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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to spend £4000

347 replies

amblers · 30/04/2021 21:58

DH works, I'm a stay at home mom. Last month we sat and looked through the accounts etc and apparently I need to get a job to cover the weekly shopping. I've found a temporary part time job but will be looking for more hours.

Today DH insists he needs to replace something he uses for a hobby (cost £800) with a more expensive £4000 version! Apparently it's fine as it's a one off cost and he earned the money to pay for it. He recently spent £2k straightening his teeth but didn't discuss that with me. He feels entitled to spend 'our' savings as he wants. He points out that he acknowledges legally yes half of the money is mine but doesn't agree with it as I didn't earn it. AIBU to think this is a waste of 'our' money and that I should have a say about how it's spent? Nobody goes without, we live comfortably but I'm always reminded of the struggle it's been on one wage. It does feel he changes his mind about our finances to fit him. He's offered me £4000 of 'our' savings to do with as I like. It's all feeling very reckless and childish. We are having relationship issues and part of me feels he's trying to spend money so that I get less when/if we split.

OP posts:
SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 01/05/2021 09:59

Sorry not read the whole thread.......
Please, please OP

You do not have to live like this. I know it feels like there is no way out and you have no options. But I promise you, others have made it out of situations like this.
You can divorce him, you will manage and the children will be absolutely fine.
Please just let a little chunk of hope in, this doesn’t have to be this way.

Weeedonkey · 01/05/2021 10:09

So you need to work to buy food while he gets to piss £6k up the wall. Nice.

Exactly what I thought

Moirarose2021 · 01/05/2021 10:10

He is abusive and you need to leave, take the money and use it to pay rent somewhere. How old are the children if you've been together 25 years. Focus on getting out not hobbies or uni fees

WorraLiberty · 01/05/2021 10:15

OP, why are you willfully ignoring the question that has been asked repeatedly on this thread?

How.Old.Are.Your.Kids?

It really is rather relevant, although I'm beginning to think your refusal to answer is even more relevant somehow Confused

Alsohuman · 01/05/2021 10:17

@JellyBabiesFan

You only live once FFS and you cannot take it with you. You have £50k in savings so why not spend £4k each.
This. Where did the £50k savings come from? I’d be extremely pissed off if I wanted to spend 8% of savings accumulated from money I earned and had to argue the toss with someone who hadn’t contributed a penny to them.

You need to get back to work and get some financial independence, OP. Nothing beats being able to say “It’s my money, I earned it and I’ll spend it as I please”.

Lexilooo · 01/05/2021 10:21

Take that £4k (more if you have access to the accounts) and use it to rent a new place for you and the kids.

I know it is scary but in a year or two you will look back and realise that it was for the best.

My friend left a controling man a year or so ago and although it has been scary and tough at times she is much happier. She has control of her own finances and can afford to buy things for herself from time to time. Yes living on benefits is tight but the money is in your control and you will be able to get a job when you are no longer being controlled.

titchy · 01/05/2021 10:21

You used an inheritance to feed your children Shock Fuck me that's bad. Divorce before the £50k becomes £0k.

AntsMarching · 01/05/2021 10:21

@caringcarer

I have just thought. Spend the £4k on gold jewellery. It will hold a lot of its value and you can sell it later. A chunky gold neck chain or bracelet. Gold is expensive now and actually the gold prices are rising week by week. You really need to do that then file for divorce.
Please don't do this.

The buyback price of gold will normally be about 1/10 of the purchase price of the jewellery. You pay far more for the design of the piece than you do for the weight of the gold.

This would reduce your £4K substantially.

Jarstastic · 01/05/2021 10:22

@Hemsworthsbicep

You don’t need to save for kids uni. I went to uni and you get a loan which you pay back when you’re working. I also got a part time job while I was there.
It doesn’t sound like the OP’s children will be entitled to the full loan, it is linked to household income. The government expects parents to contribute.
EvilPea · 01/05/2021 10:25

@Pinkdormobile
Absolutely. Where’s that like button!

It’s the embarrassment of asking for someone to have your kids for a few hours when their dad could, but won’t, so you feel like your taking the piss.
Or having to pay out for childcare out of your tiny wage whilst the dad won’t as “well it’s your job that means they need childcare, it’s not my fault you don’t earn enough”

It’s so complicated

Ninibest · 01/05/2021 10:26

I know what kind of man he is, jealous man that doesn't want you to work or having your own money so no man will look at you, you are good just to sutisfy his own desires. When you start to have your own independence he will be not happy. Be strong and take care of yourself as well

randomer · 01/05/2021 10:41

slight side issue......University is not a right, not always the correct route, and people go without being bank roled by Dad.

Yummymummy2020 · 01/05/2021 10:43

What a crap situation for you! Def need to sit and have a serious talk with him and if not start planning to go!!!

LarryUnderwood · 01/05/2021 10:46

OP, you are in an abusive relationship. AIBU is probably not the best place for this. Why not move to relationships and ask for advice on escaping abuse. You will get lots of support there. Bottom line - you need to leave to be free of this. He is unlikely to change.

DishingOutDone · 01/05/2021 10:54

@LarryUnderwood

OP, you are in an abusive relationship. AIBU is probably not the best place for this. Why not move to relationships and ask for advice on escaping abuse. You will get lots of support there. Bottom line - you need to leave to be free of this. He is unlikely to change.
This. He's not going to change, if you can get out why would you stay and then keep posting AIBU my husband is financially abusing me. Yes of course we know its hard after 25 years - in my case its 30+ years and we have no money to argue about so slightly different problem in that we have one home and once its sold not enough equity to even get a flat each. You can see a solicitor for free or many will do divorce advice for a flat rate for 1 hour. Plenty of time to be told you'll be entitled to half of everything.
Hont1986 · 01/05/2021 10:57

OP's children are 15 and 17. I have no idea if that's true or not, but since she refuses to tell us, that's the presumption I'm going to use.

As your kids are old enough to be at home by themselves, it's time for you to get a job.

randomer · 01/05/2021 11:00

Perhaps the kids could get a job?

HadAGutful · 01/05/2021 11:03

[quote EvilPea]@Pinkdormobile
Absolutely. Where’s that like button!

It’s the embarrassment of asking for someone to have your kids for a few hours when their dad could, but won’t, so you feel like your taking the piss.
Or having to pay out for childcare out of your tiny wage whilst the dad won’t as “well it’s your job that means they need childcare, it’s not my fault you don’t earn enough”

It’s so complicated[/quote]
It’s really not complicated though. These fuckers do some incredible mental gymnastics to confuse the situation when it’s 💯 % straightforward.

Poppystars · 01/05/2021 11:07

Definitely take the £4,000 and put it in a separate account. I would take part of you joint savings and pay it now into a private pension for you.

Being a SAHM is work, as others have said. Hope he is up to 50% of all childcare drop offs and pick ups and housework now when you work full-time!

ArcheryAnnie · 01/05/2021 11:09

This is financial abuse.

He hasn't seen raising kids as "work", something which, if you both were outsourcing it by, say, employing a nanny, would cost you a ton of money, so is using money to control you.

ArcheryAnnie · 01/05/2021 11:12

and had to argue the toss with someone who hadn’t contributed a penny to them

I'd argue raising the kids is "contributing" fairly substantially to the household income, ffs.

3WildOnes · 01/05/2021 11:14

So he is financially abusive and doesn’t respect you. Like another poster suggested, get him to transfer you 6k, use it for a deposit to rent and leave.
The 4K for a hobby is a complete red herring. I would be happy for my husband to spend 4K of our saving on a hobby as long as there was also a similar amount for me to spend.

giggly · 01/05/2021 11:27

Why are you staying in this relationship?

Wastedusername · 01/05/2021 11:27

I remember you OP. As others said, he is financially abusive.

Can't believe all the ' he earned it, its his money to spend how he pleases comments.'

They are a family. He is able to earn what he does due to her contribution to the family as a SAHM as well as having a very nice life not having to do the child and domestic labour. Money should be pooled to pay for family / household costs and then each have an amount to spend/save as they please each month. Not OP having no money of her own as she has to spend her inheritance on groceries!

Snoozer11 · 01/05/2021 11:29

How old are the kids? Roughly, you don't have to give exact ages. But it's absolutely relevant.

If they're 16 there's no reason for you to have not been working and he likely resents being told what he can or can't buy with the money he's earned.

All the info you've given so far indicates they're closer to 16 than 3.

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