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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel torn between husband & son

486 replies

Carmelle · 02/05/2021 21:07

Hi,
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if he is!
I’m going to try and break this down to the point!
So I’m married (not to kids dad) got 3 teens now. My oldest sons 21 and still lives at home.
Last year son and his now ex had a baby. I love my grandson to death and as far as I’m concerned my son can have him here anytime he wants or needs.
But my husband is very aggy about it.
He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work. He said non of us consider him and if son wants to see his son more he needs to get his own place. (I don’t agree)
Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.
Iv just had to say no to my son having his son this week, because my husband said no.
I feel real shitty about it. We’ve already had so many arguments over this, so I’m trying to be sympathetic to my husband, but It’s not sitting right with me.
I don’t know if I’m being selfish,
Intolerant of my husband, or if he is being the selfish one!
In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.

Please help!

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/05/2021 09:09

@Redjumper1

Your house is overcrowded. Is your son on the housing list?
Yes because he will be first priority. They aren't technically over crowded and he doesn't have a child that lives with him full time. Could take years to get a council house.
MandalaYogaTapestry · 03/05/2021 09:12

A 14-year old can physically father a baby, doesn't mean he can stand on his own two feet and get his own place 🙄

MintyMabel · 03/05/2021 09:12

Of course all the “he’s an adult, he made a baby, cut him off” idiots are out in force.

Anyone asking for an ultimatum between them and my daughter would lose, no matter how old she was.

When you marry someone with children, they come as a package. If you don’t like that, you shouldn’t do it.

He’d be out on his ear if it were me.

KurtWilde · 03/05/2021 09:13

Some posters on this thread clearly don't live in the real world. OP is supporting her son through college and through the early part of parenting. That'a what families do.

OP I'm afraid I'd be digging my heels in on this one. This is your son and grandson and your husband is being unkind. If this is a major problem for him I'd be taking a close look at my marriage.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 03/05/2021 09:15

@Sceptre86

I think yabu , it is you dh's home too and his thoughts and feelings should matter. Your son is young at 21 granted, however if he decided to have a child then he needs to be able to take care of him and that means not relying on you. He should look towards getting his own place and then have his son over as much as he wants. Who does the bulk of the childcare when your grandson is at yours?

My colleague went through a similar experience when her son split from his ex and the two grandchildren would come and stay with their dad at my colleague's home. She found that the ex or son never discussed when the kids would be over with them directly and it impacted on their social life. For instance they felt they couldn't have friends over for drinks and music if the kids had to be in bed by 7. They worked all week and just wanted to chill out on the weekends. The only difference was they were both the parents of the son. They did support this for a few months and then helped him find a cheap place to rent and gave him a deposit and kitted out his flat. They still see their grandchildren regularly (pre covid) but it was more on their terms. Would you consider doing something like this? What does your dh think should happen? Have you discussed it?

I'd venture to guess that OP's son didn't much deciding in having this baby. Rather the ex fell pregnant by accident, decided to keep it and he was presented with the situation
Erictheavocado · 03/05/2021 09:17

Sounds to me as though your D's is doing his best to be a dad in difficult circumstances. Sadly, I am not surprised by many of the responses on here. The assumption that the baby was a choice - has no-one on here never had a contraceptive failure! I agree with those who say it is not easy for a young person to just find their own home these days, especially one who is working part time and studying. Hopefully, studying now will help command a better income in the future , which will enable OP's DS to move out. In the meantime, it is to his credit that he has not just walked away from his responsibilities and if I were his parent I would definitely want to support him in that decision. As a couple of pp's have said, even now, in my late 50's, I know I would always have a bed at my mum's house if I needed one, just as my adult dcs know there is a bed here for them should they need it.

UseMyName · 03/05/2021 09:19

Ah these women who magically fall pregnant without the father being to do anything to prevent it Hmm

RachelRaven · 03/05/2021 09:20

it is to his credit that he has not just walked away from his responsibilities
I truly believe you need to raise your expectations of men. He isnt due credit for not abandoning his child ffs. That’s basic human decency.

EmeraldShamrock · 03/05/2021 09:20

You're definitely not being selfish, your DH is using the baby as an excuse to test your loyalty which is pathetic.
Has he always shown jealousy towards DS over your affection, sounds like he is jealous of the baby.
If he gets up at 3am he should be used to sleeping through noise or some disturbance.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 03/05/2021 09:21

I’d love to see where some of these posters telling Op that her son needs to move out live.

I live in one of the cheapest parts of the U.K., and even then there’s not a cats chance in hell that a college student on part time hours with child support to pay could afford a 1bed flat and bills.

The situation is shit no doubt, but if it was a choice between supporting my son while he did the right thing or telling him he was on his own then there’s really only one option.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/05/2021 09:23

This is your Son and your Grandson, he presumably knew you had a family and now he wants you all to himself, and to exclude.

You must have missed there are already two adults and 3 children and the son is sleeping in the living room with the baby. This man is a million miles away from having OP to himself Hmm

Chillychangchoo · 03/05/2021 09:25

I think you should prioritise your son and grandson for the time being. It’s not as simple these days just to move out with the cost of living. Maybe if your husband was your sons biological dad he might feel differently about the situation.

Yes he’s old enough to have a child but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve some help. He’s still young.

MintMatchmaker · 03/05/2021 09:28

Earplugs may not be a solution if an early alarm needs to be heard!

AbsolutelyPatsy · 03/05/2021 09:29

oh, he is a bin man with early starts, then i think that is fair enough, difficult situation. hopefully the lo will start to sleep a bit better soon.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/05/2021 09:30

@ExhaustedGrinch

Can't believe some people suggesting kick the husband out!

It must be a difficult and thankless task at the best of times raising someone else's children, yet the DH has done just that for 12 years. Now that the kids are older and he wants to be able to sleep, undisturbed, in his own home when he's up at 3am suddenly he's some selfish ogre who needs kicking to the curb?! Never mind the 12yrs he's raised someone else's children! Unbelievable.

Eh, who made him? It was his choice.
Chillychangchoo · 03/05/2021 09:32

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Absolutely. It was his choice. Lots of martyrs now I’m noticing “well I brought them up and I wasn’t even their real father”. They expect to be owed something big. I see this dynamic a lot now I’m older.

EasterEggBelly · 03/05/2021 09:41

I don’t think your DH is BU but despite this in your situation I’d still prioritise my son and my grandchild. Rightly or wrongly.

YorkiePanda · 03/05/2021 09:48

All those saying that he’d feel differently if it was his biological grandchild - not all grandparents want to be highly involved with childcare, especially if they’re still working. Doesn’t mean they don’t love their DGSs.

PomegranateQueen · 03/05/2021 09:55

If the baby is only waking up once a night, it sounds like your husband is just trying to make you choose him over your DC and DGC.

Yes he is biologically old enough to father a child, but these days it's very difficult financially to live an independant life. It would also be very cold to leave a young parent to thier own devices. Sounds like he wants to be a good father, he's balancing work and college and seeing his child regularly. The DGC's mum may want a weekday rather than every weekend if she is working or at college during the week so she can enjoy fun time with her child too, this will benefit OP's DGC.

Those judging this young man need to give thier head a wobble. This situation can happen to anyone who has sex under the age of 21, no contraception is 100% effective.

ilovebrie8 · 03/05/2021 10:03

Very difficult in fact impossible nowadays for a 21 year old to afford a home plus bills while studying. I think you should be supporting him not considering telling him to go...your DH is being unreasonable i wouldn’t be happy at his attitude over this not at all I think it’s got a nasty undertone. Accidents happen it could happen to anyone not all contraception works 100% of the time. Has your DH shown this sort of attitude before?

lockdownalli · 03/05/2021 10:11

I just cannot imagine prioritising a man over my child.

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 10:14

@ExhaustedGrinch

Can't believe some people suggesting kick the husband out!

It must be a difficult and thankless task at the best of times raising someone else's children, yet the DH has done just that for 12 years. Now that the kids are older and he wants to be able to sleep, undisturbed, in his own home when he's up at 3am suddenly he's some selfish ogre who needs kicking to the curb?! Never mind the 12yrs he's raised someone else's children! Unbelievable.

Exactly! People on this thread have very warped and disturbing views.

The husband HAS to wake at 3am for work.

The son does NOT HAVE to have his son on overnights (I would have thought the baby was far too young to spend one night overnight, let alone an entire weekend!), he can have his child during the day.

So, which is non-negotiable and which isn't? Which is urgent, and which isn't.

Is it negotiable for when her son has his son, during day or during night? YES. Is it urgent for him to have his son overnight, every...second....weekend, AND two nights in the middle of the week? NO.

Is it negotiable when the husband works? NO. Is it urgent for the husband to get up at 3am and go to work? YES.

That, is what it boils down to. NEEDS, vs wants. The husband NEEDS to go to work, the son does NOT 'need' to have his son at night. The son can have the baby during the day, at least until he's two or three years old and can sleep through without crying/screaming.

I think day visits only until the baby is two or three, is a fair enough compromise.

And I also think maybe OP's household relies on her husband having his job and earning a living, and if I deciphered her post (she said her DH is a Bin 'Nan' I am presuming she means Bin Man, ie garbage man), her husband works with big, heavy industrial equipment. If he did something wrong due to lack of sleep and was sacked, could she cope with the lack of income? Or if he had an accident due to lack of sleep and hurt himself or worse, could she live with that?

Common sense says she must priorities the NEEDS of her husband, over the 'wants' of her son. Working with big heavy industrial equipment is no joke, and if she needs her husband's income, she'd best get her priorities straight and ensure DH is best equipped to work with big heavy industrial equipment.

Otherwise, if she can cope if DH has a workplace accident that incapacitates him or worse, or becomes unemployed, prioritise the irresponsible son and then cope on only one income.

ElphabaTWitch · 03/05/2021 10:17

My home will always be home for my kids. And their kids. And if I’m still around, their kids will always be welcome here. If dh didn’t want this then why did he marry a woman with theee kids? Surely this all
Goes without saying in the path of life? It’s not like dgs is there every night and disturbing the household and everyone is running in empty and trying to work. Dh is being unreasonable in my opinion. The theee of you need to sit and talk and find out what steps son is taking to move out. But the way things are going I imagine my kids may still be with me into their 40’s!! So hard to afford a home right now ! And you and dh need to talk about what he thinks is acceptable. If he things dgs should never be there overnight etc then he’s totally unreasonable. Then it’s up to you how to move forward.

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 10:18

@lockdownalli

I just cannot imagine prioritising a man over my child.
@lockdownalli I just cannot imagine prioritising the 'wants' of my son who can choose to have his child during the day instead of the night, over my husband who HAS NO CHOICE in what time he works and the fact he works with big heavy industrial equipment and has to go to work at 3am. If OP can handle her husband being sacked and him being unemployed and not having his income, fine. But the NEEDS of the husband to work, over-ride the 'wants' of a 21 year old man.
Flowerlane · 03/05/2021 10:28

How many days a week does your husband work? If he does mon-Friday then why can the baby not stay Friday nights and Saturday nights so that the husband doesn’t get woken the night before work?