Losing friends due to who I'm marrying

[coppafeel]

I'm due to marry someone, I hate to use the word 'famous' so I will say someone 'well known' - a D list celeb if you may. We are due to get married in December. Been with him for 2 years and throughout those 2 years I have been lost really good or so I thought, friends.

He is very controversial figure and so many of my friends have opinions about his views and can't even tolerate him for me. I'm at a loss of what to do, my friends were my life and were there for me through all the bad times but they have turned on me since meeting my partner. I can't just not be with the man I love because of their views but I don't understand why they cannot separate his views from me.

What can I do here?

No but they've often experienced it briefly "ffs".

Im an Irish person whose first temp job in london was with a housing association. I was the only young non white employee. They were all friendly to each other and it took me a while to actually get that i was not welcome to join in. I tried. At first i honestly didnt get it.
So im glad i experienced it. It gave me understanding. I could step out of this experience very easily. But it happened. It was racism. It wasnt institutional racism but it did happen and i know how lucky it is to be able to step out of the experience by merely changing job. Im glad i experienced it though. Eye opening.

I meant i was the only young white employee.

Again, you obviously haven’t understood it because nobody is talking about just wholly (or even just partially) removing funding.

There is definitely a vocal subset of BLM supporters that wants to abolish the police and prisons altogether. I've heard them say the police should be replaced with social workers who are trained in karate. I've heard them say rapists and murderers should be given free counselling instead of going to prison.

But it's a moot point, anyway. I doubt all of the OP's friends would have distanced themselves from her if she were just dating a man who disagrees with abolishing the entire justice system. It sounds as though her fiance is one of those "but George Floyd brought it on himself by doing drugs" types.

@coppafeel

It was in relation to the BLM movement, he had differing opinions on that situation but he is not racist, he just didn't agree with it.

I couldn’t be friends with someone who was marrying a racist either, especially a vocal racist. And if he’s a white man making derogatory comments about BLM, you can guarantee he’s a racist. I would struggle to see any friend of mine getting into a relationship with someone like that the same way ever again, and since politics goes “over your head”, you’ll be spouting the same crap any day now.

Views like this have harmful consequences for real life people, OP.

White people who go around whining that they’re victims of racism are pathetic.

Pathetic? Nice little racist attitude you're displaying towards Jewish people there Sugar
Many (but not all) are white. And they most definitely do experience racism.

It's hard to judge without knowing his views and your friends views, I understand why you can't tell us all the details. But if all your friends all dislike him, I'd see it as a red flag and a reason to look into it further. You say you aren't political and his views go over your head, but I think you need to do some research and decide for yourself. You don't want to marry someone who isn't a good person and sometimes extreme views can be an indicator of this. Why doesn't he agree with BLM? How does he feel about other subjects? How would he view someone on benefits due to ill health? What about child refugees? Does he have compassion for those who are less fortunate? You need to dig deep and assess his views on a wide range of subjects, what kind of man he is and whether your friends are overreacting, or whether they are assessing his character correctly.

And where did you hear this @ZoeCM?

@ZoeCM Social workers trained in karate? There are valid arguments r.e. police abolition. In my experience the police make situations exponentially worse and no amount of reform is going to change it - reforming the police is a bit like asking for a make-over but as well as dyeing your hair, asking the hair dresser to also give you new DNA.

What you haven't considered OP is that if you have BAME friends, then they don't have a choice but to dump you to save these from being racially abused. You might only have white friends and they are distancing themselves because his views are abhorrent. However, if any of them are BAME then dropping you will be a self preservation tactic. You need to apply some critical thinking here, you might end up spouting the same toxic poison.

Is it that SAS guy who parted ways with channel 4 recently?

You marry him and accept the loss of your friendships, or you think about why all of your friends feel so strongly that they don't want anything to do with you whilst you are with him.

@Scratchpostkitty, former colleagues of mine. Do a search for "prison abolition" on Twitter and you'll find people talking about how rapists need to be "humanised" and supported rather than punished, etc. I don't think they're representative of BLM as a whole, though.

@ZoeCM Just been reading about this. Interesting, thank you.

@UhtredRagnarson

Is it that SAS guy who parted ways with channel 4 recently?

Ooooh. Interesting.

Can I just say @EdwinPootsLovesArchaeology, that you have the best Mn name? It is filling me with something between hysterical amusement and terror.

I’ve just had a google and that guy, Ant Middleton appears to already be married.

Can OP just come back to tell us?

@Postern

Can I just say *@EdwinPootsLovesArchaeology*, that you have the best Mn name? It is filling me with something between hysterical amusement and terror.

Why thank you, new best friend.

Ooh, I can only think it's Laurence Fox. I used to think he was gorgeous. You're never going to tell us are you OP?

Do you suppose Edwin Poots has a best friend? Apart from Jesus, obviously.

@Tealightsandd

White people who go around whining that they’re victims of racism are pathetic.

Pathetic? Nice little racist attitude you're displaying towards Jewish people there Sugar
Many (but not all) are white. And they most definitely do experience racism.

I did not say that Jewish people don’t experience racism - I’m obviously well aware that they do. And you also know full well that’s not what I meant.

@Postern

Do you suppose Edwin Poots has a best friend? Apart from Jesus, obviously.

I like to think that in his secret dreams he plays as a boy in Paleolithic caves painting mammoths and bison, and wakes up sweating into his sensible pyjamas clutching a portrait of Bishop Ussher, grimacing at his betrayal.

I can't just not be with the man I love because of their views but I don't understand why they cannot separate his views from me.

Because they assume, quite reasonably, that you must find his views acceptable, otherwise you couldn't tolerate being with him. If they are your friends, I assume your views are similar to theirs? Could you really take being married to someone who thinks black lives don't matter and that Covid precautions should be ignored because he finds them inconvenient? You may be blinded by love at the moment, but don't you think that would seriously get up your nose within a pretty short space of time?

In addition, racism against Jewish people had its own name - antisemitism.

But that’s not what the thread was about because she said that her partner has a problem specifically with BLM. I was responding as such.

Actually no I don't know what you meant Sugar