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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel torn between husband & son

486 replies

Carmelle · 02/05/2021 21:07

Hi,
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if he is!
I’m going to try and break this down to the point!
So I’m married (not to kids dad) got 3 teens now. My oldest sons 21 and still lives at home.
Last year son and his now ex had a baby. I love my grandson to death and as far as I’m concerned my son can have him here anytime he wants or needs.
But my husband is very aggy about it.
He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work. He said non of us consider him and if son wants to see his son more he needs to get his own place. (I don’t agree)
Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.
Iv just had to say no to my son having his son this week, because my husband said no.
I feel real shitty about it. We’ve already had so many arguments over this, so I’m trying to be sympathetic to my husband, but It’s not sitting right with me.
I don’t know if I’m being selfish,
Intolerant of my husband, or if he is being the selfish one!
In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.

Please help!

OP posts:
bubblebath62636 · 03/05/2021 11:39

He works around his studies and does his best to look after his child. How is he not responsible for his actions?

He needs to get a job, drop his studies to part time if needs be. He's not a little boy.

justanotherneighinparadise · 03/05/2021 11:46

My attitude to this would be dependent on whether it was short term or long term. If my son was working his area off to improve his earning potential so he could afford his own place down the line I think I’d be supportive. If he was just mooching along in life expecting everyone to pander to his situation and using a lack of money as an excuse to stay dependent on you and your husband I’d be much more pissed off about it.

justanotherneighinparadise · 03/05/2021 11:46

*arse

Barbie222 · 03/05/2021 11:48

I think I'd definitely want to see a plan towards a move out eg apply for council property wait list, saving, look at cheaper areas etc. There's a risk of this being a very comfortable situation for your son. If the college course is going to lead to a trade qualification where he'll quickly see a fairly decent income I'd prioritise that. If it's a course which is more academic or needs a university qualification on top to go anywhere - or if it's one of those courses which we all know are just there for fun and to boost the numbers in fte - he might have to accept that this isn't where his life is going at the moment, same as many (almost all?) single mothers have to - and change course.

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2021 11:53

‘Put up with a huge amount’ the husband made a choice to be with someone who had children already. They come as a package.

Yawn. And in doing so, he put up with a lot. Them being "a package" doesn't change that. His wife should understand that and not just view him as a nuisance.

And that's notwithstanding the fact that he did not sign up to have a grandchild living in their joint home and he should have an equal say on that. It is not part of the "package". Now I think it's fair enough for OP to disagree with him and for it to be a discussion that is perhaps solved by compromise on all sides, but for her to just not care about his views and actively resent him for having any? Yeah, he deserves better.

Physalis · 03/05/2021 12:05

Neither of YABU but for me this would fall under the category of "family emergency" and the needs of your son and baby would come first in that scenario. Many 21 year olds still need a bit of parental support and that's when they don't have a baby. I think everyone has to do what is best for your gs. It's hard on your DH but there we are, hopefully it won't be forever. But all of this is exactly why it's not optimum for youngsters without accommodation, ft jobs etc, to be having babies. I think if you marry someone with DC, however old they are, you have to be prepared that your husband or wife may be called upon to help them in some way, whether they are seriously ill, have a car accident, or are in some financial or emotional difficulty. And this is one of those situations.

Branleuse · 03/05/2021 12:12

the baby is very young and so is OPs son. If it was all planned out like this, then thats different to trying to make the best of a situation and supporting your own family. If it was still like this 5 years down the line, id probably feel more supportive of the husband, but right now I think its something he needs to suck up.
Doesnt mean the husband isnt justified in having a moan about the situation, as long as he doesnt start trying to insist that his wishes override everyone elses

KurtWilde · 03/05/2021 12:21

@bubblebath62636

He works around his studies and does his best to look after his child. How is he not responsible for his actions?

He needs to get a job, drop his studies to part time if needs be. He's not a little boy.

So blasé to say he needs to get a job and drop his studies to part time. It's just that simple in some people's minds isn't it.

This thread isn't about what OPs son 'should' do. It's about a mum happy to support her son seeing his child and her husband throwing a hissy about ONE WEEKDAY NIGHT.

Flowerlane · 03/05/2021 12:22

@aSofaNearYou

‘Put up with a huge amount’ the husband made a choice to be with someone who had children already. They come as a package.

Yawn. And in doing so, he put up with a lot. Them being "a package" doesn't change that. His wife should understand that and not just view him as a nuisance.

And that's notwithstanding the fact that he did not sign up to have a grandchild living in their joint home and he should have an equal say on that. It is not part of the "package". Now I think it's fair enough for OP to disagree with him and for it to be a discussion that is perhaps solved by compromise on all sides, but for her to just not care about his views and actively resent him for having any? Yeah, he deserves better.

Hmm yawn.
MadinMarch · 03/05/2021 12:23

*If I suggested ear plugs my husband would say "why should I?!"

And your answer is ‘so that you can sleep.’

Your husband is being childish. I would tell him that you don’t want to have to choose, but if he makes you, you will not choose him as he is being the difficult one.*

Earplugs seem like the very obvious solution here. You DH is being deliberately difficult if he won't try them.
Alternatively, it's not being woken up that is the real reason for your DH not wanting the child at your house.

Delectable · 03/05/2021 12:26

@PerveenMistry

"I understand your husband's position. He's a man and you should be devoted to him not an adult child or grandchild. To top it up your grandchild and son and male. They're in direct contention for quality time at a point where he must've imagined the house will begin to get quieter."

What the actual fuck???

If you can article your position it might help with communication.
awaynboilyurheid · 03/05/2021 12:32

Yes agree your husband is BU, better that your son is bonding with his child and will hopefully complete studies which enable him to move out and support his son further down the line. One night a week is not too much to ask I’m sure the grandchild will settle soon and husband will get his precious one night a week sleep back, many manage on far less.

Hollywolly1 · 03/05/2021 12:38

It is only natural a mother(a normal one) would want to help her son,he's only 21 years old.some people are fierce hard .
This is also her little grandson.
I wonder did the husband always feel her children were an inconvenience.I can understand if this lady feels very hurt.

Delectable · 03/05/2021 12:41

@TwilightSkies

I understand your husband's position. He's a man and you should be devoted to him not an adult child or grandchild.

Really? Why?
Devoting yourself to a man Hmm Where is his devotion to his wife and her family?

As far as I can tell from her posts he's working hard and has helped raise her 3 children. He's devotion should be to his wife 1st.

Anyways, as some have suggested she should divorce his and take care of her grandchild. Confused

Bimblingaway · 03/05/2021 12:48

Leave your DH and do him a favour. Doesn’t sound like you really care about his opinion anyway. There’s likely a compromise to be made but only if it’s him doing the compromising.

Delectable · 03/05/2021 12:49

@CokeDrinker

A night or 2 every week? PLUS alternate weekends? He's being a CF!!!

It would be different if your son had his own home, but your HUSBAND, who I presume co-owns your/his home, has to get up to work every day at 3am!! Sorry but your husband's wishes come first. Why can't your son have the baby during the day but not nights? Your husband who has a laborious job can't even go a fortnight without having his entire weekend off from work interrupted. This is something your son should have considered last year, he had basically 9 months to consider what he was going to do re custody/visitation etc.

Your son is being selfish, a CFer and completely unreasonable. Your husband's job needs come first. Or, that's at least, how it should be. Time your son grew up and started considering others in the household not just himself.

He's had more than 9 months to prepare. The baby is almost 1.

Perhaps they'll feel better when her husband falls ill with stress having had interrupted sleep for a year.

MrsHastingslikethebattle · 03/05/2021 12:50

Totally agree with your husband.

From your OP, he is complaining about only week nights when it disturbs his sleep and he has to be up for work.

I'm assuming hes off on the weekends and doesnt mind as much?

19lottie82 · 03/05/2021 12:53

In an ideal world your DS would have his own place, yes, but is that realistic (does he eat enough for a mortgage / rent) at the moment? If not then there’s no way I would stop him having his son over night, it’s your grandchild, and surely the baby’s mother needs a break.

As long as your son is going the best he can to better himself and save for moving out, then tell your husband not to be so ridiculous. Buy him a set of earplugs.

Januaryissodull · 03/05/2021 13:02

Some people on mumsnet are so weird and frankly horrible people.

It's basically along the lines of no one should remotely help out their children, once they reach adulthood they're on their own and you owe them nothing. Also a lot of crap about people not 'signing up to' this or that. As though it's realistic to have a lifelong relationship with someone and every change in circumstances claim you didn't sign up for this.

I do wonder sometimes what kind of fucked up relationships they have with their own family members.

In the real world most loving parents and step parents wouldn't want to see their 21 year old son and his baby struggling with nowhere decent to live.

AliceMcK · 03/05/2021 13:07

@Springsnake

Totally disagree with all the posters above ,my children’s children will always be welcome in my home . It’s not that easy at 21 to just move out Better to stay out and save for a morgage My husband would never complain about any grandchildren staying over ,but that’s because they are his children I think your husband is totally unreasonable
I totally agree.

My cousins DP isn’t biologically her DCs or DGCs dad and grandad but he treats them all as his and would never dream of saying they weren’t welcome in their home.

Your son is still young, yes he’s old enough to have a child but I’d never shut the door on my own child and grandchild. You DP knew you had children when he met you and that they would always be your priority. If he can’t accept that, then it’s his problem.

BittyBatHats · 03/05/2021 13:07

I do t think it's horrible to not expect to be worken at night by a baby once you've raised your own kids. It's not as if some terrible accident has befallen this grown man. He chose to have sex without a condom. He made a reckless choice that has consequences. Why should the step father be made to pick up the pieces? He's not saying he doesn't want the baby there at all just not at night. That's more than reasonable.

19lottie82 · 03/05/2021 13:10

What would you do if your GSs mother couldn’t take care of him, and your son had to have his son FT?

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 13:12

@KurtWilde It's about TWO week nights AND an entire weekend, even second weekend.

BittyBatHats · 03/05/2021 13:14

It's not as if they even have a bedroom. They're camped out in the dining room. There's nothing to stop the son applying for a one bed council flat. What's the message to the younger boys? Don't worry if you get a girl pregnant mum will sort it and be pleased about it? I wouldn't be remotely happy in the stepdads shoes.

KurtWilde · 03/05/2021 13:15

@MrsHastingslikethebattle

Totally agree with your husband.

From your OP, he is complaining about only week nights when it disturbs his sleep and he has to be up for work.

I'm assuming hes off on the weekends and doesnt mind as much?

Exactly though, ONE NIGHT!! Not every weekday night, just one. He's so intolerant of the situation that he won't stand to be put out for one weekday night!?