Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to have bought this without telling him?

229 replies

herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo · 01/05/2021 14:21

Partner and I live together, not married. We have a joint account for mortgage and bills, but our wages get paid into our personal accounts and we transfer a proportion of our earnings into the joint account each month.

I am the higher earner, and I'm also a saver, rather than a spender. He spends a lot of his own money on a hobby, and on cigarettes, and doesn't save.

A few days ago, I bought myself a shiny new piece of tech. With extra accessories, it was just over £900. I paid for it myself, out of my savings. He was out doing his hobby when I ordered it, then it just didn't cross my mind to announce that I'd ordered it when he came back.

The parcel arrived this morning and he has got into a proper grump about the fact that I've spent 'so much' money on something just for me, that I didn't discuss the purchase with him and that I've been selfish.

I don't think I've done anything wrong.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ivfgottwins · 01/05/2021 18:54

@CrazyBaubles

Ivfgottwins if that's the thread I've read it isn't relevant at all. In that thread the husband only pays a third of costs for family food shopping and children's expenses and keeps the rest of his wages to himself while the wife has to make everything else up with benefits / an inheritance

The principal is the same. The husband works - she doesn't. There is £50k in savings which the DH has earnt. He wants to spend £4K on a hobby and said the OP can also have £4K to make things fair.

He pays all the bills except where the OP has asked for some Money towards the food shop (which he has agreed to pay 1/3) and advised her to get a job to help with the costs.

Obviously no 2 situations are going to be exactly the same but in both cases some savings earnt by one person want to be spent. The response on MN differs between the one spender being a man and the other a woman

Ninkanink · 01/05/2021 18:57

No, the principle is not the same, and the situations aren’t remotely equivalent.

JustLyra · 01/05/2021 18:58

@ivfgottwins That’s a completely different scenario. The husband in that thread has a wife who is a SAHP who he expects to cover the bills from her inheritance and benefits.

This is a man with a job whose wife already pays more than he does cribbing because she’s spent her spends on herself, whilst thinking nothing of it when he does the same in dribs and drabs.

Totally different situations completely.

Thatswatshesaid · 01/05/2021 18:59

@Ninkanink

But why on earth do you think he should be raising objections??
Well if you’ve lived together for a few years or more you are a family regardless of if you have kids. Big purchases from the household income should be discussed. I don’t think he really has any cause for objection but if my DP spent nearly a grand I’d expect him to mention it.
JustLyra · 01/05/2021 19:00

Also it’s completely disingenuous to say the OP on the other thread only pays for shopping when she’s made quite clear she pays everything for their kids as well.

ivfgottwins · 01/05/2021 19:00

@JustLyra

Well if she's getting benefits then that is an income to be considered - you can hardly expect to be paid benefits and then keep it all to yourself - child benefit especially

When my DH was on benefits for a time due to being out of work - his income support went in the family pot

Susannahmoody · 01/05/2021 19:01

Unless he freelances and earns like Van Gogh or something, I'd be having serious doubts in this relationship.

JustLyra · 01/05/2021 19:04

[quote ivfgottwins]@JustLyra

Well if she's getting benefits then that is an income to be considered - you can hardly expect to be paid benefits and then keep it all to yourself - child benefit especially

When my DH was on benefits for a time due to being out of work - his income support went in the family pot [/quote]
Didn’t say otherwise, it’s just not as simple you were trying to portray as him paying everything and her paying nothing.

There’s no suggestion of her wanting to keep it to herself. It’s completely disingenuous, again, to suggest as such.

ivfgottwins · 01/05/2021 19:07

@JustLyra

We ll have to agree to disagree then

My stance is and always will be that if there is a higher earner and after family bills have been paid wants to spend more on themselves then that is perfectly acceptable

(But maybe that's because I'm the higher earner just like someone who is the lower earner would say it isn't acceptable)

MargosKaftan · 01/05/2021 19:09

@thatswatshesaid - but its not a big purchase from family money. They have a joint account which could be seen as "family money", then have exactly the same monthly personal spending money. He spends his every month, the OP has saved some of hers for a big thing she wants.

He expects to spend his share of the personal money that comes in to the household exactly as he wants. Then if the OP doesn't spend her "share", he expects a say in how that is spent too.

Nope.

Ninkanink · 01/05/2021 19:12

@Thatswatshesaid it’s NOT from household spending money. It’s from OP’s own spending money which is equivalent to his own spending money and which he pisses up the wall every month! So no, he absolutely doesn’t get to tell her how to spend her share! Especially not when he’s benefiting financially from the overall arrangement.

Newkitchen123 · 01/05/2021 19:13

@thatswhatshesaid it was not family income it was her own money

JustLyra · 01/05/2021 19:13

[quote ivfgottwins]@JustLyra

We ll have to agree to disagree then

My stance is and always will be that if there is a higher earner and after family bills have been paid wants to spend more on themselves then that is perfectly acceptable

(But maybe that's because I'm the higher earner just like someone who is the lower earner would say it isn't acceptable) [/quote]
Your assumption that any low earner would disagree is very telling and shows where you are coming from.

The two situations are not remotely comparable.

Graphista · 01/05/2021 19:18

Nobody can ever rely on inheritance and certainly not within a specific time frame. My great gran was "given 3 months to live" and continued to live for over 20 more years, my dad was apparently on his death bed (according to drs not him) almost 30 years ago plus no guarantee the person will leave money to him and that nobody will contest

Sounds like you both need to sit and have an honest discussion about how to proceed BUT you need to be VERY aware that he's likely taking advantage and protect yourself - mainly by NOT marrying him

ceilingsand · 01/05/2021 19:24

Yabu to even consider giving a fuck about his response...
Maybe point out how much smoking costs if you want to respond..

This.

He's taking the piss and you have become the hot frog.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2021 19:32

ivfgottwins is talking arse. The other thread the people are married with children. That's a very different scenario. And the wife isn't spunking 1K a year on fags as well.

billybagpuss · 01/05/2021 19:38

@wombatgoeswild

It is VERY hard to accrue a decent pension in your 50s.
This

My pension is woefully lacking as I stopped working in a proper job when the DC were 2 and I was 29. I then became self employed in a profession that pays ok and gives childcare flexibility and there was no money for a private pension, I am now 51 and have a pathetic pension, I’ve started Recontributing but if I can get the pot to £30k that will be an achievement, but I have been married for 28 years and DH has always paid as much as he could, we are also, care costs allowing, likely to inherit and our house is big enough that we will be able to downsize. We’ll be ok, but we are a very long term family unit. You are still in the honeymoon period, are you willing to support someone through their retirement when you hit 50 when they haven’t done the enabling you to build your pension by raising the kids bit.

MrsClatterbuck · 01/05/2021 19:40

At his age he won't get his pension until 67 at the earliest if they don't move the goal posts again. Also I would be getting a pension forecast to give some idea where you stand. He will obviously not have made the full contributions but it might give you some idea. I think if I remember correctly that they also give you an increased figure for any extra contributions. Hard to explain but you would understand when looking at it.

MaltedMilk88 · 01/05/2021 19:46

YANBU! He's just pissed off because he hasn't got £900 sat there to spend on what he wants because he's too busy spending it all the while
Cheeky git!

harknesswitch · 01/05/2021 19:46

Just watch your step on this. My ex was the same. I was the higher earner and saved, he spent every last penny and then I'd fork out for his hobby. I don't know how many times I asked him to sort a pension, kept telling him not to rely on me, my savings and my pension, there would always be an excuse not to. We ended up getting divorced, I'll give you 3 guesses how that went. He went after the savings I saved, the equity id overpaid, half my pension and I was liable for half his debt.

This after I dug him out a debt hole and paid for his hobby and then some for years. He just wanted an easy ride and someone to pay his way

HollowTalk · 01/05/2021 19:59

Wow, are you sure you want to stay with this man? He's a lot older, not worried about his future, financially, spends everything on crap, smokes, resents you spending your own money on yourself and only contributes 1/3rd of the bills.

What the hell do you find attractive about him?

AlmostSummer21 · 01/05/2021 20:02

@herecomesthesundoodoodoodoo

I hope you are really letting the advice settle in. I know it's not easy to have your finances & relationship forensically investigated, especially when you thought you were starting a lighthearted thread.💐. However, people mean well and are mostly giving you good advice.

Read it through slowly again another day and see just how financially vulnerable you are making yourself.

Think about your further & your retirement. You've put a lot more than him into the house you're not saving as much as you could be. You're paying more bills so he can buy cigarette & do his hobby and prop him up in his retirement and all he's doing is guilt tripping you over something you bought yourself. When he's pissing away money you're earning, on his hobby & cigarettes.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 01/05/2021 20:23

Don't marry him
Don't marry him
Don't marry him.

I couldn't put it better than the (sound) advice above.

Keepingitreal14 · 01/05/2021 20:31

I’m going to go slightly against the grain here. Absolutely agree you should be able to buy the tech without consulting him. You don’t have combined family finances so no reason to consult him. I would think differently if all money went into a pot.
If you’ve never had concerns about finances etc before then I wouldn’t let MN totally change your views. You’ve been together 6 years it’s not like you’ve just met and he’s fleecing you. You trust him enough to buy a house and get engaged. My husband doesn’t have a pension, the type of job he doesn’t never offered one until very recently (now mid-40s so not ideal). I am about 10 years younger then him and now earn more then he does, I have a good pension and package with private health care etc. I will be working longer then him and it will be my pension we have to live on in the later years. It’s just how it is for us. Not ideal but he’s certainly not with me to find his pension and until now you don’t sound like you’ve felt like that either.

pottydimley · 01/05/2021 20:45

What do you know about his earlier relationships? Is this serial behaviour?