Page 12 | I feel torn between husband & son

Carmelle · 2021-05-02T20:07:24+00:00

Hi, I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if he is! I’m going to try and break this down to the point! So I’m married (not to kids dad) got 3 teens now. My oldest sons 21 and still lives at home. Last year son and his now ex had a baby. I love my grandson to death and as far as I’m concerned my son can have him here anytime he wants or needs. But my husband is very aggy about it. He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work. He said non of us consider him and if son wants to see his son more he needs to get his own place. (I don’t agree) Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend. Iv just had to say no to my son having his son this week, because my husband said no. I feel real shitty about it. We’ve already had so many arguments over this, so I’m trying to be sympathetic to my husband, but It’s not sitting right with me. I don’t know if I’m being selfish, Intolerant of my husband, or if he is being the selfish one! In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here. Please help!

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 03/05/2021 10:57

I get where your husband is coming from. Waking up at 3 am after interrupted sleep (even once) is shitty enough. Does he also have to tip toe downstairs to make sure he doesn't disturb them as he gets ready/leaves? You say they live in the living room. Does that mean that your husband can't just come home and chill on the sofa,get some peace and quiet etc? It's been a year already, how much longer is he supposed to go like this for? He didn't sign up for this,he didn't choose this.

At the same time, I understand your want and need to support your son and grandchild. To keep them close,safe and well looked after. No one wants to see their children struggle.

You need to find some form of compromise where everyone is at least ok if not happy, otherwise all the relationships will turn bad and sour.

scotsllb · 03/05/2021 10:59

@TatianaBis

This isn’t just about the impact on DH, it’s impacting everyone. Your teens have schoolwork etc. But they have less agency to complain.

Why should everyone in the family be impacted by DS’s lack of contraception?

This is a horrible attitude. Maybe the teens enjoy their nephew being around the nights he his? The reply's on this thread, no wonder the concept of family is in the bin and young people struggle. So selfish. Times are ridiculously hard for young folk just now, not at all comparable to being young years ago. Also, again this child is family and family should all help each other to care for one another no?

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 11:00

[quote Pinkpaisley]@CokeDrinker

I doubt we will agree on this issue. A decent parent can’t choose when to parent. It doesn’t matter that he is young. It doesn’t matter that he isn’t the primary residential parent. He needs to do his fair share of parenting and that includes overnights. Anything less makes him an awful father.

There are lots of potential solutions here. None of them should involve the son being separated from his child.[/quote]
@Pinkpaisley He can have the child for overnights when the child is older. That is how it normally works anyway. A decent parent can always negotiate with the other parent.

The garbage man cannot negotiate when he works or if he operates heavy industrial machinery while being sleep-deprived - against OH&S rules. His boss will sack him.

Plain, clear and simple.

The easiest solution is that he has the baby during the days only until he is three years old (having only one place to sleep and not 2, going backwards and forwards 2 to 3 times each week, also provides more stability for the baby). That, works for everyone. Father is a parent to his child and spends days with him. DH is able to bring an income home and put food on the table, and not get himself killed or wind up in a wheelchair or losing a limb, or at best - being sacked. Easiest solution which is a win-win-win all round.

EmeraldShamrock · 03/05/2021 11:04

I just cannot imagine prioritising the 'wants' of my son who can choose to have his child during the day instead of the night, over my husband who HAS NO CHOICE
Tbf I doubt DS has the choice to say he isn't doing any overnight stays it is his DC.
I'd be trying to accommodate the relationship with DS and DGS.
If he can't take him overnight he may be stopped from seeing him at all.
How's it going to look from his ex's POV the DGM doesn't want her DGC in the house.
I've seen a couple of young men fall apart from a broken relationship with a baby it's a time that makes or breaks them.

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 11:04

@Cinderellashoes

Your husband sounds like a prick and you think your son and his family alike be welcome any time

@Cinderellashoes A 'prick' for wanting to not be sleep-deprived while operating heavy industrial machinery? You sound as selfish and oblivious as her son! If DH severed his arm in a workplace incident because he was sleep-deprived, you'd never forgive yourself.

Onlinedilema · 03/05/2021 11:05

How long is the baby crying for?
Surely can’t be long if your son is sleeping in the same room, he should be up straight away comforting the baby, changing him or feeding him so providing he isn’t shirking his responsibility, the disruption should be minimal.
Is your son getting up straight away and dealing with the baby?
Also does the baby wake anyone else up or just your dh?

EmeraldShamrock · 03/05/2021 11:06

OP I mentioned it earlier if you buy a cabin they're brilliant and warm, even if you can get it on finance DS can pay it back over 3 years.
I've 2 friends with young adult DC living in them.
They shower inside the house.

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 11:07

How old is the baby exactly, OP? And is he being breastfed? Because I believe by what it sounds, he is far too young to be away from his mother overnight, let alone an entire weekend.

Any other thread on here everyone is saying a baby less than a year old shouldn't be away from it's mother for overnights. I don't see why this is any different.

BilboBercow · 03/05/2021 11:08

It sounds like op is doing her best to support her 21 year old to be a good father. Yes he's young but the baby is here now and he wants to do the right thing. He's working part time and studying, op doesn't want her son throwing away his education or having to live somewhere grim. OP I think it's ok to ask son to have just one overnight mid week for now. You have been with your husband 12 years, if he truly sees this child as his grandchild I'd say he needs to prove it.

purpledagger · 03/05/2021 11:10

I dont think it's an easy situation for anyone and I can see it from from both sides.

I do think the DH is getting a rough ride. From what the OP has written, his only objection is with the DGC staying overnight during the working week and not weekends, so I don't think he is being unreasonable.

I also think the 21 year old needs to be supported but with a plan to support himself in the not so distant future. I suspect he relies heavily on the household to help him look after his child and probably wouldn't be in any rush to change that.

I agree that a family meeting is in order. There may be workable solutions but you all need to discuss these.

jagoda · 03/05/2021 11:10

If I suggested ear plugs my husband would say "why should I?!"

DH sounds ridiculous.

His boss will sack him. How do you think other workers cope when there is a one year old in the house? Do you think they all end up getting sacked?

OP your DH is being very childish if he really won't take any steps himself to minimise being woken up once a night, which in any case really shouldn't cause that much impact. Do you all have to tread on eggshells once he is in bed? Bearing in mind the fact the child isn't even on the same floor.

I would not allow his restrictive behaviour to dominate to the extent that my son had to leave home at a time when he needed me so much. I would always choose my son.

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2021 11:11

I don't think he is being unreasonable at all and I think your attitude towards him is pretty selfish and intolerant, yes. But if you genuinely feel that it would just be better if he weren't there then you should just put everyone out of their misery and leave him, because you have very little kindness for him and he has put up with a huge amount. That would neatly solve all the issues!

Onlinedilema · 03/05/2021 11:17

Another thought. Would it not be better for your son to have the baby during the day whilst the baby’s mum is at work? Obviously I don’t know when your son works but this would solve the problem of overnight mid week sleep overs.

Miasicarisatia · 03/05/2021 11:17

OP wants dominion over all her babies, by which she means her children and her children's children, the husband does not consider these babies to be his problem

Flowerlane · 03/05/2021 11:18

@aSofaNearYou

I don't think he is being unreasonable at all and I think your attitude towards him is pretty selfish and intolerant, yes. But if you genuinely feel that it would just be better if he weren't there then you should just put everyone out of their misery and leave him, because you have very little kindness for him and he has put up with a huge amount. That would neatly solve all the issues!

‘Put up with a huge amount’

the husband made a choice to be with someone who had children already. They come as a package.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 03/05/2021 11:19

@jagoda

If I suggested ear plugs my husband would say "why should I?!"

DH sounds ridiculous.

His boss will sack him. How do you think other workers cope when there is a one year old in the house? Do you think they all end up getting sacked?

OP your DH is being very childish if he really won't take any steps himself to minimise being woken up once a night, which in any case really shouldn't cause that much impact. Do you all have to tread on eggshells once he is in bed? Bearing in mind the fact the child isn't even on the same floor.

I would not allow his restrictive behaviour to dominate to the extent that my son had to leave home at a time when he needed me so much. I would always choose my son.

I don't know if it's deliberate or not, but a lot of posters including you seem to be ignoring the fact that having a 21 yo and a baby in the only living room changed and affects more than just night sleep, even if that's the husband's main complaint. Issues that arise from that will exacerbate any sleep troubles too.

PatrickBatemann · 03/05/2021 11:21

the husband made a choice to be with someone who had children already. They come as a package

But he didn't choose to have his sleep disturbed by a baby, and for his dining room to be completely taken over by a 21 year old

Looubylou · 03/05/2021 11:23

Your husband is up at 3 am for a physical job and he is unreasonable for not wanting to be woke up before then? Does son have the overnight stays before 3 am starts?? It seems no one is interested in your husband's wellbeing. If he doesn't complain about weekends I say he it s being fair.

Flowerlane · 03/05/2021 11:24

@PatrickBatemann

the husband made a choice to be with someone who had children already. They come as a package

But he didn't choose to have his sleep disturbed by a baby, and for his dining room to be completely taken over by a 21 year old

I would have thought this is definitely not the first time his sleep has been disturbed. I’m sure the 3 children have had sleepless night or illnesses that have kept them awake at night etc.

TatianaBis · 03/05/2021 11:24

@scotsllb

Maybe the teens enjoy their nephew being around the nights he his?

Or maybe they don't like the broken nights either given they have school the next day.

They can choose see their nephew when they like on their own terms at times that suit them.

altiara · 03/05/2021 11:26

He gets up at 3am! He’s not said DGS can’t ever sleep over, just in the week.
Maybe if you took his views under consideration, then he might want to compromise slightly but your post isn’t very understanding. Then you think it’s better if he wasn’t there? Can you afford a house to house 4 people and a child by yourself?

I just think if you were really on his side, he’d appreciate it and bend more. But if he’s had a year of being woken up, then that’s got to be hard. It’s worse when you’re older.

sandragreen · 03/05/2021 11:29

I think some posters have missed the fact this is a one year old child, not a newborn baby. OP says the child cries once at bedtime. The son and his child sleep in the dining room and there is a separate living room.

If it isn't the DGS waking the DH up it would probably be something else with teenagers and OP in the house. If the DH really cannot cope with his early starts any more, then maybe he needs to change his job. There will be other bin men being woken up regularly with smaller babies, other distractions, noisy neighbours, barking dogs. I guess they are all coping without having hideous accidents.......

Then again, maybe they are sensible and just use earplugs.

Abbycrocker · 03/05/2021 11:30

@aSofaNearYou

I don't think he is being unreasonable at all and I think your attitude towards him is pretty selfish and intolerant, yes. But if you genuinely feel that it would just be better if he weren't there then you should just put everyone out of their misery and leave him, because you have very little kindness for him and he has put up with a huge amount. That would neatly solve all the issues!

All of this.

sandragreen · 03/05/2021 11:31

Or maybe they don't like the broken nights either given they have school the next day.

I doubt the teenagers are being woken up when the DGS cries at his bedtime as OP describes. They probably have headphones in and don't hear it at all

Lili132 · 03/05/2021 11:32

@Gilly12345

If your son is mature enough to father a child then your son is mature enough to move out and start being responsible for his actions and start by pulling up his big boy pants and sort out his life.

He works around his studies and does his best to look after his child. How is he not responsible for his actions?