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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to thin k women still teach their daughters

178 replies

Sallygoround631 · 02/05/2021 22:53

to marry into money?
as opposed to taking are of themselves first?

I see this often on MN, and it makes me sad:(

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 03/05/2021 14:12

I think there's a big difference between "encouraging to marry into money" and "encouraging not to marry a complete waster who takes advantage of you". I think MN has the latter, not the former
I agree, and it seems the OP doesn't quite understand the difference. They seem quite adamant that the issue is marrying men for their bank balance, rather than women wanting to marry someone with a good work ethic and whose values make them less likely to be a cocklodger.

ForgedInFire · 03/05/2021 14:14

I would strongly discourage my son from marrying an unemployed woman as well (and i mean unemployed not SAHM)

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 03/05/2021 14:35

@ForgedInFire

I would strongly discourage my son from marrying an unemployed woman as well (and i mean unemployed not SAHM)
I strongly encourage mine not to marry someone not working as well or one that makes it clear they want to stop working. I’ve encouraged them to look for equals who will share rather than expect to be provided for.
Pinkpaisley · 03/05/2021 14:51

Huge difference in marrying say a nurse or a social worker vs someone who just flits from job to job. I would be horrified if my dd brought home someone whose life ambition was to work whatever minimum wage job came their way. I absolutely respect someone who chooses a field that interests them, takes effort, but happens to pay poorly.

Lesssaideasymended · 03/05/2021 14:56

Personally, I was taught to never rely on a man and to pursue my own goals

Pinkpaisley · 03/05/2021 14:58

You know what happens when women post about their good incomes? We get flamed for boasting or flat out accused of lying.

userchange856 · 03/05/2021 15:01

and it's always my DH has a 6 figure income!!! never it's ME who has the 6 figure income

I think you're in very different threads to me. There are LOADS of threads on here looking at salaries and there are a large number of posters who have these level of figures, MN then gets accused of not being "representative" I also see lots of posts telling posters to avoid cocklodgers. I don't see much of what you're seeing at all, maybe we are drawn to different threads.

tigerbreadandtea · 03/05/2021 15:03

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

Nope absolute opposite here. DD is 14 and only today we had a chat about marriage and work etc. She said she didn't see the point of marriage and I told her how women can be disadvantaged by giving up work to care for children and that in that case marriage is an important contract there to protect the lower earner.

I also told her that if possible, while making sure she's married before having children, that she should also get back to work ASAP and choose a career that would enable her to support herself as a lone parent if needed.

She has come to her own conclusion that men are trash. I don't correct her as sadly many of them are. She has a nice dad and brothers so she knows NAMALT etc but she is certainly wary enough of them that she doesn't want a boyfriend and is not in any way planning to be financially dependent on one.

How sad that your 14 year old thinks men are trash.
Brainwave89 · 03/05/2021 15:14

As for other posters, I always taught my daughter never to be dependent on a man. Always have your own income. In my peer group most followed this, some went for a more traditional model where they gave up work to look after children (some having to as they could not make the finances work). This also worked for a number of my friends, but as happens in all friendship groups, some women were left by their husbands who moved on to other women. When they did this, they pulled the financial rug out from under them, and often were not generous with support for them or their children. With limited job skills, supporting themselves was hard work.

RedMarauder · 03/05/2021 15:34

Myself and my sisters were taught to earn our own money but that's because my mum was a young widow with a small child who struggled when her husband died.

However I have a SIL in her 60s and a friend in her 40s who were told to, plus expected to, marry for money. Both from very MC backgrounds.

The first out earns my brother, while the second build a career and even though she is divorced it didn't screw her up as it financially could if she hadn't continued to work FT with children.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/05/2021 17:25

Another one here who has never seen this! My parents always encouraged me towards a decent career in priority to meeting a loaded bloke.

littlebillie · 03/05/2021 17:32

Just had a conversation with my DD about being financially independent and always having her own money and the ability to earn. This is what we need to tell our daughters

Dontknowowt · 03/05/2021 17:35

God yes. My OH earns around 1,500k per month working in adult social care and so many people on MN have said he should "step up" and earn a better wage to support his family. I also work ft on slightly less.

lovepickledlimes · 03/05/2021 17:40

While I do think marrying for money is wrong I would also explain that it is good to be smart about what kind of life they want and to be sure to find a partner that is suited for that life. For example if I had a daughter and the job she wanted was not that compatible with family life it is important to find a partner that has a job that will accommodate children etc

MusicMenu · 03/05/2021 17:40

My parents (admittedly my dad more than my mum) always expected that my sister and I would be financially independent, to the extent that my dad was horrified at the prospect of me being SAHM and volunteered to be my childminder to avoid it. And he really loves DH.

MusicMenu · 03/05/2021 17:41

I should add that my dad dies think the person you marry us very important in terms of future prosperity, but not necessarily from an earning potential pov, more someone who will reign in a spender etc.

Crazycrazylady · 03/05/2021 18:20

I agree that women today are thought to
Be financially independent but I see nothing wrong with advising girls against entering relationships with men who are reckless with money or who are work shy, regardless of how independent/financially secure the women in the relationship is. Life is generally easier for women who's partner is financially secure .

Jennyfromtheculdesac · 03/05/2021 18:34

@Crazycrazylady

I agree that women today are thought to Be financially independent but I see nothing wrong with advising girls against entering relationships with men who are reckless with money or who are work shy, regardless of how independent/financially secure the women in the relationship is. Life is generally easier for women who's partner is financially secure .
Nothing you have said is wrong, in my view. But why just girls? Why not advise boys to also be mindful of entering into relationships with people who are reckless with money? Or who may want to not work and expect them to fund everything?
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 03/05/2021 19:03

Nothing you have said is wrong, in my view. But why just girls? Why not advise boys to also be mindful of entering into relationships with people who are reckless with money? Or who may want to not work and expect them to fund everything

Absolutely agree, the message should be taught to both. I expect there are many of both sexes who feel they don’t have to work and should be provided for by a partner.

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/05/2021 19:08

YANBU, I have seen it here on MN many times but it isn’t usually presented as “go and find someone with more money than you”

It is usually presented as “no way on earth would I be with a man who earns significantly less than me “ and “men don’t like women who out earn them, so he will leave you OP” and “if he can’t pay 50/50 on everything, leave him you can do better”

There are also many names- “cocklodger, lazy twat, man child” for any man disabled, currently unemployed or a stay at home parent.

lovepickledlimes · 03/05/2021 19:32

@PlanDeRaccordement on average it does seem women tend to be with men that are slightly older then they are and therefore been employed for a little longer which again is reflected in the wage. It's not a big difference but just something that does stand out.

LolaSmiles · 03/05/2021 19:38

Nothing you have said is wrong, in my view. But why just girls? Why not advise boys to also be mindful of entering into relationships with people who are reckless with money? Or who may want to not work and expect them to fund everything?
This should also go hand in hand with telling boys that if they choose to be a father then they don't get to expect that their partner gives up her job to be a SAHP, that their partner has to be the one to go part time, that their partner has to do all the school and childcare pick ups, that their partner has to take all the days off for child illness, that the partner has to juggle school holiday childcare.

Equally, boys should be brought up to understand that if two parents are working then he doesn't get to kick his shoes off and put his feet up after a long day doing an important man job whilst his wife has to do a double shift on housework.

Many men seem to want it all and then when people understandably want to educate girls about the fact men have structured society to benefit them so girls need to be clued up and look out for red flags, this desire to educate girls to know their worth gets twisted.
It seems to go from:
Girls, make sure that you find a man who pulls his weight, isn't looking for someone to sponge off, and when you have children be aware of your own situation. Be aware of the following red flags because there's an awful lot of men out there who don't treat women properly
To
Isn't it awful that women are horrible about men who don't earn very much? Why are women telling girls to marry for money?

Dontknowowt · 03/05/2021 19:50

You can't have it all I don't think. My ex was very wealthy but prioritised work and making money over his wife and family. My new hubby earns a lot less in a more caring role that is far less money driven. He has time for both myself and our child.

LolaSmiles · 04/05/2021 07:23

I wasn't referring to me having it all in terms of infinite time to work and see their family. Nobofy has infinite time.

I was referring to the fact that many men seem to want:
A wife who will be equal and expected to work, but also fundamentally unequal because the wife should make all the career sacrifices for family, and do all the domestic work so that man can have a family but be otherwise be untroubled by family life other than when he chooses to engage, and in those situations he gets brownie points for being a great dad.

Should a relationship involve children it is largely women who take the hits, and it makes sense to advise girls not to take on a partner who will be in many ways like another child to pick up after and/or fund. Some people hear this and seem to think that advising girls to be careful when they select a partner equals telling them to search out men to marry by the size of their bank balance.

110APiccadilly · 04/05/2021 07:26

I've never known anyone marry into money in real life. I do know SAHPs but none of them were that when they married, and in many cases their partners don't earn more than average, they just make the income stretch, so I'm not sure that's marrying into money either.