Dd Chapel of rest

[Namechangenumber2000]

Dd is 11, 12 in November. has adhd and possible autism. She's a young 11. Shes in mainstream school and is year head. My dad died and she's been asking to go see him before they bury him. She was very close to him. She heard the paramedics trying cpr. I asked why and she said just to see him. She really wants to. I cant decide. Could it bring her some closure of makes things worse?

Aibu to say no?

Having lost both my parents in the last few months, and not being allowed to see them beforehand in the residential home, I did not see them in the funeral directors either. I have never viewed someone after their death (and I have experienced many deaths over my lifetime), preferring to remember them alive. That’s my choice. We were asked if we wanted an open casket (I didn’t know it was an option in England) and embalming. We also chose not to have the coffin disappear behind the curtain at the crematorium, something again I was aware of as being an option.
My SIL was the opposite, she visited her parents several times after their deaths.
I don’t know what the answer is OP, I was a child when my mother’s father /father’s partner died and not allowed to go to their funerals and an adult when my other grandparents died.
Perhaps in some families and cultures it’s a custom to view, in mine it wasn’t and isn’t.

I have two children with both diagnoses too.

I've always left it up to them and always answered questions directly.

My dad died when I was 12. I asked to see him and wanted to attend the funeral.
I wasn't allowed and I have never found a way to accept not saying goodbye.
I am 57.

Dd is attending the funeral that I've no problem with just the viewing.

No I absolutely wouldn’t, and I am shocked at the number of people who think that it’s appropriate for a child to go and see a dead body, which won’t be the person any more, and be potentially traumatised for life because of it.

There are plenty of posts on here from people who have viewed the dead bodies of relatives and who have been traumatised about it for years. There are many ways to gain closure, a letter, maybe a framed photograph of him while he was alive, that way she still gets to see him as he was, rather than his body which, let’s be honest, isn’t him any more. But if she is traumatised by the experience of seeing him as he is now you may never be able to undo that.

I am planning to have a simple cremation, that way no-one would feel obliged to come and see my body anywhere or have a depressing funeral. If they want to have a memorial or whatever that is up to them, but I won’t be a part of it. They can say goodbye to me without having to see what I’ve become.

My son asked to see my mum after she died. He was 7 at the time. They were very close. I wasn't sure if it was the best idea but he asked a few times and we agreed. We had a chat about how she would be cold and look like she was sleeping but a bit grey. He was fine, touched her and said goodbye. I don't regret allowing him to see her.
I think there's an Ask me anything thread from a funeral director on here...maybe ask them for experiences?

I’m more than happy to answer any questions you may have, especially if it gives you some peace of mind or helps in anyway, p.s I’m the funeral director who commented earlier

@Honestmary ( hope that worked) thanks you. I have no clue what questions I have. Have you had many children do a viewing?

" I am shocked at the number of people who think that it’s appropriate for a child to go and see a dead body"

Death comes to all of us. Why is a dead body more upsetting than the fact of a death? Some cultures hide the body from sight, while others keep the body in the house for days, weeks, months or even years. Your 'inappropriate' is my 'totally unremarkable fact of life'.

It's almost as if there's a range of cultural perspectives on the question, none of which are inherently more or less valid than any other...

I wouldn't op. I didn't see my nan before she passed as my mum begged me not to, I was a grown woman of 36. She told me to remember her as she was last time I saw her, hugging my young son at Christmas. I respected my mum's wishes and I'm glad I did. Would be very hard for a child of that age.

@AlternativePerspective

No I absolutely wouldn’t, and I am shocked at the number of people who think that it’s appropriate for a child to go and see a dead body, which won’t be the person any more, and be potentially traumatised for life because of it.

There are plenty of posts on here from people who have viewed the dead bodies of relatives and who have been traumatised about it for years. There are many ways to gain closure, a letter, maybe a framed photograph of him while he was alive, that way she still gets to see him as he was, rather than his body which, let’s be honest, isn’t him any more. But if she is traumatised by the experience of seeing him as he is now you may never be able to undo that.

I am planning to have a simple cremation, that way no-one would feel obliged to come and see my body anywhere or have a depressing funeral. If they want to have a memorial or whatever that is up to them, but I won’t be a part of it. They can say goodbye to me without having to see what I’ve become.

I agree with this. I have a picture of my nan in my room holding my son. I much prefer that image than seeing her in any other condition ☹️

@Namechangenumber2000, no thanks needed, I truly do feel your pain and if I can help then I’m more than happy to. We have very few children attending viewings and the youngest I have known was a 15 year old and it was a parent who had passed away. The whole visit can be traumatic even for an adult, people often break down at the sight of the coffin before they even see their loved one. The setting is somber, not child friendly and can be quite intimidating if that makes sense. As your dad has had a post-mortem you do need to take into account what that means to his appearance, assuming you know what happens in a post mortem. As I said before, some people look peaceful, others do not and this in itself can cause immense distress. If you do think of any questions then please do ask, as I said before, this is an extremely difficult decision for you, especially whilst you are also grieving. There is no right or wrong here and professionally I would never advise anyone either way.

@Bluebird76

" I am shocked at the number of people who think that it’s appropriate for a child to go and see a dead body"

Death comes to all of us. Why is a dead body more upsetting than the fact of a death? Some cultures hide the body from sight, while others keep the body in the house for days, weeks, months or even years. Your 'inappropriate' is my 'totally unremarkable fact of life'.

It's almost as if there's a range of cultural perspectives on the question, none of which are inherently more or less valid than any other...

You’re absolutely right about different cultures etc treating death differently.

You have to remember though that in context, we are in Britain, so death is somewhat hidden. Rightly or wrongly, for the vast majority of British people, death is a private affair.

I’m not saying that’s the best way, I think we could learn perhaps from the way other countries/countries deal with the deceased (so it’s not such a taboo) but currently, the norm here in Britain is not the norm elsewhere.

we are in Britain, so death is somewhat hidden. Rightly or wrongly, for the vast majority of British people, death is a private affair.
You've made this point repeatedly on the thread and I still don't understand a word of it.
How is death in Britain hidden and private?

To add- @Honestmary should know as she works as a funeral director and she explains that it’s relatively unheard of fir children to see the dead body of a relative. It’s unusual to say the least.

@GreyhoundG1rl

we are in Britain, so death is somewhat hidden. Rightly or wrongly, for the vast majority of British people, death is a private affair. You've made this point repeatedly on the thread and I still don't understand a word of it. How is death in Britain hidden and private?

Because it’s true.... what aspect do you find difficult to grasp? Do you think I mean that people don’t die here? of course that’s not what I mean....

I’m taking about the fact in some cultures/countries it’s completely normal for everyone, children included to view the dead body. It’s in their house for days/weeks before the funeral. Even the service they have an open casket and in the likes of India, it’s the norm to see dead bodies getting cremated in the open air and in the likes of some South American counties to parade their dead bodies and have open air funerals and celebrations. Even if a child hasn’t experienced it first hand (death of a loved one) it’s still quite normalised in a way it’s not here. (Not to say their way is wrong btw)

It wouldn’t be a question whether it not it’s appropriate for a child to see their deceased relative, because it’s their way of life.

Look at the above post from the funeral director. Don’t you think she’d have more of an idea than the average person on this thread? If you don’t believe me, that’s fine, but listen to her when she says that ‘we have very few children attending viewings’ and the youngest she had was 15.

Argue all you like, but it doesn’t take away the fact, It’s not the norm here in Britain!! Why does that matter? Well it doesn’t - but it gives perspective to the OP.....

Because it’s true.... what aspect do you find difficult to grasp? Do you think I mean that people don’t die here? of course that’s not what I mean....
So beautifully put, and pa to boot. Really makes me want to read on. I'll pass, thanks.

3 DC (age 5-9) saw their grandfather after death.

DH had a need to see him & somehow (I can't remember why) 3 DC went with DH.
They weren't close to their grandfather so not upset about his passing.
They recall his face looking slack, grey colour, but not much else really.
It wasn't upsetting.
Good thing to demystify death imho.

@GreyhoundG1rl

Because it’s true.... what aspect do you find difficult to grasp? Do you think I mean that people don’t die here? of course that’s not what I mean.... So beautifully put, and pa to boot. Really makes me want to read on. I'll pass, thanks.

Quite..... there is nothing more you can say....

I’d give up to, given a funeral director has singlehandedly explained why it’s not the norm and goes against everything you keep arguing against!

I haven't read all previous posts but have been through a good few pages and from what Ive read it appears that most if not all of those who feel traumatised by seeing the deceased were older/adults when they saw the body. The stories of children seening bodies seem to be far more positive. Might it be that in fact despite your fears children can actually deal with this scenario far better than adults faced with it for the first time? Maybe its not a bad idea for more children to see the deceased and it might infact lead to less people being traumatised in adulthood?

In the interest of openness Im Irish and have two childen, we have all been to plenty of funerals and seen numerous open coffins. It can actually be interesting to listen to young childrens chat around the coffin at the wake. They tend to be interested rather than shocked.

Erm, you seem to have misunderstood me, TableFlowersss
I won't be engaging with you again, but not for the reason you seem to imagine. Bless...

@GreyhoundG1rl

Erm, you seem to have misunderstood me, TableFlowersss I won't be engaging with you again, but not for the reason you seem to imagine. Bless...

Well you clearly still are - and again, it’s because I set you straight and you weren’t keen.... see you in a minute

I still don't get why the cultural context is in any way relevant to whether a child is traumatised or not. I mean, I saw my granny laid out when I was 4 years old. I had never seen a body until then, and absolutely no idea what the cultural context was or wasn't! Mostly I think kids are concrete little beings and if seeing a deceased relative presented as something natural and not to be scared of, that's the cue they'll take. The wider context is neither here nor there.

Just because death comes to all of us doesn’t mean we have to all see a dead body.

Lots of countries have different, and sometimes quite disturbing rituals involving death, from having open coffins in the house for days on end to festivals where the bodies of the deceased are exhumed in order to … I’m not entirely sure why.

Lots of other things are normalised in other countries which we wouldn’t dream of doing here.

The “they do x and y in other countries” is an irrelevant argument really.

@Bluebird76

I still don't get why the cultural context is in any way relevant to whether a child is traumatised or not. I mean, I saw my granny laid out when I was 4 years old. I had never seen a body until then, and absolutely no idea what the cultural context was or wasn't! Mostly I think kids are concrete little beings and if seeing a deceased relative presented as something natural and not to be scared of, that's the cue they'll take. The wider context is neither here nor there.

So true.