled with money but managed all myself. The last 10 years I've been saving like mad, working 60+ hour weeks, 6 days a week, not holidaying for years, not spending anything, just rent, food and bills. Bleak life but desperate to buy a place but I can't save faster than prices are going up and have had anxiety and depression over it. I’m at an age where if I leave it any later I'll struggling to pay in back in time to have it for retirement. Plus I’m self-employed and single so everything is stacked against me. I don't share all of this with family so as to not worry them but a lot of it is pretty obvious. I work really hard, have all my life but not that well paid and always been single so no one to share the burden with, hence my situation.

My mum came into an inheritance a few years ago and told me she can't help me as she need to save it for private care. I was fine with this, I am not money grabbing, it's her money as far as I am concerned and if her keeping it makes her feel secure, then it made me happy.

However, last week I find out she gave my sister 10k to help her sell her second home, whilst I’m struggling to buy my first, and my sister was told not to tell me but did anyway (in an unpleasant gloating way). For content my sister married a well off older man, she lives in a 4 bedroom house which is nearly mortgage free (plus she has her own flat so two homes), they’re currently splashing out getting the loft converted, they’re saving for a luxury holiday which includes a 2k a night stay on a private island, they buy expensive antique furniture weekly, refuse to drink wine under £30 a bottle, she gets her hair, nails, eyebrows done regularly, buys new clothes all the time, has a flash car, does her shop in M&S (I'm Aldi all the way!)….both work full time, a 2-income household, both with really good pensions which I don’t have (I’m self employed).

I don’t expect more as I’m the struggling one but if my mum had money to spare I expect it to be equal.

Everyone I’ve spoken to has been quite shocked by this which has hammered home how messed up it is. It's the lies, secrecy and inequality from people who are meant to love me.

Its a Bank Holiday today and I’m working (as I always am). My sister will be sat her her extensive garden drinking fine wine. Every time I am stressed with work and every time my sister shows off about her wealth (which is always), it’s going to bring it back. Right now I don’t want to see either of them ever again but they’re family so really don’t want to feel this way.

Any advice / calming tips welcome.

After your last update there is nothing anyone can say to make your mum admit to being a cow.
Just ignore her now, she will always believe in her own head she's done nothing wrong.
Sod the pair of them, they deserve each other.

Look up the Karpman Triangle op. It will become crystal clear then why you are where you are. It is possible to step out of the drama triangle and have better relationships with others.

Read all your posts @Margerine78, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this

You’ve made the right decision to step back.

You’ll gain strength and thank god you have your dad to back you up a bit.

OP, if your NC sibling thinks your mother is a narcissist, could that be true? If so, she may be more drawn to your sister who behaves in the same way. My mother was the same with my cousin (completely self involved, manipulative, greedy and selfish) and my oldest sister (so selfish her own son chose not to live with her when she split from his dad when he was a child). I had moved back from overseas to care for her when she got ill, saw her daily and ran around after her. And although she could acknowledge that, when the mood took her she would still goad me with stories about them. To the point that during a really bad bout of illness, when I was on the verge of a health breakdown due to the strain of caring for her and working, she told me that she never worried about me because I could 'take care of myself' but that my sister really struggled with life and needed extra help. This is the same child she had just complained never came to see her and didnt seem to care about her.

What helped me was 3 things. 1. Understanding that my mother was damaged/disordered and that her behaviour was not influenced by what I did but what was going on for her at that time.

1. Telling her clearly when she did something that was not ok and explaining why.
2. Keeping a clear boundary in my mind about what was ok and not ok, and going LC when she was really pushing it.

In terms of your own emotions - you are expecting her to behave like a normal loving parent. She cant. if you can remember that you can let go of the idea that if you can only work out what to do differently she may understand and support you like you want. Feel sorry for yourself - you deserve it - give yourself a hug and be kind to yourself. And focus your energy on the parent who is able to behave like a decent human being.

Sending you all best wishes. Hope you can get your home situation worked out.

I have a wealthy sister who sees my DM as a cash cow.

She is the golden child and has already prevented my mother from spending her own money how she wishes because it is now labelled as my sister's inheritance.

I am now protecting myself emotionally by stepping back from them both. This is not convenient for my DM as my sister wouldn't ever consider helping her in any way and I live considerably closer than she does anyway.

It's a relief not to be embroiled in the drama any more.

I have no doubt that my DM will find a way to leave more money to my sister and I'm prepared for dealing with the emotional impact of that when the time comes.

BTW - meant to say I think your sister is goady because she feels insecure around you - you have managed everything by yourself, she owes her life to marrying well.

I think your being unreasonable. Your an adult and responsable for your own finances. They may have loaned money to your sister because they know she can afford to pay it back. My mum gave my sister enough for a deposit on a large house but if it had been me who asked for the same thing..? I'd have got nothing. I don't care. Its her money she can do with it as she wishes. You will feel so much more satisfied when you reach your goal on your own, even if it does take that bit longer because it sounds like you are far more independent then your sister and much more driven. No one can take that away from you.

@Reign21, I think you're missing the point. I didn't go to my mum as I agree, it's her money.

What's happened is my own mother has lied to my face about having none spare to help me, than given it to my sister. So that's one issue.

Also the chances of my sister paying back are zero, she's terrible with money, never saves, always lives beyond her means, scabs off my parents and never pays them back. I'd save so much from paying a mortgage rather than rent that I could've paid my mum back the same amount in less than 2 years.

I don't think things should be unequal like this, I have two sisters and if I came into money, say a big lottery win, there's no way I'd give a chunk to one and lie to the other and tell them I don't have any money.

I've been lied to by my mum who's happy to see me struggle which I don't think is right, it's not how parents should be. I've had my sister be a total bitch and rub it in my face. I've had both lie to me.

It's a toxic situation.

It is a toxic situation op, and one that is damaging you.

think your being unreasonable. Your an adult and responsable for your own finances

The same could be said for op's little sister, she is an adult and is responsible for her own money, and yet she is given 10k and is unlikely to pay it back. How is that fair? Or just?

They are both adults, so the mother should either distribute cash gifts or loans fairly or not offer them at all. It is very unkind to choose one child over another in this way. I am very surprised anyone would find this behaviour reasonable reign you say your indifferent to your own mother's favouritism, I would suggest that is doing far more damage to you than you realise if you have simply stopped caring. It suggests that the toxic behaviour has been happening for a very long time and you have learnt to switch off your feelings or actually believe your sister is far better with money than you are, therefore your mother is right to treat you both unfairly. Surely it would be better if your mother at least gave you the chance to prove you could be better with your finances?

Surely as parents we continue to believe in our children, to sure up their confidence and self belief by helping them achieve financial control and stability. Even starting with very small amounts, if we are going to help their siblings in the same way. It is sad to me that you have accepted their mistreatment!

You will feel so much better without 'D'M and sister. Not at first, but eventually. They're making you so unhappy. Your mum knows how you feel.
Leave them to it OP. You've got your dad and other sister.
When you're sitting in your own garden, with your dog, looking at your own house, just think fuck 'em.
You'll have the last laugh
Let them stew in their own juices as we say round here
🐶💐

@allbeachsidecafe, for context my sister and I are both mid-40s. My Mum knows full well I'm capable with money so it's not a case of her not trusting me, it's favouritism.

I left home at 15, went to uni, moved to London. Supported myself through all of this, I literally didn't even get a single food package from my parents when at uni, nothing. Saved a big (but not enough) deposit for a house myself. Have gotten into debt over the years supporting myself but have also paid all this back myself. Have never asked either parent for money, in fact over the years I helped my Mother out. I've been totally self-sufficient.

Little sister lazy, messed up at school, lived off my Dad until her early 20's. Then had a flat she couldn't afford as she worked part time and couldn't be bothered to get a second job, took hand-outs constantly still from my Dad whilst not working full time and pleading poverty, then married a richer man and lived in his house. My Dad pays for her car still as her credit score is really bad and she doesn't earn much but she wants to drive the best newest car (mine is an old second hand banger). Both my parents paid for her wedding as she didn't want to save for it. I know she constantly goes to my Dad for hand-outs, I don't know the extend of it.

If my Mum doesn't get she's the bad one with money she is blinded by the golden child syndrome and it's hopeless!

I definitely feel she's being rewarded for being crap and enabled which adds to the frustration!

Yes

I don't share all of this with family so as to not worry them

So you haven't told your Mum about your financial problems or asked for help. That's something you can easily change.

[quote Margerine78]@HoboSexualOnslow, this is what I'm fearing, I'm so hurt by this I just know it'll be something I'll never fully get over. My other sister (not the money grabbing one) doesn't speak to my mum so part of me would feel awful not having her in my life when she's lost one daughter already, but then I'm annoyed at myself for worrying about how she feels when she's just crushed me and caused a huge rift between my other sister and I.[/quote]
Definitely time for you to check out the “we took you to stately homes” thread, as others have mentioned. Even though I think part of you realizes how unkind and unfair your mother is, as your final sentence states, you’re still framing things as, “She already lost one daughter” and you would “feel awful.” Actually, no - it sounds like she drove one daughter away, and as soon as you can find your way completely out of the FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt), you’ll give yourself the gift of being free of her and your bullying golden child sister, too.

This all sounds so upsetting for you OP. Take care of yourself & I really hope you get to buy your own place soon.