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Original poster

I feel torn between husband & son

486 replies

Carmelle · 02/05/2021 21:07

Hi,
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if he is!
I’m going to try and break this down to the point!
So I’m married (not to kids dad) got 3 teens now. My oldest sons 21 and still lives at home.
Last year son and his now ex had a baby. I love my grandson to death and as far as I’m concerned my son can have him here anytime he wants or needs.
But my husband is very aggy about it.
He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work. He said non of us consider him and if son wants to see his son more he needs to get his own place. (I don’t agree)
Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.
Iv just had to say no to my son having his son this week, because my husband said no.
I feel real shitty about it. We’ve already had so many arguments over this, so I’m trying to be sympathetic to my husband, but It’s not sitting right with me.
I don’t know if I’m being selfish,
Intolerant of my husband, or if he is being the selfish one!
In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.

Please help!

OP posts:
SeaTurtles92 · 02/05/2021 23:42

In this situation I'd help my son. He's trying to be an active role in his sons live and your husband whinges and you abide to your husbands rules.

Does your husband have any of his own kids and has always been a twat?

Bul21ia · 02/05/2021 23:44

Does your Son have a goal job wise? Is he saving OP?

What about the ex has she got her own place?

I’m torn as your Son is in the dining room and it’s not practical. How old is the baby OP?

SeaTurtles92 · 02/05/2021 23:44

Life* also for the people saying time he moves out. If only it was that easy for the younger generation now.

Bul21ia · 02/05/2021 23:49

@UserAtRandom

Noise aside there is now 3 adults, 2 teens and a baby in a 3 bedroom house. That's got to be hard for everyone. What do your other children think about it? You've not mentioned this at all, but I imagine it must be difficult for them as well.

I'm finding it quite interesting that OP initially described her 21 year old as a teen. Suggests that she's mentally thinking of him as younger than he actually is.

Excellent point. I wonder how the others feel and cope.
U2HasTheEdge · 03/05/2021 00:07

I feel for you OP.

It really isn't easy to get a place to live at that age. My son has been trying to get his own place, but no one wants to private rent to someone young it seems and getting on the council is a joke.

It is looking very likely that I will be in a similar situation as you soon. I won't go into details, but I understand what it is like when you and your husband disagree on something like this and when there are no easy answers or solutions. You are wanting to support your son to be the best father he can be, and ultimately, that is a hill I would be willing to die on.

Tambora · 03/05/2021 00:09

Does your husband have any grandchildren?

MonkeyNotOrgangrinder · 03/05/2021 00:11

I'd kick the husband out 🤷‍♀️

MissTrip82 · 03/05/2021 00:35

Don’t really see the argument that if he’s mature enough to have a kid he’s mature enough to do x/y/z.

He’s not really mature enough to have a kid. He’s not even able to support himself yet. Regardless - it’s happened and it’s right and natural that the OP wants to help.

Is there at least an end in sight? When does your son finish his training and will he be in a position to support himself and move out when that happens? Might be easier to negotiate with your husband if there’s a clear end date.

Twoobles · 03/05/2021 00:54

Your husband is a dick. I guarantee if it was his grandson by “blood” he’d be a lot happier about it.

Honestly, I couldn’t be married to a man who didn’t treat my grandson and son as family. And I say this as someone who moved into my first home a month before giving birth (so it’s not as if I stayed at home and did the same hence defending your son). You’re helping your son which any decent parent would do in regards to saving for a place. Your husband is just a shitty, self centred, grumpy man.

Foodisascience · 03/05/2021 01:09

A compromise would be weekend only and it sounds like your DH is objecting due to the noise. Your house is really over crowded as it is.

Sparklfairy · 03/05/2021 01:14

Tough one. On the one hand, DS is an adult and a father and should be acting accordingly by sorting out a place of his own.

On the other hand, if DS was a DD, forced to move back in with you with a baby to flee DV for example, I doubt anyone here would be on your husband's side when he whines about needing his sleep.

Can you agree it as a temporary measure, with a firm time limit, and make a plan (get DS to make a plan) as to what he needs to do to be able to get his own place? Possibly help him with deposit, whilst he looks for other work or ups his hours?

It's difficult. A baby at that age when he's at college was never going to be easy. And he cant just assume that life carries on as it was.

insurancedrama · 03/05/2021 01:14

Technically your husband is right, but I couldn't see me doing this to my son and grandson. It's a tough one.

Rejoiningperson · 03/05/2021 01:20

People who are her husband is a dick are being very unfair. It is totally reasonable when you are a step parent to have some say in the home that you share and pay for, and unfortunately for the OP and her son, they can’t both have their cake and eat it.

OP cannot have everything she wants. People who say ‘they are in the middle’ I find are the people who are wanting more than others can compromise on, and avoiding that they are treating at least one person very unfairly.

The son made a decision when he had unprotected sex. It’s tough but there it is. A child has arrived now and he has to man up quicker. He can’t reasonably expect Mum to house him while he finds his feet, as he already decided he could walk when he made that decision to be a father.

earthyfire · 03/05/2021 01:20

My son would come first. If I wanted my grandchild to stay at my house no man would be telling me otherwise.

Tavannach · 03/05/2021 01:25

Your son should get onto the housing register if he isn’t already, and then explain that he has part-time custody of his son and you are overcrowded, and his stepfather wants him to leave because it’s interfering with his ability to do his work.
With the eczema it might be worth a cal to the GP to see if there’s something that could help.
It’s good that your son is involved with your grandson and he should be supported in this. If the housing department can help house your son it would be easier for your husband if he knows there’s an end in sight to the disruption.

JustLyra · 03/05/2021 01:38

Did your husband have issues with your DS before the baby?

Laaaayla · 03/05/2021 01:40

Yeah your husband is right but it wouldn’t matter to me. I’d still help my son. I’d still put him first. Rightly or wrongly 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dddccc · 03/05/2021 01:44

Sound like he is just saying no to sleep over during the week no the weekend he is up at 3am for work I hate to keep getting woken up on a work night, I think for now you are going to have to compromise ie child can say over on the nights he is not at work and like others say your son could move out but its his home too I think you are all going to have to sit down and work it out

Delectable · 03/05/2021 02:43

Can you and your son approach his biological dad for help?

21 might be old enough to impregnate a female but not necessarily mature enough to father a child. In fact, that he had unprotected sex at 20 without savings and an immediate plan to move out shows he still needs a lot of direction and guidance.

Can he spend time at his dad's with his baby?

I understand your husband's position. He's a man and you should be devoted to him not an adult child or grandchild. To top it up your grandchild and son and male. They're in direct contention for quality time at a point where he must've imagined the house will begin to get quieter.

I salute partners who marry others with children especially when they don't have any of theirs. It requires selflessness, graciousness and generosity. I assume your husband has been there for your 3 children financially and otherwise or are you solely financially responsible for your children? Does their dad do his bit?

If you make this man more uncomfortable or leave him you might end up regretting it.

Delectable · 03/05/2021 02:45

@Laaaayla

Yeah your husband is right but it wouldn’t matter to me. I’d still help my son. I’d still put him first. Rightly or wrongly 🤷🏻‍♀️
Helping is fine but how much help? SO much help that it destroys her marriage and makes her son unequipped for life?

What's his biological father doing to help?

ivfgottwins · 03/05/2021 03:28

Your husband gets up at 3am?

Yeah I'd be pissed that a 21 year old gets a girl pregnant and still lives at home with his mum. Sounds like someone is very much still a PFB and you need to toughen up

KaleSlayer · 03/05/2021 03:46

If I suggested ear plugs my husband would say "why should I?!"

And your answer is ‘so that you can sleep.’

Your husband is being childish. I would tell him that you don’t want to have to choose, but if he makes you, you will not choose him as he is being the difficult one.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 03/05/2021 03:50

@Unanananana

Your son needs his own place to have his son stay. Your DH would probably be happier to put up with it if there is an end date to disturbed nights.
God forbid we disturb a man sleeping eh! It's his wife's house as well and why should he dictate what visitors she has?

Plenty of family's work and have little ones overnight, her husband is not precious !!

Pinkpaisley · 03/05/2021 03:52

Wherever your son lives, his son should always be able to be there. It’s completely unacceptable for him to ask for permission to have his child in his home.

If this arrangement isn’t working for everyone, then someone needs to move. That might be your son, it might be your husband.

PerveenMistry · 03/05/2021 03:54

"I understand your husband's position. He's a man and you should be devoted to him not an adult child or grandchild. To top it up your grandchild and son and male. They're in direct contention for quality time at a point where he must've imagined the house will begin to get quieter."

What the actual fuck???