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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to thin k women still teach their daughters

178 replies

Sallygoround631 · 02/05/2021 22:53

to marry into money?
as opposed to taking are of themselves first?

I see this often on MN, and it makes me sad:(

OP posts:
noirchatsdeux · 02/05/2021 23:13

I certainly hope not!

My mother always assumed I'd be just like her (I was born in 1968): that I'd marry young, immediately have 3 children in less than 5 years and never be expected to work again....because I was 'owed' that by my husband for having his kids... as a result I was never encouraged to study hard or plan for a career.

Both my parents were dreadful parents, just in many different ways.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 02/05/2021 23:13

Mine were told to always be financially independent.
Don't rely on anyone for anything.
Ive also never been married so I think they realise that I'm not a fan of that but they will choose what they want to do .

AFS1 · 02/05/2021 23:14

As the primary wage-earner, and the house in my sole name, I’m pretty sure my daughter has picked up the importance of financial independence.

ArtisanBreadBin · 02/05/2021 23:15

Ridiculous. I'm fucking minted and I've never been with a man who earns 50% of my pay. Maybe it's your circle OP.

EileenGC · 02/05/2021 23:18

There is an element of that, but certainly wasn't the case in my family. My mum suggested it once in a jokey mode and after I said 'why couldn't I make my own money' she realised I was right and hasn't raised that point since.

Using the term maiden name and teaching daughters it's normal to change your name when you marry... don't get me started on that one. So much defensiveness when I point out how sexist normalising that is.

RosesAndHellebores · 02/05/2021 23:21

Brought up to be financially independent and always to pay my way. Had 8 years off with the children.

My dd has seen me work. So has my ds. They have both been taught a good work ethic. I hope they both marry wisely, ie, find someone loyal, honest, intellectually stimulating and who loves them and makes them laugh.

One thing my mother did teach me was it's better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable but if you're going to be miserable make sure you are rich because it makes misery more comfortable.

funnylittlefloozie · 02/05/2021 23:24

Maybe you've seen one thread where marrying rich men was suggested as a life strategy, but i think the general feeling on MN is that women need to be independent.

murasaki · 02/05/2021 23:29

My mother was the earner, and dad a SAHD dilettante lovely man who did all the housework etc. My sisters and I grew up with the idea that we need to earn our own money, and do. Totally different careers, but all doing fine. I think it was more about ambition, and going for what you wanted to do than the money per se, but we were certainly never told to rely on a man.

murasaki · 02/05/2021 23:32

I am the higher earner in our household, but DP works and brings in a goodish wage too, so it's all fine. he doesn't seem to have a problem with it.

Pinkpaisley · 02/05/2021 23:36

Certainly not what I am teaching my dd. I am proud to have a good career. She is being raised with expectations of the same. If she wants to partner, we advise her to choose someone with similar goals and values, but point out that I make more than her father so the actual money isn’t what matters, it’s about valuing education and a strong work ethic.

Laserbird16 · 02/05/2021 23:37

I've seen advice not to be taken advantage of so for example there will be a poster not married, working part-time, her name is not on the mortgage but she's paying for what I consider family expenses eg all childcare costs, bills, children's clothes, activities. Usually she is also doing most or all housework/life admin while her 'partner' does sweet FA and complains about the very minimal expectations on him.

That's kind of being advised to marry well but really is make sure your worth is fairly recognised in your relationships. Excellent advice. Most posters advise to make sure you are independent again excellent advice

BackforGood · 02/05/2021 23:54

Well, I'm sure there are people that advise that, but it certainly isn't something I see much on MN and I'm on here FAR too much

NiceGerbil · 02/05/2021 23:57

Never seen it either.

And how does a person even go about achieving it? Easier to study work get s good job etc

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 03/05/2021 00:01

Having been with someone who couldn't manage money for shit and constantly having to mop up his financial mess, I will 100% be telling my DD AND my DS to marry someone who is comfortably off and manages money well. A life of being skint is not fun

NiceGerbil · 03/05/2021 00:21

That's not the same as marrying into money though really.

That implies fortune. And I think even of really posh titled types not just really rich with that phrase!

serin · 03/05/2021 00:25

Its not something I have seen on here but it is something I've (sadly) seen in real life.
Weirdly, more often amongst my better off aquintances. I know one family where the parents have become quite involved in the management of a Premier league football club and are determined their daughters will marry footballers.
I know others who tell you about their child's new boyfriend/girlfriend and in the next breath tell you what the parents do, where they live and what type of car they drive.
Its like living in a Jane Austin novel at times.
I have taught all of mine (boys and girls) to be financially independent and not to rely on others.

NiceGerbil · 03/05/2021 00:28

It's unattainable for most though surely?

There's not that many footballer type money about.

And marrying someone is a pretty big deal, you want someone who is not just mega rich but who you like, fancy, isn't an arsehole. And of course he has to want to marry you as well!

Not an easy thing to do !

WorraLiberty · 03/05/2021 00:28

@Cocopogo

YABU I don’t think any mother teaches their daughter to marry, in to money or otherwise. Most women I know tell their daughter to stay the fuck away from men and their nasty, rapey ways.
Most women you know?

Jesus, do you work in criminal justice or a similar field?

Even if you do, do you not know many women outside of it?

I can't get my head around this.

wombatspoopcubes · 03/05/2021 00:41

I was (I'm 41).

Will teach my child something different (to protect her own finances).

themalamander · 03/05/2021 00:42

I havent encountered that in the UK. Absolutely did in South Korea; so many people i socialized with who had a daughter wanted them to become nurses so they could marry doctors. But I've never heard women in the UK saying it about their daughters.

StayingHere · 03/05/2021 01:24

I've not really seen this on here or in real life. My DM did encourage me to marry somebody who is sensible with their money as my DF wasn't and it caused a lot of stress in their marriage. But that wasn't 'marrying for money'. I would encourage my DD to have her own career and her own money - you never know what's round the corner.

Postern · 03/05/2021 03:50

Have you time-travelled from the Regency?

MiloAndEddie · 03/05/2021 06:45

Another saying they’ve never seen it, neither on here or IRL

Camomila · 03/05/2021 06:50

DM spent my childhood encouraging me to be a scientist when I grew up (my favourite subject at school). I wish I'd listened tbh Grin

trappedsincesundaymorn · 03/05/2021 06:56

I didn't. I taught her to respect herself and that nobody has the right to make her feel worthless. I don't care who she marries as long as he treats her well and she is happy, that's all I want for her.