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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider my future with DP - having Children

155 replies

ChristmasAlone · 02/05/2021 17:08

Me and DP have an amazing relationship, very rarely argue. Share many of the same interests and hobbies. Being together at home every day for the last year was a bit stressful for obvious reasons but besides that I couldn't be happier. Genuinely would say we are best friends and I couldn't imagine finding anybody that I would be happier with.

However I would like children one day and DP is just not interested in having them. I think they'd make a good parent, they don't think so - think a lot stems from their relationship with their own parents. When we first got together 8 years ago we spike about kids - we jokingly named them. But when ever it comes up in a serious conversation it's very clear they don't want any.

Obviously I wouldn't honey trap dp and just get pregnant as I feel that is immoral. But I'd love to have children in the not to distant future and I know deep down they won't change their mind.

Would I be stupid to leave the person I love in the pursuit of having children?

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 02/05/2021 17:10

If its something you definitely want and they don't then you are going to have to either stay with them and accept a future without kids, or leave them to find someone who does want kids. Or leave and have kids as a single parent.

Egghead81 · 02/05/2021 17:11

Not stupid at all

I’d be out the door. Seriously

chillied · 02/05/2021 17:12

If you don't leave him, you won't have kids. So if it is important to you, say farewell and start again. Don't leave it too late.

georgarina · 02/05/2021 17:15

Hmm, if that's how they feel I'd bet on them sticking to it - even if they agree to something vague in the future it could keep getting pushed back and back (maybe next year, maybe in a couple years but not now...), and you don't want to lose your chance if it's something you really want.

I think you need to have a conversation and explain how important this is to you, so you can both decide together what to do. Because one of you will have to compromise or you'll have to split, I guess. (And like I said, if they agree to some time in the future it has to be clear what that means, so it's not something that can just stay in the future until it's too late.)

Tobebythesea · 02/05/2021 17:18

You want children, he doesn’t. I would and have left a man for that reason. I met my DH the next month and we now have 2 children. I do regret not leaving my ex sooner.

How old are you if you have been with him 8 years?

Orangebug · 02/05/2021 17:20

No, you would not be stupid to leave. It’s very sad, but don’t give up your chance to have a child OP.

Original poster
ChristmasAlone · 02/05/2021 17:21

32 soon to be 33 they are 31 soon to be 32 birthday is day before mine.

Realistically I would like 2 children having first around 35 and second 37.

OP posts:
murbblurb · 02/05/2021 17:24

It's very sad but there is no compromise on this. Neither of you are wrong. You have a hard choice to make. Sorry.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 02/05/2021 17:25

Why are you using "they"? Do they ask for people to use they/them or are you trying to hide their gender for some reason?

PlanDeRaccordement · 02/05/2021 17:26

No, it’s not unreasonable to end it and I would in your shoes as time is short if you do want children. You can dearly love someone and just be incompatible. There are others out there equally lovable and loving but also compatibility.

Hopdathelf · 02/05/2021 17:27

Does the possibility of being same sex parents weigh heavily on their mind (assuming that is why you aren’t saying he or she)?

Or are you a man and worried you’ll get a pasting for whatever reason?

Pleatherandlace · 02/05/2021 17:27

I think your mistake was to let this go on for 8 years. Did you hope he would change his mind? Leave now while you still have time to meet someone else.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 02/05/2021 17:27

If you want DC you need to leave.

MinnieMountain · 02/05/2021 17:28

Leave your DP. It’s sad but having/not having children is such an important decision.

I know one couple who have stayed together despite this incompatibility, but one made a clear decision that they loved their DP more than hypothetical children with someone else. You don’t sound like that.

Freecuthbert · 02/05/2021 17:29

How unfortunate. There really is no compromise on this. If you want children, leave now, unless you would rather stay with your current partner over a chance of ever having kids.

LouHotel · 02/05/2021 17:29

I don't mean this in a catty way but do you having any commitment with your partner of 8 years?

No signs of wanting marriage or children as much as either of those could be your choice, if it driven by one person it tends to show he is keeping his options open.

Your fertility goes downhill from now OP this isn't a decision for a years times and an answer of him of waiting till your 35 will ultimately lead to him changing his mind again and the probability of you not having your desired children.

Original poster
ChristmasAlone · 02/05/2021 17:31

@LouHotel

I don't mean this in a catty way but do you having any commitment with your partner of 8 years?

No signs of wanting marriage or children as much as either of those could be your choice, if it driven by one person it tends to show he is keeping his options open.

Your fertility goes downhill from now OP this isn't a decision for a years times and an answer of him of waiting till your 35 will ultimately lead to him changing his mind again and the probability of you not having your desired children.

Mortgage which has always been 50/50 split interms of deposit and monthly payments
OP posts:
Egghead81 · 02/05/2021 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WhySoSensitive · 02/05/2021 17:32

It depends what’s more important to you.

Your relationship with DP and potentially having a partner for life.

Or children.

TimeForTeaAndG · 02/05/2021 17:34

Why are you using "they"? Do they ask for people to use they/them or are you trying to hide their gender for some reason?

Does it matter? OP might be a man. It might be 2 men, 2 women, a transman and woman, what difference does it make?

OP wants kids and the partner doesn't. The gender of either doesn't really need to come into it.

Bigbluebuttons · 02/05/2021 17:36

What’s going on with your pronouns? Is your partner more than one person?

Bigbluebuttons · 02/05/2021 17:37

TimeforTandG of course it matters!

ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 02/05/2021 17:37

I'd have left my DH if he had said he didn't want children. I know I would have been resentful to him otherwise and forever look back with regret.

ChristmasAlone · 02/05/2021 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Post deleted as it quotes a deleted post.

DrSbaitso · 02/05/2021 17:44

@TimeForTeaAndG

Why are you using "they"? Do they ask for people to use they/them or are you trying to hide their gender for some reason?

Does it matter? OP might be a man. It might be 2 men, 2 women, a transman and woman, what difference does it make?

OP wants kids and the partner doesn't. The gender of either doesn't really need to come into it.

If OP is a man, there's more time to think about it.