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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd Chapel of rest

306 replies

Namechangenumber2000 · 01/05/2021 18:59

Dd is 11, 12 in November. has adhd and possible autism. She's a young 11. Shes in mainstream school and is year head. My dad died and she's been asking to go see him before they bury him. She was very close to him. She heard the paramedics trying cpr. I asked why and she said just to see him. She really wants to. I cant decide. Could it bring her some closure of makes things worse?

Aibu to say no?

OP posts:
minniemomo · 01/05/2021 23:15

Take the funeral director's advice, they are highly trained and know exactly how to speak to your dd on the viewing day, I know that the firms I've dealt with (occupational hazard) always have biscuits or cakes to produce if needed and the office staff can sit talking to a child who has changed their mind or is very upset etc and the parent/guardian is struggling too. I know my nearest firm has hot chocolate and quite often will sit chatting to a child of a similar age who have questions (sometimes blunt ones) when the need arises (they stay in the background to give you space but are there when needed)

Teenagehorrorbag · 01/05/2021 23:16

I wanted to see my parent (I was in my 20s) but my other parent said I should remember them as they were. I'm so grateful for that - I really don't think it would have helped or brought closure - I knew they were dead. I'm sure that image would have stayed in my head for the rest of my life!

But I'm not sure what you do if your DD really insists. Perhaps share some of these alternative views? I just asked my ASD and ADHD DS and he said he would want to see the person if it was Grandma ("as long as she looked OK") - whereas his NT sister said she definitely wouldn't. DS (12) says it would bother him if we didn't let him and he would be angry. Not sure if that is relevant though.

saraclara · 01/05/2021 23:25

he was a lovely person and would have been mortified if he'd known he was the cause of such distress.

That's a really good point actually. Most people would want their young relatives to remember them happily. Not to have nightmares or their death face stuck in their heads for years.

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 23:29

@saraclara

he was a lovely person and would have been mortified if he'd known he was the cause of such distress.

That's a really good point actually. Most people would want their young relatives to remember them happily. Not to have nightmares or their death face stuck in their heads for years.

But you need to balance that with possible years of regret that she wasn't allowed to do this. There's no easy answer.
EarlGreywithLemon · 01/05/2021 23:35

I’d urge caution. I asked to be taken to a wake roughly at that age (different county) - I was 13-14. I found it extremely traumatic and had nightmares for ages. Strongly wish I hadn’t gone.

likeamillpond · 01/05/2021 23:41

@DdraigGoch

My grandfather's funeral was an open casket one. It seemed to help to see him.
Seeing a dead body at an Open Casket funeral is entirely different to seeing a body at the Undertakers In countries where it's common place to have an open casket, such as USA, bodies are always embalmed and a lot of time and care is spent in making the face look as good as it possibly can. They fill out the cheeks, place disks under eyelids to stop the sunken socket look and there are numerous other tricks they use. Great care is also taken wirh makep and hair.

Because closed caskets are the norm in the UK not as much care is taken to make the body look good.
There's no need.
I don't think many bodies are even embalmed.

So to those people who are saying
"My children have been to lots of open casket funeral and they're not traumatised"

You can't really compare the two situations.

I

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 23:43

Because closed caskets are the norm in the UK not as much care is taken to make the body look good.
There's no need.
I don't think many bodies are even embalmed.
Not trying to be argumentative for the sake of it, but I'd take issue with that.

SavannahLands · 01/05/2021 23:47

Maybe another alternative would be to take a photograph to show her instead? That way you would have a little more control over possible skin discolouring and any odours, and the photograph could be tweaked to remove any visible inscisions left behind from the post mortem operation.

I'm sorry for your loss, I lost my Dad last year during the first lockdown, he was 91, and died suddenly after suffering from Dementia for the last couple of years. Due to Covid, there was no viewings, and only 6 people at the Graveside service allowed, so the question of Grandchildren distribute funeral parlour never arose.

TableFlowerss · 01/05/2021 23:49

But you need to balance that with possible years of regret that she wasn't allowed to do this. There's no easy answer

But regrets for what? Not letting her see a dead body. It’s hard enough for some adults, particularly when they don’t lll as they did when alive.

I would say children aren’t allowed. End of. What good is it going to do really but letting them view a dead body that at best looks like they’re asleep, but at worst looks waxy and not how they imagined they’d look.

I’m sorry but at 11, it’s questionable whether they’re mature enough let alone with ASD, which could make it more difficult.

I would totally say no.

TableFlowerss · 01/05/2021 23:50

look

Bluebird76 · 01/05/2021 23:50

I saw 3 out of my 4 grandparents after they died (and I was aged between 4 and 15) and I am glad I did. At your DDs age my parents and I stayed in the same flat as my grandfather for several days while he was laid out in the living room. I used to go and chat to him and hold his hand! I have very comforting memories of that time. Death in Catholic countries looks so very different to the UK - there was simply no concept of death as something children should not be exposed to.

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/05/2021 23:55

@TableFlowerss

*But you need to balance that with possible years of regret that she wasn't allowed to do this. There's no easy answer*

But regrets for what? Not letting her see a dead body. It’s hard enough for some adults, particularly when they don’t lll as they did when alive.

I would say children aren’t allowed. End of. What good is it going to do really but letting them view a dead body that at best looks like they’re asleep, but at worst looks waxy and not how they imagined they’d look.

I’m sorry but at 11, it’s questionable whether they’re mature enough let alone with ASD, which could make it more difficult.

I would totally say no.

Some posters have said they hold regret 🤷🏻‍♀️
TableFlowerss · 01/05/2021 23:56

@Bluebird76

I saw 3 out of my 4 grandparents after they died (and I was aged between 4 and 15) and I am glad I did. At your DDs age my parents and I stayed in the same flat as my grandfather for several days while he was laid out in the living room. I used to go and chat to him and hold his hand! I have very comforting memories of that time. Death in Catholic countries looks so very different to the UK - there was simply no concept of death as something children should not be exposed to.
But we’re not in a predominantly catholic country so it’s not he norm here for open caskets and to be ‘laid out’. That’s a thing of the Victorian times here so it’s not the norm, which is why it’s problematic.

Had we grown up with it then yes, it would be different but it very much a private thing these days. Not saying that’s the right way in general, I think it would help if it was normalised now but at the moment it’s not, which doesn’t help the OP.

TableFlowerss · 01/05/2021 23:58

Most haven’t and we’re talking about adults not children. Posters have also described having nightmares....

TableFlowerss · 01/05/2021 23:58

@GreyhoundG1rl

GreyhoundG1rl · 02/05/2021 00:01

Had we grown up with it then yes, it would be different but it very much a private thing these days. Not saying that’s the right way in general, I think it would help if it was normalised now but at the moment it’s not, which doesn’t help the OP.
I'm not sure what "growing up with it" actually means, really.
Some people lose members of their family / friends as children, and lots do not. If the first time you encounter the loss of a loved one is at 11 years old, there's no particular background that would make that any different for you.

Bluebird76 · 02/05/2021 00:03

It's not the norm here but I didn't know what was or wasn't the norm either way as a child! But there's nothing inherently traumatic about the experience, above and beyond the death itself obviously. I suspect children mostly take their cues from the adults. If it's presented as something likely to be upsetting then I suspect it's more likely to become so. In this case the ops DD has specifically asked! I think it's perfectly fine to take a cue from that.

TableFlowerss · 02/05/2021 00:08

@GreyhoundG1rl

Had we grown up with it then yes, it would be different but it very much a private thing these days. Not saying that’s the right way in general, I think it would help if it was normalised now but at the moment it’s not, which doesn’t help the OP. I'm not sure what "growing up with it" actually means, really. Some people lose members of their family / friends as children, and lots do not. If the first time you encounter the loss of a loved one is at 11 years old, there's no particular background that would make that any different for you.
Some people don’t experience death as a child at all, but if they do, I mean if you live in a household where an open coffin is the norm and seeing deceased relatives isn’t taboo, it’s the norm.

It’s not the norm these days in Britain. The body is taken away by the undertaker and those that wish to view it have the option but it’s not the done thing to lay them out in the house anymore.

Years ago they were laid out in the front room so it wasn’t such a taboo in the way it is now. It wasn’t as traumatic as it could potentially be now because it wasn’t hidden in the way it is now.

GreyhoundG1rl · 02/05/2021 00:11

Ok. But the first time you encounter losing a loved one is still the first time. There won't be any history of "this is how we handle it" to put it into any particular context.

TableFlowerss · 02/05/2021 00:12

@Bluebird76

It's not the norm here but I didn't know what was or wasn't the norm either way as a child! But there's nothing inherently traumatic about the experience, above and beyond the death itself obviously. I suspect children mostly take their cues from the adults. If it's presented as something likely to be upsetting then I suspect it's more likely to become so. In this case the ops DD has specifically asked! I think it's perfectly fine to take a cue from that.
But that’s the thing, it’s not the norm here for children to view deceased relatives. As Brits, it’s very much behind closed doors and again, I’m not saying that’s a particularly great way of dealing with it but it’s how it is.

Yes listen to the child’s wishes but some children may find it traumatic

GreyhoundG1rl · 02/05/2021 00:14

But that’s the thing, it’s not the norm here for children to view deceased relatives
Again, so what? Children don't know what "the norm" is when it's their first encounter with something, and it makes no difference to their reaction to it.

TableFlowerss · 02/05/2021 00:15

@GreyhoundG1rl

Ok. But the first time you encounter losing a loved one is still the first time. There won't be any history of "this is how we handle it" to put it into any particular context.
Losing a loved one isn’t the issue though. That’s a separate things filled with sadness that everyone experiences sadly at some point.

It’s viewing a deceased body. That’s what could be problematic. The child might think they want to but end up having nightmares, as pp have experienced on this thread. Some might be fine, others but so....

TableFlowerss · 02/05/2021 00:17

@GreyhoundG1rl

But that’s the thing, it’s not the norm here for children to view deceased relatives Again, so what? Children don't know what "the norm" is when it's their first encounter with something, and it makes no difference to their reaction to it.
It’s not about losing a loved one in general- that comes filled with sadness of course!

Seeing a dead body can be traumatic for an adult....never mind a child!! That’s the point you seem to be missing....!

Fruitbatdancer · 02/05/2021 00:19

I’m 40, my MIL died 8 years ago, when had dashed to the hospital and didn’t make it in time (we had a way to travel) when we arrived BIL ushered us into her room (we didn’t know it was her room thought relatives room. It was horrific. I still have nightmares. Regularly. And in most respects I’d call myself a well rounded, wel adjust pretty normal lady. I urge GREAT caution,

GreyhoundG1rl · 02/05/2021 00:23

It’s not about losing a loved one in general- that comes filled with sadness of course!

Seeing a dead body can be traumatic for an adult....never mind a child!! That’s the point you seem to be missing....!

I'm not sure what point you're actually making. You seem to be saying viewing the body is traumatic because "we're not used to it in this country, that's not how it's done", and other cultures manage it because they're used to it? The logic escapes me.
My point is that it doesn't make any difference to your first experience whether it's the "done" thing or not, you won't actually have any personal experience. Until you do.