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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I feel torn between husband & son

486 replies

Carmelle · 02/05/2021 21:07

Hi,
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if he is!
I’m going to try and break this down to the point!
So I’m married (not to kids dad) got 3 teens now. My oldest sons 21 and still lives at home.
Last year son and his now ex had a baby. I love my grandson to death and as far as I’m concerned my son can have him here anytime he wants or needs.
But my husband is very aggy about it.
He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work. He said non of us consider him and if son wants to see his son more he needs to get his own place. (I don’t agree)
Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.
Iv just had to say no to my son having his son this week, because my husband said no.
I feel real shitty about it. We’ve already had so many arguments over this, so I’m trying to be sympathetic to my husband, but It’s not sitting right with me.
I don’t know if I’m being selfish,
Intolerant of my husband, or if he is being the selfish one!
In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.

Please help!

OP posts:

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 13:17

@awaynboilyurheid

Yes agree your husband is BU, better that your son is bonding with his child and will hopefully complete studies which enable him to move out and support his son further down the line. One night a week is not too much to ask I’m sure the grandchild will settle soon and husband will get his precious one night a week sleep back, many manage on far less.

@awaynboilyurheid OP says TWO weeknights (ie two worknights) and the entire weekend every second weekend.

Far more than just one weeknight.

The son is being unreasonable and selfish, the DH is being reasonable about needing to sleep, in his own home, to bring food to the table and a salary for the household.

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 13:18

@KurtWilde Again, it is TWO weeknights, and an entire weekend every second weekend.

Miasicarisatia · 03/05/2021 13:19

In the real world most loving parents and step parents wouldn't want to see their 21 year old son and his baby struggling with nowhere decent to live
Of course, however OP herself is struggling, her housing is already overcrowded and inadequate, the 21-year old son's choices have meant that an already difficult situation is now more stressful for everyone
You cannot pour from an empty cup

Miasicarisatia · 03/05/2021 13:21

If I was working a demanding physical job to support the family and getting up at 3 am I would expect my sleep and wellbeing to be prioritised

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 13:21

@KurtWilde OP says "Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend."

KurtWilde · 03/05/2021 13:22

[quote CokeDrinker]@KurtWilde It's about TWO week nights AND an entire weekend, even second weekend.[/quote]
Look the DH is being unreasonable. My DS is 22 and had his DS when he just turned 21. He and his fiancé lived here until baby was 6 months old because they were still at uni and saving for a bond. I still have my DGS eow to give them a break, and I have him here midweek if they have appointments/overtime. It's what many grandparents do!

OP is doing what any decent parent/grandparent would do. She's helping facilitate her son seeing his child in her own home, because it's just as much her home and her decision as it is her DHs. Why should his opinion trump hers?

HowManyToes · 03/05/2021 13:26

If I suggested ear plugs my husband would say "why should I?!"

I was on the fence but this makes your husband sound like a total dick. He’s obviously not willing to compromise.

diddl · 03/05/2021 13:26

I think that your husband should at least try earplugs.

If they don't work then maybe a weekday overnight can't happen yet?

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 13:27

@Carmelle OP, your callous disregard toward your husband who is bringing in a salary, in his own home, is disgusting and ignorant. If you were being sleep deprived by a screaming and crying baby while you were working full time, 2 nights every weeknight and an entire weekend every second weekend, you were tired, making mistakes etc I don't think you'd like it. How about YOU try getting up at 3am every morning operating very heavy and dangerous industrial machinery and then told you have to accept broken sleep two out of the five weeknights. You have your morals and priorities all wrong. Leave your husband because he deserves better than you. Your selfish son is taking your for a ride, disrespecting his stepdad and coming in between your marriage. Wake up and put your foot down before you ruin your marriage and then end up having to sell your marital home and be left with a flat. That won't help your son then, will it? Wake up. Your CFer son needs to be told to grow up and stop being a CFer before you lose your marriage and home.

Bimblingaway · 03/05/2021 13:28

Because it’s about compromise. DH has probably already compromised by going along with EOW now they want to do midweek as well.... What has OP compromised for her DH in this situation?

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 13:30

@KurtWilde Wrong, the son is a CFer and disrespectful brat. The DH in case you forgot, gets up at 3am and has to work with VERY HEAVY INDUSTRIAL MACHINERY. His NEEDS comes before the irresponsible son's selfish 'wants'. Workplace Safety comes before the irresponsible selfish son's 'wants'. Son can choose to see the baby during the day. In case you didn't realise, the DH can't choose to sleep during the day or choose his work hours.

Work hours take PRIORITY. This, is basic common sense.

KaleSlayer · 03/05/2021 13:31

Isn’t the baby only there 2 weeknights every other week and then every other weekend? Maybe I’ve read it wrong but OP says:

Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.

diddl · 03/05/2021 13:31

I also think that your son needs to see if there's any way that he can still studay but earn more.

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 13:33

@Miasicarisatia

If I was working a demanding physical job to support the family and getting up at 3 am I would expect my sleep and wellbeing to be prioritised

+1000 It's not rocket science, is it? Well, it shouldn't be. Some people those seem to have been raised with no common sense or thought for anyone else. Pamper selfish brats just because their your son. NO!

Coldwine75 · 03/05/2021 13:34

How often do you have the grandson overnight in the week? If its only 1/2 nights then fine, but if its every night that's a bit unreasonable? Does the 21 yr old so work, or able to afford a place?

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 13:34

@KaleSlayer

Isn’t the baby only there 2 weeknights every other week and then every other weekend? Maybe I’ve read it wrong but OP says:

Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.

What's the 'only'? He's there at least 2 nights every week, whether that be weekend week or off-week. He's there for an entire weekend out of every second weekend. It's way too much already.

KurtWilde · 03/05/2021 13:37

[quote CokeDrinker]**@KurtWilde* Wrong, the son is a CFer and disrespectful brat. The DH in case you forgot, gets up at 3am and has to work with VERY HEAVY INDUSTRIAL MACHINERY. His NEEDS comes before the irresponsible son's selfish 'wants'. Workplace Safety comes before the irresponsible selfish son's 'wants'. Son can choose to see the baby during the day. In case you didn't realise, the DH can't* choose to sleep during the day or choose his work hours.

Work hours take PRIORITY. This, is basic common sense.[/quote]
Bullshit

KaleSlayer · 03/05/2021 13:40

What's the 'only'? He's there at least 2 nights every week, whether that be weekend week or off-week. He's there for an entire weekend out of every second weekend. It's way too much already.

Some people seem to be saying that the baby is there every other weekend and 2 weeknights every week. That’s the ‘only’. HTH.

Coldwine75 · 03/05/2021 13:41

Id suggest one weeknight and one night only every other weekend? Might be a good compromise all round?

Shelby2010 · 03/05/2021 13:45

I can understand DH being annoyed if DS was getting you to do all the childcare. However I hope that if I was in your situation my DH would see that helping my DS & DGS was important to me & supported ME in that.

Your house does seem overcrowded - has this been the situation for the last 12 years?

RantyAnty · 03/05/2021 13:56

@KurtWilde Were the three of them living in your dining room though?

pilates · 03/05/2021 14:01

I don’t think your DH is unreasonable. Your son can still have access to his son just not overnight stays atm. I’m sure when his situation changes and he gets his own place that can all change. Your living arrangements will struggle with a baby staying over plus your DH needs to be up very early with his job.

Pinkpaisley · 03/05/2021 14:13

Stop telling this father that he shouldn’t be parenting his son and instead should just visit him for an afternoon. Sometimes I really despair for society.

Op, you are in a tough position. I personally plan to support my kids financially through university. If an unexpected baby comes along that may mean a baby joining our household since the budget may not stretch as far. But it might also mean my child living independently since I plan to subsidize rent. My goal is to give my child a good launch in life and a chance to stay at the same
Socio-economic level as I am at. That won’t change with a baby in the mix, though it will be harder to attain. So if This arrangement doesn’t work for your husband, I would look at your budget and figure out how much you can afford to contribute towards other housing for your son and grandson.

Billandben444 · 03/05/2021 14:23

In the real world most loving parents and step parents wouldn't want to see their 21 year old son and his baby struggling with nowhere decent to live.

The 21-year old IS living somewhere decent - with the rest of his family. The baby lives with his mother so he also has somewhere (presumably decent) to live. The baby does not live with him so the only person 'struggling' appears to be the husband who's not allowed to voice his opinion.

Cocomarine · 03/05/2021 14:37

Only 21 years old and already an ex with a baby, when he doesn’t work full time or even have his own proper room, let his alone his own home. I don’t blame your husband for not liking the situation.

But, end of the day, a child deserves to be properly cared for by their father, and a mother deserves not to be expected to do all the care.

So yes, I think you should support your son in having the child with you, even if that’s to the detriment of your marriage.

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