DH wants to spend £4000

[amblers]

DH works, I'm a stay at home mom. Last month we sat and looked through the accounts etc and apparently I need to get a job to cover the weekly shopping. I've found a temporary part time job but will be looking for more hours.

Today DH insists he needs to replace something he uses for a hobby (cost £800) with a more expensive £4000 version! Apparently it's fine as it's a one off cost and he earned the money to pay for it. He recently spent £2k straightening his teeth but didn't discuss that with me. He feels entitled to spend 'our' savings as he wants. He points out that he acknowledges legally yes half of the money is mine but doesn't agree with it as I didn't earn it. AIBU to think this is a waste of 'our' money and that I should have a say about how it's spent? Nobody goes without, we live comfortably but I'm always reminded of the struggle it's been on one wage. It does feel he changes his mind about our finances to fit him. He's offered me £4000 of 'our' savings to do with as I like. It's all feeling very reckless and childish. We are having relationship issues and part of me feels he's trying to spend money so that I get less when/if we split.

Why is the default position that the husband financially abusive?

Couldn't he be saying 'My wife for years has refused to get a job and I have to pay for everything. I'm sick of it, this is not what I signed up to. I know we had kids but they're teenagers now. I think I'm being financially abused because the expectation is that I am the sole earner and she doesn't have to bring in any money herself.

I've even found myself trying to force the issue, that she maybe contributes to food and the kids stuff after I pay the mortgage, utilities, council tax, for holidays and all the other bills we've got to deal with. I don't want to force it like this and now she's spending an inheritance on these things, but I really wish she would just get a job so that I am not the sole earner.

Now she doesn't even want me to spend the money I've earned, even though I've said to her to take the same amount out of the savings for herself.

I wonder who I can speak to about financial abuse?'

@caringcarer

If you took the £4k and put into an account in your own name if you split up it will still be seen as a marital asset and put into melting pot. Take the £4 and give to your Mum or Sister as a 'gift'. If you split up they may want to 'gift' you back the £4k. If he is having teeth straightened at same time as suggesting you get a job he could have found someone else and be planning on leaving you. Ask for £2 k for teeth straightened money for yourself too. Gift that to your sister or Mum too.

All of this.

There’s an interesting assumption here that the OP takes children with her. As if they are just hers, not his. Maybe they won’t want to go with her, it sounds like they are older.

OP said We live comfortably nobody goes without. I'd call that well provided for.

@ArcheryAnnie

and had to argue the toss with someone who hadn’t contributed a penny to them

I'd argue raising the kids is "contributing" fairly substantially to the household income, ffs.

And I’d argue it’s not, especially when the kids are over school age.

I'd say its OP who is financially abusive if she refuses to get a job and make a financial contribution. If this was a man they'd be a cocklodger. Good old MN double standards at work again.

@Viviennemary

I'd say its OP who is financially abusive if she refuses to get a job and make a financial contribution. If this was a man they'd be a cocklodger. Good old MN double standards at work again.

In OPs opening sentences she says she has already found a job within a week of being asked to get one. The point she is making, which is entirely valid, is that she too has worked hard for years to provide a home, raise children, feed the family etc and these are being treated as valueless. They aren't.

Though I would never choose to be in her position and would always prefer to have an income of my own.

If he's abusive you need to get out so keep your eyes on that as the price. In the meantime take the 4k offered (make sure you get it) and stick it in a private account. It can be the start of your "free yourself" fund.

And although he's undoubtedly a shit, you starting to work is a good thing.

Get copies of all the financial stuff you can. Find a divorce lawyer and get some advise on how to get yourself in the strongest position pre-split.

And I’d argue it’s not

Then you are a twit who doesn't understand the economics of raising children, Alsohuman.

In assuming married life is over? Go see a solicitor as they all do a free half hour consultation. You are married so entitled to half of everything, the house, even savings which take pics of account details etc as evidence. You can get a court order to have him leave the house so you can live in peace asap. If the kids are under 18 he has to support them with payments which will be attached to his earnings. Start getting all your paperwork together for the dwp/ benefits. Take control!

Transfer 25 grand into another account and get the fuck out of there.

Why don't you have access to his accounts when he has access to yours?

Definitely take the £4k he's offering and put it in an account in your name only. He's offering it now, and he might change his mind. If he does, you'll be screwed because you don't have access to the family money. So take it and put it somewhere that you do have access to (and where he can't unilaterally move or spend it himself).

OP, when you say you're a SAHM, how old are the kids? Are they in nursery or school?

Tell him you'll go to work but housework and childcare becomes 50/50 and he needs to be equally available for childcare emergencies etc.

I think YABU if you could work but decide not to.

Yet another fucker who creates a family then thinks all the money he earns above household running costs is his alone. Once I saw his true colours like this - that he clearly doesnt see you as a partner or family - I'd be filing for divorce. What a shit he is OP, you deserve so much better.

The buyback price of gold will normally be about 1/10 of the purchase price of the jewellery. You pay far more for the design of the piece than you do for the weight of the gold.

thank god someone said this. don't buy anything as an investment until you know how to buy and sell it and what the expected return is.

take the 4k. I would use it as a deposit and forward rent on a place and immediately commence divorce proceedings. I would seek work that fits with your children's schedules and find out what benefits you are entitled to as a single mother. Good luck.

How old are your children?

You need to start taking back some control. Why does he have access to your accounts? Remove this immediately. You need to do the freedom programme and learn ways to empower yourself and get out of the situation you are in.

It’s coming across quite strongly that he resents you for not working. Get a job and become financially autonomous. If you need to pay for childcare, do so out of the joint account.

Cooking, cleaning etc... make a list of the days you agree to cook. If he doesn’t on the other days, do so for your kids, not him. Get a cleaner and pay out of the joint account. You don’t have to be a victim. And if it doesn’t save your marriage, you’ll be in a much better position to separate.

You can’t decide to be financially dependent and expect him to be ok with it if ultimately, he isn’t.

This is awful. I can't believe he makes you pay for stuff for his kids when you don't earn and he earns plenty. He's utterly selfish and wrong.

You can have enough money to spend £4K as a one off purchase when you are a middle aged person earring over £60k a year.

You can feel stretched on a single income of £60k when supporting 4(?) people indefinitely.

Both of these things can be true at the same time.

Lots of unreasonable stuff going on (weird bank account stuff, earning both £60k a year but simultaneously only £2k a month, not giving money for groceries etc. Claiming joint money as his, the inheritance thing (joint money or not?)) but also I think it’s perfectly reasonable to expect both adults to contribute financially once children are older (HOW OLD ARE THE KIDS?) and it would irritate me if I couldn’t spend my substantial wages on my hobby tbh . I HAVE spent my wages on £2k of dentistry. I was a sahp for years and “it’s my money, I earned it” would also irritate. I am not especially irritable.

At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter as you don’t seem to like each other and that’s the dealbreaker.

There is no point taking money and putting it into a bank account, she would have to declare it if they divorced.

There is no point taking money and putting it into a bank account, she would have to declare it if they divorced.
Thats why she should take it in cash and give to a friend/family member to look after. If she doesnt have it they cant split it in the divorce can they.

@Hellocatshome

There is no point taking money and putting it into a bank account, she would have to declare it if they divorced. Thats why she should take it in cash and give to a friend/family member to look after. If she doesnt have it they cant split it in the divorce can they.

You can’t seriously imagine it’ll have disappeared into the ether and everyone will forget about it?!

How old are the children?

I’d take the 4K and do whatever with it.
I’ve never had a problem spending money on biggish items for myself (dental implants etc). Lots of women do though.