AIBU to consider my future with DP - having Children

[ChristmasAlone]

Me and DP have an amazing relationship, very rarely argue. Share many of the same interests and hobbies. Being together at home every day for the last year was a bit stressful for obvious reasons but besides that I couldn't be happier. Genuinely would say we are best friends and I couldn't imagine finding anybody that I would be happier with.

However I would like children one day and DP is just not interested in having them. I think they'd make a good parent, they don't think so - think a lot stems from their relationship with their own parents. When we first got together 8 years ago we spike about kids - we jokingly named them. But when ever it comes up in a serious conversation it's very clear they don't want any.

Obviously I wouldn't honey trap dp and just get pregnant as I feel that is immoral. But I'd love to have children in the not to distant future and I know deep down they won't change their mind.

Would I be stupid to leave the person I love in the pursuit of having children?

You need to tackle this now really. If he definitely doesn’t want children and you definitely do, you have time to find someone else and start a family with them. If you leave it too late, this will be more difficult and you may regret your decision.

I hate to say it, but it's very common for a man to tell a woman he doesn't want kids, allow her to accept it, then leave and have kids with someone else once her clock has run down.

I get so upset by these stories. Such men should be put up against the wall and...not shot, but certainly made to feel very uncomfortable indeed.

I think you are going to have to sit down with him and explain how important having children is to you.

That it's something you've always wanted.

Personally I think if your relationship is as strong as you feel it is, and you explain how massive this is to you, he should Really attempt to get his head round the possibility of being a parent.

Although you say he's your soulmate etc (which is lovely) I suspect that sacrificing your desire to have kids would tarnish your view of him and feelings for him in the longer term.

Just re read. For some reason, I thought you were married. I think you should definitely think seriously about leaving him.

@Egghead81

Not stupid at all

I’d be out the door. Seriously

This.

Let them know exactly how you feel

@colouringindoors

Just re read. For some reason, I thought you were married. I think you should definitely think seriously about leaving him.

It's not something that either of us are really that bothered by. We have spoken about it in the past and I suggested we saved a deposit for a our 1st house before we even considered, I feel that's a far better use of £xxxxx than what is essentially a piece of paper.

You can’t compromise on this OP if you want children.

I can’t have children and had to have that conversation with DH when we met & it was as clear things between us were very serious. I had to give him the chance to walk away because that was only fair.

You have to talk to him because you deserve the same level of fairness if you want children

Don't sacrifice your fertility. It's too precious.

Sorry OP but PP are right. There’s no compromise here. If he acquiesces to having children to keep you, or if you forego your opportunity to try for a family to keep him, then at some point inevitably one of you will resent the other.

Be prepared, however, for the eventuality that he may meet someone else and have children with her.

We have spoken about it in the past and I suggested we saved a deposit for a our 1st house before we even considered, I feel that's a far better use of £xxxxx than what is essentially a piece of paper.

Getting married costs about £200. A marriage certificate is essentially a piece of paper in the same way as your property deeds, passport, birth certificate and a £50 note. All just bits of paper with pretty significant meanings.

My sibling married wanting children whilst their partner didn't. They had a child and the marriage didn't last. In hindsight both of them would probably agree that they should have gone their separate ways long before a child was brought into the equation.

Marriage is a legal contract not just a piece of paper unless you regard all legal contracts you have as just ‘a piece of paper’

We have spoken about it in the past and I suggested we saved a deposit for a our 1st house before we even considered, I feel that's a far better use of £xxxxx than what is essentially a piece of paper.

By that logic the deeds of your house are just a ‘piece of paper’ too.

@TimeForTeaAndG

Why are you using "they"? Do they ask for people to use they/them or are you trying to hide their gender for some reason?

Does it matter? OP might be a man. It might be 2 men, 2 women, a transman and woman, what difference does it make?

OP wants kids and the partner doesn't. The gender of either doesn't really need to come into it.

Tbh it is jarring to read. But the op, she mentioned pregnancy, no mention of ivf so you'd assume a typical hetero couple.

Anyway, I'd probably be on my way out. It's hard but it's better than waiting 5+ years and having the opportunity slip away, having to start over again.

I feel that's a far better use of £xxxxx than what is essentially a piece of paper.

Oh God, not this rubbish again. Don't get married if you don't want to (and certainly not to someone whose life goals are incompatible with yours) but a marriage can be conducted very cheaply, and it's not just a "piece of paper" unless you also feel that way about house deeds and £50 notes. Why does this nonsense persist?

Actually, I find that most women know marriage is more than a "piece of paper" and those who use that as their reason for not doing it (as opposed to because they actively want to stay unmarried) are usually following what the man has said because he doesn't want to commit. Sorry, but that's my observation.

I don't think this is going to work, OP. You don't agree on kids and you're doing the "piece of paper" thing. This just never looks good.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

Why are you using "they"? Do they ask for people to use they/them or are you trying to hide their gender for some reason?

1) why is that your business? 2) They is normal English. 3) repeat 1)

@AnneLovesGilbert

We have spoken about it in the past and I suggested we saved a deposit for a our 1st house before we even considered, I feel that's a far better use of £xxxxx than what is essentially a piece of paper.

Getting married costs about £200. A marriage certificate is essentially a piece of paper in the same way as your property deeds, passport, birth certificate and a £50 note. All just bits of paper with pretty significant meanings.

This. I get really annoyed by the "just a piece of paper" reason to not get married. Money itself is just "paper"...doesnt mean it doesn't still have value. Whenever I hear someone say this I do think they shouldn't get married though as they clearly have no concept of what it actually means (legally etc) and just think marriage=wedding

If you want children, ideally more than one, then you need to walk away sooner than later.

I'd also be privately saving for fertility treatment as a just in case. Your fertility isn't guaranteed.

I'm not someone who thinks having kids is the bw-all end-all and I was very far from always wanting them, but it's a painful truth in life that there is always another man but your window to have children closes and that's it.

Plus I too have seen countless occurrences of where a man who "doesn't want to get married and have children" turns out to have the silent addendum "...to you", and they fuck off and get married and babied up within the year leaving a partner who's essentially given up that chance for them.

I don't believe in soulmates, but even if I did, logic tells us that if there is only one person in the world perfectly matched to you, the odds that you'd ever meet them out of eight or nine billion are absolutely miniscule. 99.9% of people would just have to crack on with a non-soulmate.

You met one man you're compatible with; the odds are heavily that you can and will meet another, as long as you give yourself sufficient time.

I don't want to "sell the idea". I would want partner to want children himself

I think you are very sensible. I know lots of women who were in your position and made a life with someone new. It will all work out.

He may change his mind if it would mean losing you. If he doesn't then it means he doesn't love you enough and its not the soul mate situation you think it is.

Lots of couples one partner wants dc and the other wants to keep partner happy. Usually the man.

Sorry I know its awfully sad but children are a bug deal breaker. You will resent him if you stay.

OP, MN is the best place to come to if you want to be convinced that your relationship is doomed to failure.

By your own admission you are in a decent relationship on every level, something which most of the posters on the relationships board wouldn’t say of their own relationships. But because you haven’t come to an agreement on children you apparently should definitely leave him.

And now that you’ve talked about marriage and the fact you don’t want to that’s wrong as well and clearly your relationship isn’t going to work according to the MN masses.

In short, MN is only happy when someone is leaving/ending a relationship, and that’s the only answer you will ever get here.

With regards to children, you need to have a serious discussion. The reality is that many people, men in particular, don’t realise that they want children until they have them. The longing for a baby just isn’t the same in a man, and children represent a huge change in your life. He may not realise how strongly you feel about it because at the moment he doesn’t feel that way. But as you’ve talked about it in the past that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s led you on or that he’s about to go and have children with someone else.

Talk to him. Tell him that you’ve concluded that he doesn’t want children and that you feel that this means the relationship might not continue for you. After all, he hasn’t said in so many words that he doesn’t want children has he?

As for leaving to have children, think about what you’re leaving and what you’re setting out to do here.

You have a good relationship, you get on, he pulls his weight, you don’t seem to have much conflict, yes this is how relationships should be but the truth is that many aren’t.

So you leave and then what? Go on to online dating and spend a couple of years being pursued by creeps and being sent unsolicited dick pics until you’re fortunate enough to meet someone you click with? The “I left and am happier than I’ve ever been” anecdotes are the ones you’re going to get here because this thread is overwhelmingly full of people who want you to leave what for the most part is a happy relationship. But trust me this won’t have been the case for everyone. But no-one is going to admit that they left a happy relationship and ended up with an abusive narcissist but it was worth it because of the children they had.

And what if you can’t have children? There are no guarantees at this stage. Or what if the man you end up with can’t have them? Or what if you have children with life-long disabilities?

All these are just possibilities, but the reality is that you know what you have now and sometimes it’s better to look at what you have than paint a fantasy about what you want and what might still never be.

The reality is rarely the same as the dream.

Hi op if you are 32 then you may not have years left to conceive. I was over the hill at 30. Not all bodies are the same and even if you are healthy and youthful in other ways you can’t assume fertility past 30 like I did sadly.

@ OP - I have a friend who was in exactly your situation, in a great relationship but no kids. She and her husband divorced as he said he didn't want kids and she knew she did. She soon met someone new, married and had kids. She found out years later that her ex-husband also soon met someone and had kids. For whatever reason, he didn't want kids with my friend or 'saw' a future with kids with someone new - who knows. So although she'll always be curious as to why he didn't want kids with my friend, she is convinced that it was all just meant to be like this and she is grateful to have her lovely children with the man she is now with.

I don't know if this one can, I know it sounds cliché but genuinely believe he is my soul mate

But he's not. You want fundamentally different things from life and having children is not something for compromise. He doesn't want them. You do. You are going to end up resenting each other and, worse, if he gives in and you have one - he will resent being forced into parenthood against his wishes, just as you would resent not having the chance to become one.

Leave now. Allow both of you to move onto relationships that will be more in tune with the lifestyle you both want.

I left someone I loved very much because I wanted children and he didn't. It was very very hard. I was 33 when I left. I did meet someone else and we married when I was 36 and started trying straight away because we were both conscious of my dwindling fertility. It turns out I can't actually have children. Lots of trying and 4 ivf cycles later.

I love my husband, we have our ups and downs but are pretty happy on the whole. I don't feel the same way about him as the man I left. I've come to terms with not having children (not interested in adoption etc). But it's still sometimes hard knowing I left someone I loved that much for something that I didn't end up getting, and now that I'm not getting it I'm actually ok with that. So staying with him and not having children actually might have been the right thing.

I'm just saying, think about the fact that it might not work out as planned if you leave him. You might not been someone else, you might end up 'settling' because time is running out, you or he might be infertile, you might end up with children but it isn't what you hoped it would be. You have to weigh it up and make a decision from there.