Losing friends due to who I'm marrying

[coppafeel]

I'm due to marry someone, I hate to use the word 'famous' so I will say someone 'well known' - a D list celeb if you may. We are due to get married in December. Been with him for 2 years and throughout those 2 years I have been lost really good or so I thought, friends.

He is very controversial figure and so many of my friends have opinions about his views and can't even tolerate him for me. I'm at a loss of what to do, my friends were my life and were there for me through all the bad times but they have turned on me since meeting my partner. I can't just not be with the man I love because of their views but I don't understand why they cannot separate his views from me.

What can I do here?

If he's got views that suggest a dodgy moral compass then your friends are likely appalled that you're endorsing them (by not challenging him) so I can see why they would distance themselves from you.
The relevance of him being a "Zeleb" is that his views will have a greater reach than your average Joe or Steve so have the potential to cause real harm. Who wants to be associated with that?

Do you have other friends who like him? You can choose not to be with him if everyone you trust thinks he is awful and it is an awful idea for you to be together.

It depends on his views and why he is controversial really... racism, misogyny, religious intolerance etc are (rightly) dealbreakers for many people.

Controversial because of something innocent that your friends find annoying is a different thing though.

Can you tell us roughly what makes him controversial?

I really wanna know who it is 🤣

I wouldn't tolerate racism, sexism, transphobia, disablism or homophobia in my social circle for anyone.

I don't know who he is, or what his views are, but if he is expressing intolerable views there's a choice to make, either him and people who share his views, or the friends and family you have built up yourself who's views align with yours.

I thought Tommy Robinson / SY-L as well - if one of my friends was marrying a pound-shop fascist, I would abandon the friendship too. Its not like you could ever socialise together or anything, is it?

His views are him. He isn't a separate entity from the things he says.

If I was your friend, I think I'd feel that you must have changed and now share the same controversial views (most people seek and marry a partner with the same values and outlook) or feel that you're compromising yourself. This would probably lead to feeling that I could no longer be friends (because you no longer share my values) and/or support the relationship.

Are they a member of a recognisably racist/sexist/xenophobic group or political leaning? If so, it will be understandably very difficult for friends who aren't like him to tolerate his company/conversation. If he as opinionated about it all like those mentioned above then I would find it hard too.

Also, if you don't agree with his views, what will your future social circle look like when you're married to him? If friends are turning away from you, do you not run the risk of having new friends who are also not as tolerant and/or share views of soon to be DH?

Just spit balling here, as this situation sounds very tricky indeed!

If you don’t understand his views then you really need to sit and have a conversation with him. Or outright ask your friends what it is that they feel is outrageous and why. Try to get to grips with his ideas.

If it's someone like Tommy Robinson or Laurence Fox then I'd have to distance myself from you too. I don't want to spend time with someone like that or someone who chooses to marry them.

the celeb bit its just vague booking really (dying for people to ask who it is) - honestly I'm with your mates!

If you're having any kind of doubts, then he's not the one

And I want to know what his opinions are. And if it’s Nige (but wasn’t he seeing a rather ‘opinionated’ french woman)?

If his views were abhorrent to me I’d not want to have him in my life and I would judge someone that chose to spend their life with them so would probably pull away from the friendship.

If your boyfriend just votes differently/has different political views to your friends then they’re being a bit unreasonable.

If he actually says and does things that cause harm/offence then that’s more understandable, but if they’re properly good friends to you then they should just drop you.

If is is Mr Fox, I hope he treats you better than Billie!

Funny how we all assume he’s got dodgy right wing views! 😂

Look, your friends think less of you because of your choice and what sort of person they believe that choice makes you and no longer want you in their lives.

Whether that's fair or not, extreme or not, judgemental or not, doesn't really matter. They've walked away and it's best to just accept it and move on. See if you can pal up with some of his friends.

Lawrence Fox would be an awkward one. I’m still amused about him being out manoeuvred by a man with a bin on his head. I feel sorry for Billie but at least they’re divorced

Is it really to do with opposing political views or is it that he holds views that are fundamentally intolerant?

I have friends who are my political opposite and can't imagine any of them cutting me off for it or putting distance between us. I can imagine any of us putting some distance between us and a couple who (directly or indirectly) endorse discriminatory and hateful views. That wouldn't be about politics, it would be to do with what kind of people they show themselves to be

It would be helpful if you gave us an example of one of his views that your friends don’t agree with. It could just be their views that are awful, not his!

I don't know any z list vocally very left wing politically active controversial ones though

I don't really see how anyone not being interested in politics is the same as not understanding politics, there's enough easily accessible media out there from a range of sources. You could understand both your friends and your partner's stances if you just bothered to try really it. It might help to understand why your friends are so against him and his opinions. Ignorance isn't an excuse.

Does he play up his opinions to gain attention (think there's a lot of this going around) as it brings in money or does he genuinely believe these controversial opinions he's spouting? Is politics his career or is he more of a personality with a political slant?

Either way, I can see why your friends are pulling back and don't want to get to know him especially if they feel there's more than enough in the media that they feel they know what he's like. Controversial in itself isn't necessarily bad (plenty of controversial political point), it just depend on what they are and what he's actually said about them.

You are about to make a serious commitment to this man, and he will be the father of future children, if you have them. His views will be shared with your children and will go into forming who they are. He will be the man at your side at family events, social functions. You don't have to be politically interested, but you really should spend some time finding out what his views are and thinking about if they agree with your own moral code and worldview before you marry him. Love is great and love is important. But it only goes so far and a good marriage requires you to share certain core values.

Do his views embarrass you? Or do you think people are over reacting?
Do you share his views up to a point?

Or are your views more like your friends' views?!