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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider my future with DP - having Children

155 replies

ChristmasAlone · 02/05/2021 17:08

Me and DP have an amazing relationship, very rarely argue. Share many of the same interests and hobbies. Being together at home every day for the last year was a bit stressful for obvious reasons but besides that I couldn't be happier. Genuinely would say we are best friends and I couldn't imagine finding anybody that I would be happier with.

However I would like children one day and DP is just not interested in having them. I think they'd make a good parent, they don't think so - think a lot stems from their relationship with their own parents. When we first got together 8 years ago we spike about kids - we jokingly named them. But when ever it comes up in a serious conversation it's very clear they don't want any.

Obviously I wouldn't honey trap dp and just get pregnant as I feel that is immoral. But I'd love to have children in the not to distant future and I know deep down they won't change their mind.

Would I be stupid to leave the person I love in the pursuit of having children?

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 06/05/2021 10:48

This is a deal breakers situation. It isn't resolvable.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 06/05/2021 10:52

Nope, I'd leave someone over this. I'd be giving him an ultimatum......

XelaM · 06/05/2021 11:06

It's completely immoral and I will get flamed for this, but in your position I would "honey trap" him.

CounsellorTroi · 06/05/2021 11:09

@XelaM

It's completely immoral and I will get flamed for this, but in your position I would "honey trap" him.
This would grossly selfish and be terribly unfair on the child. She doesn’t have a right to a child with him. But all children deserve to be wanted by both parents. And she really wouldn’t be in a position to moan if he doesn’t pull his weight as a parent.
WhenPushComesToShove · 06/05/2021 11:42

I would not have married my husband if he had said a definite no to children. I knew in my heart of hearts that assuming it would be possible, I definitely wanted children in my future. My resentment towards him for refusing me that would have destroyed our relationship because we would be living on terms that he had imposed on me. Good luck whatever you decide

Missmonkeypenny · 06/05/2021 11:47

Not wanting kids would be a deal breaker for me, OP. It's not something I would be able to get part or compromise on.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 06/05/2021 11:47

@XelaM

It's completely immoral and I will get flamed for this, but in your position I would "honey trap" him.
It is immoral but I'm sure this happens all the time!

One way around it could be to say you are going to stop taking the pill and it's up to him to be in charge of contraception from now on.....most men don't like condoms so he might end up honey trapping himself!

nanbread · 06/05/2021 11:55

My friend did this, left her partner and 10 years later hasn't met anyone else, is now peri menopausal and chances of DC almost zero.

BusyLizzie61 · 06/05/2021 12:03

@nanbread

My friend did this, left her partner and 10 years later hasn't met anyone else, is now peri menopausal and chances of DC almost zero.
However, plenty of women have become mothers via sperm donors. So maybe she didn't want to be a mother enough and chose to sacrifice this?
ChameleonKola · 06/05/2021 12:42

@XelaM

It's completely immoral and I will get flamed for this, but in your position I would "honey trap" him.
You’d have to be such a selfish low life to do that. The sort of person who’d make an absolutely shit parent. Just morally debased.
YuXV · 06/05/2021 13:01

Met DH at uni when children were so far off in the future the conversation never happened. DH then wanted them quite young (mid 20's after we married) but we always just pushed the conversation to one side due to career, holidays, moving house .

We got to 31/32 and suddenly really seriously needed to decide and started talking about it properly. I realised all our friends were moving onto that stage and our lives were standing still a bit as nobody was around for nights out/holidays anymore. So I ended up with my 1st at 33, and second at 36.

But the conversation could have gone either way a year earlier and if he had said it was a deal breaker at 30 I would probably have left. Timing of the conversation is important, but you are coming up to crunch time for fertility so probably need to start the discussions soon Flowers

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 06/05/2021 13:28

Purposefully becoming pregnant against your partner’s wishes is a lot of things but it is not a ‘honey trap’.

Original poster
ChristmasAlone · 06/05/2021 16:32

I had the coil which caused issues, I didn't want to take the pill so he rubbers up.

I wouldn't honey trap some one as it's completely immoral, yes if an accident happened it happened and we would discuss it. To actually have the intentions is a whole other thing and genuinely can't believe people would actually do it or suggest it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasAlone · 06/05/2021 16:33

@PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat

Purposefully becoming pregnant against your partner’s wishes is a lot of things but it is not a ‘honey trap’.
Would would you call it?
OP posts:
DeadlyMedally · 06/05/2021 16:43

@MayorGoodwaysChicken
Looking at my friendship groups in my 30s, I don't think many men actively want children.
I think a lot will agree to then if they're with someone who insists and they worry about their ability to attract another (similarly or more attractive) partner which may tie into the phenomenon of men getting a "younger model" pregnant.

Dishwashersaurous · 06/05/2021 16:54

It’s really simple.

You need to truly completely ask yourself the question. Would you rather have him in your life or a child with anyone in your life?

Do you want children or do you only want children with him- which isn’t an option?

If you would rather be a single parent with a child than have him then you need to leave.

I suggest that you book yourself a week away somewhere and just go and think for a whole week. Tell him that you are going away to decide whether you can stay in the relationship without children.

Then go away from each other, home, work and friends and just think for a week

Dishwashersaurous · 06/05/2021 16:55

A honey trap is normally used to refer to a beautiful woman ensnaring a married man or to get someone to do something illegal.
Not forced pregnancy

ChameleonKola · 06/05/2021 17:19

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honey_trapping

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 06/05/2021 17:25

I would call it a form of fraud which invalidates the partner’s consent. But it’s not a honey trap - that is specifically the promise or lure of sex to procure information from someone. You can’t honey trap someone you’re already sleeping with!

gannett · 06/05/2021 17:51

It is very very very rare for a man truly in love with a woman but still doesn't want children with her.

Absolute nonsense.

We have a long way to go before child-free couples are seen as normal, don't we?

You don't have a child with someone because you love them. That's not how it works.

Crystal90567 · 06/05/2021 18:04

It's not a honey trap. Millions of women do it including most of my circle of mum friends.
"I just forgot to take the pill for a few months." (Slightly guilty but smug smile)

Probably be roasted on here. But it doesn't stop it being true.

ChameleonKola · 06/05/2021 18:07

@Crystal90567

It's not a honey trap. Millions of women do it including most of my circle of mum friends. "I just forgot to take the pill for a few months." (Slightly guilty but smug smile)

Probably be roasted on here. But it doesn't stop it being true.

The fact it happens doesn’t change how appalling it is. Not sure anyone would disagreed with you that it does happen 🤷🏻‍♀️

And you’re right, it’s not a honey trap, people have explained that’s a completely separate and unrelated thing.

Crystal90567 · 06/05/2021 18:09

Unfair on the child! Ha! To have a privileged upbringing with every luxury, lots of clubs activities, massive house and car. Two parents who love the child unconditionally. Very MC life.
That is the always result of getting pregnant proactively by the woman, in all of the many cases I know. Men love their babies when they see them. They dont love the idea of it like women do. They need the concrete not the abstract.

Egghead81 · 06/05/2021 18:28

I hate to say it, but it's very common for a man to tell a woman he doesn't want kids, allow her to accept it, then leave and have kids with someone else once her clock has run down.

My children’s father said that before meeting me he’d never wanted children. Ever.

He said he met me, fell in love and suddenly was desperate for children.

It happens quite often I suspect

ChameleonKola · 06/05/2021 18:32

@Crystal90567

Unfair on the child! Ha! To have a privileged upbringing with every luxury, lots of clubs activities, massive house and car. Two parents who love the child unconditionally. Very MC life. That is the always result of getting pregnant proactively by the woman, in all of the many cases I know. Men love their babies when they see them. They dont love the idea of it like women do. They need the concrete not the abstract.
You sound unhinged. And given that you don’t respect a person’s right to their own bodily autonomy (I.e. you think it’s okay to have unprotected sex with someone who is under the belief, because they trust you, that it’s protected) you sound like a sex offender.

Next up: man stealthily removes his condom without female partner knowing, in order to get her pregnant. But it’s totally fine cos the kid ended up with a lot of resources and his mum came around.