to thin k women still teach their daughters

[Sallygoround631]

to marry into money?
as opposed to taking are of themselves first?

I see this often on MN, and it makes me sad:(

I was taught to follow my interests and make the most of my education. Marriage and any financial arrangements were never discussed. I guess they trusted me to be smart enough to work it out for myself. Like my father always said, it’s you life and it’s up to you how you live it. Neither parent ever told me to stay away from all men and their ‘rapey ways’ either. They told me to spend time around people who added to my life, not detracted from it and if someone made me miserable then to move on (make or female).

Our daughters are under ten so projecting here. A similar vein to your question i will teach them to be wary of partners who do not align with them financially / have the same attitude to money / aspirations.

In my view this is incredibly important for creating a harmonious future.

I can’t remember giving any such advice to dds. I suppose I just assumed that they’d make careers for themselves, and eventually go for a man who was worthy of them - i.e. intelligent, kind and solvent, certainly not some lazy deadbeat.
Thankfully that is what happened.

@OldScrappyAndHungry I’m surprised you think that. It’s very common for people to say to their daughters nope you’re not having a boyfriend until your 35 or you’re going to be a nun when your older or other such things and shut down any conversations about men.
When I’ve spoken to my friends without their DC present they have expressed concerns about their daughters future with regards to domestic violence or dating apps or porn habits etc.

Not really on MNs but in RL, my aunt was very keen for me to do so (as she did) but I couldn't be with someone I'm not physically attracted too 😆. My DH is hot!

However I would not be attracted to a man without a strong work ethic & ambition same as I expect of myself.

My mum would definitely have been a bit wary if I’d come home with a penniless musician or someone with zero ambition, but that’s because she knows me and that different aspirations like that would cause a clash.

But she’s mainly always encouraged me to be financially stable myself, and not to give up work after having DC.

I've noticed it on here really only over the last few years. Not so much the urge to marry into money, but more and more women who are not financially independent.
It's still a minority, certainly on MN, but it's a minority that definitely wasn't around 10 years ago. (I've been here since 2004)
I don't remember ever seeing any Mrs Bennetts around though, although obviously, if you're a female child and you've grown up seeing your Mum get her "wages" from your dad then when she tells you not to end up like her, you should maybe listen.

I don’t have a daughter (2 sons) but my Mum never taught me this. I am the higher earner in my marriage and we are both happy with this.

@Cocopogo

YABU I don’t think any mother teaches their daughter to marry, in to money or otherwise. Most women I know tell their daughter to stay the fuck away from men and their nasty, rapey ways.

Most women I know tell their daughter to stay the fuck away from men and their nasty, rapey ways

But how did the daughter come to be?

I was never taught to marry into money or advised that’s what I should, but I think my family are very happy that I am married to a man whose job means we can live a stable life. We are in no way “well off” but the fact my husband earns good money certainly makes our life easier.

I also have a son & will want them to marry a women of similar education/background.

@Cocopogo

YABU I don’t think any mother teaches their daughter to marry, in to money or otherwise. Most women I know tell their daughter to stay the fuck away from men and their nasty, rapey ways.

Wow! How disgusting is this comment

I don't know what to say to say to this

No... I’m raising my girls to work hard and stand on their own two feet.

Ive only ever heard this one time from a friend of a friend at a bbq
The woman doesnt work herself and at the time had 2 dds who she wanted to marry rich men so they didnt have to work.

Shes extremely unhappy...both her and husband have had affairs...her husband is abusive...but still as long as she doesn't need to work eh!

I have no respect for her at all

Surely you can actually teach both? I grew up with an understanding that I should learn to be independent, and to expect to have my own career. But at the same time, I also had an understanding that I should choose a ‘good provider’ if I wanted to marry and have children.

I have a pretty reasonable career, with a decent salary, but I’ve also taken a drastic career hit and likely pay cut as a result of having my children. I’ve mostly recovered it now, thankfully, but many women never do, especially if you don’t earn enough to easily justify childcare costs.

I mean, I don’t see much point in teaching the former (independence, hard work, good earnings), if she’s then going to shack up with a useless cocklodger. Surely it’s about building a team where both of you are driven and have good earning prospects.

@Cocopogo also, I will not be telling or teaching my daughter this for her to in turn to become absolutely terrified of her father/grandfather/uncles/cousins and any man walking past her in the street

You’re conflating two issues. 1) Marrying into money and 2) taking care of themselves first as if it should be one or the other.

Quite honestly most parents would encourage their kids to do BOTH, because women are systemically financially disadvantaged for most of their working lives. Until we....

Close the gender pay gap
Close the gender pensions gap
Close the gender caring gap (so men and women either take on equal caring responsibilities, for elderly parents as well as children, or at least so that women who do these roles are not disadvantaged in their careers, career progression and earnings)
Bring down the cost of childcare

... then quite honestly I hope parents will continue telling them kids how it really is.

Women need to work harder for longer and with more additional responsibilities just to earn the same as men in working life, and to hope for the same income in retirement.

Personally I will be telling my children (DD and DS) to:

1. Find careers which have both longevity and flexibility
2. To work to as senior (or at least well paid / qualified / established) a level as possible before having a family
3. Not to give up work without a clear pathway back but to flex hours to enjoy kids when they are young without taking a cut in income
4. and to always adapt to the world around them so they can work well into later life in a way that works for them.

All the things I wish I had been told when I was younger.

I must usually open very different threads to OP as I can't remember seeing it on here at all.

It is however right to think about your material well-being, and the implications of any big changes in your life on that. You don't need to be rich to be happy, but it really does help to think about what you're getting yourself in to, and if you as an individual will like it.

The decision whether to marry or not is probably the more important one in terms of financial future, because the first gives you legal underpinnings which make some mitigation if one spouse reduced their income/career trajectory for some years, whereas cohabiting does not. (Assuming one goes in to it expecting the best but planning for the worst)

I don't have a DD but my mum has never told me this in her life.

Surprised you see this often on MN, I don't and am a regular user.

I was brought up you look after yourself and make your own money. Even if a young woman is pretty and she marries for money so she doesn't have to work, looks fade and there is no guarantee the relationship will last.

However as pp said I was taught not to go for someone who is lazy / no ambition / no work ethic.

Surely the message should be that it's best to avoid either extreme...marrying for money and marrying someone who is lazy or financially illiterate. So tell our daughters to be ambitious and financially self-supporting and marry someone who is ambitious and financially self-supporting (AND who will do their share if children come along to ensure their wife doesn't have to give up her ambitions). The kicker is often when two ambitious, hardworking people have to cut back on their careers when children come and one partner makes it clear that they're not prepared to do that.

I think what's more concerning is the presumption and actual encouragement for women to become SAHMs or to go part time when they have children.

I'm not saying it's wrong per se but there should be more acknowledgement of the impact this has upon a woman's career development and financial independence.

How many times do we see threads where women are stuck in abusive or unhappy relationships because they can't afford to leave?

We would be much better to teach our children (sons and daughters) that childcare is a joint responsibility and that it shouldn't automatically be presumed that the mother will be the one to reduce her hours or take the financial hit.