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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider my future with DP - having Children

155 replies

ChristmasAlone · 02/05/2021 17:08

Me and DP have an amazing relationship, very rarely argue. Share many of the same interests and hobbies. Being together at home every day for the last year was a bit stressful for obvious reasons but besides that I couldn't be happier. Genuinely would say we are best friends and I couldn't imagine finding anybody that I would be happier with.

However I would like children one day and DP is just not interested in having them. I think they'd make a good parent, they don't think so - think a lot stems from their relationship with their own parents. When we first got together 8 years ago we spike about kids - we jokingly named them. But when ever it comes up in a serious conversation it's very clear they don't want any.

Obviously I wouldn't honey trap dp and just get pregnant as I feel that is immoral. But I'd love to have children in the not to distant future and I know deep down they won't change their mind.

Would I be stupid to leave the person I love in the pursuit of having children?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasAlone · 02/05/2021 17:44

@Hopdathelf

Does the possibility of being same sex parents weigh heavily on their mind (assuming that is why you aren’t saying he or she)?

Or are you a man and worried you’ll get a pasting for whatever reason?

I've always wrote like that.

I'm female, DP is male.

OP posts:
ImInStealthMode · 02/05/2021 17:47

A friend of mine did this just recently. They were a great couple in all other respects, love each other to bits but he doesn't want children and she really does.

An awful situation for both of them, but better than staying together beyond the years that it's possible and then having resentment set in from her side that may kill the relationship off anyway.

FridayNightAtTheBronze · 02/05/2021 17:47

The sex of the partner does matter in this case. Suggesting it doesn't is disingenuous.

The post is about having children. Of course it matters whether sperm donation, adoption or surrogacy might be necessary in order to have a child, as the advice the OP receives will be different.

Certainly, if having a child isn't straightforward, then the OP's partner's reluctance could make sense.

FridayNightAtTheBronze · 02/05/2021 17:48

Sorry, cross posted with you OP

ZZGirl · 02/05/2021 17:50

I think you both need to sit down and have a very honest conversation about the likelihood of children. Find out for certain where he stands. It may be that he has worries and it's not completely off the table.

FridayNightAtTheBronze · 02/05/2021 17:52

OP I think you need to work out whether your desire for a child is strong enough to be a deal breaker in this case.

If you want children and your partner doesn't then you have to accept you won't have any with him, and either stay childless or leave him.

Only you know how important this is to you.

I couldn't have stayed with someone who didn't want children, but that's because I have always wanted them.

Sunshin388 · 02/05/2021 17:53

I think it would be stupid to stay. You want kids, your partner does not. You are fundamentally incompatible.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 02/05/2021 17:56

Only stay with him if he’s worth the risk of ending up with no children and the relationship breaking down. If you found yourself single and childless at 45 would you be happy that you gave it a go or massively resentful? How would you feel if he then got together with someone younger and had kids with them? Because it happens, often. If you are ok that he’s worth risking that for, then stay with him. If you’re not ok with the distinct possibility of that scenario arising later, then leave. And do it pronto because every passing month reduces your chance of meeting someone else to have children with. Just don’t drift and ignore the issue until it’s too late. He has been upfront with you so don’t judge yourself he wants kids with you and will eventually change his mind because he’s just not ready. At his age if he wanted kids with you at any point he would have decided that already.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 02/05/2021 17:58

@TimeForTeaAndG

Why are you using "they"? Do they ask for people to use they/them or are you trying to hide their gender for some reason?

Does it matter? OP might be a man. It might be 2 men, 2 women, a transman and woman, what difference does it make?

OP wants kids and the partner doesn't. The gender of either doesn't really need to come into it.

She talked about getting pregnant without their knowledge so we can deduce what sex he is! It's grating and pointless
MrsTophamHat · 02/05/2021 17:58

It's a fundamental difference, and not something that be compromised. Nobody is in the wrong but things like this breed resentment.

If you truly want children, you need to amicably part ways and allow each other to find someone who is a better fit.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/05/2021 17:58

Not sure mention not trying to get pregnant by deceit as it’s obviously unforgivable. You know you meet to leave him so I’d get it over with ASAP. Not wanting children is a perfectly valid choice. Too many people who think they want kids go on to regret them as it is.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 02/05/2021 18:01

He doesn’t want children. You need to take him at his word there, expecting or hoping that he’ll change his mind is a fast path to heartbreak.

If you do, it’s time to go find someone that you want to have them with, or consider your options alone, if you’d prefer.

Zealois · 02/05/2021 18:01

It's such a dealbreaker for me that my partner and I discussed whether we wanted children on like our 3rd or 4th date. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want children, because I'd never be happy.

Egghead81 · 02/05/2021 18:03

Oh my goodness I am so sorry
Genuinely wrong thread

JustanotherTuesday · 02/05/2021 18:05

I know a lady in her eighties who married her husband despite knowing he didn't want children, thinking he would change his mind. He never did. She really wanted them and they were both only children so she couldn't even be an Auntie.
She stayed married to him and they are still very close but she regrets never having had the chance to have be a Mum.
She is finding it very hard to stay in touch now with friends who had children and now have grandchildren.
It is very sad as I think she would have made a good Mum.

Original poster
ChristmasAlone · 02/05/2021 18:10

@Zealois

It's such a dealbreaker for me that my partner and I discussed whether we wanted children on like our 3rd or 4th date. I couldn't stay with someone who didn't want children, because I'd never be happy.
We did talk about children very early on, he said that he would in future. I actually had an abortion - we'd only been together a month and was definitely the right decision at the time, at the time he was very upset which always made kind of believe that he wanted to have children further down the line. We did talk about children and even what we'd like them to do as activities. As the relationship has progressed though it's become more and more obvious that he doesn't want childre of his own. He's actually really good with children, his god daughter we regularly have over night and he is in complete control - besides bath time as he doesn't feel comfortable bathing a 5 year old. I think he just enjoys his freedom too much, we are pretty well travelled and go away most weekends somewhere or visit friends and think a big part of it is he doesn't want to give that up.
OP posts:
Allwokedup · 02/05/2021 18:26

If you want kids you have to leave. Sorry.

Clariana · 02/05/2021 18:27

Ah OP you have my sympathy. You are in the situation I was in 20 ish years ago. I decided children were more important than the relationship, and we split up at my instigation. I quickly met my now DH, we had two children and my relationship is better than the original one, plus I have my beautiful, precious children. I never looked back and have never regretted ending my relationship. Wanting children, or not, is so fundamental I don't think you can compromise on it personally.

Good luck!

oldshoeuk · 02/05/2021 18:30

It makes me very sad, but I would leave. Any relationship can be replaced.

GettingItOutThere · 02/05/2021 18:32

if you want kids, you need to leave him

another thing i noticed about your post, saying you want 1 at 35 and another at 37? I dont mean to sound awful, but how do you know this time you will concieve easily?

you need to be with the right person, right situation (house/settled?), and just go for it. MIght take a year or two to fall pregnant again.
in our 30s, women do not have all the time in the world.

gamerchick · 02/05/2021 18:33

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

Why are you using "they"? Do they ask for people to use they/them or are you trying to hide their gender for some reason?
And then go on to pretty much tell us what the sex of both of them are by the honeytrap comment What's the point?

The one who doesn't always trump's the one who does OP. You have a choice to make and tbh I'd make it sooner rather than later.

Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo · 02/05/2021 18:34

Been in your shoes. Was 31 and ex had said we'll have kids at some stage (together 6 years). I'd had enough, knew I wasn't getting any younger and gave the ultimatum as I knew if I didn't have the chance and try I would resent him and the relationship wouldn't work no matter what. He still couldn't decide so we split. Less than a year later I met my DP, was up front about only wanting to date people who want kids and yes a year later I was pregnant!

You have to put yourself first. You don't want to force anyone to have children as again it'd build resentment but equally you can't stay with someone if that's what you want and they don't. Its a dealbreaker.

SimonJT · 02/05/2021 18:36

I personally would leave, I am someone who has done that as well, so I do know how hard it is. As much as it was a hard decision and I really struggled without him for the first six months it was the right decision for me.

When I started dating my husband I was very clear that I don’t want my son to be an only child, before we got married we sorted our timetable of when we will try to start phase one, discussed how we saw ourselves as parents, including things like both of us going part time, sharing parental leave equally etc.

There are lots of things I would compromise on, children isn’t one of them.

RedHelenB · 02/05/2021 18:36

Do you know a dad your age that could speak to your partner and maybe sell the idea\alieve any worries they have?

Original poster
ChristmasAlone · 02/05/2021 18:37

@oldshoeuk

It makes me very sad, but I would leave. Any relationship can be replaced.
I don't know if this one can, I know it sounds cliché but genuinely believe he is my soul mate. In every other respect he's perfect, round the house he does more than his fair share of the chores and definitely cooks far more often than me. I have male friends that he has no problem with me staying round and enjoy all the same things - more or less. I feel so comfortable around him and can just be an idiot.
OP posts: