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Original poster

I feel torn between husband & son

486 replies

Carmelle · 02/05/2021 21:07

Hi,
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if he is!
I’m going to try and break this down to the point!
So I’m married (not to kids dad) got 3 teens now. My oldest sons 21 and still lives at home.
Last year son and his now ex had a baby. I love my grandson to death and as far as I’m concerned my son can have him here anytime he wants or needs.
But my husband is very aggy about it.
He said it’s not practical to have grandson overnight during the week as it disturbs his sleep and he has to get up early for work. He said non of us consider him and if son wants to see his son more he needs to get his own place. (I don’t agree)
Son and his ex want him to come alternate weekends and a night or 2 midweek on the weeks he’s not here at the weekend.
Iv just had to say no to my son having his son this week, because my husband said no.
I feel real shitty about it. We’ve already had so many arguments over this, so I’m trying to be sympathetic to my husband, but It’s not sitting right with me.
I don’t know if I’m being selfish,
Intolerant of my husband, or if he is being the selfish one!
In my head I think it would all be ok if husband wasn’t here.

Please help!

OP posts:
Pinkpaisley · 03/05/2021 10:29

A father can’t choose to only be a parent during the day. The son having his child overnight is not a ‘want’. If the mother and father of the child have agreed the child is ready for overnights, then they must happen. The son doesn’t just get to parent when it is convenient.

NailsNeedDoing · 03/05/2021 10:36

I'd venture to guess that OP's son didn't much deciding in having this baby. Rather the ex fell pregnant by accident, decided to keep it and he was presented with the situation

I think this is probably a reasonable guess, and if that is the case, the ex doesn’t get to complain when her baby’s dad cant do any overnight care. That’s just a consequence of choosing to keep a pregnancy when you know that you and your partner (or ex partner) can’t provide for a child yourselves. They’ve chosen to go into being parents knowing that they can’t do it the way they’d like to, so they can’t expect other people around them to make sacrifices so that they can have their own way.

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 10:37

@Pinkpaisley A parent is a parent 24/7/365. That's not the point. As he does not have full custody, he can CHOOSE when the see his child. That, is a WANT. Getting up at 3am to operate heavy industrial machinery, is NOT a choice, nor a want. It is a NEED. And basic common sense says that that takes priority.

Roboticcarrot · 03/05/2021 10:37

@Pinkpaisley

A father can’t choose to only be a parent during the day. The son having his child overnight is not a ‘want’. If the mother and father of the child have agreed the child is ready for overnights, then they must happen. The son doesn’t just get to parent when it is convenient.
Maybe the son needs to grow up then and find suitable accommodation that facilitates this?
CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 10:37

@NailsNeedDoing

I'd venture to guess that OP's son didn't much deciding in having this baby. Rather the ex fell pregnant by accident, decided to keep it and he was presented with the situation

I think this is probably a reasonable guess, and if that is the case, the ex doesn’t get to complain when her baby’s dad cant do any overnight care. That’s just a consequence of choosing to keep a pregnancy when you know that you and your partner (or ex partner) can’t provide for a child yourselves. They’ve chosen to go into being parents knowing that they can’t do it the way they’d like to, so they can’t expect other people around them to make sacrifices so that they can have their own way.

This!
lockdownalli · 03/05/2021 10:38

I don't think it is just the son who "wants" the DGS there so much though is it?

My understanding is that OP wants the child there too. Her last line is very telling I think. Maybe this relationship has just run it's course? The DH wants the son to move out now he has his own child.

I am just saying I would not agree to this and if it comes down to a choice, it would be very clear cut.

TatianaBis · 03/05/2021 10:38

DS needs to find lodgings for himself - a bedsit somewhere, or lodge in somewhere that doesn't mind the baby.

Otherwise he needs to jack in his college course and get a FT job.

Selttan · 03/05/2021 10:39

You mention your son is working p/t and in college - can he reverse that and work full time and do p/t college? Then perhaps he could afford to move out?

I sympathize with your son but understand where your husband is coming from. It must feel very overcrowded already.

AvaCallanach · 03/05/2021 10:40

I would be doing everything I could to enable my son to take responsibility for caring for his son. That would mean having grandson stay over.

My partner would have to use ear plugs or sleep elsewhere.

The first 3 years are fundamental in giving children a stable base. No one would be getting between a young man trying his best to parent in difficult circumstances and his baby son in my house. No one.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/05/2021 10:41

Your son needs to get himself onto a council/social housing list and start bidding on properties due to overcrowding in the home.

In the meantime, I'd help my son facilitate parenting by pushing back on DHS concerns. But it needs to be a short term option whilst ds looks at how to start planning a proper future (Inc housing).

Does ds work?

NailsNeedDoing · 03/05/2021 10:43

The OP’s son much know that his step dad doesn’t want the baby to stay, it’s shitty of him to put his mum in the position where she feels torn between her husband and son by asking if the baby can stay. Neither he or his ex should be asking. If the son wants to care for his baby overnight, he can do it in the home that has been provided for the baby, either by the council or by the grandparents that have chosen to.

villamariavintrapp · 03/05/2021 10:43

Well I can understand your husband not wanting a baby in the house, but you're a family and I think need to find some solutions that work for everyone. I don't find cancelling your son's time with his son an acceptable solution, and I don't think your husband should demand this when it's possible to impact your son's relationship with your grandson and his mother forever. Your son is young and I would want to support him and his parenting, I don't understand the posts insisting that he's not a child and should be parenting alone. He's likely to do a much better job with your support surely? So if it's just the overnights once a week that aren't working could they stay somewhere else? Airbnb?

VioletCharlotte · 03/05/2021 10:43

This is a difficult one and I don't think either you or your DH are being unreasonable. Him wanting a decent nights sleep for a 3am start is just as valid as your son's desire to be a good father (and yours to a be a good GM).

I think if this was me I would say no to overnight stays during the week. Once your son is older and has his own place then he can have his child more often. What is the mother's situation and are they amicable? If so, could he go to hers once of twice a week to do tea/bath/bed to she gets a break and he gets some time with his son?

Chillychangchoo · 03/05/2021 10:45

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I waited 9 years on a priority band for overcrowding. By all means get the son on the list but don’t be expecting accommodation anytime soon.

CokeDrinker · 03/05/2021 10:46

Sleep deprivation is a circle of hell all on it's own; let alone working with heavy industrial machinery. Needs of the husband to work and operate heavy industrial machinery safely and to bring home an income, come before the wants of a 21 year old who seems to have little concern for the needs of his step-father. Unless the DH owns his own business, can choose his own hours, can choose when to work or not, then his hours are non-negotiable, where as her son can choose and negotiate when he has the baby. One, the hours and circumstances are not negotiable, it's wake at 3am, deal with heavy industrial machinery or get the sack and DH is unemployed with no income for the household. The second the son can choose and negotiate when he sees son. FFS, this shouldn't even be a discussion. It's obvious the DH is the priority as he works for the household!

Billandben444 · 03/05/2021 10:46

If the son and grandchild were the husband's biological family it wouldn't make any difference - husband needs his sleep and should have some say in how the living arrangements work. He still wouldn't want to have a disturbed night before work regardless of the reason. Whatever arrangements son and ex have made re co-parenting are dependent on others being on board so I would knock the overnights during the week on the head until the situation has settled down.

Mhc19 · 03/05/2021 10:46

My son and grandson would come before ny husband. If it's once a night, it's not really a huge deal is it and your husband will just have to get over it.

madroid · 03/05/2021 10:47

I think I'd call a family meeting and discuss it. That stops you being piggy in the middle.

But I think the ultimate is that your DH will have to put up with the baby waking him up one night a week. It won't last forever. But your ds and dgc will be there for the rest of your lives. Does your DH not want to see them? Have a relationship? Then he has to put up with the downside too. That's life.

sandragreen · 03/05/2021 10:48

@AvaCallanach

I would be doing everything I could to enable my son to take responsibility for caring for his son. That would mean having grandson stay over.

My partner would have to use ear plugs or sleep elsewhere.

The first 3 years are fundamental in giving children a stable base. No one would be getting between a young man trying his best to parent in difficult circumstances and his baby son in my house. No one.

I agree with this. Also the PP who pointed out there must be a couple of nights a week where the DH isn't working in the morning.

How does DH think other refuse collectors with young families and babies cope?

The DS is at college so of course he cannot just "get a bedsit" where he can have his baby to stay over. A studio flat costs a minimum of £750 a month where I live. As for council housing for a 20 year old who lives at home Grin Grin

Being a young father is even more reason why DS should be improving his career prospects by staying in education.

Pinkpaisley · 03/05/2021 10:52

@CokeDrinker

I doubt we will agree on this issue. A decent parent can’t choose when to parent. It doesn’t matter that he is young. It doesn’t matter that he isn’t the primary residential parent. He needs to do his fair share of parenting and that includes overnights. Anything less makes him an awful father.

There are lots of potential solutions here. None of them should involve the son being separated from his child.

TatianaBis · 03/05/2021 10:52

This isn’t just about the impact on DH, it’s impacting everyone. Your teens have schoolwork etc. But they have less agency to complain.

Why should everyone in the family be impacted by DS’s lack of contraception?

TatianaBis · 03/05/2021 10:54

[quote Pinkpaisley]@CokeDrinker

I doubt we will agree on this issue. A decent parent can’t choose when to parent. It doesn’t matter that he is young. It doesn’t matter that he isn’t the primary residential parent. He needs to do his fair share of parenting and that includes overnights. Anything less makes him an awful father.

There are lots of potential solutions here. None of them should involve the son being separated from his child.[/quote]
It’s not the rest of the family’s role to sacrifice themselves to DS’s contraception failures.

I agree DS needs to step up to being a father, so he gets his own place.

If that means giving up college to work, many women who find themselves pregnant have to make the same choice. He can finish his studies later on.

Roboticcarrot · 03/05/2021 10:54

How does DH think other refuse collectors with young families and babies cope?

Do you think loads of them the same age as him have their grandchildren sleep over in the dining room? Probably doubtful.

Cinderellashoes · 03/05/2021 10:56

Your husband sounds like a prick and you think your son and his family alike be welcome any time

Cinderellashoes · 03/05/2021 10:57

Whoops that should say I think and should be welcome!!