to thin k women still teach their daughters

[Sallygoround631]

to marry into money?
as opposed to taking are of themselves first?

I see this often on MN, and it makes me sad:(

Total opposite from both my parents.
Never take on any financial responsibility with a partner that I couldn’t support in my own, really helped me out when me and my ex DP split just over a year ago and I bought him out of the house.

I saw one women mention it on here in a thread and she was (rightly) torn to pieces. I was never raised to rely on a man, both myself and my mum are the higher earners.

While I agree with you in theory I dont think there is anything wrong with being with a man for money as long as you are upfront.

I think it happens but isn't really discussed on MN and probably done in a covert way -eg marry someone smart with career ambitions who is more likely to become wealthy.

What I have seen on MN is a whole lot of smuggery from women who have chosen their husbands well (their words) and now her to enjoy the good fortune of a comfortable life. But that wasn't gold digging of course, just being clever enough to choose the right man. Very irritating.

This was definitely the advice I got from my mum, albeit in a ‘joking’ manner.

She married rich and had an unhappy marriage so not sure why on earth she wanted it for me.

Didn’t take her advice, of course. I’m happily married to a man who earns about the same as me.

I have never met a mum who taught her DD to marry into money as such. I have met lots of families were money/status is prioritised over happiness - in career choices, in how they spend their free time, in relationships.... It's not for me.

Sorry typo above. her = get

@soditall56 I wasn’t suggesting anyone should. Though sadly it is usually someone they know and trust who abuses them.

It gets endorsed in an indirect way - there’s an awful lot of people saying they are “lucky” enough to have a high earning husband and so they can stay at home. Presumably this attitude encourages their daughters to try to recreate this luck.

Only thing I was taught was to be financially independent so I had other options but to stay with a man. I think the biggest risk is to make yourself vulnerable by having no money of your own, and that's definitely the only thing I was ever told...

*Total opposite from both my parents.
Never take on any financial responsibility with a partner that I couldn’t support in my own, really helped me out when me and my ex DP split just over a year ago and I bought him out of the house.

But what happens when a woman in a standard job (so not much room for career or pay progression) and she meets a man who happens to be a really good earner and they fall in love?

He wants them to live together and can afford to buy a nice house where he contributes more than her because of their difference in incomes, should she end the relationship because she then wouldn’t be able to afford the house on her own? I.e in your words, she would be taking on a financial responsibility that she can’t afford on her own.

Me and my husband both work and he earns twice as what I do, if we broke up I couldn’t afford to stay in this house on my own.

So what’s the answer?

Couples should only live a lifestyle that is on par with the lowest earners income?

I can't say i've seen it either.

There is some sense to be had in choosing a partner with a certain level of ambition though. I ended a relationship in my early twenties with a man who couldn't hold down a minimum wage job for more than 6 months without being sacked for lateness/laziness. I told him that I had worked hard for my degree and I didn't think he was capable of doing what was needed to achieve the lifestyle I wanted, and that I didn't want to struggle for money. Apparently that made me a gold digger!

@Twizbe

I dunno. My mum always told me never to depend on a man and to make my own money ....

Mine too.

I'm mid 40's. My mother actively discouraged me from further education. I had to stay in school to do my 'A' levels as she wanted the child benefit/maintenance and relevant grants etc. She made it difficult for me to go to university but I did find a local college to do a business degree. She always said I was to marry someone who had a nice car and took a briefcase to work to 'keep her in the custom to which she aspired'. She wasn't in the slightest bit encouraging when it came to anything educational, she was that certain I'd marry rich. 🙄

I've heard it several times, but then I used to be in slightly strange circles where titles v money were openly discussed.

I know women who have married for money and men who have as well. There are always going to be people who make that choice. It's not one I agree with and to me they are little more than prostituting themselves out for a big house and diamonds. But it's their lives.

My adopted daughter has her own money - her inheritance from her mother. When she reaches 25 she will be very wealthy and I worry that she - and her brother - will be prey to the type of person who is attracted to money not the person.

Whenever ive seen the odd comment on mumsnet there are approximately 999 posts saying what a crap idea that is

In my personal life I don’t know one single woman who has been told this by their mother or who have imparted the same advice to their daughters

I raised both of my daughters to be financially independent and they are both the highest earners in their relationships. The one who put in a significantly bigger house deposit, ring fenced it. Both plan to marry before having any children and continuing their careers.

The only gold digging I advocated was aiming for someone of a similar earning potential, to avoid resentment later and to make life financially easier, but ultimately they are both in relationships for love.

I'm yet to meet anyone who has married for money. I've known some very pretty young women who would have liked to have married for money, but didn't manage to do so (they're by no means poor but didn't manage to tie down a footballer or hedge fund manager.

I'm equipping DD to have as much earning power as she can. I expect her to look for a partner who is as funny, kind, clever and hardworking as she is, and hopefully they'll both be able to have a comfortable life.

Xenia says what OP says, all the time.
That the 'teaching' is subtle & modelled if not explicitly discussed. In fact, that if girls aren't explicitly taught (told) to be independent ambitious high earners then they easily fall into a trap of relying on someone else for financial security. That's why Xenia is so pushy about that message.

Can't believe I'm citing Xenia, but not all her ideas are bad...

I dunno enough people IRL to comment what "most people" do. But the common social practice of women relying on men financially obviously normalises women doing that. When people are in a position where that opportunity presents itself, that think it's ok because it's traditional and very commonplace. Regardless of whether it's wise. So Xenia may be on to something.

@lljkk

Xenia says what OP says, all the time. That the 'teaching' is subtle & modelled if not explicitly discussed. In fact, that if girls aren't explicitly taught (told) to be independent ambitious high earners then they easily fall into a trap of relying on someone else for financial security. That's why Xenia is so pushy about that message.

Can't believe I'm citing Xenia, but not all her ideas are bad...

I dunno enough people IRL to comment what "most people" do. But the common social practice of women relying on men financially obviously normalises women doing that. When people are in a position where that opportunity presents itself, that think it's ok because it's traditional and very commonplace. Regardless of whether it's wise. So Xenia may be on to something.

I'd agree with that.

@Sallygoround631

to marry into money? as opposed to taking are of themselves first?

I see this often on MN, and it makes me sad:(

There was a thread a few years back where many admitted their choice of partner was based on their earnings so it wouldn’t surprise me if that message was passed onto some children.

I won't be teaching her to prostitute herself

God no! I am advising my girls to work hard at school, aim for a career, keep working and to be independence. I have told them to think very carefully about whether they should bother with marriage and children, and not to get side tracked by what everyone else is doing. if they do decide to go for it make sure that their chosen partner is kind, has the same values and will want to be an equal participant in their life together.

I want to give them a different narrative to the one I grew up with and I hope I am leading by example (although I did the marriage and children bit, I hope I am modelling the rest, as DH is a good un.) They are only 9 and 11 but I hope by starting early they might listen 😀

I've only seen the opposite on MN

Awww, the poor, poor menz 🥺

You know men can be gold diggers/cocklodgers too? Are fathers teaching them to be that way?

Sexist bollocks.