I feel torn between husband & son

[Carmelle]

Hi,
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if he is!
I’m going to try and break this down to the point!
So I’m married (not to kids dad) got 3 teens now. My oldest sons 21 and still lives at home.
Last year son and his now ex had a baby. I love my grandson to death and as far as I’m concerned my son can have him here anytime he wants or needs.
But my husband is very aggy about it.
He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work. He said non of us consider him and if son wants to see his son more he needs to get his own place. (I don’t agree)
Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.
Iv just had to say no to my son having his son this week, because my husband said no.
I feel real shitty about it. We’ve already had so many arguments over this, so I’m trying to be sympathetic to my husband, but It’s not sitting right with me.
I don’t know if I’m being selfish,
Intolerant of my husband, or if he is being the selfish one!
In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.

Please help!

To be fair, the husband wants to get to sleep earlier than most as he gets up at 3am. That's pretty tough.

I'd say it just isn't working to have three adults two teens and a baby in a 3 bed house.

Is your son on the list for social housing? Your house is overcrowded with him and his baby.

I would support my son to be able to spend time with GC.

Making a plan and timescale for him to get his own place would help all of you.
Until then I'd tell DH to use earplugs.

Is ds's father helping out in this situation?

Is your son's father in the picture?

I was with my DP for twenty years. My older DC had left home when we met. We then had a child of our own and his children stayed regularly until one of them moved in with us. When my DGC came along I regularly had them to stay ,even as small babies , and he never objected and they called him grandad. I think he was honoured to be given that title when they also have two “biological” grandads. We have recently had a difficult separation and he is really missing seeing the grandchildren. Hopefully when it calms down they will see him again as they are teenagers now. He might have been an arse to me at the end but he had lots of time for them and never objected to them being there. Your husband needs to be a bit flexible. It’s early days and you need to help your son build a good relationship with his son . It’s good he is sharing responsibility despite being young .

Your son sleeps in the dining room? . It sounds like the house is too crowded, and getting up for work at 3 must be savage. Is there no way you can switch things up a bit so that it isn't disturbing his sleep as much?

Honestly some of the answers here are ridiculous saying son needs to move out, if the son could afford to move out then I’m guessing he would. Prices to rent are through the roof at the moment in a majority of the areas so it’s very much easier said then done.

The son seems to be stepping up and trying to be a good father. I would be supporting my son as much as I could and if that meant the baby stayed in my home then they would be very much welcome.

Your dh knew when he married you that having children, they’d produce grandchildren at some time

Many grandparents have their grandchildren over night and this is family life

Tell dh to get ear plugs so he won’t be disturbed

Can't believe some people suggesting kick the husband out!

It must be a difficult and thankless task at the best of times raising someone else's children, yet the DH has done just that for 12 years. Now that the kids are older and he wants to be able to sleep, undisturbed, in his own home when he's up at 3am suddenly he's some selfish ogre who needs kicking to the curb?! Never mind the 12yrs he's raised someone else's children! Unbelievable.

Your DH is being unreasonable, OP.

He could wear ear plugs or headphones to sleep on the odd occasion your DGC slept over. The fact that he won't speaks volumes.

I bet he wouldnt be banning his own biological GCs, that's the kicker here.

And the suggestions that 21 year old DS should just move out into a bed sit with a baby in tow? I think some people on here are still stuck in a 1980s mindset where you moved out at 17 into digs then got a mortgage at 21.

And those that suggested your DS should've thought about all this before he had the DC....literally the most unhelpful comment ever.

OP, I would tell your DH to suck this one up. If he is genuinely struggling with lack of sleep, he can wear ear plugs, problem solved.

And look into longer term housing options for your DS as him sleeping in the dining room is not great really. Perhaps housing association?

It's his wife's house as well and why should he dictate what visitors she has?

Well, that’s the whole issue, isn’t it? Equally, why should she be able to dictate what visitors he has?

Everyone is being reasonable to want their living space to be how they want it to be. Anyone looking to impose their own preferences on another person is unreasonable. There’s an impasse here that needs to be worked through. Shouting YABU, suck it up, isn’t remotely helpful.

I think stop the midweek overnight stay as a compromise - your husband needs a good night's sleep before work. Your son is doing well and needs your support but your husband needs you to listen as well. Have the 3 of you sat down and talked about what the future might look like? Are you going to be able to help your son get a flat when the time is right? If your husband can see hope on the horizon he might be more amenable.

@ExhaustedGrinch

Why should the OP feel grateful to the DH for raising her DCs?

I have 3 DCs from my 1st marriage and am married again.

I'll be buggered if I should feel gratitude to my DH for taking us on like we were a bloody charity case and we'd be in the gutter if it wasn't for him.

The DH here had the choice.

He chose to marry someone with 3 DCs and become part of that family. DCs just don't disappear when they turn 18.

Send your DH to a hotel twice a month. I find it quite funny how so many are suggesting for your son to get his own place. Exactly what can you get for a part time wage that would be baby appropriate? Not a chance would I ask my son to leave.
Not ideal for your husband, but he should accept it.

How much truly is your son trying to adapt the child’s time in the house to accommodate his step father?

I agree you need to be there for your son - your support could be the one thing which ultimate leads to bonding and a healthy relationship for them both in the long term - so a massive impact on the future mental health of your grandchild.

But not if you’re doing most of the work, or if your son is behaving in an entitled way. He needs to step up and that may mean doing the negotiating with his step dad and agreeing some compromised so a binman gets enough sleep before going out to drive a lorry all day.

Your son should be welcome but he should also be working hard to fit in with the rest of the family and their needs.

Nothing you have said suggests he isn’t but it does feel like you are skirting the issue of how much your son is trying to support his stepdad’s sleep and the household’s peace generally.

If the OP was saying her DS was refusing to have his baby for overnight stays people would be slating him for not taking his responsibilities as a dad seriously. Yet he's working, studying and wanting to properly co-parent his son, in a climate where it'll be nigh on impossible for him to afford accommodation suitable to take a child to. Once he's finished studying and can work full time then he should be better able to get a decent place, but he's doing the right thing now, to help himself have a decent career going forwards.

I think the Dh is being unreasonable - it's not as if it's for every night of the week. This is currently the DS's home, and he should be able to have his own baby stay with him in his own home.

A night or 2 every week? PLUS alternate weekends? He's being a CF!!!

It would be different if your son had his own home, but your HUSBAND, who I presume co-owns your/his home, has to get up to work every day at 3am!! Sorry but your husband's wishes come first. Why can't your son have the baby during the day but not nights? Your husband who has a laborious job can't even go a fortnight without having his entire weekend off from work interrupted. This is something your son should have considered last year, he had basically 9 months to consider what he was going to do re custody/visitation etc.

Your son is being selfish, a CFer and completely unreasonable. Your husband's job needs come first. Or, that's at least, how it should be. Time your son grew up and started considering others in the household not just himself.

Such an unfortunate situation, OP.
Like you, it would be obvious to me to want to support my adult DC by making my home available. Like you, I have definitely had times when I have thought that life would be less complicated if DP wasn't here.
People suggesting your DS moves out have no idea, so please don't take their comments to heart. A priority here, beside facilitating your son's relationship with his DS, is to support your DS through his college course which will likely hold the key to increased potential income and the possibility to support himself and his DS in the not too distant future.
I'd set out a timeline; however long until your DS finishes college, that's phase one, and during that time, everyone sucks it up and nobody makes DS feel guilty or like an imposition. Perhaps change the schedule to suit your DP's work, but bottom line is that your DS and DGS are welcome. Phase two is when he is searching for work, and his schedule is likely to change, so may need to change contact schedule again, and perhaps require some childcare support. Phase 3 is when he finds accommodation of his own, way down the line.

I can see both sides of this too, I’m not sure why your son at 21 is still doing college part time and working part time, I’m guessing there is a story there.

But there is one of your husband and five of you crammed into a house too small and it must be difficult. Especially if he has to get up so early. He likely expected your kids to grow up, do uni etc and not have this situation on his hands. Lack of sleep is difficult.

I can also see what your side is, and I’d be the same, of course you want to provide a home for your son and have your grandson come stay

I think you need to speak to your son and come to a compromise. He needs to sort out his custody arrangements so he sees his child often enough but doesn’t cause problems for your husband when doing it. If that means over night stops till he is in a position to finance his own life properly then so be it, he will need to drop off in the evening and pick up the next day, and put himself out. And the mother I guess.but she will need to understand she had a child with someone who is not financially stable and doesn’t have his own home, and his current home is not suitable for over nights.

Bloody hell, I'm with you on this one. I don't think people appreciate how hard it is these days for youngsters to get their own plsvt. At least your son is stepping up to the mark and being a good dad and looking after his baby. I think your DH is being totally unreasonable and acting like a big baby himself. He knew you had kids when you got together, if your son was biologically his would he be more understanding. Or is he generally a grumpy sod?

Does he have his own kids? I must admit in my days of online dating I avoided men without children as they seemed to be very selfish and think the world revolved around them .

Your Son needs to find his own place, he’s a dad now and he needs to step up. Your DH needs to be more understanding of a temporary situation, it’s a couple of nights a week. Sit them both down and tell them they need to compromise for now and work on getting your son accommodation

Your house is overcrowded. Is your son on the housing list?

@Redjumper1

Your house is overcrowded. Is your son on the housing list?

I think a whole lot of people don't realise these 'lists' are totally outdated and in many areas, there's no social housing available just because you procreated - there's perhaps loans to cover deposits for private lets but that's about it. Also the rules have changed for under 25s and even under 35s who don't have primary custody of a dependent as to what the housing element of UC will cover.

Then there are those who still believe there is a 'housing ladder'.

Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend

& This is what your Husband views as disturbance? Nowhere near regular visits, is it?

He is being unkind. This is your Son and your Grandson, he presumably knew you had a family and now he wants you all to himself, and to exclude.

Those saying your Son should leave home are not in the real world so they're unaware how hard it is out there. I don't get this style of immediately they have a child they must leave, either.

Your Husband can get noise cancelling earphone, OP. Suggest it and see what he says. Unfortunately I bet he won't be up for that as he wants it to be you and he only.

I know who I'd want to get lost in this situation if they couldn't compromise

I would be telling my husband that the grandchild can stay over and if he doesnt like it, then move out or stay somewhere else those days. He needs to get used to it. The baby wont be disturbing peoples sleep forever, but your son may need support still if he is to build and keep a decent bond with his baby. Thats much more of an important issue here imo.
Id feel so resentful of my husband if he acted like this about the grandchild.

My mums husband is grandad to my kids despite not being my real dad and only knowing me as an adult, and my dp thinks of ds1 as his own and no different to our other kids to him

Your DH is a bin man and gets up at 3am? Then surely he's used to having to go to bed early and the possibility of noise in the evening after he's gone to bed. He's being very unreasonable IMO.

And the posters who say if the son is old enough to procreate he's old enough to pay for a place of his own- would they say that to a 16 year old? The DS works part time and attends college.

The DH needs to be happy the grandchild isn't living in the house 100% of the time.