DH wants to spend £4000

[amblers]

DH works, I'm a stay at home mom. Last month we sat and looked through the accounts etc and apparently I need to get a job to cover the weekly shopping. I've found a temporary part time job but will be looking for more hours.

Today DH insists he needs to replace something he uses for a hobby (cost £800) with a more expensive £4000 version! Apparently it's fine as it's a one off cost and he earned the money to pay for it. He recently spent £2k straightening his teeth but didn't discuss that with me. He feels entitled to spend 'our' savings as he wants. He points out that he acknowledges legally yes half of the money is mine but doesn't agree with it as I didn't earn it. AIBU to think this is a waste of 'our' money and that I should have a say about how it's spent? Nobody goes without, we live comfortably but I'm always reminded of the struggle it's been on one wage. It does feel he changes his mind about our finances to fit him. He's offered me £4000 of 'our' savings to do with as I like. It's all feeling very reckless and childish. We are having relationship issues and part of me feels he's trying to spend money so that I get less when/if we split.

He's obviously being unreasonable and an asshole. Well done for getting a job, make sure the wages go into a bank account only YOU have access too. If you need money for food and things for the kids, take it out of the savings. If he has a problem, say that money is the FAMILIES money. Speak to women's aid about getting help. This is obviously a very unhealthy relationship and you need to get out.

How old are your children?

You don’t need to save for kids uni. I went to uni and you get a loan which you pay back when you’re working. I also got a part time job while I was there.

I ended up earning 10x my husband - we both work full time - and that was pretty nice. Money is power.

I'm getting a bit sick of well provided for people who don't earn a penny complaining. How very dare their partner spend money they have actually earned.

Sorry op, with expensive dental work to improve his appearance, a hobby that may make his body more attractive and his pushiness to get you to work to pay for food, I would say he is either going through a mid life crisis or preparing to leave the nest.

I would accept the money, pretend you spend it in something and use it to start building an in-case-of-divorce fund as he has already shown to what kind of men you will be fighting agains if you split if his hobbies come before feeding the family.

Take half the savings and leave.

@caringcarer

I have just thought. Spend the £4k on gold jewellery. It will hold a lot of its value and you can sell it later. A chunky gold neck chain or bracelet. Gold is expensive now and actually the gold prices are rising week by week. You really need to do that then file for divorce.

That’s a great idea. And keep it somewhere safe 😉 Anything in your bank account will be halved with him.

@Viviennemary she's not well provided for though is she? Until he decided to "gift" her with this £4000, he's not been leaving her with enough money for food or children's clothes. I could understand if the children are older, he gave her a fair chance to get a job (and fair split of childcare costs, chores after work etc) BUT she absolutely refused to work and insisted on being a SAHM, but that doesn't seem to be what happened here.

@CirclesWithinCircles

I couldn't live like that - scrimping and saving in my mid forties and not buying nice things as if I was still a student. I bought myself an exirnsive bike (women cycle too) and I'd tell any partner who told me I couldn't send money 8ve earned to take a running jump.

You sound so resentful, not only of your husband but of the possibly of working. The world is full of women with children who work, but you've made it much harder for yourself to he independent by being out of work for so long.

Helpful.I’m sure op will just hop in her time machine to tell her futureself that she’s about to be in an abusive relationship and not to give up work.

@Viviennemary

I'm getting a bit sick of well provided for people who don't earn a penny complaining. How very dare their partner spend money they have actually earned.

But it’s not that simple in an abusive relationship is it?

I’m sorry op, he doesn’t sound nice. Being a stay at home mum is saving £££ in childcare. He sounds very self centred with money. I had an ex like this. Making you get a part time job for groceries but spending thousands on himself?

Spends the earnings from your part time job on yourself op.

@amblers

DH works, I'm a stay at home mom. Last month we sat and looked through the accounts etc and apparently I need to get a job to cover the weekly shopping. I've found a temporary part time job but will be looking for more hours.

Today DH insists he needs to replace something he uses for a hobby (cost £800) with a more expensive £4000 version! Apparently it's fine as it's a one off cost and he earned the money to pay for it. He recently spent £2k straightening his teeth but didn't discuss that with me. He feels entitled to spend 'our' savings as he wants. He points out that he acknowledges legally yes half of the money is mine but doesn't agree with it as I didn't earn it. AIBU to think this is a waste of 'our' money and that I should have a say about how it's spent? Nobody goes without, we live comfortably but I'm always reminded of the struggle it's been on one wage. It does feel he changes his mind about our finances to fit him. He's offered me £4000 of 'our' savings to do with as I like. It's all feeling very reckless and childish. We are having relationship issues and part of me feels he's trying to spend money so that I get less when/if we split.

That amount of money we wouldn't unilaterally decide to spend. YANBU to expect you'd both have a say in spending large sums of savings.

I'd take the $4000, actually should be $6,000 since he's already spent $2,000, and put it in a savings account of your own just in case. If your relationship is rocky and he's thinking this way about it being his, you need some security and financial independence from him.

Why is it safe to assume that the financial abuse will stop if the op goes out to work?

@Xenia

I ended up earning 10x my husband - we both work full time - and that was pretty nice. Money is power.

What. You are posting on a thread where a women is being financially abused by her husband. How does that help?

Is part of this possibly a bit of resentment that he is still having to foot all the bills if the dc are teenagers? I’m assuming they are quite old as you have avoided their ages and mentioned uni.

If it was decided that you would be a SAHM when you had dc, was he thinking until they go to school and you were thinking indefinitely? Was how long you would stay at home with them be discussed? I can see it getting annoying for him if you are doing a few hours of housework and cooking meals whilst he pays for everything and maybe he is trying to force you back into work.

Either way you need to get back into the working world. Have your NI contributions been paid towards your pension? Check on the government website as you need to ensure you will be getting your full state pension when you retire

@amblers GET YOUR OWN BANK ACCOUNT THAT HE CANNOT ACCESS. this is your right. Hr absolutely cannot stop you. Change passwords pins on what you have if you can but get some separation. He is not entitled to see what you have / spend. So if he won't share access to his get him away from yours.

Make sure it is you claiming child benefit.YOU need it for YOUR PENSION contributions. Then he can pay it back.

Sorry OP, just seen its not a joint account you can actually access. Sounds like besides your inheritance and child benefit the only other money you have access to is what he's prepared to hand you after you beg for it. That's pretty messed up. Are your earnings from your job going into your own account now? Given how he behaves I expect he'll want you to use that for food and clothes and won't give you a cent. Can you manage to start saving on your own? Is there anything you need like dental work that you could use the $4000 for? Or gold like a PP suggested?

@Viviennemary

I'm getting a bit sick of well provided for people who don't earn a penny complaining. How very dare their partner spend money they have actually earned.

Where is she “ Well provided for”

Her husband doesn’t give her enough for food.

Just think about that for a minute.

I am shocked at some of the views on here.

I say this wholeheartedly, and without drama. You need to plan your next move to get away.

Start searching and photographing all paperwork.
Take the 4K and hide it..., in cash.
Ask around for a divorce lawyer recommendation.

@opalescent

I always find it curious when people talk about how difficult/impossible it is to work around children. How on earth do you think working mums do it? We use childcare . And as the children get to school age, we use breakfast club and after school club. And as they get a bit older again- they have a door key.

All that is by the by in this thread though...your DH sounds very unpleasant, and you sound unhappy OP. Chat to a friend for moral support, and start looking at the logistics around leaving.
You will continue to get the same responses each time you start a thread on this subject.

I can't talk for the OP but I can say that women who've been beaten down and made to feel worthless may find things seem like much greater obstacles than they actually are. Everything seems much more of a major problem, if that makes sense.

Not only that but it's exhausting being abused, even if it is psychologically and emotionally. That plus not being given any practical support makes normal things seem insurmountable.

OP start making plans to get away. Once you're away from this man, everything will seem much more achievable.

OP, I'm so sorry about your situation. Have you tried contacting Women's Aid?
You said you don't have access to the savings, but your husband can see your spending of the inheritance money. Is it possible for you to go to the bank and change that, so he can't see it? And then change to get only online statements so he can't open your letters.
Regardless, if you haven't yet, please contact Women Aid or another charity, see what help your local council can give you.
The way out will not be easy, no matter what some posting here say, but you can do it. You're an amazing person and you're stronger than you realise.
Wishing you all the best.

It's not so much keep it safe for a divorce, but that before you get to that point you might need a fund to rent your own place or to pay for legal advice or to pay bills or to get a basic car if you currently only have one car. There's a lot of things that 4,000 could go on that wouldn't then have half of it given back to him on divorce.

You say £4k is 2 months wages but he should be taking home more than £2k a month on £60k (the amount he would have to earn to pay back all of your CB). Sounds like he is definitely hiding money.

Would post this in Relationships too as this is not an AIBU issue.

What you're describing here is an abusive relationship and he is not just financially abusing you either. These types of men rarely and solely just financially abuse their chosen target. He wants you trapped and controlled without a voice. Am not surprised either he has actively tried to sabotage any and all attempts for you to work outside the home; these men do this routinely.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.