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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel torn between husband & son

486 replies

Carmelle · 02/05/2021 21:07

Hi,
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if he is!
I’m going to try and break this down to the point!
So I’m married (not to kids dad) got 3 teens now. My oldest sons 21 and still lives at home.
Last year son and his now ex had a baby. I love my grandson to death and as far as I’m concerned my son can have him here anytime he wants or needs.
But my husband is very aggy about it.
He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work. He said non of us consider him and if son wants to see his son more he needs to get his own place. (I don’t agree)
Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.
Iv just had to say no to my son having his son this week, because my husband said no.
I feel real shitty about it. We’ve already had so many arguments over this, so I’m trying to be sympathetic to my husband, but It’s not sitting right with me.
I don’t know if I’m being selfish,
Intolerant of my husband, or if he is being the selfish one!
In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.

Please help!

OP posts:
BuffyFanForever · 03/05/2021 04:03

You seem lovely and trying to be respectful to everyone. Your husband needs to suck it up and get some ear plugs. You obviously need to support your son and want to get to know your grandson. I’m sure your son would love his own place but let him save up and get one.

wombat1a · 03/05/2021 04:07

Sorry you're DS is the issue here, you are already overcrowded and now he wants to bring a baby into that a few times a week knowing that one member of the household has to be up at 3am. Totally unreasonable of you and DS..

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/05/2021 04:15

Well he's not unreasonable to not want a baby disturbing him, but it's his grandchild fgs!
I couldn't chuck my son out to live in some shitty flat alone and have his baby stay there, just because my husband was a bit pissed off that his sleep was disturbed a couple of times a week. Most people on here will say "time he got his own place"blah blah blah, but the reality is he can't afford his own place at the moment, so what does he do? Because find his own place isn't the solution, and now he's having to refuse to have his child because his step father is being a selfish twat.

AntiHop · 03/05/2021 04:16

@Laaaayla

21 is not an unreasonable age to still be living at home these days. I’d far rather my grandchild was spending time at mine than in a bedsit or a dodgy flat share.
I agree Housing is expensive.
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/05/2021 04:19

Oh and the argument that "if he's old enough to procreate, he's old enough to get his own place is bullshit". People can procreate as soon as they've been through puberty, so 12 and sometimes even younger.

Zaane · 03/05/2021 04:51

@scotsllb

I'm quite shocked at some of these responses. The ones about not wanting to have toddlers or young kids in your house again. Is that not quite cold? These children are family and it takes a village to raise a child. I think it's ok for DH to be a bi annoyed his sleep is disrupted but he shouldn't be saying the child isn't welcome. He's the OPs stepdad, shouldn't matter if the GS isn't biological they live as a family and family pull together. Surely the relationship between the son and his child and grandparents is something to be cherished. I don't know, I think it's really sad that these little kids are seen as an annoyance
I'm quite shocked too, with some of the responses. Just because he fathered a son at 20 doesn't mean he is prepared for it! Have some poaters never heard of accidental pregnancies? And some posters definitely are some of the coldest people to be saying such things about grandchildren, esp babies and toddlers!
GLTM · 03/05/2021 05:05

Your son needs the help more than your husband. I think your husband is being very selfish.

MeadowLines · 03/05/2021 05:11

I think your dh is being U. So if hes up at 3am then he goes to bed early enough to ensure he gets sufficient sleep - and being woken once in that time for a baby, eow and maybe once or twice during the week is not so bad for a child he considers his gc?! My dh gets up at 4am and really isnt such an a*hole about it - he gets more sleep than me because he is very strict about an early bedtime because of his early wake up time. So your dh needs to ensure he gets sufficient sleep to not be an ase.

I had a child young and I think its really sad that a young man who is studying and working and is doing his best to take care of his son when he has custody is being treated this way. He needs the support of being at home and I think Id be having stern words with dh about his attitude. When he married someone with kids, he took them and all the eventualities of that situation on

Quincie · 03/05/2021 05:41

PP assumes DH is woken once in the night ? The baby could be crying all evening and in the night. Poor DH gets up at 3.
We don't know the facts but if every effort NOT to wake him isn't being taken, and the OP seems to be pretty disinterested in his wellbeing, I'm on the working DHs side.

fistasledge · 03/05/2021 05:58

I think there are 2 crucial elements to this:
*Your DH gets up at 3am for work so needs a good sleep

Your DS (and baby?) sleep in the dining room downstairs
*
/
So when the baby goes to bed and presumably this can take some time and tears, it affects everyone downstairs trying to have an evening?

And the baby waking 'just once' will probably be in the early hours which is close enough to your DHs wake up time that he'd probably struggle to get back to sleep

I think with these two things in mind, your DH isn't unreasonable to want to have baby free nights on his working days

And your language around the care of the bag suggests you do a lot of the leg work. Of course this is lovely but your DS should start planning to be more independent.

fistasledge · 03/05/2021 05:59

Baby, not bag! Whoops

PoppenhuisStories · 03/05/2021 06:03

A third DSC living in the living room with a baby visiting regularly, I can see why DH is annoyed. You’re overcrowded and it must be a pretty unhappy way for him to live. Can the other two children not share a room so DSS at least has his own room he can stay in? I’d be less concerned about the baby visiting and more concerned about the fact it’s in the living room. Surely the arrangements can be improved?

KatherineJaneway · 03/05/2021 06:11

If I suggested ear plugs my husband would say "why should I?!"

I had sympathy for your dh until he said this. Yes it is his home but he has choices like ear plugs or noise cancelling headphones. Also it's not like it is forever.

scotsllb · 03/05/2021 06:20

@Delectable

Can you and your son approach his biological dad for help?

21 might be old enough to impregnate a female but not necessarily mature enough to father a child. In fact, that he had unprotected sex at 20 without savings and an immediate plan to move out shows he still needs a lot of direction and guidance.

Can he spend time at his dad's with his baby?

I understand your husband's position. He's a man and you should be devoted to him not an adult child or grandchild. To top it up your grandchild and son and male. They're in direct contention for quality time at a point where he must've imagined the house will begin to get quieter.

I salute partners who marry others with children especially when they don't have any of theirs. It requires selflessness, graciousness and generosity. I assume your husband has been there for your 3 children financially and otherwise or are you solely financially responsible for your children? Does their dad do his bit?

If you make this man more uncomfortable or leave him you might end up regretting it.

Is this a wind up?
Twoforthree · 03/05/2021 06:23

I think neither are you wrong, however since you love seeing your grandson anyway in its own right, and it's also in the best interests of your ds and dgs, then I think dh should get earplugs and be the one to compromise. Having said that, it is a big ask as it is not unreasonable of him to want peace and quiet at this stage in your life, so acknowledge that and hope that he loves you all enough to put up with the situation.

I must admit it would make me question the depth of his love for us all if he won't consider earplugs.

CiderJolly · 03/05/2021 06:26

It sounds like your son has a lot on his plate and I would be so proud of him for juggling all that he is and would support him as much as possible.

I sympathise with your husband but he knew you had kids when he married you.

Son first, every time.

TeacupDrama · 03/05/2021 06:32

Her DH is a bin man, now many people may think sleep is not that important. However if her DH is tired when driving a bin lorry it is lethal. A few years ago people were killed when a bin lorry driver had a medical problem his colleagues couldn't stop lorry ( l know there were other factors) when you are older you just can't cope function with broken sleep the way you did when younger . Asking for no overnights on work nights seereasonable but nights at weekends is ok, may DH also feels he is not supposed to get breakfast normally at 3pm in case he disturbs baby. Those that own a house have equal say, maybe if some actually acknowledged the difficulty this causes DH it would go much further than the suck it up buttercup you're not important attitude

TwilightSkies · 03/05/2021 06:42

I understand your husband's position. He's a man and you should be devoted to him not an adult child or grandchild.

Really? Why?
Devoting yourself to a man Hmm Where is his devotion to his wife and her family?

Standrewsschool · 03/05/2021 06:47

I think it’s commendable that your son wants an active part in his son’s life. Normally in these situations mn will be saying that he needs to go to court to formalise access, payments etc.

CutieBear · 03/05/2021 06:55

Your son needs to work full time and rent a flat. He could do an online college course so he can spend more time working and less time in college. He has a DC now so he needs to step up his game.

Saying that, your husband sounds like a whiny brat having a toddler tantrum. Yes, your DS needs full time work and rent a flat, but you shouldn’t allow your husband to ban your DS from seeing his DC!

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/05/2021 06:57

As long as your son's the one looking after his child then I think it's OK. I'd be disappointed in my son if he didn't want his child overnight.

Allwokedup · 03/05/2021 06:58

I can see both sides, it’s a tough one. How is your husband with your kids in other ways, is he generally tolerant of them? Good relationship? If yes then maybe I’d let this go. If this was just the latest in a long line of controlling/my way or highway behaviour then I’d be thinking seriously about my marriage.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/05/2021 07:04

If he wasn't old enough to get out and support himself on his own he wasnt old enough to have a child.

He is in fact old enough to do both. Of course he has it more comfortable living with you but he is bvu asking for overnight childcare every other weekend and a weeknight! It's his child to put up with the sleepless nights, not yours/your husbands.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/05/2021 07:08

Sorry i misread your posts OP, it's not childcare he wants just to have his own child visit?

Normally for that I would say yanbu but it sounds like your house is crowded and your DS doesnt have his own room? It does sound regardless like he needs to move out and get his own place. The only justification not to is if it's so he can afford to pay extra maintenance to the child's mother.

Onlinedilema · 03/05/2021 07:15

You are overcrowded.
In fairness to the dh it isn’t easy when you get older to ‘just go back to sleep.’
Neither dh nor I can ‘just go back to sleep.’
At 21 yes sure I could but not now and I say this as an adult without any children living here.
I think if dh sleep is disturbed then it’s unreasonable for the 21 year old dad to have the baby sleep over mid week. Fine at weekends but not mud week.
Also does the dad do everything for his child or does he leave it to his mum like the majority of dads I have encountered?
He needs to be taking his child out in the fresh air everyone time he has him and ensuring he gets to sleep.
Perhaps he should be getting a full time Jon and studying in dis spare ribs like lots of other people do. Then getting a place if his own to live in.
I do sympathise but he now needs to adapt his lifestyle to the one he has chosen.

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