Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

AIBU to consider my future with DP - having Children

155 replies

ChristmasAlone · 02/05/2021 17:08

Me and DP have an amazing relationship, very rarely argue. Share many of the same interests and hobbies. Being together at home every day for the last year was a bit stressful for obvious reasons but besides that I couldn't be happier. Genuinely would say we are best friends and I couldn't imagine finding anybody that I would be happier with.

However I would like children one day and DP is just not interested in having them. I think they'd make a good parent, they don't think so - think a lot stems from their relationship with their own parents. When we first got together 8 years ago we spike about kids - we jokingly named them. But when ever it comes up in a serious conversation it's very clear they don't want any.

Obviously I wouldn't honey trap dp and just get pregnant as I feel that is immoral. But I'd love to have children in the not to distant future and I know deep down they won't change their mind.

Would I be stupid to leave the person I love in the pursuit of having children?

OP posts:

toocold54 · 02/05/2021 18:40

Is there a chance he doesn’t want children with you because he’s very concerned re the likelihood of the child having autism, and also how you would fare?

I don’t think this would ever cross anyone’s mind. I know someone who had just had a baby she’s 45 and he’s 70 - autism was the last thing on their minds.

OP it’s so sad but if you are so sure you want children then you need to leave. As you both want different things you could potentially maintain a good friendship which would be nice.

Original poster

ChristmasAlone · 02/05/2021 18:40

@GettingItOutThere

if you want kids, you need to leave him

another thing i noticed about your post, saying you want 1 at 35 and another at 37? I dont mean to sound awful, but how do you know this time you will concieve easily?

you need to be with the right person, right situation (house/settled?), and just go for it. MIght take a year or two to fall pregnant again.
in our 30s, women do not have all the time in the world.

I mean those ages in an ideal world, I know it doesn't happen with a click of a finger but that's when I'd like to try conceive and age gap I'd like between the children. I know in reality it's unlikely to play out like that. I don't want to start at 40 something and potentially have to deal with teenagers approaching my 60s.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChristmasAlone · 02/05/2021 18:41

@toocold54

Is there a chance he doesn’t want children with you because he’s very concerned re the likelihood of the child having autism, and also how you would fare?

I don’t think this would ever cross anyone’s mind. I know someone who had just had a baby she’s 45 and he’s 70 - autism was the last thing on their minds.

OP it’s so sad but if you are so sure you want children then you need to leave. As you both want different things you could potentially maintain a good friendship which would be nice.

Egg has apologised and said it was the wrong thread.

OP posts:

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/05/2021 18:41

I understand why you want to hash this out with strangers on the Internet, but ultimately you need to sit down with your DP and talk to them about the strength of your desire for children. Then, if you’re right about him really not wanting them you need to decide whether to leave. Internet strangers can’t make that decision for you and whether or not we think it’s reasonable is neither here nor there. It’s your life. You only live once.

I would say that, in research, older people who don’t have children are at least as happy as those who do. I don’t think you doom your life making either choice, you will need to weather storms whatever you decide.

toocold54 · 02/05/2021 18:42

It's a fundamental difference, and not something that be compromised. Nobody is in the wrong but things like this breed resentment.

If you truly want children, you need to amicably part ways and allow each other to find someone who is a better fit.

Absolutely this. This isn’t something that can be compromised on unfortunately.

toocold54 · 02/05/2021 18:42

Egg has apologised and said it was the wrong thread.

I apologise I didn’t see that part.

ShirleyPhallus · 02/05/2021 18:44

I was in your situation and ended up breaking up with my partner for this very reason. It was hideous, I was so upset. But less than a year later I met my (now) husband, we spoke about babies / marriage on our second date to check we both had the same goals and we had a house / baby / wedding less than 2 years later.

I am also significantly happier than I ever was with the first guy, I can’t tell you how content just being in a stable relationship where we have everything mapped out makes me

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/05/2021 18:48

He may seem perfect for you but if you stay with him and forgo children there’s a big possibility resentment will creep in, or he will change his mind in his 40s you will be too old and he will move on to someone younger and procreate.
You need a frank discussion on wants and see how you both feel. If he adamantly doesn’t want children then move on whilst young.

Kangaroobill · 02/05/2021 18:50

My friend was in this position although he kept stalling, I want kids when we’re married, then it was when they had a bigger house, then a bigger car, then not at all and she was 36. She decided to stay because she loved him. She seems happy but also lonely, she has no family around her now sadly, just him and her good friends.
You need to have an honest discussion and then decide if he’s worth the sacrifice. I don’t think any man would be worth that sacrifice to me.

Prisonbreak · 02/05/2021 18:58

My ex bf of 9 years was desperate for kids and I wasn’t. I ended things because he put too much pressure on me (among other things)
He now has 2 kids and is in a new relationship and I have a much better, healthier, happier relationship with the man I met after him. That’s nearly 10 years ago.
We both got what we wanted. It was for
the best

Original poster

ChristmasAlone · 02/05/2021 19:05

@BoomBoomsCousin

Obviously I'm not taking the advice I receive on here as my definitive answer. I just wondered what other people thought. We share many of the same friends so can't really talk to them and I imagine my mum would tell me to stay and try convince him to change his mind - which I don't think I would like to do anyway. I will have a chat with him in the near future when I feel the time is right and see where we go from here.

OP posts:

MadMadMadamMim · 02/05/2021 19:11

This really isn't something you can come to a compromise on. He's very clear that he doesn't want children. Wistfully saying how good he'd be as a parent, or how marvellous he is with his goddaughter is pointless. He doesn't want children of his own.

And you do.

You have to decide if you are prepared to give up the idea of children forever to stay with this man. Or if you are prepared to end the relationship now - because you are almost 33 and there's no point continuing any longer with this - so that you have a chance to meet someone else who would like children.

It's a really stark choice, I'm afraid.

NoraEphronsNeck · 02/05/2021 19:15

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

Why are you using "they"? Do they ask for people to use they/them or are you trying to hide their gender for some reason?

My thoughts exactly

user113424742258631134 · 02/05/2021 19:18

Doesn't the concept of soul mates come from the belief that the gods ripped each soul in half so that one half was born into a female body and one a male body with each put on earth to spend their life looking for the other half of their soul or be doomed to suffer for eternity?

I'm not sure it's really a sound basis for making this decision.

No future relationship will ever be like this one, but that's not to say you wouldn't have another relationship that was wonderful, fulfilling and meaningful albeit different.

It should be a given that a partner doesn't interfere in your friendships and pulls their weight in your shared life. Those aren't special things that make him rare and extraordinary. You shouldn't expect any less from a partner.

Breaking a bond is painful, especially if he was your first serious relationship or first decent relationship after toxic ones. You've shared most of your adult life to date with him. But you could live another fifty years.

As an outsider looking in it sounds like it would cause you much more pain in the long run to give up your chance to be a mum for him - and the relationship might not survive that either.

Original poster

ChristmasAlone · 02/05/2021 19:21

I have mild dyslexia in my head it makes more sense to use they when writing.

OP posts:

Chunkymenrock · 02/05/2021 19:22

You say you are extremely happy with your partner. Children will change your life irreversibly. Probably controversial, but I'd reconsider this desire to have children when your life sounds so good. No one needs children, the planet does not need more people and by having them, you'll lose this relationship, I know what I'd choose.

AgentJohnson · 02/05/2021 19:22

I will have a chat with him in the near future when I feel the time is right and see where we go from here.

You really don’t have to time piss about with kicking this particular can down another road. Do you want children, if the answer is yes then you need to leave sooner rather than later and start making decisions that get you closer to your goal. The more time you waste hoping he’ll change his mind, the less time you have available to conceive. Your fertility isn’t guaranteed.

snowdropsandcrocuses · 02/05/2021 19:24

Perhaps a contrary view but are you sure you want kids? It will literally change your path forever. I say this as a mum of two kids whom I love with all my heart.

However, I'm poorer, fatter, and everything we have goes into raising a family. We can't just nip off for the weekend, we can't skip a meal because we're busy or not hungry, the chores double, it comes with an awful lot of stress and difficulty

Don't get me wrong, I honestly wouldn't be without my children. They are my world. But I do know if I knew then what I know now I would have to think long and hard before I chose to have kids. I'm not completely sure I would do the same again. It changes your relationship too. It has a massive impact on friendships.

All of that said, if you have a strong yearning for kids, you really don't have any other choice but to leave else you will just resent him.

Mistressinthetulips · 02/05/2021 19:25

I thought 35 was a good age but ended up having dc1 at 36 and dc2 at 42 - things don't always go as smoothly as you want, even if you have one dc.

ViciousJackdaw · 02/05/2021 19:25

@RedHelenB

Do you know a dad your age that could speak to your partner and maybe sell the idea\alieve any worries they have?

What the actual fuck?

steff13 · 02/05/2021 19:27

Does it matter? OP might be a man. It might be 2 men, 2 women, a transman and woman, what difference does it make?

The OP mentioned a "honey trap." That makes it unlikely it's two men or two women.

Original poster

ChristmasAlone · 02/05/2021 19:30

I missed this, I don't want to "sell the idea". I would want partner to want children himself, let's be realistic how long term do you think someone would stay around if they were convinced by Bob to have a few kids over a couple of pints when it's not something they previously wanted?

OP posts:

lunar1 · 02/05/2021 19:30

He can change his mind a decade or two after your fertile days are behind you. If you want children you need to leave him.

Neome · 02/05/2021 19:40

(Btw I often find it more natural to write they too)

A long time ago I was in a relationship where the other person came to a very definite conclusion about whether they wanted children. I wasn’t sure I could go down that road with them and eventually took a couple of months out of my usual routine to go away alone on a challenge and think it through. I thought about what was right for me. They were supportive and we were in contact but the trip I was on meant we weren’t constantly on the phone.

Now, with the benefit of hindsight, I know the consequences of the decision I came to, some great, some difficult. I don’t regret my decision at all and I’m really glad I gave myself the time and space I needed.

The other path would have had different positives and negatives. Either would have been a reasonable/logical choice. I did what ultimately felt right at the time.

yetmorewaiting · 02/05/2021 19:47

I was in this situation 18 years ago - I'd already compromised on not getting married as he didn't believe in it and we'd had 2 abortions in the very early days of our relationship bit after 5 years together and in our early 30s he said he couldn't ever see himself having children, I left it him. It hurt me for a very long time, way past finding out he'd married and had his first child. He obviously didn't not want marriage and children, he just didn't want them with with me and that took a lot of accepting.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7