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AIBU?

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Original poster

Losing friends due to who I'm marrying

551 replies

coppafeel · 02/05/2021 15:09

I'm due to marry someone, I hate to use the word 'famous' so I will say someone 'well known' - a D list celeb if you may. We are due to get married in December. Been with him for 2 years and throughout those 2 years I have been lost really good or so I thought, friends.

He is very controversial figure and so many of my friends have opinions about his views and can't even tolerate him for me. I'm at a loss of what to do, my friends were my life and were there for me through all the bad times but they have turned on me since meeting my partner. I can't just not be with the man I love because of their views but I don't understand why they cannot separate his views from me.

What can I do here?

OP posts:
balloonsandboobies · 02/05/2021 15:28

@coppafeel can you give us a general idea of why his views are "controversial". Is he the male equivalent of Katie Hopkins for example?

Spanglebangle · 02/05/2021 15:28

If you are too lazy to find out and understand what his political views are maybe ask your friends.

If you don't bother to find out you won't know if your friends are being unreasonable or not.

You say it goes over your head and you think his views are just the other end of the political spectrum. I'm willing to bet it is more than that.

JudyGemstone · 02/05/2021 15:28

*shouldn’t just drop you that should say.

I don’t think I would do this to a close friend, I might privately judge/worry but I wouldn’t drop someone I loved.

Have you spoken to them openly about it all?

Sunshin388 · 02/05/2021 15:29

If you marry someone, it means you either support their views or at least respect these views enough to be with them. I wouldn't be friends with a woman marrying a man with views I can't stand because it means we have nothing in common anymore. You've made your choice, OP, now live with it.

SummerInSun · 02/05/2021 15:29

@sonjadog

You are about to make a serious commitment to this man, and he will be the father of future children, if you have them. His views will be shared with your children and will go into forming who they are. He will be the man at your side at family events, social functions. You don't have to be politically interested, but you really should spend some time finding out what his views are and thinking about if they agree with your own moral code and worldview before you marry him. Love is great and love is important. But it only goes so far and a good marriage requires you to share certain core values.
Well said!
GertiMJN · 02/05/2021 15:29

I'm baffled by your relationship OP. How can you contemplate a lifelong commitment to a man who's strong political views "go over your head".
What do you talk about? How are you compatible?
I'm not saying partners need to agree on everything but his views are clearly an essential part of who he is.
And these views do not go over the heads of your friends- they understand and dislike him for those views.

WeeDonkey · 02/05/2021 15:29

@Waxonwaxoff0

If it's someone like Tommy Robinson or Laurence Fox then I'd have to distance myself from you too. I don't want to spend time with someone like that or someone who chooses to marry them.
Me too. I'd avoid them like the plague.
Doyoumind · 02/05/2021 15:30

I think you would be incredibly naive to marry someone whose views are deemed controversial but which you don't understand well enough to have an opinion on. Why don't you look into it, learn about it and then see if you agree. If you're planning to marry and potentially have children with someone I'm shocked you don't think it's important to understand that side of him.

Squoozie · 02/05/2021 15:30

@MorrisZapp

His views are him. He isn't a separate entity from the things he says.

Absolutely this. People's views and the things they say and believe in are what makes them them.

JustFedUpOfThis · 02/05/2021 15:31

Perhaps you could discuss the responses you have received on this thread? His reaction will be quite telling. It could be

A. Looks crushed and says wow I didn’t realise just voting Tory was so controversial. Or
B. Mum sent is fucking full of woke bitches l - don’t listen to these cunts. And I hate your friends anyway.

LetSophieGo · 02/05/2021 15:31

if it's L Fox I'd have to ditch him if only for his permanent cat's bum face.

Angry little man.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 02/05/2021 15:31

In most circumstances I think it's absolute madness to condemn someone on the basis of their partner's views. Married couples don't only have one brain between them. It's perfectly possible to marry and still maintain your own independence of thought, otherwise why did the suffragists bother to waste their time?

The one exception I can see is choosing to stand by someone who has abused children. There's one, notable 'z list' example I can think of in that category. That, I would judge.

Otherwise it's tantamount to the kind of married couples I laugh at who can't maintain any independence of thought, word and deed. These are sort frequently heard to say 'WE think ...'

Ridiculous.

ThatIsMyPotato · 02/05/2021 15:31

Make sure you understand his views before you marry him. You might change your mind.

tara66 · 02/05/2021 15:32

Don't want to be offensive but look what happened to Eva Braun.

funnylittlefloozie · 02/05/2021 15:33

Ooh ooh, is it Anjem Chaudhury? Fits the bill in being utterly repellent, vaguely political, and absolutely not someone I would ever choose to socialise with.

I think he already has a wife though.

Rewis · 02/05/2021 15:34

They judge you for the company you keep. Politics is reflection of values and marrying someone with certain values is quietly accepting the values. Some are a dealbrekaer and some are not.

If your friends are fundamentalist Christian and he is a strong advocate for same sex marriage, that shows to your friends that you are willing to accept sin and go against the bible which tells that you and your friends don't share the same values.
It seems that for your friends the she difference is big enough.

SparklyLeprechaun · 02/05/2021 15:35

So many people say they don't understand or care about politics... politics is the price of the bread you eat, the quality of the schools your kids go to, the healthcare you receive, the society you live in. Are you seriously saying that your boyfriend holds political views that are controversial enough to cause a backlash, but you've got no opinion on them? Do you at least understand why your friends dislike his views?

GreenSlide · 02/05/2021 15:35

Don't marry someone who's views are so awful that you end up isolated from all your friends and family. That'll be a lonely life, listening to him banging on about how homeless people don't deserve help and lone parents are scroungers etc.

Wizzbangfizz · 02/05/2021 15:36

If a friend of mine was marrying James O'Brien I couldn't have anything to do with them

FatCatThinCat · 02/05/2021 15:36

If your friends are walking away from you I expect his views are far more offensive than you're letting on. The fact that you can't see that is probably a big part of the problem.

randomer · 02/05/2021 15:36

Trying to think about controversial political views.....like what?

Anti semitic
Capitalism stinks
People should pay for Healthcare
Vaccines are rubbish
The Royal Family are brilliant

MargosKaftan · 02/05/2021 15:37

His political views are a big part who he is.

You like who he is.

Your friends don't like his views, and must be presuming you share them and are possibly not the person they thought you were.

I do judge someone by the company they keep.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/05/2021 15:37

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

In most circumstances I think it's absolute madness to condemn someone on the basis of their partner's views. Married couples don't only have one brain between them. It's perfectly possible to marry and still maintain your own independence of thought, otherwise why did the suffragists bother to waste their time?

The one exception I can see is choosing to stand by someone who has abused children. There's one, notable 'z list' example I can think of in that category. That, I would judge.

Otherwise it's tantamount to the kind of married couples I laugh at who can't maintain any independence of thought, word and deed. These are sort frequently heard to say 'WE think ...'

Ridiculous.

I disagree. If someone marries someone who has racist or sexist views for example, then they are deeming it acceptable to them. And someone who thinks racism or sexism is acceptable is someone I do not want to be around. Silence is compliance.
CaptainMyCaptain · 02/05/2021 15:38

@ghostyslovesheets

I don't know any z list vocally very left wing politically active controversial ones though
Eddie Izzard?
CaptainMyCaptain · 02/05/2021 15:39

Seriously, you need to think about what you actually believe, what your values are and then decide who you want to ally yourself with. You could end up very lonely if the people you have, so far, been involved with all hate him.

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