AIBU to consider my future with DP - having Children

[ChristmasAlone]

Me and DP have an amazing relationship, very rarely argue. Share many of the same interests and hobbies. Being together at home every day for the last year was a bit stressful for obvious reasons but besides that I couldn't be happier. Genuinely would say we are best friends and I couldn't imagine finding anybody that I would be happier with.

However I would like children one day and DP is just not interested in having them. I think they'd make a good parent, they don't think so - think a lot stems from their relationship with their own parents. When we first got together 8 years ago we spike about kids - we jokingly named them. But when ever it comes up in a serious conversation it's very clear they don't want any.

Obviously I wouldn't honey trap dp and just get pregnant as I feel that is immoral. But I'd love to have children in the not to distant future and I know deep down they won't change their mind.

Would I be stupid to leave the person I love in the pursuit of having children?

@TimeForTeaAndG

Why are you using "they"? Do they ask for people to use they/them or are you trying to hide their gender for some reason?

Does it matter? OP might be a man. It might be 2 men, 2 women, a transman and woman, what difference does it make?

OP wants kids and the partner doesn't. The gender of either doesn't really need to come into it.

The sex is very important here- who’s going to be having the baby etc, who’s likely to take a knock earnings wise etc.

Neither of you are wrong for wanting them or not wanting them but you have a time frame on this whereas he doesn't.

You need to consider a life with children but without him.

You also need to consider a life without him but also without children if it happened that you didn't meet someone/didn't fall pregnant in time/ etc.

I personally think a chat sooner rather than later is necessary to determine both of your outlooks "officially" and take it from there.

Honestly walk away now. You won't change his mind, and if you did it's likely he would resent it (and you). It will only get harder to walk away as time passes so just go now. One person wanting kids and the other not is just insurmountable imho.

I'm sorry OP. It sucks.

@Chunkymenrock

You say you are extremely happy with your partner. Children will change your life irreversibly. Probably controversial, but I'd reconsider this desire to have children when your life sounds so good. No one needs children, the planet does not need more people and by having them, you'll lose this relationship, I know what I'd choose.

Worth considering seriously. It's not a given that you will find someone else to have children with. That's just the reality.

Talk to him op and talk to him now. There is no more ‘waiting to talk’ - you’ve had 8 years. Don’t waste anymore time.

I hate to say it, but it's very common for a man to tell a woman he doesn't want kids, allow her to accept it, then leave and have kids with someone else once her clock has run down.

Sadly I've known a few of these. It's quite common for men to only decide they want kids in their mid 40s. I've known 4 couples like this.... 2 the women walked away in their 30s to have kids with someone else (the bloke who didnt want kids magically changing their mind and having them with a younger woman later on). 1 couple who got lucky, she conceived at 43 but only managed one child. One woman who "accepted" (sorrowfully) the decision not to have kids, only to get dumped for a 31 year old when she was 44. She never managed to have a child, the bastard who left her had 3 .

So by your thirties and after 8 years there has been no move forward made by him for marriage or children?

I would say he's comfortable with you op. And I'd say he probably will get married and have kids one day, but not with you.

I would not waste any more time. The decision to not have children isn't something you can undo.

Hes not that into you.
He will be into a younger model and marry and have babies within 2 years. It happens time and time again.

Serious conversation time I think . If he never changes his mind can you live with that?

To other posters who are saying "The sex of the partner does matter in this case. Suggesting it doesn't is disingenuous."
I actually do think it matters as it would be a financial and time commitment in order to undergo treatment and interventions or the whole adoption process in a same sex relationship.

This is a really tough one because you're talking about something 'real' and comparing it to something unknown. You have two options, as you know, stay or leave.

Staying is not a guarantee of living happily ever after with this man. You may be unable to come to terms with not having children. You may split up, for whatever reason. You need to be sure that he is worth giving up on the idea of children, even if your relationship doesn't actually last.

And also try to remember that there is a lot less pressure on your DP than you. He can (theoretically) have children at any age. So if you run out of time, it doesn't mean he has. I have known situations just like this one where the man who never wanted children ends up having children with a younger woman later down the line.

Then, of course, leaving is not a guarantee of having children. You may find someone who you love even more. You may find someone who is a genuinely good man and you have children with him, but he's not as good a fit for you as your current DP. You may not be able to have children. You may not find anyone else to have a relationship or children with. If you leave, would you be willing to think about having children as a single woman, if you don't meet anyone? What would you be prepared to do to have children?

Only you know the answers to these questions. I think it's worth imagining the best and worst case scenarios and how you would feel about them if you were looking back on your life. If you stay, make sure you're genuinely at peace with not having children, even if your relationship doesn't work out.

@ChristmasAlone

What prompted you to post this thread now? I'm curious about this. What is your instinct telling you to do?

OP. I know women who had abortions early in a relationship and never conceived again. I know women who were with men who didn't want children but who then went on to have several with one or more women. You really don't have as much time left as you think. If this is important to you, you will never forgive him. If he doesn't want children, he will never forgive you. Go your separate ways and both find someone more suitable.

@Crystal90567

Hes not that into you. He will be into a younger model and marry and have babies within 2 years. It happens time and time again.

Or he genuinely doesn’t want children just like many women genuinely don’t want children.

I would leave

And if seriously question the morals and ethics of a man who knows you want children, knows he doesn’t but is willing to waste 8 years of your life at peak fertility when he knows you are fundamentally incompatible. You haven’t even had a proper discussion about this, you say it’s become clear that he doesn’t want kids. He comes across as gutless and selfish and not someone with your best interests at heart.

I think this is hard. You have this desire, and a biological clock at work. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Your partner, on the other hand, doesn’t want children. And in spite of what one or two posters have said, there is nothing wrong with that, either. Both desires are equally valid.
It is not helpful to talk about the partner being selfish or wasting your time, this is not the case. You have both been in this relationship and very happy, from what you say. What is happening, from the sounds of things is that the balance is changing.and you are feeling the drive to be a mother more acutely.
You have a difficult choice here. You could leave your partner and hope you find another OH who wants children,. You also have to hope you are able to have children. None of these things are a given.
Or you could stay with someone whom you say you love and have a great great relationship with you. That’s worth a lot.

I'd ultimatum or go, say it's something you want and if he doesn't you should spilt. I'd also say why were you stressed during lockdown ? Babies are very stressful, so maybe something to consider if your relationship is that perfect ( mine isn't, but I ignored some things)

I did forced my DP into having our first baby with an ultimatum and he said I was right to. I only wished I did it earlier. Personally I had my first at 35 and I think younger would of been better. I had my second at 39, as I had a miscarriage between, then took a bit of time physically and mentally.

You could leave and not find someone to be a father of your child...
You could leave yand use sperm donors and not be a parent either...
You could leave and be pregnant this month...
Do you want to play relationship roulette for a baby? Are you happier to have a child over a relationship?
Only you can answer. I opted for the sperm donor route as that was right for me. But it's meant that it's a very different dynamic to if you anticipated being parents to a shared child within your relationship...
I think that in your position you need to lay your cards in the table explaining if he doesn't want at all that would mean the end of the relationship, on that basis does this change his thinking? He may feel its blackmail, in which case that gives you your answer. He may review and decide that this is better than no relationship...

Things may work out with your current partner but what others are saying is so true. Men often change their minds in their 40s and leave and find someone younger to have children with. It’s quite common.

If you do leave him you may never find another partner you are so happy with. If you are willing to take that risk it’s your choice.

@Rainbowqueeen

I would leave

And if seriously question the morals and ethics of a man who knows you want children, knows he doesn’t but is willing to waste 8 years of your life at peak fertility when he knows you are fundamentally incompatible. You haven’t even had a proper discussion about this, you say it’s become clear that he doesn’t want kids. He comes across as gutless and selfish and not someone with your best interests at heart.

I think it’s up to the OP to put her own best interests at heart and take charge of her own life, not just passively wait for her boyfriend to tell her what’s good for her! She knows he doesn’t want kids, he’s happy how things are so he’s not going to change anything and if she doesn’t either, it’s a bit unreasonable to blame him for that.

OP,

Great advice above.

You are drifting along wasting time.

He is NOT your soulmate.
Children are fundamental to a relationship if you want them and he doesn't.
Not a soulmate.

He is perfectly entitled to not want them.
Perhaps he is not ready.

But YOU are wasting your time and precious years.

8 years with him and ye are not on the same page.

I never would describe my darling husband as my soulmate but I was more on the same page after 8 years than you are.

I think you need to be very careful.
Having children is not the be all and end all BUT if you want them and don't have them because of some naive belief in soulmates you will bitterly regret it.

10 years from now it could be too late for you but he could meet some young woman and have children within the year.

I have seen this sooooo many times being a much older woman.

In my humble opinion he doesn't want children with you.

It is very very very rare for a man truly in love with a woman but still doesn't want children with her.

That is very rare.
Sure it may happen but it is very rare.

I have heard of so many men saying they don't want children and then suddenly turning around with a new partner and are besotted first time fathers in their mid to late 40's.

There are no words to describe the grief and pain their Ex's were left with at seeing them having what they refused to have with them.

Do not have a life of regrets.

He is not your soulmate.

It is very very very rare for a man truly in love with a woman but still doesn't want children with her.

I think this is sexist nonsense.

How would you feel if you never have children because of his viewpoint? Will you end up resenting him? Will his refusal to have DC poison your relationship?

DH and I come from totally different cultures so we had a lot of discussions about expectations before we married. I know if one of us didn’t want children we couldn’t have lasted.

Problem as I see it is this...

Do you love him more than the desire to have children? If not, leave.

But there are no guarantees. You may or may not meet someone else (decent men don't appear to grow on trees judging by MN)
If you do meet someone else, babies may still not appear.

So you could, potentially, split up from the love of your life for a hypothetical situation

Unless you're prepared to have children alone

@CounsellorTroi

It is very very very rare for a man truly in love with a woman but still doesn't want children with her.

I think this is sexist nonsense.

I actually think it’s very true. Uncomfortable yes, but true. How many times have we seen it on here that the man who ‘never wanted kids’ has now shacked up with a younger woman and had kids, after a long relationship in which he insisted he didn’t want kids.

If someone told me he didn’t want kids I’d take it as 90% the case that he didn’t want kids WITH ME. And 10% likely that he would never want kids regardless of who he was with.

In any case it doesn’t really matter to the OP which is true here. He doesn’t want kids with her and that’s all the information she needs in order to make her own decisions about her own life and future.