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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dd Chapel of rest

306 replies

Namechangenumber2000 · 01/05/2021 18:59

Dd is 11, 12 in November. has adhd and possible autism. She's a young 11. Shes in mainstream school and is year head. My dad died and she's been asking to go see him before they bury him. She was very close to him. She heard the paramedics trying cpr. I asked why and she said just to see him. She really wants to. I cant decide. Could it bring her some closure of makes things worse?

Aibu to say no?

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 02/05/2021 13:29

Reading this thread has reinforced my opinion that children viewing a body is a very very bad idea. The image can stay with them for the rest of their lives. As said by a lot of people on this thread.

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 02/05/2021 13:30

I am sorry for your loss.

This is clearly something where the right answer is different for different people, including DC. But if you are considering letting your DD see your dad I would definitely go first, and talk to her in some detail about how he looks, so she is prepared, and not expecting to see him looking like he's asleep.

I saw my grandmother after she died when I was your DD's age. She absolutely did not look like herself, and to me seemed very much a dead body rather than my lovely grandmother. It wasn't traumatic, but it certainly wasn't at all pleasant or comforting either. Following that I made the decision not to see either of my parents after they died, and am fine with that decision years on.

Original poster

Namechangenumber2000 · 02/05/2021 13:38

Yeah I think I can deal with being hated for her not to see him rather than her hating me for seeing him if that makes sense. Had a talk with my brother and he seen our gran last year and it had been 2 weeks and he said she's looked fine just asleep.

OP posts:

notanothertakeaway · 02/05/2021 13:39

@Honestmary

Funeral director here, firstly I’m so sorry for your loss and please trust me when I recommend viewing your dad yourself before allowing your daughter to view him. Some people do look like they are sleeping, especially shortly after death, however many don’t and this can be incredibly upsetting. It’s a hard decision for you to make and I feel your pain knowing what to do for the best.

@Honestmary offers v good advice

Nats1984 · 02/05/2021 14:15

Is there not a compromise to be had, can she take him a newspaper and write him a letter or play him a song but he stays under the sheet and maybe just has his hand exposed so she can hold it if she wants? I’d be very concerned how his face looks after a PM. 2 of my nephews died in childhood and the hospital and undertakers went to extraordinary lengths to make the boys look good for their mums. And they were painted up beautifully . I think they put extra effort in for children though and your dear old dad may not have received that level of care so I’m just being realistic that he may look quite bad now .

user1471538283 · 02/05/2021 14:18

We lost my DF when my DS was nearly 10 and I let him see him in the chapel of rest. I think it helped a bit. I also had to engage him with MIND to deal with the anger. But i think that it was much better than it haunting him.

sashh · 02/05/2021 15:09

Before just saying 'yes' to her have a chat. One of the students I taught had a brother killed in a car accident, she didn't see her brother but her mum did. The mum said she was glad she saw him but now that's her last memory of her son.

She needs to be prepared that this might be her last memory and he might not look the same.

I'm sorry for your loss.

It is an individual thing, I have never gone to see a loved one in a chapel of rest, my brother has visited a few relatives, for some people it helps, for others it doesn't.

Maggiesfarm · 02/05/2021 15:36

I've seen a few people who have died including my parents, my mother in law and my husband who died at home with me and my youngest present.

Death should not be a taboo subject. Our grandparents and great grandparents grew up with it and it was natural.

If your daughter really wants to see her grandfather in the chapel of rest, I think you would be wrong to stop her. It may give her peace.

ginnybag · 02/05/2021 16:22

I saw my Grandma, Grandad and Great Uncle as a child. I was 11, 12 and 14.

I found it helpful, and I very much recall thinking my Grandma, in particular, looked beautiful and peaceful.

I didn't manage to see my Great Aunty when she died, and I deeply regret it.

I would let her if she's asking. Death is not something to always hide away from - it is, ultimately, a part of every life. Particularly given his death was sudden and she was part of the trauma around it, it may be helpful to her to have a space to see him 'peaceful' and definitely gone.

LuaDipa · 02/05/2021 16:27

I saw my df when I was a similar age. Many years later, I’m very glad that I did. It was upsetting, but it made it real to me. Up until that point I don’t think I believed that he was gone.

I can remember seeing him in his coffin, but it certainly isn’t the overriding memory that I have of him. The images of him that stick in my mind are the times we spent together.

bengalcat · 02/05/2021 16:42

I take the view that if a child asks then its perfectly reasonable . My 6 year old wanted to see her dead grandma so she did . Grandma looked ok in the chapel of rest - DD just peered into the coffin and said " Grandmas definitely dead Mummy , she's not breathing " . That logicality brought a smile to my face at a time of great sadness .

The fact your DD was close to him , close by while CPR was being done and has asked to see him would make it a no brainer for me . funeral director upstream has some good points too .

ConcernedAuntie · 02/05/2021 17:18

I saw my Mum about an hour after she had died very suddenly and I really didn't think beforehand. I so wish I had not seen her. When I kissed her and held her hand she was so cold. She hated to be cold. Now, even 20 years later, when I think about her, which is almost daily, all I can see is her laying there - dead. It was the reason I didn't see Dad after he had died. I didn't want that to be my last memory of him.

But then I have never found any comfort is funerals. They just add to my distress. Never any closure.

It is reason why I have decided to have a simple cremation for myself with no-one present. I couldn't do that to those who love me.

I know everyone is different, but I so wish I could remember her alive.

Maggiesfarm · 02/05/2021 17:28

ConcernedAuntie, do you not remember your mother at all when she was alive? I certainly remember all my dead loved ones when they were still with us, even though I saw them dead.

I'm sorry the experience did not give you closure.

saraclara · 02/05/2021 17:31

No-one, absolutely no-one knows whether this is going to be the right thing. Everyone is different.

When my husband died at home, peacefully, with me and our daughters by his side, it was actually a lovely moment in its way. But my response, after spending a minute or two with him, was to leave the room and get on with the practicalities. He was gone, and though I had no problem with the memories I was likely to have, a minute or two was enough. One of my daughters on the other hand, stayed with him for most of the next couple of hours before the funeral directors came. That's what she needed to do.
I'm not about to tell anyone what is the right thing to do should they be in that situation, nor would I make a decision for them.

What worries me about the OP's situation is that we're talking about a child, and one who isn't NT. If her not seeing her DGP turns out to be the wrong decision, it's unlikely to be too problematic. If seeing him (after more than a week) turns out to be the wrong decision, it could be traumatic. There are people posting here who are still traumatised after decades after seeing a loved ones body. That's one hell of a risk to take with a child with ASD.

Waterfallgirl · 02/05/2021 17:41

@Namechangenumber2000 I am so sorry for your loss.

It must be a difficult decision for you and dd to make, so many varying opinions. I would take the good advise of @Honestmary above if you can and are able to do this yourself.
I chose not to see my DM when she passed away 4 and a half years ago, I’m still comfortable with that, but as an adult I could make that decision easily. Harder for your dd I know with less life experience.
I wonder whether she might benefit from talking to a charity or counsellor afterwards, whatever decision you make.

Original poster

Namechangenumber2000 · 02/05/2021 17:44

Yeah I'm in the same boat of which is the less of two evils? She had a meltdown this morning and when she does that I think yeah to young but she's been perfect since.

OP posts:

GreyhoundG1rl · 02/05/2021 17:45

I wonder whether she might benefit from talking to a charity or counsellor afterwards, whatever decision you make.
Agree.

Pinkpaisley · 02/05/2021 17:46

I have a similar aged dd with autism. She is “young” in many ways. She has also always been mature in other ways. If your dd is head I suspect she is as well.

Let her go. Make it clear she is not committed. Even as she walks in she can always change her mind. She can also leave at any time. Explain this is a tricky issue even for adults.

Krook · 02/05/2021 18:05

I agree with PP, the possible fall-out from a lack of closure will be far easier to deal with than the possible trauma of seeing something that can't be unseen. I think it would be a huge risk to take with a child with possible ASD.

So sorry for you, what a difficult situation.

Original poster

Namechangenumber2000 · 02/05/2021 18:18

Anyone know where I can find someone for her to talk to? In Scotland

OP posts:

bobblesandbows · 02/05/2021 18:21

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.

If you think that she can handle it then I would take her. My dd1 is 10 and we are mid-assessment for ASD. My dad sadly passed away last year, from a very aggressive form of lung cancer in the middle of the first lockdown. Literally got first idea that something was wrong in January, diagnosed end of February and was gone by the middle of May. None of my girls got to say goodbye to him. Dd1 was 9 at the time, dd2 was 6 and dd3 was 4. They all bring this up every so often - usually one at a time when they are feeling a bit emotional. That closure is very important. Prepare her. Talk through her feelings. Let her know what to expect and that it's fine if she is very upset - you will be there for her. But I would take her.

SamanthaJayne4 · 02/05/2021 18:34

I went to see my mother In the chapel of rest when I was 52. I'm never doing that again for anyone. It was no comfort at all. She looked ok but it was grim.

Blowingagale · 02/05/2021 18:43

OP sorry for your loss
I just want to say that whatever you decide will the right thing because you are doing it with love. Even if your DD regrets viewing or resents not being allowed to it was still the right thing.

There is no right or wrong, just a very hard decision.

saraclara · 02/05/2021 18:48

I just want to say that whatever you decide will the right thing because you are doing it with love.

That is absolutely not how right and wrong works.

DeadButDelicious · 02/05/2021 18:56

As she has expressed a wish to see her Grandfather then I would do my best to accommodate that and to prepare her for what it will be like.

That said, I saw my Nan an hour or so after her death and she really did look like she was asleep. She had died suddenly at home and the officers attending had put her in her bed and covered her up while we waited for her to be collected. It was all very peaceful. I went to see her again in the chapel of rest and I wish I hadn't. She was very different it was a totally different atmosphere and I was not prepared for it. No one warned me just how different it would be. I haven't seen a loved one in the chapel of rest again. I've sat with the coffin for a while but I have no desire to see them.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

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