Page 19 | Losing friends due to who I'm marrying

coppafeel · 2021-05-02T14:09:26+00:00

I'm due to marry someone, I hate to use the word 'famous' so I will say someone 'well known' - a D list celeb if you may. We are due to get married in December. Been with him for 2 years and throughout those 2 years I have been lost really good or so I thought, friends. He is very controversial figure and so many of my friends have opinions about his views and can't even tolerate him for me. I'm at a loss of what to do, my friends were my life and were there for me through all the bad times but they have turned on me since meeting my partner. I can't just not be with the man I love because of their views but I don't understand why they cannot separate his views from me. What can I do here?

FortunesFavour · 03/05/2021 07:55

I’m suspicious of the friends in this scenario. If they were true friends and thought he was really a bad person they would be honest to your face and would trying to discourage you from proceeding. Have they done this? If not, it all seems like virtue signalling...they can’t be that worried about your future if their response is distancing and gossip rather than trying to talk you out of it

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 03/05/2021 08:03

@coppafeel

Mainly about race and how Covid has been managed by the government. I can't really say much more than that. However, he is not racist I can categorically say that.

Oh, Christ.

A 'I'm not racialist, BUT...' who then always goes on to say something really, really racist. Probably says 'I've got a black/Muslim friend and he agrees with me', too.

You're just the slightly dim breeding stock he's lined up for the next couple of years until someone with the ability to understand what he's saying comes along. No wonder your friends are disappearing in a cloud of dust.

Nbnbnb · 03/05/2021 08:07

I'm not very politically minded so his views go over my head

This is a cop out. If you are going to be acquainted with him, you need to be familiar with his views.

No one can tell you who to marry, that's your choice. But with choice comes consequences.

Zancah · 03/05/2021 08:13

@EdwinPootsLovesArchaeology

Poor Billie. She had to endure Chris Evans and Laurence Fox and work for years with Noel Clarke. At least she got to work with Tennant I suppose.

Bit condescending. She has said, time and time again, that Chris Evans was one of the best things to ever happen to her.
She even said in the paper at the weekend that she was sick of people telling her that she was sad then, cos she wasn't. It's just more misogynistic bullshit of talking over a woman and telling her she's wrong. Well done.

Nbnbnb · 03/05/2021 08:16

OP, please do your 'homework'.

A very similar situation happened with a family member. They split up, after he'd cheated. But what really got me was she did a 'tell all' about how racist/sleezy/sexist he was. The fact that she'd have still been with him (and his repugnant views) had he not cheated on her, was what made me lose respect.

I thought it was very out of order for her to drag his name through the mud, when she was quite splashing around in his mud bath of isms. And because he left her, she thought she'd try and turn the world against him.

Please don't be that woman.

paralysedbyinertia · 03/05/2021 08:23

You don't think his views are abhorrent, but it sounds like your friends do find them abhorrent. I would not stay friends with you in this scenario.

His political views say a lot about his character. Your acceptance of them says a lot about your character. I would lose all respect for someone in your situation. I am not interested in being friends with people whose morals I despise.

Thatswatshesaid · 03/05/2021 08:28

@coppafeel

It was in relation to the BLM movement, he had differing opinions on that situation but he is not racist, he just didn't agree with it.

He thinks black lives don’t matter? I can see why your friends don’t want to be around him.

sunshinesontv · 03/05/2021 08:33

I wouldn't drop a friend because she was marrying someone I didn't like, I'd just try to avoid spending time with him.

Do you insist on your friends meeting up with you both as a couple or do you provide opportunities to meet up without him?

Have you started sharing his unpopular views and talking about them at boring length?

Do you bang on about him being a celebrity at boring length?

I would have thought this was easily solved - ask a trusted friend what the problem is, meet up more often without him, ask him to keep his unpopular opinions to himself when he does meet them.

paralysedbyinertia · 03/05/2021 08:50

I would have thought this was easily solved - ask a trusted friend what the problem is, meet up more often without him, ask him to keep his unpopular opinions to himself when he does meet them.

It's not that simple, though. It isn't just that the friends don't want to hear his repugnant views. It's rather that they have seen the OP's own character in a completely different light.

balloonsandboobies · 03/05/2021 08:57

@Crystal90567

Before me too men approached women in bars, clubs and clutch pearls workplaces. It was socially acceptable and mostly men who made the first move. You'd be very deluded not to realise that this has been banned. Now socially unacceptable and for one thing puts jobs are at risk. Everyone knows this. Who does this benefit. Directly. The multi million pound dating industry.

Surely this one is for the Daily Fail comments page rather than MN?

rachelvbwho · 03/05/2021 09:01

@coppafeel

It was in relation to the BLM movement, he had differing opinions on that situation but he is not racist, he just didn't agree with it.

Ahhhhh so he doesn't agree that Black Lives Matter.... But he is not a racist.....

Riiiggghhhhtttt

MintyMabel · 03/05/2021 09:07

I find it frightening. You clearly don’t.
That doesn’t mean I’m misrepresenting it, or failing to understand it or any of the other things you’ve accused me of.

If you find defund frightening, you obviously don’t understand it. Particularly the way the US police are funded and the vast amounts they are given, and the way that funding is spent.

I’d be completely in favour of really radical reform of the police. I think they need it. I’m also all in favour of increased spending on social services, housing and welfare.

Increasing spending on those things have little to do with defund. Increasing spending on MH services to provide better crisis management, spending money on community outreach etc by removing the funding from police which is directly related to these issues makes absolute sense. If someone is having a MH crisis, calling police is a really bad idea but it is done because there is no-one else. Replace the police response with a trained MH response, fewer officers required, funding removed. What the hell is wrong with that?

However, partially or wholly removing police funding is something I cannot get behind. It would cost even more lives than police brutality does. True “frying pan into fire” stuff.

Again, you obviously haven’t understood it because nobody is talking about just wholly (or even just partially) removing funding.

Take a proper look at the correlation between funding and police brutality, before you make such misleading statements.

WildfirePonie · 03/05/2021 09:12

Why do pp try and guess who it is?

It's not helpful at all. There are more questions than posts with advice.

Tooshytoshine · 03/05/2021 09:13

@coppafeel

It was in relation to the BLM movement, he had differing opinions on that situation but he is not racist, he just didn't agree with it.

That would define somebody as a racist to me.

What part of black lives matter did he disagree with? Does he think all lives matter as means of diminishing the impact of systemic racism (because he is a racist)?

You may have lost friends because you are marrying a bigot. However, for me it would be your denial or inability to see his racism that would make me lose complete respect for you and distance myself.

NeedNewKnees · 03/05/2021 09:38

If all your friends dislike him, don’t you wonder if they have a point?
“Controversial” views about race = racist

babybythesea · 03/05/2021 10:01

I think it also depends on how he is.
Is he the sort of person who can just discuss a film and whether the resolution was believable?
Or is he the sort of person who has to be provocative, every time? “Come on, you know the film would have been better if Matt Damon had played the role. I mean, I know Will Smith is great, and I loved him in Men in Black, but that role just needs a white actor, doesn’t it? You agree with me don’t you? You’re not arguing, it’s because you know I’m right, isn’t it? I just call a spade a spade, you know I’m not racist, but it was a white man’s role.”

I could sit at a dinner party with a friend’s fiancée if they were the first sort of person. I might really, really dislike them, but for the sake of my friend, I could do it.
I just would not do the second. I’d ideally continue to see my friend alone, and if my friend refused to go anywhere without them then I’d lose the friend.

bonfireheart · 03/05/2021 10:08

Your friends are adults and fully entitled to be friends with whoever they want.

dreamingbohemian · 03/05/2021 10:28

Well said @MintyMabel that's how I see it too

DragonDoor · 03/05/2021 11:01

You say you believe your fiancés opinions are not racist, but do you know much about racism?

If this D list celebrity uses social media, read the comments posted by people who disagree with him to find out why they are objecting to these ‘controversial’ views.

Decide from there where you stand, and maybe then talk with your friends.

Ifonly86 · 03/05/2021 12:00

Snorted at the Carrie comment

Aside from the funny comments I think your friends aren’t good friends. Regardless of your partners personality/views they should be supporting you if you’re happy. It’s not their decision to make. Of course if he’s rude to them or has awful views along the lines of race/sex etc then I don’t blame them, but I wouldn’t turn on a friend for her choice of partner. I have despised many friends partners over the years but I stay polite and supportive because it’s not my life. I’d say you’re well shot, but don’t isolate yourself.

paralysedbyinertia · 03/05/2021 12:05

@Ifonly86

Snorted at the Carrie comment

Aside from the funny comments I think your friends aren’t good friends. Regardless of your partners personality/views they should be supporting you if you’re happy. It’s not their decision to make. Of course if he’s rude to them or has awful views along the lines of race/sex etc then I don’t blame them, but I wouldn’t turn on a friend for her choice of partner. I have despised many friends partners over the years but I stay polite and supportive because it’s not my life. I’d say you’re well shot, but don’t isolate yourself.

But the OP has already made it clear that it is her partner's views on race that are causing the problem. And although the OP claims that her partner is not racist, it's pretty clear that her friends do not share that perspective.

If the OP's friends consider the partner to be racist, then they obviously believe that the OP herself is condoning racist views by choosing to spend her life with with a racist. I would absolutely choose to distance myself from someone who condones racism, and I don't see why that would make me a bad friend.

How could you stay friends with someone whose views you consider to be morally repugnant?

Chewbecca · 03/05/2021 12:18

My DM has a friend who is planning to marry a UKIP councillor who my DM can't bear so she prefers to see her friend by herself if possible.

So yes, you will likely lose friends if you are with a twunt and there isn't much you can do about it if his views don't offend you too.

poppycat10 · 03/05/2021 12:25

I also can’t stand white people who say they’ve experienced racism

of course white people experience racism. It's not the structural racism that non-white people face but there is race-related violence and white people who stray into the "Asian" areas of certain Northern towns will be intimidated into leaving them again. How is that not racism?

minniemomo · 03/05/2021 12:31

@poppycat10

There's definitely racism against white people because I've experienced it, sometimes it's not blatant, often the discrimination is using things like must speak Gujarati (for an accounts job?) and I was hired once and the only white personal in the office, everyone spoke not English (they all spoke fluent English to clients) and shunned me, it's definitely racism just not structural racism. I did complain by the way

Anon778833 · 03/05/2021 12:54

of course white people experience racism. It's not the structural racism that non-white people face but there is race-related violence and white people who stray into the "Asian" areas of certain Northern towns will be intimidated into leaving them again. How is that not racism?

Oh ffs. I have to explain this, really? We live in a white supremacist world. No white person ever gets stared at in the street for being white or is passed over for promotion because they’re white, etc etc etc. White is seen as the default.

White people who go around whining that they’re victims of racism are pathetic.