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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to have bought this without telling him?

229 replies

herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo · 01/05/2021 14:21

Partner and I live together, not married. We have a joint account for mortgage and bills, but our wages get paid into our personal accounts and we transfer a proportion of our earnings into the joint account each month.

I am the higher earner, and I'm also a saver, rather than a spender. He spends a lot of his own money on a hobby, and on cigarettes, and doesn't save.

A few days ago, I bought myself a shiny new piece of tech. With extra accessories, it was just over £900. I paid for it myself, out of my savings. He was out doing his hobby when I ordered it, then it just didn't cross my mind to announce that I'd ordered it when he came back.

The parcel arrived this morning and he has got into a proper grump about the fact that I've spent 'so much' money on something just for me, that I didn't discuss the purchase with him and that I've been selfish.

I don't think I've done anything wrong.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 01/05/2021 17:59

He doesn’t even really get to agree or disagree about what you need or don’t need for your work, or for your leisure! Seriously why does he think he gets a say, beyond being happy for you that you get a new piece of tech? I’d be so pissed off at this.

Notaroadrunner · 01/05/2021 18:00

Reconsider marrying him. Or at the very least if you do go ahead and marry him, consult with a professional who can advise you about what he'd be entitled to if you did divorce. It wouldn't be so bad if he did have a lower paying job, but saved and planned his pension to have some sort of financial security for retirement. The fact that he doesn't do this would be very off putting and would make me think that he considers your savings and pension will fund him too.

HosannainExcelSheets · 01/05/2021 18:01

Take this with a pinch of salt, because I'm currently divorcing. But... I was in a similar position to you 10 years ago. Now I'm getting royally screwed over having to make up my exH retirement income to match what mine will be, and hand over half of my very carefully managed savings.

It's painful, but worth it for me to get my freedom back. But in your position I wouldn't marry (no children involved as far as I can see) and a huge financial disadvantage to you if you do.

At the very least, get a pre-nuptual agreement. Even though they are not strictly enforced they are a good guide to the courts if you ever did divorce.

As I said, I'm seeing the this from a very different perspective than you are, and maybe I'm a bit bitter about having made bad choices myself. But your situation screams "don't get married" to me.

Apileofballyhoo · 01/05/2021 18:01

What would you do if he decided to retire early and live off you? When he gets his inheritance lump sum or something like that?

Don't get married.

PferdeMerde · 01/05/2021 18:01

He’s a smoker. He doesn’t get to moan about other peoples spending

@ChunkyBird I used to spend £20 a day. I smoked 40 a day.

Thatswatshesaid · 01/05/2021 18:06

@herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo

We had talked about it for a few months beforehand, *@Thatswatshesaid*, and he agreed it would be useful for me, both at home and at work. I just forgot to tell him that I'd actually ordered it.
In that case you’ve done nothing wrong he had a chance to raise his objections.
Ninkanink · 01/05/2021 18:07

But why on earth do you think he should be raising objections??

JustLyra · 01/05/2021 18:11

Does he check with you every time he buys cigarettes or pays for his hobby? I bet he doesn’t.

If he’s smoking 2/3 packs a week then he could easily be spending £30 a week so you’ve spend 30 weeks worth of smokes. Less than a whole year and he wouldn’t even consider discussing that spending with you I bet.

He’s just pissed off because he has nothing to show for his money whereas you’ve saved.

That’s a worrying attitude for him to have - he’s entitled to spend his key however he wants, but you have to get his agreement? Fuck that!

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 01/05/2021 18:12

He's upset because you are spending his pension. Are you paying 2/3 of the mortgage as well while owns 50% of the house? Wow, what a deal. Do you think I could find a man 15 years younger to support me while I doss about part time and smoke. Ah dreams are free.

mam0918 · 01/05/2021 18:13

Its your money... as long as you both cover your agreed part of the living costs anything else is your own.

My DH is also a blow through it type (he makes twice what I do but NEVER has money, blows it on beer and repayments on the fancy car he 'had' to have) and Im a saver, I will spend my savings on whatever I deem best (although it usually benefits the family like holidays) and he wouldnt dare complain, its not my fault he has zero money sense.

BikeRunSki · 01/05/2021 18:16

DH and I have a similar set up. Joint account for bills, mortgage, DC stuff. Personal accounts for our hobbies, clothes etc. The whole point of this is so that we can buy our own stuff without p’eeing off the other one.

RandomMess · 01/05/2021 18:18

Surely the whole point of having equal spending money especially whilst splitting costs in ratio to income is so each person can spend it exactly as they wish?

Is he never saves any does this mean you will be finding every future holiday and even in the future when on his pension will he contributing £0 so that you have equals spending money then?

He is crap with money,

grapewine · 01/05/2021 18:19

I really would not get married in your position. And I'd tell him getting his pension in order should probably be a priority for him. He shouldn't rely on your savings or on an inheritance.

Newkitchen123 · 01/05/2021 18:19

Your money your business
It's quite simple
It's not like you've spent the mortgage money

ivfgottwins · 01/05/2021 18:24

I earn 3x DH - we split all bills except childcare equally (as it's huge and more than our mortgage). I have more spending money because....well I've earnt it. He has enough for his hobbies etc but Would have to save for a big purchase I could buy straight away

Your partners reaction is pure jealousy

I'd nip it in the bud too and tell Him to get his arse out of his hands and if he wants to spend £900 On something to jolly well go out and earn it

In terms of retirement planning I made sure DH signed up to his workplace pensions and have made it very clear any inheritance from his parents (he's an only child) needs to be factored in to his retirement planning and not frittered away. I know I'll pay a larger share of the bills in retirement but that's just something I had to come to terms with when I married someone who earnt a lot less than me. I'm not resentful of that so long as he doesn't cause any unnecessary financial burdens eg running up debt etc

Gilly12345 · 01/05/2021 18:24

He sounds jealous that you have disposable money and can treat yourself to things. Maybe a tactful conversation is needed about money and saving money?

Roselilly36 · 01/05/2021 18:25

One of the reason DH & I have never had a joint bank account in all the happy years we have spent together, I would recommend it. DH isn’t interested in what I spend and I certainly wouldn’t want to feel I had to justify what I spend to any man.

Welshgal85 · 01/05/2021 18:28

You are definitely not being unreasonable! It’s your money and you can spend it how you wish. You still have money to contribute to your share of the mortgage and bills so I really don’t see his problem. I wonder if he is jealous and taking it out on you?

I was surprised that he is so much older than you as sorry but he does sounds quite childish. Maybe you need to sit down and ask him what is all this really about? But definitely do not feel bad for spending your own money!

GinAndTonicOnIt · 01/05/2021 18:29

Hi OP just another post to say he is soooo in the wrong!! That is YOUR money.

However, random thought. Have you got a birthday or similar coming up? Maybe he bought you one and was now pissed you've ruined the surprise?

crimsonlake · 01/05/2021 18:32

Oh dear, sounds like he has landed on his feet meeting you.
You do realise that his state pension with be the grand sum of approx £9k a year. Protect yourself and do not get married.

smellysmoke · 01/05/2021 18:41

there is no reason for you to get married, stay as you are! I doubt he asks you before spending on his hobby!
It really sounds like he is counting on you to keep him if his state pension doesn't work out (unless the inheritance is huge).

YoniAndGuy · 01/05/2021 18:42

Don't marry him
Don't marry him
Don't marry him.

There is literally no reason to. You support each other and live as a couple with joint assets perfectly well as you are: for example, you split bills proportionately. As there are no children to consider, you just do not need to.

The ONLY thing that marriage would do is leave you much, much worse off in a split.

Also bear in mind how it might change this rather fragile dynamic... it could work out very poorly for both of you. Right now, he makes a lot of choices which you don't support, but they don't actually impact on you - the boundaries of your relationship are set so that they don't. Your money is separate. Given your different personalities and the earning differential, that's a recipe for relative harmony.

Now, if you get married, that all changes. All of a sudden, you really ARE paying for all those fags and snacks and that lack of pension planning... because if he ends up on his arse, YOUR cash is legally his to solve the problem. How are you going to feel if, after marriage, he does start winding down work after a few years/spending shittily/still totally doesn't sort any pension? Used, probably. No longer an equal partner on the sidelines, but the potential cash cow. If you see him start relaxing or being shit woth money, you're going to resent it much, much more when you both know that now, he's entitled to that pension and to be kept by you. It also takes away a certain level of freedom of choice - you may not be thinking of a split as at all possible, but if you KNOW you're kind of hamstrung by the finances if you do... it just gives it a different flavour.

With such financial imbalances I would say that getting married could really upset the emotional applecart and that wouldn't be good for either of you.

I am sure you would actually look after him and all would be well. I suppose I'm trying to say that you will undoubtedly feel a lot better doing so unmarried, when you know deep down that you could walk away if you ever needed to, rather than feeling trapped.

ivfgottwins · 01/05/2021 18:42

I'd recommend checking out the other post in AIBU this evening - in that post the higher earning (and sole working) man has spent some money from the savings account on his hobby (that only he pays into incidentally) - the OP is not happy ......she has been told he is financially abusive and to LTB......

MN double standards at its best 🤣

Ninkanink · 01/05/2021 18:45

@ivfgottwins oh please do link (or at least divulge the title) to said thread.

Let’s see if it’s any way equivalent...

CrazyBaubles · 01/05/2021 18:48

Ivfgottwins if that's the thread I've read it isn't relevant at all. In that thread the husband only pays a third of costs for family food shopping and children's expenses and keeps the rest of his wages to himself while the wife has to make everything else up with benefits / an inheritance